The Temptation to Blow It All Up
Fear. It is a common theme when it comes to any type of change.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of just making a fool of yourself.
Regardless of what the fear is, if we are contemplating a change, it is usually there. There is only one way to fight the fear (or the Monger), and that is by going through it. Unfortunately, going through the fear is hard! Fighting the fear involves intentionality, awareness, perseverance, and moving pebbles or even mountains.
Occasionally, I have clients who decide to bypass the Monger and just blow it all up. They "blow up" the parts of their lives that aren't working. Quit their job without a plan B, leave their spouse without explanation, or move to Denver with no notice.
From time to time, and for some people, this works. In fact, I quit a job with a very loose back-up plan in place. That being said, I didn't have a family to support and knew exactly how long the money in my savings would last. So although the decision appeared irrational, I had a plan, albeit a loose one, but it was a plan.
I am talking about the people who have no plan, who have no clue of a plan B, no regard for their values or priorities, or their family or loved ones hurting by their actions. My theory is that when you get the urge to just blow it up without measuring the consequences or the pain, fear is in the way.
I once worked with a client who had a lot of fear around leaving her job. Security was vital to her, as was supporting her family. However, she would frequently talk about just walking into work, giving her two weeks' notice, and going back to school. When she talked about doing this, her face would light up, and she would get very excited—usually a sign to me that someone is on the right track. In fact, she was on the right track, but she was trying to take the long road around the Monger rather than go through the doubts, insecurities, and fears.
This long road could involve debt, not being able to afford her child's college education, keeping her husband from pursuing his dreams, and taking time away from her children as she went back to school. While none of those things are life-threatening, they were very much against her values of financial security (e.g., no debt) and family (e.g., her husband's dreams, spending time with her children). So when she started talking about blowing it all up, I became curious about her fears. It turns out the Monger was running rampant in her brain. She was full of self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety about going back to school.
The kicker is that even if she blew everything up and took the long road around the Monger and just quit her job and went back to school, she still has to face her fears at some point. She has to go through the Monger eventually. She has to deal with herself and face her doubts and fears about trying something new, going back to school, and risking her family's security. Because although her job is making her unhappy, it is her self-doubt and negative self-talk keeping her in that place. She has to learn how to deal with herself and make change within herself, facing the fear one step at a time.
Her fear isn't going anywhere; it will just be temporarily covered by the carnage of the "blow it all up" bomb. She will have to face all these doubts after causing her family thousands of dollars of debt and loss of valuable time, both things she highly values, OR she can face her fears one step at a time as she plans the best way to move forward. It isn't that quitting her job and going back to school is a bad idea.
The point is, there are two ways to go about her plan:
Blow it all up and deal with the pain and consequences later.
Make a plan for quitting her job and going back to school that fits with her values, priorities, and obligations.
I know when my clients get the temptation to blow it all up with no regard for the consequences, it means two things. 1. They are on the right path, and 2. We are in the midst of their Monger.
Change is not easy, and if there is one thing that gets the Monger active, it is when we are thinking about making a change. When we take one step at a time, face our doubts and fears, keep in mind our values and priorities, and make a plan, we can live happier.