Feeling Your Feelings: Two Different Scenarios

Here are two different scenarios:

Scenario One:

You wake up in the morning, and you remember a business call with a difficult client you have later that day. You are immediately filled with dread, and your Monger is talking a mile a minute. You tell yourself, "Change your thoughts, think positive, and it will be fine." Every time the feeling of dread comes up, you tell yourself to change your thought. So all day long, you push the feeling under the surface, ignoring the dread and pretending it isn't here. By the time the phone call comes around, you might be feeling pretty good. In fact, you write at the top of your paper, "You got this! No one can get you down!!" The phone call comes and goes, and although the client was still belittling and you barely got through it without bursting into tears, you got through it! (Yay!) You are quickly on to the next thing and already worrying about what to have for dinner.

Scenario Two:

You wake up in the morning, and you remember a business call later that day. You are immediately filled with dread, and your Monger is talking a mile a minute. Hmm, what's that about, you wonder? And you ask yourself just to label what you are feeling. You are feeling insecure and nervous. You remember that the last time you had this call with this client, it didn't go well, and he was particularly harsh with you. When you arrive at work, you start brainstorming how you can help it go better. You know you are 100% prepared for the meeting, so it isn't your lack of prep. It is the client's tone and communication style. You put a post-it note on your computer that says, "He will be harsh. It is not about you" to remind yourself that it isn't about you; he is just harsh. When you hang up the phone, you don't burst into tears (which is a step up from last time), but you still feel like something was missing. The client was particularly belittling, and the post-it note helped but not enough. On your way home, you re-hash the conversation, and you remember it went off the rails when he asked for more details. He is such a detail person, and you just don't think like that. So you decide to ask a co-worker to help you drill down on the details. Maybe that will help for next time? You will have better answers, AND the sticky note will remind you it isn't about you.

Similar situations two different outcomes—the difference is that you are more present to the whole situation in scenario two. You are present to your thought, feelings, and actions, and you are present to your client's thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are engaged in your life. You recognize there is no perfect right way. This process is trial and error and can get messy. But your overall goal for your life is to be as present and engaged as possible.

In scenario one, you are surviving life. You are moving through life, trying not to get snagged by uncomfortable feelings and white-knuckling it through unpleasant situations. You aren't trying to find a resolution, and you aren't diving any deeper than necessary.

Both scenarios work. (Obviously, I have a bias towards scenario two.) Because scenario two allows you to engage fully in your life and I believe that diving deep into our lives is what living happier is all about. AND I know that one day you might do scenario one, and one day you might do scenario two. There isn't a 100% right way. There might be times in your life when all you have time for is scenario one, and there might be times when you can dive into scenario two. That is OK.

My wish for you is that you start thinking about these two scenarios and be a little curious:

Which scenario do you engage in more often? Do you wish that were different?

How would you change your life, so scenario two happens more often?

What changes would you have to make?

How hard are those changes?

What are some baby steps you can take to add more of scenario two to your life?

Mental Health is about Acceptance

Last week was World Mental Health Week. A week to raise awareness about the stigma attached to mental health. In that spirit, I wanted to share my stigma with you and my journey to overcome it. Not surprisingly, as with all types of stigma, our stigma about mental health is wrapped up in our own stories and beliefs.

For many years, I believed the goal of having good mental health was to feel good. To feel positive. It is a well-intentioned belief summed up in the statement that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. In my practice and my life, I helped people feel better and live happier. I was all about the positive psychology movement, changing your thoughts, thinking positively, and feeling better. However, looking back, I can honestly say it never quite worked. Yes, I felt better. Yes, my clients were living happier. But inevitably, we would hit a wall where the techniques and philosophy were lacking. I always felt like something was missing.

And then my Dad died, and I was brought to my knees. ALL of the strategies I had learned stopped working. I couldn't think positively. I couldn't change my thoughts and feel better. I realized that I had to FEEL. I had to deal with what was going on. The philosophy guiding me both professionally and personally had one critical flaw it never allowed me to accept myself for who I was. I spent all my time running from the bad stuff, couching it in 'thinking positive' and 'being grateful,' and I never realized I was running from myself.

The irony is that one of the tenets of the positive psychology movement that I had loved for so many years is the belief that you are not broken and that the traditional psychology movement tells us we are. Because traditional psychology is based on the medical model, it gives a diagnosis, and that diagnosis (e.g., anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.) marks us a broken. But what if it isn't the diagnosis that characterizes us as broken? What if it is our stigma around that diagnosis?

I realized this belief that 'you are not broken' is a lie and keeps us pushing, hustling, and running from what is really going on. Here's the hard liberating truth: we are broken. We have experiences that leave cracks, trauma, loss, grief, disappointment, fear, etc. AND sometimes, those experiences combined with our genetic and chemical make-up cause conditions such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar. Once I stopped running from my cracks and started looking at them square in the face, everything shifted. I didn't need to hustle or think differently. I needed to be honest to accept who I was, where I had come from, and the patterns I had built to move through this crazy experience of life. Good mental health is about acceptance.

So here's the confession. I have spent most of my professional life going about this wrong. Believing that I can help people by helping them set boundaries, speak needs and become better versions of themselves. But great mental health isn't about changing yourself; it is about accepting yourself and knowing yourself 100% and being kind to all of those traits, the depression, anxiety, despair, doubt, and fear, just like the Japanese art of Kintsugi where they fill broken pottery with bits of gold. Our cracks are a part of us.

Knowing I can drop the hustle, stop pushing, and pretending that those cracks don't exist feels like a great big exhale. Finally, I can be me. Those cracks are what make me a great wife, teacher, therapist, daughter, and a human being. Instead of helping clients change themselves, I help clients SEE themselves, and once they have that knowledge and acceptance, THEN personalized strategies and techniques work. But without the acceptance and kindness piece, real change just can't happen.

I see now that mental health doesn't come when we can create a full positive gratitude-filled life. Mental health comes when we can fully see our life as it cracks and then intentionally, kindly, and with discernment live it.

World Mental Health Day—What if there is no Happy Ending?

Today is World Mental Health Day.

If you are like me, you read that statement, and immediately you think of those in your life who live with diagnosable mental health issues, anxiety, depression, bipolar, or schizophrenia. But truthfully, we all need to be showing up for our mental health every day. This isn't just about recognizing mental health disorders; this is about prioritizing our lives' emotional and spiritual experiences.

Unfortunately, there is so much bias around mental health.

Advice runs rampant on how to FEEL better.

We should:

• change our thoughts,

• chose happy,

• think positive,

• be grateful,

• count our blessing,

• soldier on,

• pull ourselves up by our bootstraps,

• get a massage,

• take a bubble bath,

Basically, snap out of it.

The stigma that exists around mental health is that you SHOULD be able to heal yourself. You SHOULD be able to feel better. And if you can't, you are a weak person.

That is why this day is about MORE than just bringing awareness for those living with a diagnosable mental health disorder. I believe we are in the middle of a reckoning when it comes to mental health.

As I write this post, I keep thinking about a recent interaction with a client. He leaned back in his chair and said to me, "What if there is no happy ending? What if all my life I have been trying to make sure there is a happy ending and there just isn't one?."

I paused and took in the enormity of what he had just said. I knew right where he was. I knew that feeling. I could remember having that same dreadful ah-ha while sitting in my therapist's office.

At the end of the session, I said, "Trust me, that realization is so jarring and painful, but I also want you to look at it from another perspective. What if that thought is actually freeing? What if that means you can stop hustling, reframing, pretending, changing your thoughts, and changing your vibrations all the time? What if you could just be whatever you are without always trying to find the happy ending?"

