Episode 121: The 3 Steps of A.S.K.: Kindly Pulling Back

In today’s episode, we continue our discussion of A.S.K. with the third step of the system: Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture

No matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, every now and then we make a mistake. 

Mistakes happen and when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves–telling ourselves things like: I'm such a failure, I deserve to be fired, I am a terrible parent. 

Sometimes we can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn't matter in the long run. 

But then there are the times when we really mess up. When we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters. We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse. 

What happens when we really mess up and can't just rationalize our way out of it? When our inner voice isn't making a mountain out of a molehill? When our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions?

How do we ever get past this? What's next? 

This episode is about the big mistakes. It's about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations. Calm your anxiety and feel better. 

Today, we're finishing up this three-part series on the A.S.K. method for dealing with your High Functioning Anxiety by examining the third step: kindly pull back and see the big picture. I talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we really mess up.

Can kindness really pull us out of that? 

Yes, it can. 

If you haven’t already, take the time to go back and listen to the first two episodes in this series: Acknowledging Your Feelings and Slow Down and Get Into Your Body.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• What to do when we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters

• How no amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes any better

• How kindly pulling back to see the big picture allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom

• How to lean on the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan – Kindness, Forgiveness, and Curiosity

Some of the research and resources mentioned:

• The Feelings List PDF

• Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head – The Monger

• Episode 111: The Voices In Your Head – The BFF

• Episode 112: The Voices In Your Head – The Biggest Fan

+ Read the Transcript

Every now and then, we make a mistake.

Yes, no matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, mistakes happen.

And when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves.

“I’m such a failure.”

“I deserve to be fired.”

“I’m a terrible parent.”

Sometimes, we catch ourselves. We realize that we’re overreacting. We can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn’t matter in the long run.

And then there are times when we really mess up. We legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters.

We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse.

Our inner voice isn’t making a mountain out of a molehill.

Our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions.

What next? How do you ever get past that?

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

This episode isn’t about the small mistakes and the way we talk to ourselves in those situations.

This episode is about the big mistakes. It’s about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations, calm your anxiety, and feel better.

Let’s get back to your inner voice. I call the inner voice that likes to remind you how horrible you are and what a big failure you’ve become, the Monger.

Frequently when I talk about the Monger, I use an example of something that doesn’t REALLY matter but does matter to our Monger. Something like forgetting someone’s birthday or calling someone by the wrong name. But what happens when we REALLY mess up when we can’t just rationalize our way out of it.

Today, we’re finishing up this 3-part series on the A.S.K. Method for dealing with your high-functioning anxiety by examining the 3rd step: Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

I want to talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we REALLY mess up. Can kindness really pull us out of that? You might be surprised to hear me say yes. Yes, it can.

In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. All this month, we will be talking about HOW to do that. We will be diving deeper into my 3 step A.S.K. system for calling in the Biggest Fan.

In the past 2 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the first step A. Acknowledge your Feelings and the second step S. Slow Down and get into your body.

, if you missed it, please go back and give it a listen. This week we are talking about the third step – K-Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

When we are performing from a place of anxiety, or when our Monger is beating us up for doing it wrong, our world view shrinks down to tunnel vision. It is almost as if someone puts blinders on us, and we have tunnel vision. When we are operating from that tunnel vision, we look externally for answers, we tell ourselves if we accomplish more or do it better, we will feel better. So here is a common example of this phenomenon:

You are behind at work. Your team missed a deadline, and the next deadline is looming ahead. Your Monger keeps reminding you that you are going to get fired, and your boss thinks you are slow. So you decide you need to become a better manager. You spend time researching a bunch of podcasts that you think will help, and on your way home from work, you call your best friend and your sister to vent your frustration and see if they have any help. They detail their systems and offer more resources for you to get more done. Sounds helpful, right? Obviously, you NEED a better time management system and tips on being a better manager. And it does help for a moment. By the time you get home, your Monger is quieter, and you go through the evening tasks with plans to dive into these resources before bed. And then it hits you, wait a minute. I don’t have time to read or listen to all these resources, I have stuff I have to do and deadlines to meet, and your Monger goes crazy, slamming you yet again for piling on and heading down the wrong path. At this point, you have a choice, you can call another friend and get more input (which I have certainly done), or you can slow down and check-in with yourself to figure out how best to solve this problem (aka call in your biggest fan)

I hear this example all the time; Hell, I have lived this example numerous times. Because people with HFA learned early on, we can’t be trusted. We have to find the answer outside of ourselves, we are losers, and everyone else knows better than us. That is why A.S.K. is so powerful. The process of A.S.K. reconnects us with ourselves. It forces us to acknowledge what is going on internally. To allow our feelings, get out of our heads and see a bigger picture where our Monger isn’t running the show our Biggest Fan is.

One of the keys to decreasing HFA is building loyalty with yourself, trusting yourself, and connecting with yourself rather than always looking outside of yourself for the “better” answer. A.S.K. is the jumping-off point to build that self-loyalty.

This is where the first 2 steps come in Acknowledge what you are feeling and Slow Down and get into your body are both designed for you to look internally and honor what is going on in your own body and mind. And then the last step, Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture, allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom.