What if there is no happy ending?

I believe that our constant chase for a happy ending is at the crux of our stigma around mental health.

The belief is we SHOULD be feeling happy, and if we aren't, something is wrong with us, and we had better be trying our hardest to be happy.

And if that doesn't work well THEN, you can try a therapist or, worse, medication (gasp!!), but don't tell anyone about your struggle. Don't share it because then THEY will know that you aren't happy.

Because what we are really saying as a society is we don't want to see your pain. We don't have time for it. We don't have the patience for it. Pain gets in the way of productivity. Pain is messy. Pain is out of control.

But pain? Real pain? That means you are living life. That means you are risking, feeling, trying, loving, and living.

We treat happiness as a gold star prize if we work hard enough, hustle enough, or strive enough. As if HAPPY was the be-all-end-all for our lives. Happy is just one of many other emotions we feel in a day, along with sadness, angry, joy, fear, insecurity, and doubt. As we live our day-to-day lives, we feel ALL of those emotions.

It is when we get stuck on the happy ending that our mental health goes out the window. Depression and anxiety are hard enough, but when the world is cramming our minds with the idea that we HAVE to be happy and it is an easy 1-2-3 step to get there, we are in trouble.

We judge those who struggle with mental health issues because THEY haven't found the way to find their permanent happy ending. When in reality, we are all deluding ourselves that a happy ending actually exists.

There is no happy ending, but there is a wide range of feelings. Today alone, I have felt happiness in talking with a new friend, doubt and insecurity in the issues we talked about, fear in some of the ways she challenged me, sadness over some physical health issues I have been having, and joy in finding a new podcast that I can listen to. All of that before noon!!!!

That whole experience and wide range of emotions allow me to live a more present and connected life because I am present for ALL of those emotions. I am not trying to design and hustle my life to make it look happier or feel happier; I am just living my life and all the messy thoughts and emotions that come with it.

To me, world mental health day is more than just bringing awareness to those in our lives who deal with diagnosed mental health issues. It is a day to recognize that mental health is something we all need to take seriously. Feeling our emotions, not running from pain, admitting our fears and doubts, showing our vulnerabilities, those things WILL help us live happier, richer, fuller lives. Recognizing that we aren't just trying to get the gold star of happiness, we are trying to build a whole life.

A life that includes: risking, loving, striving, resting, being irrational, crying, laughing, wanting to throw something, needing a hug, not being able to leave the couch, walking through the forest, kissing, picking flowers, seeing a long lost friend, missing a loved one, nursing a broken heart, unexplainable crying, laughing so hard you pee your pants, meeting your best friend for happy hour, sharing a joke with your brother, greeting friends at your parent's funeral, sending a card to a friend for no reason, swimming on a hot day and on and on and on.

So as I said to my client. There is no happy ending. There is a rich, vibrant, challenging tapestry of life events and emotions, and the only way to experience that is if we take care of our mental health and stop trying to create happy 100% of the time.

Who are you Loyal to?

One trait all my clients share is a strong sense of loyalty to others.

Loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world in general.

They are the caregivers of their aging parents.

Loyalty to others.

They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, fans, head-down-get-the-job-done workers.

Loyalty to others.

They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces.

Loyalty to others.

They ooze loyalty to everyone around them. They are strong, quiet, kind, get the job done individuals.

Loyalty to others.

The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough.

Their Monger runs the show. She is loud and proud, telling them all the ways they missed the target. All the ways they SHOULD have been more loyal, more kind, more giving.

It is ironic, here are some of the kindest, gentlest, giving people in the world, and yet they never quite feel kind, gentle, or giving enough.

Want to know why?

Loyalty to self.

They are so busy devoting themselves to make sure their family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for they bypass themselves.

They have been trained to care for everyone else but themselves. They have been sold the message that if everyone else is happy, THEY will be happy.

And when they reach their 40s and 50s, and their kids are older and need less care, and their parents are older and need more care, they see that there is no break. There is no 'time for me' coming down the line. And so they think. There has to be a different way because he 'take care of everyone else' kool-aid isn't working.

This is something I have struggled with personally. I love caring for people. I pride myself on my loyalty, I love being there for those closest to me, and I know it has come at a price. A price of exhaustion and stress. A constant feeling like I am on a hamster wheel just one rotation away from peace.

When we don't have a loyalty to ourselves, we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for direction. We check in with everyone else to the detriment of ourselves. We listen to the Monger message (lie) of 'take care of everyone else, and then you will have peace.'

This is why I love A.S.K. because it allows you to bypass the message of the Monger (the top pusher of the 'take care of everyone else' kool-aid.)

Acknowledging what you are feeling: This allows you to get in touch with YOUR feelings. We are highly tuned into the feelings of those around us, but we tend to dismiss our feelings (especially when they are negative. The practice of acknowledging: Hey, I am feeling angry today, or Hey, I am feeling disappointed today (without justifying or judging) allows you to build some trust with your feelings.

Slow Down and Get into Your Body: This allows you to feel your body and get out of your head even for just 10 seconds. It serves as a reminder that yes, you have a body, and it is sending messages all the time that you need to start listening to and being loyal to.

Kindly Pull Back and See the Big Picture: Allows you to start to ask..."Do I want to do this action?" "Is there someone else I can ask for help?" "Is there a way to solve this differently?"

When I first started practicing A.S.K., it was solely a way to quiet my Monger when she got too loud. But then, over time, I have realized practicing A.S.K. regularly is a way to build loyalty with myself. It is a practice that reminds me to check in with myself. So it works two ways one as a way to counter an acute Monger attack and two as a way to decrease chronic Monger attacks in the long term.

A.S.K. bypasses the default that you must be loyal to others first and allows you to start making room for yourself. And when you and the Biggest Fan are running the show, there is no room for the Monger.

Loyalty is awesome. I challenge you to add some self-loyalty into the mix and see how your life changes.

An Open Letter to Self Help Junkies

Hello My Dear,

My love. I know you. I can so relate to you—the hunger for more books, more articles, more resources that will tell you how to be better, kinder, gentler, happier. I know the joy from thinking that this resource, this tip, this idea will be the answer. I know the exhaustion that comes from always wanting to be better, to live the BIG DREAM, to figure it out, to KNOW yourself.

I know you believe if only you:

• had more gratitude

• did more meditation

• ate healthier

• worked out more

• journaled more

• Self-reflected more

• just read the right book,

• took the right class, you would figure it out, you would be ok.

Well, here's the truth. All that 'more' won't help. All the things listed above are strategies and suggestions. They aren't meant to pile on more 'shoulds' or 'if-onlys.' These exercises are there to relax us and get us back in touch with ourselves so we can make decisions about our lives from a place of wisdom and discernment. They are not there to make us feel like failures or losers.

The truth is, the answer isn't out there. The answer isn't from doing more, being better, or figuring it out.

The liberating truth is there is no answer. There is life—a messy, imperfect, glorious, joyful life. And the key to being happier in life? Show up for your life. Right now.

Not when you get it figured out. Not when you accomplish your BIG goal. Right now. In the job, that isn't your dream job. In the relationship, that isn't a Hallmark movie. In the friendships that aren't 100% perfect.

Remember, perfect doesn't exist. You are wonderful just the way you are: imperfect, flawed, questing, trying, and being you.

So today, I ask you to stop questing. Stop focusing on all the things you SHOULD be doing to be a better person. Today I ask you to Just Be You.

Show up for your life.

Be Kind.