This last step is where the Biggest Fan shows her kindness and wisdom. So what does this look like, you might be wondering? Here are some signs:

1. Our Biggest Fan doesn’t use shame and belittling when looking at options. There is no “should” or “other people do it” in her vocabulary.

2. She always has our best interests at heart. She is kind, not judgmental, and she doesn’t lead us down a path that will hurt us eventually (like our BFF might).

In episode 112, I talk more about the Biggest Fan and what I mean when I talk about her.

So what does it mean to Kindly pull back and see the big picture?

I like to think of it as seeing in color, Our Monger forces us to look at the world in black and white, where there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. This is why we are so attracted to the idea of finding the right way. Yes, our Monger has consistently told us the lie that there is a right way. And when we get too overwhelmed with beating ourselves up, we ping pong over to the voice of the BFF, who gives us a much-needed rest but also throws in a bit of self-sabotage. So when your Monger tells you, of course, you are going to get fired for missing all these deadlines, your BFF jumps in with a screw it, let’s just take a long lunch. And so you take a long lunch with a co-worker, spending much of the lunch talking smack about one of your employees and blaming her for all the delays and missed deadline. By the time you get back from lunch, you are further behind, feeling like a bad manager for talking smack and hammered even harder from your Monger.

Neither of these voices have your best interest at heart. Your Monger is looking externally at what needs to be done, and your BFF always looking to give you a break and, in that spirit, also a little sabotage. Both your Monger and BFF live in black and white. Luckily, our Biggest Fan sees the other colors and lives in the middle world where happier, stress-free options are available.

So let’s look at the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan

The first trait is Kindness:

Now I know this sounds obvious because the step is Kindly pull back to see the big picture. But this kindness piece is the key. Talking with kindness to yourself is probably not your go-to response. So what does that even look like? One of the ways I have found to do this is by paying attention to my physical positioning. When we are in the throws of our Monger and in that go-go-go mentality, our energy is focused outward. We are keyed up, our posture is pushed forward, our shoulders are tight, we walk faster, we clench our jaw and our fists our energy is elevated. When we are being kind to ourselves, our energy becomes softer. Our shoulders fall, our jaw unclenches, we immediately feel seen and heard and can take a big exhale.

Kindness looks like,

“I know this is hard.”

“It sucks to be this overwhelmed.”

“Feeling out of control is the WORST.”

“Missing a deadline is just so annoying.”

“Disappointing your husband is so embarrassing.”

“We can fix this.”

Kindness isn’t immediately about solving the problem it is just about saying, “Hey, I see you over there doing the best you can with what you have. I see you making mistakes, being disappointed in yourself, and that sucks.”

It feels foreign. It feels strange. And once you get in the practice of it, it is a game-changer.

The 2nd trait is Forgiveness.

We mistakenly have the belief that if we give ourselves forgiveness, we are giving ourselves slack. This is the big mindset difference of the biggest fan. We have lived far too long with either the voice of our Monger who offers us shame and belittling, slowly tearing apart and dissecting each and every mistake with the intent that by doing this, we won’t make the same mistake again. But in reality, all this shaming and belittling does is make us feel defeated. So we jump to our BFF. In order to help us feel better after the belittling of our Monger, our BFF offers us justification, and frequently she can come up with someone else to blame. Which again is not helpful.

Our Biggest Fan offers us forgiveness she recognizes that we are HUMAN and humans make mistakes. When we can give ourselves forgiveness for making a mistake, we can move past the mistake itself and figure out where to make changes next time and how to learn and grow.

Now before you think forgiveness just happens in a poof, all is forgiven way (especially when we are talking about one of these bigger mess-ups), I want to remind you of the story of the broken plate. You go to someone’s house, and you accidentally break a plate, you apologize, you pick up the pieces, you might even be able to glue it back together, but the plate is still broken. The mistake lives on.

You might be thinking, ouch, that is a Monger story for sure. If I mess up, I can never make it right, and I will live forever to beat myself up.

But your Biggest Fan sees that story differently. You messed up; you broke a plate, that sucks because it was an accident. You apologize to your friend, you hug her as she cries because it turns out it was her grandmother’s plate. But you cannot repair it completely. AND beating yourself up about it does nothing IT IS STILL a broken plate. No matter how much you apologize or fix it. But what does help? Kindness. Understanding. Showing up and admitting your mistakes.

Here is the lesson, we have to forgive ourselves. If we don’t forgive ourselves, we can’t be there for people we hurt. We can’t show up to do it differently because we are so wrapped up in beating ourselves up.

The 3rd trait is Curiosity.

After we forgive ourselves for being human and making a mistake, we need to be curious. The Biggest Fan is always encouraging you to be curious. She sees everything as an experiment. There is no judgment. Right and wrong don’t exist. Every situation offers a chance to provide more wisdom.

Curiosity is a key part of K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture. Too often, our Monger steps in and uses curiosity as a way to be judgmental.

The question isn’t “Why did this happen?” (which leads to more judgment and shame), it’s “What could I do differently? How can I improve the outcome?

Asking these questions allows you to come up with new ideas and options.

As I have said before, one of the ways to recognize your Monger is she talks in absolutes, she puts those blinders on so that you have tunnel vision. A powerful way around that is to use the word And.

And allows you to take two opposing ideas and make them one thought.

I want to work out, and right now, I am tired. Both are true.

I want to eat an ice cream sundae, and I know ice cream upsets my stomach. Both are true.

I feel like a terrible manager since I missed the deadline, AND sometimes I mess up and drop the ball.

So going back to your unproductive morning at work and your long lunch where your BFF and Monger are arguing. You want to Kindly pull back to see the Big picture, you can say to yourself ok, maybe the long lunch wasn’t the best idea, and honestly, getting to work early on a Monday is a bit unrealistic (forgiveness). Regrouping, what do I need to get done today to feel good about the day. You decide on 2 different to-dos on your list. And you are going to use the rest of the day as an experiment to see how long it takes you to REALLY complete a task vs. how long your Monger thinks it will take you (curiosity). You shut your door and set the timer for 30 minutes, shut off your music (because yes, you love listening to it, but it is distracting, turn off your email notifications and buckle down. When your timer goes off, you stand up and take a walk around the office and reflect on how it is going (Kindness). You realize maybe your expectations are out of whack. Maybe when you are setting deadlines, you are setting your expectations too high. You decide you need to meet with your team and re-visit the deadlines you have for the future. By the end of the day, you leave feeling accomplished and far less shame-filled.

Here’s the truth that is so hard to hold on to. You are human. You make mistakes. No amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes (yes, even the big ones) any better. The ONLY thing that helps is being kind, forgiving yourself, and having curiosity.

So the next time you hear your Monger chatting, practice A.S.K.

A. Acknowledge what you are feeling

B. Slow Down and Get into your body

C. Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

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Episode 120: The 3 Steps of A.S.K.: Slow Down And Get Into Your Body

In today’s episode, we continue our discussion of A.S.K. with the second step of the system: Slow Down and Get Into Your Body. 

To deal with the Monger, you have to get out of your head and get into your body. 

Most of us live predominantly in our heads. We literally aren’t even aware that we have a body unless it starts to hurt, and then we just take a pill to make it better. Our Monger takes up a lot of space in our heads, so the more time we spend in our heads, the more we stay out of our body and the louder our Monger gets.

Last week I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the first step: Acknowledge your Feelings. If you missed it please go back and give it a listen. 

This week we are talking about the second step: Slow Down and get into your body. 

When we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. 

One key to channeling your Biggest Fan is getting into your body. When we can slow down and get into our bodies, we change our perspective. By changing our physical presence, we can see more options and the last step – Kindly pull back to see the big picture – can happen with greater ease.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How accomplishment and drive can take up the same space as slowing down and intentional living

• How to create a practical meditation practice that will actually work for you even if you’re not a “super meditator”

• What the research has to say about slowing down and the mind-body connection

• And some tips for practicing the Slow Down and getting into your body when it is the last thing you want to do

Research and resources mentioned:

• Mind–Body Research Moves Towards the Mainstream – Vicki Brower

• The Feelings List PDF

• Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head – The Monger

• Episode 111: The Voices In Your Head – The BFF

• Episode 112: The Voices In Your Head – The Biggest Fan

+ Read the Transcript

He lovingly grabbed my shoulders and said, “Honey, I think you need to take a deep breath.”

What?!? I thought to myself, resisting the urge to punch my husband in the face. Take a deep breath! That is the LAST thing I want to do.

This was a common scenario in our house, me coming downstairs to share my stress and anxiety and my husband trying his hardest to help by reminding me to take a deep breath.

He didn’t mean to anger me to the point of violence (ha!). He meant it as a kind, loving activity that he knows works in decreasing anxiety, but for me, taking a deep breath when I am that anxious is torture.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

It’s not just deep breathing.

Any attempt to reconcile the idea that I need to slow down with my desire to push push push and accomplish as much as possible has always been a challenge, and I am sure will continue to be. The idea of sitting down to meditate for any considerable length of time makes me want to jump out of my skin. But I have found a way around it, a way to get into my body and take a break from the never-ending chatter of my Monger.

In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan(the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. All this month, we will be talking about HOW to do that. We will be diving deeper into my 3 step A.S.K. system for calling in the Biggest Fan.

Last week I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the first step A. Acknowledge your Feelings. If you missed it, please go back and give it a listen. This week we are talking about the second step – the S. Step, Slow Down and get into your body.

Okay, here’s the truth. To deal with the Monger, you have to get out of your head and get into your body. Most of us live mostly in our heads. We literally aren’t even aware that we have a body unless it starts to hurt, and then we just take a pill to make it better. Our Monger takes up a lot of space in our heads. So the more time we spend in our head, the more we stay out of our Body and the louder our Monger gets.

One key to channeling your Biggest Fan is getting into your body. When we can slow down and get into our bodies, we change our perspective. By changing our physical presence, we can see more options, and the last step, K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture, happens with more ease.

When I share this step with my clients, their eyes glaze over, and I can almost hear them internally saying, Yeah, yeah, yeah, get into your body. It is a similar reaction to the idea of feeling your feelings. Helpful but the LAST thing you want to do. Thanks to more and more research being done on the mind-body connection, we have heard so many times that we need to slow down and get into our bodies that we don’t even hear it anymore. And I know that when you are in go-go-go mode, checking off the to-do list and running from activity to activity, the last thing you want to do is get into your Body. Trust me. I get it.