Listen to your Biggest Fan.

Take Small Baby Steps.

Give yourself a break.

Love,

Nancy Jane Smith, A Recovering Self-Help Junkie

Meet Your Biggest Fan

For me, a game-changer in quieting the Monger is listening to the voice of my Biggest Fan.

We all have countless voices playing in our heads all day, but we have three voices for the most part. One of them is our Monger. It's constantly telling us how terrible we are and how much improvement we need, etc.

The other voice is our BFF's voice. That's usually the voice we're encouraged to channel when working on self-compassion or liking ourselves. We're encouraged to channel that loving, kind BFF voice. What I've found in my work is that sometimes the BFF's voice gets us in trouble in a different way. That voice tends to be an enabler, encouraging us to do whatever we want without shame or guilt, which is awesome but not always in our best interest.

That Biggest Fan voice is the voice in the middle there. It's kind and compassionate, has our best interest at heart, and wants us to keep moving forward. It's not the best friend voice because a lot of times, the BFF's voice can also be the same voice that's like, "Go ahead. Have that extra glass of wine. Go ahead. Have that extra cookie". It's the Biggest Fan voice that is the one saying, "Really, if we have another glass of wine, we're going to be hungover tomorrow, or you're just going to get silly if you have another glass of wine. Let's pay attention to what's best for us right now."

Our Biggest Fan has our back and wants us to do what's best for us. For those of us who have lived in the Monger's world, where the Monger is constantly hammering us so this channeling the Biggest Fan is really kind of a new idea. What would my Biggest Fan even say to me? How does this even work? What does that voice even sound like?

Here are some tips I have for channeling the Biggest Fan:

The best tip for channeling the Biggest Fan is to Pay attention. This sounds simple, but it isn't easy. Frequently these voices go unchecked. So pay attention to the dialogue in your head. Who has the most control? Your Monger or Your Biggest Fan. But paying attention is challenging

Black and White Thinking. Our Monger tend to live in a world of all or nothing. You are WRONG or RIGHT. When you notice yourself thinking this way, ask yourself, where is the gray here? Your Biggest Fan tends to see the gray in life. For example, you are exhausted, and yet you promised to make cookies for the bake sale. Your Monger will tell you that there is a right way and a wrong way. The right way is to make cookies from scratch, and the wrong way is to buy them from the store. A good person makes them from scratch. A bad person buys them from the grocery store. Your Biggest Fan will live in the gray. She will know there are other options, you can buy them from the store and add something to them (icing, decorations, etc.), or you can buy a box mix and make them that way or better yet, she will know that cookies do not show someone's worth as a person.

What would your Biggest Fan say? Post this message around your house. And at random times, ask yourself. What Would My Biggest Fan Say? You can start generating and strengthening that voice. We all have a Biggest Fan, but I think that voice just gets diminished for most of us.

Procrastinating tends to happen when we are stuck in the world of the Monger. Sometimes we procrastinate because our Monger tells us one thing, and our Biggest Fan tells us another, and we aren't yet strong enough/don't want to do what the Biggest Fan is telling us. When you are procrastinating, pull out a piece of paper and make two columns in one column, write what your Monger is telling you, and in the other column, write what your Biggest Fan is saying. Most of the time, when we listen to our Biggest Fan, she can help us find the baby step that will help us move past procrastination.

Wiggle. Yep sounds crazy, but the best way to channel your Biggest Fan is to get out of your head and into your body. When your Monger is running the show, wiggle your body, it literally shakes things up and is just zany enough that it pulls you out of your head into your body, and you can ask, ok, what would my Biggest Fan say right now?

Our Monger will always be with us. They are hard-wired to protect us from making any changes, hurting ourselves. AND they keep us stuck. But we can learn to quiet them, and the number one way to do that is to Channel Your Biggest Fan.

The Inner Critic and Grief

Almost 12 weeks ago, my Dad died. Eight weeks ago, I shared the news to my email list, and I haven't mentioned a word of it since. I have announced a new website, shown pictures of my new office, but I haven't talked much about the foundational shift and what at times feels like an unbearable loss in my life. Today, as I was making my coffee, I was asking myself, "Why not? "What's up with that?" I who believe and teach the phrase "embrace the mess" haven't been doing so in a public way. I have been painting it pretty for the world, which isn't how I want to live my life. I realized my Monger had taken over.

Here's a bit of what my Monger and my Biggest Fan had to say about it.

No one cares about your suffering. Everyone suffers, and when we share our suffering and support each other, it makes life feel less lonely. Pretending you aren't suffering because 'everyone suffers' isn't helping anyone. 

Everyone loses a parent. True. But YOU don't lose a FATHER every day. This relationship was one of the most important in your life, so YES, it will be hard and life-altering and all that 'messy' stuff. By stuffing down your grief and pain, you are also stuffing down all the beautiful, loving aspects of the relationship. 

Stop being a cry baby. Cry all you want to, honey. Life is about pain and sorrow and joy and laughter, so go ahead, cry, sob, shake your fists in anger, and then later, you will find yourself laughing and sharing. THAT is living a life. It gets exhausting, and it feels overwhelming, but it is living. Pretending all is well, denying the sadness, packing your schedule with STUFF, so you don't have to deal. That is running that isn't living (and honestly, it is MORE exhausting and overwhelming).

You teach about living happier, not about grief. Yes, but grief is a part of life and a part of living happier. And I am finding NOTHING brings out the Monger like grief. Grief knocks us off our game and brings up all kinds of scary sh*t, which FREAKS out our Monger, who then tries to 'fix the situation by telling us how wrong we are for grieving.

You should share it when you are through it, not now. There is no through, not on this one. There is learning how to hold the hole left by the loss of my Dad differently—learning how to live with the loss. Learning how to have the victory and reach for the phone and realize he isn't there to call. Learning how to move through those situations will take years, if not my lifetime.

So here are some new phrases I am going to try to adopt:

Just Do You. You don't have to have everything figured out. Own what comes up. Honor it and do your best to navigate the world.

The world won't always get it. Looking for approval on how to do it from the outside world won't always work in your favor. So stop looking there. Trust and be thankful for the people you have who consistently show up (no matter how few).

This sh*t's hard. And that's ok. Honor that this season in life is hard. Stop running.

Stop trying to paint it pretty. It isn't always pretty, but it isn't always ugly either. It just is. Life isn't black and white; it is a big beautiful swirl of color embrace it.

Compassion Compassion Compassion. For yourself and those around you.

There is a temptation for me as a counselor/writer to act like I have it all together. But I believe we learn the most when we share our messy stories, not our pretty ones. So that is what I am doing today.

Would you Treat Your Daughter Like That?

What is wrong with you?

Just sit down and do it.

Quit whining.

Why do you make everything so dramatic?

Get a grip.

Get over yourself.

Those are just a few of the statements I said to myself recently while I was experiencing writer's block. Mean, nasty stuff. To say the least, it wasn't very motivating.

I realized that day how often I abandon myself. How often I hang myself out to dry. And if I don't have my back, who does?

I see it all the time with clients. They come into my office and share how they wish their husband was more supportive or more loving. At some point, I will ask them, "How supportive and loving are you to yourself?" And they look at me with a strange expression. And I go on to say, "If YOU can't be loving to yourself or support yourself, how can you expect to welcome it from your husband?"

It is true. So often, we blame others for not giving us the right things when we can't even give it to ourselves. We are frustrated that our spouses abandon us when we abandon ourselves every day.

My favorite question to ask is, "Would you treat your daughter like that?" Even if you don't have a daughter, you can visualize a young female who you want to grow up to be a confident woman.