I fought for years the idea of getting out of my head and into my body. Whenever you hear the words “get into your body,” the next word you often hear is “meditate.” Meditation is awesome if you are able to meditate and/or have a regular meditation practice. Rock on. You can use that practice with the second step of A.S.K., S. Slow down and get into your body.

A meditation practice is amazing, and meditation is not for everyone. Honestly, I couldn’t meditate for five minutes even if you held a gun to my head! For way too many years, I beat myself up for the fact that I couldn’t meditate. My Monger convinced me that there was only one way to get into your body, and it was through meditation. So if I couldn’t meditate, I would never be able to slow down and be present. (See how wily the Monger can be?!)

Finally, I accepted that I was not going to be a super meditator (or even an average meditator), and I tried to find a way to hack it. To create a meditation practice that would work for me. No, I don’t do 30 minutes of meditation a day or even five minutes, more like 10 seconds. I realized that even if I just touched my toes or wiggled my Body for a few seconds and took some deep breaths while doing it, I was able to shift out of the headspace of the Monger.

Mindfulness Hacks are simple and quick ways to slow down and get into our bodies. They work in two ways: Action and Prevention.

Action: This is the S. part of A.S.K. When you notice your Monger chatting or one of the behaviors that indicate your Monger is running the show, practice a 10-second Mindfulness Hack. This allows you to get out of your head and into your body and to channel your Biggest Fan. One of my favorite practices for this one is to literally wiggle my body because it makes me laugh and also because it changes my perspective and reminds me to literally give myself some wiggle room. But it doesn’t have to be that dramatic. I encourage clients to choose several go-to Mindfulness Hacks such as taking three deep breaths, feeling your feet on the floor, touching your thumb to your fingers, doing a neck roll, or stretching.

Prevention: You can also use Mindfulness Hacks to cultivate more awareness of your Monger. Randomly throughout the day, do a quick movement that puts you in your Body: touch your toes, look up and notice the clouds, or take three deep breaths at a stoplight. Frequently I will set an alarm on my phone to remind me to take a break. These Mindfulness Hacks help break the endless chatter of your mind (aka your Monger) and allow you to spend some time in your body (and with your Biggest Fan). Your Monger tends to lull you into a trance of being critical and shaming. Because these Mindfulness Hacks pull you out of your mind and change your physical state, you can start to break that trance and notice your Monger chatting. The more you can break the Monger trance, the less power your Monger will have.

The other thing is it took me a very long time to reconcile that accomplishment and drive could take up the same space as slowing down and intentional living. One of the issues with High Functioning Anxiety is that slowing down is HARD. To slow down requires us to work against our anxiety and our drive and our push push push mentality. (This pull is so strong I wanted to punch my husband, who I adore!) I realized that it took some big-time TRUST on my part to actually slow down. The issue isn’t that we don’t know HOW to slow down. The issue is that we don’t WANT to slow down because we don’t trust that slowing down is a good thing.

Here is a great example: You’ve heard that slowing down is good for you, and you agree wholeheartedly. You want to slow down; you decide to attend a yoga class or do a 5-minute meditation every morning. And (here’s the part few people talk about) at first slowing down is PAINFUL. It causes us to be more aware (uh-oh!), feel more (blech!) and gives space for that nasty voice in our heads to tell us how lazy and slow we are (hello Monger!). And then, after our painful morning experience with slowing down, we meet a friend for lunch who is all about sharing everything she is accomplishing, how early she is getting up, and how she is killing it on a daily basis (all hail the to-do list!). And your BFF jumps in to say, screw this slowing down thing, let’s just keep pushing.

Slowing down is like working out. That first workout after months or years of not working out can cause us to be incredibly sore, so to the act of slowing down. Except society usually supports our idea of working out, and society DOES NOT support the idea of slowing down and especially the idea that slowing down can increase productivity (that’s crazy!!)

So yes, slowing down will initially be painful. AND then after a few days, weeks, months, it gets less painful. Those thoughts and feelings aren’t so scary, and you realize that being intentional and aware opens up your life in a way your to-do list can’t touch.

Here are my tips for Practicing the Slow Down and Get into your Body when it is the LAST thing you want to do.

Tip #1 Start Small.

A 5-minute meditation is a LONG time to be silent when you haven’t done it before. Some of us are hard-wired to go go go, so slowing down is the LAST thing we want to do. I have added slowing down to my life by practicing mini rituals throughout the day.

Start where you are:

Being in the shower when you are in the shower, notice how hard this is to do.

Take 3 Deep Breathes at the stoplight.

Pick a task and hyper-focus on it. Go through your senses as you complete the task. e.g., cutting vegetables for dinner, cleaning dishes, writing an email.

Do anything slower. Drive slower, eat slower, walk slower.

Do a full-body movement: Wiggle your Body.

Dance to your favorite song

Touch your toes

Reach for the sky

Roll your neck

Tip #2 Visualize your thoughts and feelings on a conveyor belt.