Would you say to her:

What is wrong with you?

Just sit down and do it!

Quit whining.

Why do you make everything so dramatic?

Get a grip.

Get over yourself.

If she came to you saying she was struggling with writing a paper for school?

No, you would probably say, "Okay, is there anything you are nervous about? Let's sit down and set the timer for 15 minutes, and you start writing anything you want to. Or if you write for 30 minutes, you can have 15 minutes to do anything you want."

In the new responses, you show up for your daughter. You meet her where she is and lovingly encourage her to do better. You don't give her a pass. And you don't belittle her into action.

Try it. When you catch yourself abandoning you, ask yourself: "Would I treat my daughter like that? What would I say to her?"

Slowing Down When it is the Last Thing You Want to do

For the past six months, one of my intentions is slowing down and not getting so caught up in the 'hustle' of go, go, go (which tends to be my default). What has surprised me the most is the more I practice slowing down throughout the day, the more I accomplish, and the better I feel. The other thing that surprises me is how hard it is to break the habit of go, go, go and the to-do list addiction. It took me a very long time to reconcile that accomplishment and drive could take up the same space as slowing down and intentional living. I realized that it took some big-time TRUST on my part to actually slow down.

The issue isn't that we don't know HOW to slow down. We don't WANT to slow down because we don't trust that slowing down is a good thing.

Here is how I see it play out:

You hear slowing down is good for you, and you agree wholeheartedly. You want to slow down; you decide to attend a yoga class or do a 5-minute meditation every morning. And (here's the part few people talk about) at first slowing down is PAINFUL. It causes us to be more aware (uh-oh!), feel more (blech!), and gives space for that nasty voice in our heads to tell us how lazy and slow we are (hello, inner critic!). And then, after our painful morning experience with slowing down, we meet a friend for lunch who is all about sharing everything she is accomplishing, how early she is getting up, and how she is killing it daily (all hail the to-do list!).

Slowing down is like working out. That first workout after months or years of not working out can cause us to be incredibly sore, so to the act of slowing down. Except society usually supports our idea of working out, and society DOES NOT support the idea of slowing down, especially the idea that slowing down can increase productivity (that's crazy!!)

So yes, slowing down will initially be painful. AND then after a few days, weeks, months, it gets less painful. Those thoughts and feelings aren't so scary, and you realize that being intentional and aware opens up your life in a way your to-do list can't touch.

So here are my tips for:

Slowing Down When You Know It Will Help You AND It Is The Last Thing You Want To Do.

Start Small.

A 5-minute meditation is a LONG time to be silent when you haven't done it before. Some of us are hard-wired to go go go, so slowing down is the LAST thing we want to do. I have added slowing down to my life by practicing mini rituals throughout the day.

Start where you are:

Being in the shower when you are in the shower, notice how hard this is to do.

Take 3 Deep Breathes at the stoplight.

Pick a task and hyper-focus on it. Go through your senses as you complete the task. e.g., cutting vegetables for dinner, cleaning dishes, writing an email.

Do anything slower. Drive slower, eat slower, walk slower.

Visualize your thoughts and feelings on a conveyor belt.

Slowing down creates space for our thoughts and feelings to emerge as well as our inner critic. When we visualize each thought and feeling like a package on a conveyor belt, we can choose to pick it up and look at it and then put it back down on the conveyor belt. This visual helps us remember that we don't have to be consumed by our thoughts; we can take them or leave them. Our thoughts and feelings are separate from us.

"Stay in Your Own Car."

Yes, your friend might be accomplishing a ton in her life. Good for her. But as your Mom told you, YOU are not your friend. You can only take care of yourself. Don't worry about how much other people are accomplishing or what they think of you (back to the conveyor belt of thoughts and feelings.) Stay. In. Your. Own Car.

There is No Right Way.

Slowing down is all about building non-judgemental awareness so you can be more engaged in your life. Slowing down by its very nature will make your inner critic more chatty, and he/she will have a lot of tips for how you SHOULD be doing it. Remind yourself repeatedly that there is no right way.

Keep Practicing.

When I first started intentionally slowing down, I had to keep bringing myself back over and over and over ( I still haven't made it through a shower without getting lost in my head, but when I started, I couldn't make it through the shampoo portion of my shower). It doesn't matter how many times you have to remind yourself to 'slow down.' Just keep practicing.

Slowing down is the simplest, most challenging task you will do in the quest to Live Happier. It is also one of the most rewarding.

Self Care: It's More Than Taking a Bubble Bath

Self-care has become a buzzword within the psychology/self-help world. If you have read any self-help literature, you will hear over and over to "Practice Self-Care." I am tired of the phrase Self Care. It has been used and abused.

Self-care is not just something you practice on the random Saturday where you treat yourself to a massage or a mani/Pedi (although that is wonderful). Self Care is a way of life. Self Care is a daily, hour by hour, minute by minute practice. Self-care means listening to yourself, showing up for yourself, and putting yourself first. Self-care is the practice we have heard announced over and over again on the airlines "Secure your oxygen mask before helping others."

Self-care means

• saying no when appropriate.

• saying yes when appropriate.

• handling conflicts directly and honestly.

• listening to yourself.

• taking a break when necessary.

• living a life based on values.

• showing up with presence and courage.

• setting healthy boundaries.

• practicing compassion, compassion, compassion

• actively engaging in your life.

The thing about self-care is no one can tell you how you should engage in self-care.

Self-care is the act of pausing and listening to YOU.

For some people, a hot bath is the ultimate self-care activity. For me, taking a bath is miserable. My tub is small. My bathroom is chilly. Inevitably, I forget something that I wanted and leave a trail of water in my wake.

For me, self-care is not a one size fits all event. It is a practice—an act of genuinely engaging with yourself and getting real.

Here are some tips to add REAL Self Care into your life.

• As you start your week and layout your calendar of events, ask yourself--do I want to be engaging in these activities? Are there any of these activities I could skip/pass/reschedule?

• Look at your calendar and ask is there enough time for me to re-group/re-energize? How can I add more?

• Brainstorm activities you enjoy, have enjoyed, or want to enjoy and start making time to enjoy them. (even if it is only 5 minutes)

• Do an inventory of the draining people and activities in your life? How can you limit interaction with these events?

• Do an inventory of the energizing people and activities in your life? How can you add more of these events?

• Where is there a conflict hanging over your head? How can you handle it in a productive/healthy way?

• Add breathing rituals into your day--take the time to stop, take three deep breaths, and check-in with yourself.

• Where are you putting someone else's needs first to the detriment of your own? How can you vocalize or prioritize your needs?

If we all practiced self-care--the world would be a better place. Self-care is not a buzz word it is a necessity.

The Toxic Belief of Soldiering On

There is a belief that leaves so many women I know exhausted, depleted, and stressed out. It is a toxic concept that I call "Soldiering On."

Soldiering on is the idea that life is full of pain and suffering. If you are experiencing any pain and suffering, you should suck it up and keep moving. Some common phrases used in the belief system of Soldiering On include:

• "never let them see you sweat."

• "Be grateful it could be worse."

• 'think positive' it's not that bad."

• "suck it up."

• "Be strong, don't burden other people with your problems."

Soldiering on is a necessary concept when used in short periods of great stress. There are times in our life when we do have to 'suck it up and 'keep moving forward,' but when Soldiering On becomes a way of life, which I see happening all the time. It is a problem.

Let's hear the story of Mindy. She is awesome at Soldiering On:

Mindy is a member of the sandwich generation. While she cares for her two kids, she also cares for her mother, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Mindy frequently feels overwhelmed with responsibility and stress. She is trying to do it ALL, and it often leaves her exhausted and tired at the end of the day. Mindy often tells herself,

"Ugh, this is so hard. But I should be positive; I have so many blessings."

"I could call Mary and vent, but has it so much worse she is caregiving for both her parents. I don't want to burden her."

"My head is killing me, and I am exhausted, but I need just to suck it up; life is hard, and there is no sense whining about it."

"I have so much to do today it is overwhelming, but it could be worse."

The idea of "Soldiering on" keeps Mindy stuck in overwhelm, pain and exhaustion. It is not serving her; instead, it leaves her living in an isolated world of martyrdom and pain.

Now let's hear the story of Maureen:

Maureen is also a member of the sandwich generation and shares the same feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion.

Here is what Maureen tells herself:

"Ugh, this is so hard. I am exhausted today. Understandably I am exhausted. My plate runneth over. I am going to go easy on myself today and just give myself lots of extra love" (COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION. Maureen is honest with herself here, no soldiering on, no suck it up, no fixing it, just raw honesty that this situation is HARD and she needs some extra support through it)

"Mary is dealing with this too with her parents; I love talking with her because she can understand what is happening. It is nice we have each other to lean on." (SHARE HER STORY) Maureen is willing to reach out to her friends, share her story, and get support. She understands that problems aren't graded. We all have problems; we all need support. Being vulnerable and reaching out isn't a weakness; it is a strength)

"My head is killing me, and I am exhausted. My body is telling me I need to rest. I am going to make it a priority tonight to go to bed early so I can read, relax and get a good night's sleep." (LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Maureen is listening to her body; it is telling her she is too stressed. She knows that is a warning sign and that she needs to take action.)

"I have so much to do today it is overwhelming. I am going to ask my husband to cook dinner tonight. We need to come up with a new plan for meal prep because it is just too much with my schedule. I am grateful for all he does, and I know we can figure out a way to work this out differently." (ASK FOR HELP. Maureen recognizes she can't do it alone and realizes she needs to ask for help from her husband and other people too.)

Maureen and Mindy BOTH were caregiving, and they were BOTH accomplishing a lot. Maureen was just putting herself as a priority and giving herself lots of compassion. Leaving her more energized, less exhausted, and more connected to the world around her.

The toxic belief is that Soldering On will gain us more productivity, more love, more respect. Soldiering On convinces us we have to do it alone, and we can't show any weakness. It leaves us absolutely no wiggle room.

Here are some tips if Soldiering on is one of your go to's:

Compassion. Compassion Compassion. When you learn to soldier on, you tend to ignore your feelings. You might not even notice you are sad or scared. And if you do, you will blame yourself for being weak rather than honoring the fact that these feelings are normal and understandable. You don't have to act on your feelings, but noticing and lovingly owning them helps.

Listen to your body. If you are tired, admit that to yourself. It doesn't mean you have to take a 2-hour nap. The fact is you are tired. Understandably, you are tired. Beating yourself up for being tired isn't going to make you feel less tired. It will probably make you feel more stressed and exhausted. So be honest with yourself. Honor what you are feeling, give yourself some compassion around it, and ask for help if you need it.

Share your Story. Find safe people and talk to them about what you are struggling with. Soldiering on convinces us that sharing=weakness. When you share your story, you become stronger because you gain perspective, learn you are not alone and find resources to help.

Ask for Help. This is hard because if you were raised to Soldier On, you were raised to handle all the burden yourself. Challenge yourself to get help in a small area of your life and slowly expand it. Remember, people LOVE to help and love knowing how to help, specifically. Remind yourself that strength comes from admitting when it is too much and reaching out to others.

Soldiering On has been passed down through the generations and has become hard-wired into our lifestyles and relationships. I will not lie; learning to unhook it takes daily intention and a choice not to settle for our default patterns. But gradually, over time, as you choose Compassion over Soldiering, life becomes happier.

We All Need a Little Wiggle Room

You get an alert on your phone, and you realize you have overdrawn your checking account due to a recent Target shopping trip. The minute you see the alert, your heart sinks. You know you have money to cover it, you know it will be ok, and yet your Inner Critic starts chiming in:

"You are just an idiot with money. I am mean, how could you have thought buying THAT was a good idea!! That was just STUPID. You will NEVER get ahead when it comes to finances. Your husband should just leave you now, and then where would you be." ---Love Always, Your Inner Critic

This dialogue is a small example of an Inner Critic attack. A vicious, just want to crawl in a hole because you are the worst person in the world attack. These attacks can be debilitating! I mean, how are you going to come back from those words? According to your Inner Critic, you are a stupid loser who will never get a grip on finances and will end up a penniless divorced loser all because you spent too much at Target.

When we are in the midst of these attacks, we want to do one of two things.

1. Crawl in a hole and hide forever.

2. Lash out at our Inner Critic, a.k.a rationalize with it so it can see our side.

Sadly neither of these will work. Your Inner Critic is irrational; you will always lose a rational argument. OBVIOUSLY, you aren't going to end up a penniless, divorced loser because you overspent at Target, but if there is one thing Inner Critics love, it is absolutes.

You ALWAYS overspend.

You are a TERRIBLE wife.

You will NEVER manage your money right.

You will NEVER get a raise.

So the key is recognizing this absolute thinking. Recognize that your Monger is attacking you. (Ideally, you will do this before you crawl into bed with your covers pulled over your head. But honestly, it doesn't matter when as long as you do it)

Notice the absolutes and ask yourself: "Where can I add a little wiggle room?"

Wiggle room is that place where your Inner Critic gets softened. Practicing wiggle room means you give yourself some grace, some softness around the Inner Critic messages.

When you add wiggle room, step away from the absolutes:

FROM: You ALWAYS overspend
TO: I did overspend this one time, and I can cover it, and it will be ok.

FROM: You are a terrible wife.
TO: Actually, I am a kind, loving wife who made a mistake.

FROM: You will NEVER manage your money, right
TO: I have come a long way when it comes to overspending, this was a big problem, but it isn't anymore. I made a mistake that is easily rectified.

When I catch my Inner Critic speaking to me in absolutes, I will literally wiggle my body around to remind myself that there is room for grace and compassion here. Absolutes are the #1 sign that our Inner Critic is running the show and that we need to step in and make some wiggle room.

Stop Pursuing...Start Living

If I had a magic wand, I would give everyone the gift of never forgetting that life is indeed a journey. So many of us (myself included) KNOW that life is a journey. We KNOW there isn't a magic button. And still, we become seduced by the belief that once I figure out _____ (Self-compassion, my weight, anxiety, self-talk), then I will be forever healed. If only I would meditate, eat mindfully love myself, THEN I would be at peace. We hold on to this belief for dear life. We become obsessed with it. We become addicted to growth.

Here is the truth.

Life is a journey. No matter how many books you read, courses your take, you won't be healed. You have to show up, do the work and be intentional every day.

Here's my advice: Stop Pursuing--Start Living.

Let's agree to jump off the self-improvement train. Let's agree to put down the books that tell us 5 Easy Ways to be Happier. The books convince us that we will be healed. All we have to do is learn these five simple things. Because inevitably, one of those ways is to love yourself, as if loving yourself was something you can learn to do one time and know forever.

You are imperfect. Life is messy. You can still live happier.

But, how can I possibly be happier when I am so miserable?!? (you may be asking)

Stop searching. Stop pushing. Stop trying SO HARD to do it RIGHT.