Visualize a conveyor belt running above your head with packages. Each package is a thought. Ranging from what we are going to have for dinner to I shouldn’t have spoken up at the meeting. That conveyor belt is constantly moving with thought after thought afterthought. When we are still, we can notice those thoughts moving quickly and randomly down the conveyor belt. Occasionally we will pick up a thought package off the conveyor belt and obsess over it. The thought of ‘I shouldn’t have spoken up at the meeting becomes what were you thinking! You are such an idiot! They were all staring at you like you were speaking Greek! When I notice myself obsessing over a thought, I take my hands as if I am holding a package and lift the package up on the conveyor belt that is above my head. This is a reminder to me that I have a choice, I can CHOOSE to obsess over a thought and beat myself up, or I can put that thought up on the conveyor belt and let it roll on by. Yes, most likely, the thought will come back, and you just rinse and repeat. Lifting that thought back up and saying, nope, not right now. This visual helps us to remember that we don’t have to be consumed by our thoughts. We can take them or leave them. Our thoughts and feelings are separate from us.

Tip #3 “Stay in Your Own Car.”

You have heard me talk about this analogy before, but it is one of my favorites. As we start to loosen up our go go go mentality, we start comparing ourselves to others. Yes, your friend might be accomplishing a ton in her life. Yes, your co-worker might be able to function on 5 hours of sleep. Yes, your neighbor appears to work full time, raise 3 amazing kids and keep her yard pristine. Good for them. But as your Mom told you, YOU are not your friend.

You can only take care of you. Don’t worry about how much other people are accomplishing or how driven they are. Comparing ourselves to others is 100% Monger activity. You are you. Stay. In. Your. Own Car.

Tip #4 There is No Right Way.

The point of slowing down is to create ways for you to get out of the hustle, notice your Monger chatting and be more engaged in your life. Slowing down by its very nature will make your Monger more chatty, and she will have a lot of tips for how you SHOULD be doing it. Remind yourself repeatedly that there is no right way. One day you might be great at slowing down, the next day, you might forget completely. That is ok. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It is a practice and a process.

Tip #5 Keep Practicing

When I first started intentionally slowing down, I had to keep bringing myself back over and over and over ( I still haven’t made it through a shower without getting lost in my head, but when I started, I couldn’t make it through the shampoo portion of my shower). It doesn’t matter how many times you have to remind yourself to ‘slow down’ just keep practicing.

Slowing down and getting into your body is a key step because it changes our physical perspective. We are so often in go-go-go mode, where our Monger chats unchecked. Pulling ourselves out of that mode to slow down and get into our body is challenging, which is why the Mindfulness Hacks work so well. Pick a few of your favorites and put them on sticky notes around your house, or set an alarm on your phone to remind you to practice one of them. When you do the S. Slow down and get into your body step, you can literally shut out the continual blah blah blah of the Monger as you concentrate on what is going on in your body. Which then allows the next step, K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture, to flow that much easier.

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

---

Episode 119: The 3 Steps of A.S.K.: Acknowledging Your Feelings

Much of the time when you are feeling anxiety it is tied to feelings you don’t want to feel. In today’s episode, we start our discussion of A.S.K. with the first step of the system: Acknowledge Your Feelings. 

Today, we are starting our month-long discussion of A.S.K. with the first step of the system: Acknowledge Your Feelings. 

But first, I have a confession: I dislike 3 step self-help systems. 

Not because they don’t work but because they overly simplify very nuanced and individualized processes. 

This can be challenging for people with High Functioning Anxiety. We love rules. We love a guide–a simple system that we can follow to the exact letter, making everything feel better. 

A.S.K.–my very own 3-step system for reducing your anxiety–appears to do that. It seems to offer a simple solution to our struggles with anxiety.

But, as you will hear this month, there is complexity below the surface of this seemly simple solution. 

This is why I encourage you to think of the system of A.S.K. as the bare minimum–the basic foundation, from which you can jump off to make this process your own. 

After 2 years of teaching these concepts, I wanted to revisit them and expand on what I talked about previously, adding in some fresh tips. Once you have listened to this episode, you can revisit where I have talked about these 3 steps in previous episodes (episodes 72, 73 and 74), 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• A basic overview of the 3 steps of A.S.K.

  • Acknowledge what you are feeling

  • Slow down and get into your body

  • Kindly pull back to see the big picture

• Some scenarios of the practice of acknowledging your feelings in action

• What role self-loyalty plays when acknowledging your feelings

• What it looks like when people with High Functioning Anxiety avoid feeling their feelings (are you a brooder of bottler?)

• How owning your feelings after years of avoidance and pushing them down takes time

Research and resources mentioned:

• Emotional Agility by Dr. Susan David

• My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey by Jill Bolte Taylor

• Putting Feelings Into Words

• Additional studies

• The Feelings List PDF

+ Read the Transcript

"Feel your feelings. What does that even mean?!"

That was the feedback I got from the guy who groaned as I explained the first step of my system for reducing stress and anxiety during a recent talk I gave.

Feel your feelings. Yeah, I'll admit it: that's a hard one to parse.

For the record, the first step of the process is actually to acknowledge your feelings, but even that is a tough one.

I'm just as tired of being told to "feel my feelings" as the groan guy. Honestly, there was a time when all I wanted was to be able to get through life without my feelings.

Feelings gum up the works. They get in the way. Feelings take nice, solid objective things and turn them into squishy, mushy things--am I right?

And that's exactly why I got into therapy in the first place.

"You're listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith."

I joke that the reason I decided to become a therapist was so I could figure out my feelings and be able to justify them away, and then I would never have to deal with them at all. That strategy did not work for me, which is why I am here today talking about feelings.