Take a big exhale and remind yourself YOU ARE ok. Right now. Tears streaming down your face, confusion in your soul, anxiety making you feel like you are crazy. You are ok.

Take another big exhale and give yourself a break.

This constant need for self-improvement, this constant push, push, push, is the opposite of loving ourselves.

It is time to scream a collective ENOUGH. And give ourselves a break. Put down the book, turn off the podcast and just be.

Be with yourself. Be with that confusion. Be with the anxiety. Stop running. Stop pushing. Stop improving.

Start loving. Start listening. Start feeling. Start treating yourself like the friend you have always wanted.

Start asking yourself:

What if there is no need to change, to transform yourself into someone more compassionate, more present, loving, or wise? How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better? 

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature--gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present? 

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Start showing up for your life with love.

Why am I So Angry?

People are frequently surprised when they hear that the number 1 reason my clients schedule an appointment is that they are tired of being so angry. Ironically if you were to meet these clients, they are the sweetest, kindest people you will meet. But inside, they are seething, and frequently it is those closest to them who bear the brunt of the anger. It is a hidden epidemic because most people in their lives don't know it exists.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. We are taught that 'good girls' don't have anger, and in response to that teaching, we tend to have two reactions to anger. Stuff it or take it out on someone else.

Stuff it: A client from a few years ago had just found out her husband had cheated on her, and she came in to deal with it. After she had told me the story, filled with sacrifices she had made and the countless ways he had treated her poorly, I asked how she felt hearing the story. And she replied, "I am just hurt." "Hurt," I said, "that is understandable. I, for one, am pretty angry," and she looked at me, completely startled. "Angry?" she asked. And I said, "Yes, in hearing this story, I am angry at your husband for treating you this way." She immediately started crying and, in a small, meek voice, said, "Me too, I am just not comfortable saying it."

We spent a large chunk of our time together helping her learn how to feel and express anger in a healthy way—learning how to find her voice. Speak up for herself. Recognize what anger felt like and how to share it in healthy, productive ways.

Spread it: Or maybe you are ok with your anger. A former client of mine was very comfortable with her anger. She would yell at her kids, belittle her husband and tell anyone she knew how she felt about them. She didn't enjoy expressing herself in this way, but she had vowed to herself after watching her mother be so meek and mild to her father that she wasn't going to walk through life without expressing herself. She and I spent much of our time together working on healthy ways to express her anger and figuring out what was at the root of her anger. Frequently what we THINK we are angry about is merely a trigger to what is happening in the present moment. We might be yelling at our child for missing the bus, but we are frustrated because by missing the bus, we feel like less of a parent. There are many inappropriate ways of expressing anger: Passive-aggressive, talking behind someone's back, yelling at someone, hitting someone, or belittling someone.

How to deal with anger productively

Own it. Anger is as much a part of life as joy and sadness. The more we try to avoid our anger, the more it pops up.

Express it. If you are filled with rage, let it out in a safe way. Throw dishes, throw eggs, hit a pillow, scream at the sky, write a nasty letter and burn it, turn up the music and dance your ass off. Do something physical that is not directed at another person to release it from your body.

Share it calmly. Share it with a friend, partner, or loved one. Sharing can help you get to the cause of the anger, the source. It is important to do this AFTER you have expressed it. During the conversation, if you realize that you are taking the anger out on the person you are talking to--repeat step 1.

Take steps to heal it.  If it is an unexpressed need, express the need and work toward getting it filled. If it is an injustice, share the injustice and work to resolve it. If it is a shame trigger, work to heal your past. Take PRODUCTIVE action. (Yes, I know WAY easier said than done.)

Common causes of anger: people-pleasing, perfectionism, jealousy, shame, feeling powerless, frustration, loss, overwhelm, exhaustion.

Anger doesn't need to be feared. Anger is a healthy, normal part of life. Anger shows us when we are feeling wronged, and when we express it productively, we can change ourselves and the world.

Avoiding Vacation Distress

Picture this: You are getting ready for your family vacation. You, your partner, and your kids are meeting up with members of your extended family for a beach getaway. As you organize, pack and run around like a crazy person, you are dreaming of long walks on the beach with your partner and romantic dinners while your parents watch the kids. As the vacation begins, you quickly realize your husband has other plans. Because it is your family, he assumes you want to hang with your sisters as much as possible, so he takes care of the kids, entertains his in-laws, and attempts to give you as much girl time as possible.

You leave the vacation bummed and disappointed.

Doesn't he want to be with you? 

How could he ignore you all vacation? 

When you get home, you are hurt and furious, and you end up in a huge fight.

Do you know what was missing from that picture?

Expectations. 

There is a quote that says, "Expectations are premeditated resentments."

I disagree with that quote--I think it should say, "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments."

There is nothing wrong with having expectations. I think expectations are one of the best things about planning a date night, trip, party, or event. Looking forward to something can be the best part of the event. However, not sharing those expectations with those closest to us can be TROUBLE. The number of fights my nearest and dearest and I have dramatically reduced once I shared my expectations with him. When I was able to share what I wanted from a date night or a trip (even when I knew the expectations were unattainable), we were able to head into the trip/night ready to make it happen.

I can hear you saying, "But sharing your expectations, that is SCARY." Yep, it certainly is. I agree. So it is best to start with those we love, and those we know love us. Remember, your partner wants to give you what you want, sometimes they just don't know what it is.

In the above example: He GUESSED that you wanted to spend time with your family, so he gave you that gift. Unfortunately, he guessed wrong because there was no conversation about expectations.

Here are my tips on how to have a conversation about expectations.

1. Admit you have expectations. Admit to yourself that you have a pre-determined plan for how the trip is going to go. If it is a date night, admit to yourself that you want to feel beautiful, you want your spouse to look at you like you are the only person in the world, and you want to feel like you are dating again. 

2. Get Specific. Once you know you have expectations get specific about what they are. This is more than just saying, "I want to feel special." The key is to dig deeper. What does special look like and feel like to you?

• Do you want your spouse to make you feel like you are beautiful? How does he do that? In what he says or what he does? Could he buy you something to make you feel beautiful?

• Do you want to talk about something other than the kids? What do you want to talk about?

• Do you want to be able to spend time on vacation reading and relaxing alone? How much time? A whole afternoon? Multiple days?

• Do you want to feel like you are dating again? How does that feel? Do you want to do what you did when you were dating? Talk about what you did then?

3. Have a conversation. Before the event, sit down with your partner and share your specific expectations. Tell him what he needs to know to hit your expectations for the event/trip. So if you are envisioning long walks on the beach--TELL HIM. If you want time with just him and the kids--SHARE THAT. If you want to spend time on the beach every day reading alone--EXPRESS THAT. Sharing expectations are like sharing our needs. We won't get them met if we don't express them.

4. Be Realistic. Recognize that not all your expectations will be met. These are hopes, not guidelines. So yes, it would be awesome to have long nights of walking under the star-lit sky and eating by candlelight and doing that nightly while vacationing with ten other people and two kids under the age of 6, probably not realistic. But it is realistic to discuss how you can accomplish part of that. Sharing expectations allow a negotiation to begin.

Picture this (version 2): You are getting ready for your family vacation. You, your partner, and your kids are meeting up with members of your extended family for a beach getaway. As you organize, pack and run around like a crazy person, you are dreaming of long walks on the beach with your partner and romantic dinners while your parents watch the kids. As the vacation begins, you know some of your expectations will be met because you and your partner chatted about it. He is planning a romantic night at a nice restaurant, and you have already asked your parents to watch the kids. At dinner, you have the rule no kid talk is allowed, and you have a fantastic conversation about what comes next for both of you professionally and personally. You have just enough time to take a quick walk on the beach before it starts raining. But you don't mind the rain because you got one of your expectations met. The rest of the vacation is relaxed and fun (with the inevitable stress and squabbles that occur when families gather). You leave the vacation feeling relaxed, refreshed, and connected to your partner and family. It has been one of the best vacations ever.