But it isn't about 'feeling your feelings' because the groaning guy was right. What does that even mean?!? It is a phrase that has been beaten to death and over-used with no meaning. So in this episode, I am going to share what I would say to all those people who would audibly groan if I said, it all starts with Acknowledging your Feelings.

In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the B.F.F. (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our B.F.F. judging other people or sabotaging us. The goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. All this month, we will be talking about HOW to do that. We will be diving deeper into my 3 step A.S.K. system for calling in the Biggest Fan.

I talked about these three steps in previous episodes, episode 72, 73, and 74, But now, after teaching these concepts for 2 years, I wanted to expand on what I talked about previously and add in some new tips.

First, I have a confession, I dislike 3 step systems. Not because they don't work but because they simplify a very nuanced, individualized process. The challenge is people with High Functioning Anxiety love rules and a guide they can follow exactly to the letter and feel better.

And A.S.K.--my very own 3-step system for reducing your anxiety--appears to do that when in fact, it requires a bit more complexity than it appears on the surface. In fact, for years, I avoided making a system for this very reason, I didn't want to simplify a complex process. So think of A.S.K. as the bare minimum, the basic foundation from which you can jump off of to make this process your own.

Let me define what A.S.K. means.

The A.S.K. system is 1) acknowledge what you're feeling, 2) slow down and get into your body, and 3) kindly pull back to see the big picture.

Let's look at A.S.K. a little deeper.

Acknowledge what you are feeling: When your Monger tries to shame and belittle you, your Biggest Fan acknowledges what you are feeling (e.g., you must be tired, scared, angry, sad, etc.).

Slow down and get into your body: When your Monger tries to speed you up and make everything more intense, your Biggest Fan tries to slow everything down, encouraging you to take a break, pause, breathe, etc.

Kindly pull back to see the big picture: When your Monger just sees doom and gloom and engages in black-and-white thinking, your Biggest Fan sees lots of color. She encourages you to think of different solutions, brainstorm, and see the other colors. Most importantly, your Biggest Fan is kind. We tend to be harsh on ourselves when we are looking for new solutions, so this takes some practice.

Today we are going to spend some time on the first step: Acknowledge your Feelings. Over the next few weeks, we will dive deeper into the other steps.

So, Acknowledge what you are feeling. You might be asking, okay, Nancy, but what do feelings have to do with anxiety? The truth is feelings have A LOT to do with anxiety. In fact, much of the time, when you are feeling anxiety, it is tied to feelings that you are not 'allowing yourself to feel.'

I cannot talk about feelings without pulling back and looking at the bigger issue, which is loyalty to self. Self-loyalty is something I talk A lOT about because people with H.F.A. have a high sense of loyalty to their friends and family, anyone on their inner circle they feel extremely loyal to, they will go to the ends of the earth for their people. Yet when it comes to themselves, they often push aside whatever they are experiencing; people with H.F.A. can push through and ignore discomfort and pain like nobody's business. In fact, being able to push through and soldier on is a point of pride for those of us with H.F.A. it also is a huge reason we struggle with anxiety. This pushing without acknowledging our experience leaves us living a life that is based on surviving the day rather than thriving in the day. A key to this work is building loyalty with ourselves, and that starts with being curious about our experience and acknowledging it.

Here are two different scenarios:

Scenario One:

You wake up in the morning, and you remember a business call with a difficult client you have later that day. You are immediately filled with dread, and your Monger is talking a mile a minute. You tell yourself, "change your thoughts, think positive; it will be fine." And every time the feeling of dread comes up, you tell yourself to change your thoughts and think positive. So all day long, you are pushing the feeling under the surface, ignoring the dread and pretending it isn't here. By the time the phone call comes around, you might be feeling pretty good. In fact, you write at the top of your paper, "You got this! No one can get you down!!" The phone call comes and goes. Although the client was still belittling, and you barely got through it without bursting into tears, you got through it! You did burst into tears afterward and spent the rest of the day bitching about the client and how he is so mean. Your Monger continues to hammer you for feeling weak, and by the end of the night, all you want to do is numb out with a glass of wine, some Oreos, and Netflix.

Things to notice in scenario one: You ignore whatever is coming up for you, there is no self-loyalty, no acknowledging of feelings there is just soldier on, think positive, and get through it. There is a sense that the client knows better, and you are destined to feel like crap anytime you work with this client. In scenario one, you are surviving life. You are moving through life, trying not to get snagged by uncomfortable feelings and white-knuckling it through unpleasant situations. You aren't trying to find a resolution, and you aren't diving any deeper than necessary. This is where many of my clients with H.F.A. live.

Scenario Two:

You wake up in the morning, and you remember a business call later that day. You are immediately filled with dread, and your Monger is talking a mile a minute. Hmm, what's that about, you wonder? And you ask yourself to just label what you are feeling. You are feeling insecure and nervous. You remember that the last time you had this call with this client, it didn't go well, and he was particularly harsh with you. When you arrive at work, you start brainstorming how you can help it go better. You know you are 100% prepared for the meeting, so it isn't your lack of prep it is the client's tone and communication style. You put a post-it note on your computer that says, "He will be harsh. It is not about you," to hopefully remind yourself that it isn't about you. He is just harsh. When you hang up the phone, you don't burst into tears (which is a step up from last time), but you still feel like something was missing. The client was particularly belittling, and the post-it note helped but not enough. On your way home, you kindly re-hash the conversation (meaning you aren't beating yourself up for what went wrong or that you felt uncomfortable, rather you are curious to note when you felt discomfort and what could be done differently next time). You remember it went off the rails when he asked for more details. He is such a detail person, and you just don't think like that. So you decide to ask a co-worker to help you drill down on the details. Maybe that will help for next time? You will be more have better answers, AND the sticky note will remind you it isn't about you.