Feeling Unappreciated? What to Do First

Recently a client said to me, "I finally figured out whenever I am complaining about someone else not giving me what I need. First, I have to look and see if I am giving it to myself. And if I am not giving to myself, I need to start there."

She shared how overwhelmed she was feeling and repeatedly kept getting frustrated at her husband. Didn't he see how overwhelmed she was?!?! She just needed him to back off and give her a break! Later, she realized how much she wasn't giving herself a break. How hard she was pushing herself and driving herself. Her husband was not the cause of her overwhelm; she was. Whenever we start noticing our frustration at others building, the first place is to start with ourselves.

"I am so tired of not being heard!" Are you listening to yourself, or are you ignoring your inner voice calling for a break?

"I am so tired of no one appreciating what I am doing" Do you appreciate all you are doing, or do you just keep hammering yourself to get more done?

We do it all the time, look to others to give us what we aren't giving ourselves. We want others to appreciate us, but we don't appreciate ourselves. We want others to listen to us, but we don't listen to ourselves. We want others to love our bodies, but we HATE our bodies. We want others to give us a break when the last thing we ever give ourselves is some love and kindness.

And we take it one step further; we take the stuff we are beating ourselves up about, and we project it on someone else. So we make a gigantic story that someone is disappointed in us when in reality we are disappointed in ourselves.

I did it recently, I had told myself and my husband I would pull the weeds in the backyard. But it never happened. So I kept telling myself what a lazy person I was and how my husband was so disappointed in me that I hadn't done it yet. I thought to myself, I wish he would back off about the gardening. I just haven't gotten to it yet (side note he NEVER mentioned the weeds or the garden)

As I headed out to the garden, I said to my husband, "I am headed outside to finally pull those weeds I promised I would last weekend. Sorry, I didn't get to it earlier. I know it has been driving you crazy". My husband looked at me and said, "What weeds?! I didn't even notice that you hadn't done it." I had been beating myself up for days about the weeds, and my Monger had told me what a terrible person I was and how annoyed my husband was at me about it. I had built this HUGE story in my head that my husband was annoyed about the weeds and was upset that I hadn't pulled them when I said I would do it seven days before. And in reality, he didn't even notice I hadn't done what I said I would. He wasn't monitoring me or my weed pulling! I WAS the one who was beating myself. I was the one who was hammering myself for not following through, getting my chores done, and not being true to my word. I put my negative thoughts about myself all over him. It is a sneaky little way that our wily mongers show up in our lives and convince us we are terrible people.

So the next time you notice yourself thinking, "Ugh, I wish they would..." Ask yourself am I giving this to myself? Am I treating myself with grace and compassion?

And if you are and you still wish your husband would step in and do more than lovingly speak up for yourself and ask for the need. When we appreciate who we are and all we are doing, asking for that need comes from a place of kindness and respect rather than bitterness and resentment. It all Starts with Speaking Your Needs.

The Danger in the Belief "Everything will be better when..."

Notice how often you say the words to yourself:

"Once ___________

• The presentation is over

• The school year ends

• Vacation starts

• The weekend

• The kids are out of the house

• I lose 30 lbs

then everything will be better."

That used to be my mantra. I was always living for the weekend, for warmer weather, less stress, more relaxation. I was always chasing SOMETHING. Living for a time that wasn't whatever it was I was dealing with right now. Because THEN it would always be better.

Learning to let go of that chase has been a game-changer for me. Unfortunately, it happened when my Dad got sick. We would be going through a stressful time with him, and I would say to myself, "Once we get through this, it will be better," and then I realized what I was saying...once you get through this, what will be left? Dad will be dead when we get through this time, and I don't want that either. That is permanent. I had the realization that there would be no 'everything will be better time' in this situation. And I started thinking about all the other times I told myself that, if I lose weight, when we get on vacation and when I arrived at those places, life wasn't magically better. It was different but not necessarily better.

I realized all I was doing was wishing my life away. I was not living my life; I was waiting for my life. Sure, vacations are great, but I would spend all my time on vacation trying to slow time down to enjoy it that I wasn't present for vacation. I lived my life either in fast forward or slow motion but wasn't present for any of it.

Part of the reason we wish stressful times away is that we don't have a comfortable way to deal with them. For me, I would spend so much of my time beating myself up during the stressful time (compounding the stress ten-fold) that it was not surprising that I just wanted the time to go away.

I needed more tools than just telling myself to "be present" or "STOP wishing your life away." I needed a way to deal with that stress rather than will it away or run from it.

So I started permitting myself to embrace the mess. To embrace how hard it might be in the present moment. To embrace that this particular period in life is HARD, and I am STRUGGLING, and that's ok. I actively work on lovingly telling my Monger to simmer down and offer myself more grace and compassion.

Learning to let go of the chase AND lovingly seeing myself through the challenging times has been a game-changer. It isn't easy. It isn't quick. But it does make life way more enjoyable. Not living in the future allows me to show up for all of my life. It allows me to be present for every minute of it rather than fast-forwarding to just get to the good parts.

How to Stop Hijacking Yourself

The hardest part about dealing with Monger is noticing she is even there. The Monger is wily and subtle. She isn't a giant in-your-face monster who storms into your life and makes you miserable. No, she is much more sneaky. This sneakiness is why we often don't notice our Monger. She plays there in our heads quietly, telling us how much we suck, how terrible we are, how we could be better, thinner, cuter, smarter, friendlier, more accommodating, etc. Because she is so subtle, so wily, so creative, we listen to her and believe her. So here are some ways your Monger might be showing up in your life, and you don't even recognize it.

Procrastination. 

Your inbox is growing and growing, and you set aside an hour to plow through it, but at the end of the hour, you have made minimal progress.

How your Monger hijacked it: One of the first emails you come across is from a co-worker wanting an answer to a pressing problem. The truth is, you don't have time to research the answer right now, and you need to tell her that your plate is full, and you won't be able to get to it for a couple of weeks. As you go to write, your Monger says, "Really, you are going to tell her your plate is full? Who do you think you are? OH, you are SOOO busy, right? Well, maybe if you were better organized, you wouldn't have to dump all your work on everyone else." So you write nothing. And that repeats for a few more emails until finally, unknowingly, you give up (who can blame you!?). Why would you want to listen to that added stress to your day?

Overly Emotional Response (aka a nine response to a two event) 

It is Saturday, and you and the family arrive home after a busy day of sports and birthday parties. Your husband asks a simple question, "What's for dinner?". And your immediate response is anger. You scream, "I don't know...why is it always my job to figure out what's for dinner!!"

How your Monger hijacked it: In the car on the way home, you are thinking about what to have for dinner, AND you also think that you don't want to cook. As you start to say to your husband, "Hey, let's grab something out or help me come up with dinner?" Your Mongers starts playing in your head, "You are such a terrible mom...you can't even come up with dinner!! Give me a break, how hard is that!! It is your job to make dinner, so just do it and quit whining". You get more and more irritated, fighting with the reality that you don't want to make dinner but also having the inner war that a 'good mom always makes dinner.' So when you get home, your husband asks a simple, logical question, what's for dinner, and you are ready to explode!!