Things to notice in scenario two: you are being loyal to yourself. First, curiosity is the theme; what am I feeling? What do I do with that? How can I make changes to acknowledge those feelings and do it differently? There is also a sense of fluidity, it isn't about surviving the call, it is about bringing curiosity to the call, being vulnerable, asking for help, and leaning into the discomfort so it can go better. You are more present to the whole situation, you are present to your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and you are present to your client's thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are engaged in your life. You recognize there is no perfect way. This process is trial and error and can get messy. But your overall goal for your life is to be as present and engaged as possible.

Here's the thing. Scenario two is the practice of Acknowledging your feelings. It is simply acknowledging they are there and then asking, okay, is there an action I can take to ease this feeling. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes you are dealing with things that are out of your control, grief, sadness, change, etc. And in those situations, you are just going to acknowledge the feeling and sit with it in your body. You might ask yourself, what do I need now? Maybe it is to take a walk, or journal or maybe it is to numb. I say this because we have this mystic around acknowledging our feelings that when we do, we will be in this pit of despair, never to come out again.

When it comes to acknowledging our feelings, Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, writes in her book Emotional Agility that there tend to be two types of people: Brooders and Bottlers.

Brooders: They can't let it go. They are flooded by feelings. They tend to keep score of their hurts. Their intention is good. They want to feel happy, so they try to move beyond their negative feelings by thinking through their feelings and experiencing them fully over and over.

Bottlers: Hold it all in, but it usually comes out in other places through misdirected feelings, physical ailments, or numbing. Their intention is good. They want to feel happy, so they try to move beyond their negative feelings by ignoring them and pushing them down.

In my experience, individuals who are overwhelmed by their Monger and struggle with High Functioning Anxiety tend to fall on the Bottlers side of the continuum. They hold it in because they don't want to experience a lot of their negative feelings. They tell themselves the grief is too intense, the regret is too much, and the anger is too strong.

Feelings are messy. They bring up stuff. Stuff we don't want to experience. Here are the patterns that most Bottlers get stuck in.

Stuff it down: We tell ourselves it isn't appropriate to feel that way, so we ignore it, usually followed by some type of Numbing, Soldiering On, or Having a 10 Reaction to a 2 Situation as discussed in the previous chapter.

Analyze it: One of the ways our Monger tricks us into thinking we are "feeling the feeling" is to analyze it. We think we are helping because we are trying to understand ourselves. But when we immediately jump to the why without allowing the feeling, we get stuck in justifying, proving, and defending the feeling, which leads nowhere. Yes, the why is important eventually, but first, we need to acknowledge the feeling and label it without defending it.

Judge it: Based on the why above, we move on to judging if it is okay that we are having the feeling; usually we decide it is not okay, so we circle back up to stuffing it.

Something that REALLY helped me with the feelings piece of the work is the research of Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist and author of the New York Times best-selling memoir My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey. She found that our feelings only last 90 seconds. She explains our emotional response like this:

"Once triggered, the chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run."

Feelings are happening all the time. We see someone walking down the street towards us and we feel a certain way. Maybe we feel joyful or fearful. But the feeling only lasts a minute and then poof it is gone. The problem comes in when we judge our feelings, analyze them, and shove them back down because we decide they aren't worthy. When that judgment happens, we end up being punished for our feelings. Not only are we feeling something unpleasant but we're judging ourselves for the unpleasantness and forcing ourselves to feel it for longer than necessary! The messy process is compounded.

If you are a Bottler, this is helpful because you probably choose not to give yourself 90 seconds to feel the feeling. How often do you stop yourself from feeling something? You feel anger, and within 30 seconds, you say to yourself, "You shouldn't feel anger. Be grateful or be positive." So you stop the 90-second process. Later, your husband corrects you in front of a friend, and you go off on him because you are so angry. Holding on to the feeling way too long because we never let it do its thing in our body cuts the feeling at its knees, which leaves us full of anxiety and stress.

For those who are Brooders, this is helpful to know because it reminds you that if you are experiencing anger about a certain event for longer than 90 seconds, it is probably because you choose to keep replaying the event in your brain and triggering the 90-second cycle every time.

Researchers at UCLA found that people have the belief that if they name the feeling they will feel worse. But in additional studies, they found that when we use one or two words to own the feeling, we have less of a biological response. The key is in the labeling.

Many of my clients who are Bottlers live in fear of becoming a Brooder. They think that if they own one of their feelings, that makes them super needy and a wallower. Here's the reality for all you Bottlers out there: the danger of you becoming a Brooder because you start labeling your feelings is highly unlikely. We are less likely to get stuck in the feeling when we label it. We get stuck in the feeling when we start obsessing about the why and justifying if it is okay to have the feeling. That justification often leads to drama and Having a Level 10 Reaction to a Level 2 Situation. When we label the feelings, we allow ourselves the 90 seconds and it is over. That is it. Nothing mysterious or crazy.