There are countless ways these two scenarios play out.

You decide you want to do some landscaping in your yard, but you give up after only an hour. Because unknowingly, your inner critic was hammering you the whole time about how untalented you were.

You are excited to go to happy hour with your new co-workers, but you decide not to go at the last minute. Because your inner critic spent most of the day telling you that you were too old, and your co-workers don't want to hang out with an old person.

You want to share your new idea at the staff meeting, but you pass when it is your turn to speak because your inner critic spent the first half of the meeting telling you how stupid the idea was and that everyone will make fun of you.

Our Monger isn't subtle and sneaky. She sidetracks us, manipulates us, and convinces us that she knows what's best. She changes our behaviors, makes us engage in activities we don't want to, and prevents us from fully showing up in our lives. Her power comes from her quiet, determined methods. So the more you start noticing her preferred methods, the easier it is to take away her power.

Pay attention to the sneaky ways your Monger shows up. Notice how often you start a task you want to do, only to end up sidetracked and derailed and ask yourself:

What happened here?

What was my inner dialogue before I quit?

Notice when you have a super emotional response to a minimal crime and ask yourself. What happened here? What was my inner dialogue before I quit?

How to Not Be Paralyzed by Your Inner Critic

Believing the quote, "Real change comes from self-love, not self-loathing," has radically shifted my life both professionally and personally. It is a simple quote but a challenging idea. We learn that we are so flawed and broken that the only way to achieve success is through beating ourselves up and being critical. Ironically, this self-loathing tends to make us less motivated and less successful, thus creating a self-fulfilling process. An easy example of this phenomenon is starting a new exercise routine. We try to start a new routine; our inner critic tells us how terrible we are and how we should be doing it differently. Inevitably, we get tired of all the self-criticism, so we stop exercising, and our inner critic says, "See, I told you, you are lazy and unmotivated, good thing you have me to keep you in line." So we either stop altogether, or the cycle repeats. UGH! How frustrating!!

Recently, I decided I wanted to get back in shape. I wanted to make an intentional shift so I could avoid the cycle above. This is my story:

I am out of shape. I have a regular yoga practice, and I do some movement most days of the week, but I am out of shape as far as cardio/strength training. So last week, we decided to buy a Total Gym to have a way to build muscle and strength and add to my routine of walking and yoga.

We set up the Total Gym on Friday afternoon, and I clumsily tried to use it. I fumbled around the machine with laughter and embarrassment, trying to figure out the pulley system and how it all works. I realized there was going to be a learning curve, and I would need to be patient (not my strong suit). But I wanted to approach this working out experience differently. Here's what I found:

Past: I would try to do it perfectly, get frustrated if it wasn't going perfectly, and be so critical of myself I would rarely, if ever, use the equipment again.

Present: I watched a few videos on using the equipment, and I gave myself a grace period of learning how to do it. This was more motivating. Each time I got discouraged, I reminded myself I was in the learning grace period, and I had time.

Past: I would have jumped on the equipment (not knowing how to use it) and put it on the hardest level possible (because that is, after all, how you get the best workout). I would have injured myself or been so sore the next day I wouldn't want to get on it for days.

Present: I picked a beginner's workout and fumbled through the exercises keeping it on the lower settings. I was winded and a bit sore but excited that I could do it and motivated to watch my progress.

Past: I would have been so frustrated that I was so out of shape and would have spent the entire workout being critical of how I let myself go and how I was a lazy, out of shape 40 year old. 

Present: I did become frustrated with how out of shape I am. I remembered not that long ago when I was in killer shape. AND then I reminded myself that I am where I am. I am out of shape, which is ok because I am working on getting back in shape. I also reminded myself that I will see a lot of progress because I am so out of shape, making it more fun.

Past: I would have set HUGE lofty goals for how much I wanted to accomplish and how much I was going to work out. Then getting discouraged and disappointed when I didn't reach those goals, so I would inevitably stop working out altogether.

Present: I am more realistic. The temptation to get huge and lofty is still there, and then I remind myself to be realistic. I want to move and do fun activities without worrying about being sore and out of shape. I don't want to run a marathon or lift a certain number of pounds; I want to feel good in my body.

Like I said in the intro, this process has taken some serious intention setting!! I haven't banned my inner critic permanently. She still shows up in her cunning, manipulative ways. But I can see her now without letting her run amuck in my head and keep me from my goals.

This example is simple and universal. Our inner critic does this same routine any time we try something new, whether it be a new job, new relationship, new goal, or new experience. We need to be as intentional and present as possible to not let the cycle continue.

Having Needs Doesn't Make You Needy

One theme that helps decrease resentment and increase their quality of life and relationships: expressing your needs does not mean you are needy.

My clients range from 20 somethings to 60 somethings. But the one thing they ALL have in common: Somewhere they heard and swallowed the message, "I don't want to be too needy," and that fear of being labeled needy has translated into having no needs at all. Whether they are single or married for 20+years, they are afraid of being seen as needy. So they end up feeling angry, ignored in the world, and resentful. It shows up in taking on too much responsibility, not asking for help, and avoiding conflict.

The women's movement has created strong independent women. I know we have a long way to go in gaining equality. But something that is not helping the cause is this fear of being seen as needy. We have created two extremes strong independent take no prisoners women vs. women with no needs, no opinions, or voice.

Needs do not equal weakness.

This lack of needs creates inauthentic relationships where the woman takes care of everything and doesn't speak up until she has hit her limit—leaving women feeling sad, angry, resentful, and anxious. Owning your needs starts by recognizing it is ok to have needs. Needing help is ok. It is ok to admit you can't do it all. It is ok to "lean in," as Sheryl Sandberg says.

I didn't get married until I was in my late 30s and spent much of my adult life fine-tuning my 'strong single Nancy' persona. I had a HUGE fear of being seen as needy, and I admit even now, seven years into my relationship, I have to remind myself. Lean in. Being vulnerable is ok. It is ok to ask.

When I started thinking about this topic, I Googled "Having needs vs. being needy," the results included articles from Cosmo to a variety of Men's magazines about how not to be a 'needy girlfriend' or what to do if your girlfriend is needy, which was disheartening.

The truth is, saying men don't like women who have needs is saying men don't like women who are breathing. How boring would it be to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have any desires, passions, or feelings? How boring would it be to have a relationship with someone who always was 'fine'?

So, where is the line between having needs and being needy?

Motivation.

What is your motivation? A needy person is attached to the outcome. Their motivation for asking for something is to test 'how much do you love me?" So they throw out needs to see if their partner will prove their love. How much someone runs at your beck and call does not equal how much they love and respect you. When you speak a need after being centered and honest with yourself and not a test for the relationship, you are speaking needs in a healthy way. You are less attached to the outcome and more attached to building up the relationship and solving the problem.

Know your needs.

Be clear on what you need and be specific about it. It is also helpful to know how important the need is to you. I may ask my husband to help me carry in the groceries, and it is just a request, and later that week, I may ask him, and I need the help. Know and communicate the difference. Because needy people are vague and indirect in what they need, they ask for many things, but none fill the need because they don't know what will fill them.

Be Direct.

Speak your need directly and honestly. Needy people use mind-reading, manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and pouting to express their needs.

A Willingness to Hear No.

Sometimes needs can't be met, and that is ok. Be willing to hear no and be open to compromise.

Discernment

Needy people stay in a relationship well past its expiration date. Knowing when to recognize that someone can respect and meet your needs is important. If someone is unwilling to listen, comprise, and respect your needs, then it is time to practice some discernment about having that person in your life.