Acknowledging your feelings is a process. Owning that you are feeling something after years of pushing it down and avoiding it takes time. So make sure to give yourself a break as you work through this step.

When we have spent our whole lives avoiding our feelings, being able to identify them and label them is like learning a foreign language. In the show notes, I will link to the Feelings Chart that lists feelings and their intensities. Use this as a way to get in touch with what you are feeling.

Whenever I notice my Monger is loud or that low buzz of anxiety is hanging around, I will grab for the feelings sheet and I will name 8-10 feelings. I encourage you to jump around the sheet when you first start labeling your feelings, everything feels like it is a high intensity because you are so uncomfortable with feelings in general, so we only allow for a feeling when it is high intensity. For example, for those of us uncomfortable with anger, we might just be annoyed or upset about something (relatively low intensity) but we have to pump ourselves up and amplify the problem until we are seething because then we can justify the feeling better. There is a big difference between feeling seething and feeling annoyed. Recognizing the intensities and knowing that not all feelings are high intensity is helpful in making us more comfortable with feelings overall.

Just notice your tendency to do hang out in the high intensity emotions and challenge yourself to name as many feelings as possible. By the time you name 8-10 you can really see how the feelings are coming out. For example, with regards to the client call in the scenario earlier you might feel panicky, worthless, embarrassed, unworthy, worried, unsure, intimidated, disappointed, uneasy, insecure. Those feelings included sad, angry, afraid and ashamed, you could even through in relieved and thankful when the call is over.

Acknowledging your feelings is the first step in channeling your Biggest Fan—and one of the hardest. Give yourself lots of time and room with this step. Your Monger is not comfortable with feelings and will give you a lot of pushback. That is okay and to be expected.

As you hear your Monger chatting, practice A.S.K. Acknowledge that this process is uncomfortable.

Own that it is stretching you.

Label that it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Our Monger loves to distract us from the truth in our life. The more you can acknowledge what is really going on, the better you will feel.

---

If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

---

Episode 118: The Joy of Missing Out With Tonya Dalton

In this episode, I chat with Tonya Dalton a productivity expert about her ideas for reducing stress and anxiety when it comes to our to-do list.

I have often fallen for the trap of thinking that a new system–a new calendar, a new journal, a new app–was all that I needed to keep me organized and bring order to the chaos. 

But all around me are piles of half-filled calendars, abandoned bullet journals, and long lost apps–the evidence of well-meaning systems that I started only to later abandon.

I know that it isn’t a flaw in the systems that’s the problem. It’s my own lack of commitment to these systems that is the problem. I know this truth, and yet I still struggle to live in that place. It is so much easier to just blame the freaking system.

In January we are inundated with the new year, new you message. It is a time when starting a new system for change is particularly alluring. And all this month we have been taking a different look at how change works. 

We’ve covered: setting New Year’s resolutions without succumbing to the hype, working through our challenges so that we can live a life that is true to our values, what Mr. Rogers can teach us about slowing down and being present, and how the concept of Spiraling Up can be applied to a life long of growth and change. 

I thought it would be nice to end the month on a conversation with Tonya.

Tonya Dalton is a productivity expert, author, speaker, and founder of inkWELL Press Productivity Co, a company centered around productivity tools and training. 

So, of course, when I started reading her book, The Joy of Missing Out, I was hopeful that Tonya could fix me with a shiny new system for finding joy in doing less. I soon realized that wasn't the case. 

Instead, Tonya gets it. She understands the struggle. She isn’t about some “all you have to do is follow my system and you will be cured” way of thinking. 

As you know, like most of my clients, my BS meter is pretty, and when I was reading Tonya’s book, it was like Tonya was reading my mind. Every objection I had, she had a way to make it approachable and doable. 

Listen in to see which ones I've added to my life, and at the end of the interview, I'll share how it's still going. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• What Tonya has to say about our love with the to-do list and how to think about it differently.

• Why Tonya is so passionate about productivity.

• What she sometimes calls ‘million-dollar minutes’ and how it will help you think about your time differently.

• And how to work with resistance and the process of change

Research and resources mentioned:

• inkWELL Press

• The Joy of Missing Out

• Productivity Paradox Podcast

+ Read the Transcript

Tonya: Life happens and things shift and things change. And so you have to allow for that ebb and flow of life. And I know that can be a challenge if you are dealing with a lot of anxiety and you want to do the same thing every single day.

Nancy: So often when a client gets overwhelmed, they say to me, I think I just need a new system, a new calendar, a new app, something that will keep me more organized.

Oh my gosh, can I relate to that idea! I have lost many afternoons. Looking for a new system. I have piles of half-filled calendars and long lost applications. It isn't about the system. It is about your commitment to doing the system. I know that truth, and yet I struggle to live in that place. It's so much easier to blame the freaking system, which is why I was so intrigued to chat with Tonya Dalton about her book, the joy of missing out.

You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

All this month, we have been taking a different look at how change works. January is a time when we're inundated with new year, new you a fresh start, change everything about you, and then you'll be happy messages.

I thought it would be nice to end the month with a conversation with Tonya Dalton. Tonya is a productivity expert and she runs the business inkwell press. So of course, when I started reading her book, The Joy of Missing Out, I was hopeful that Tonya could fix me with a shiny new system for finding joy in doing.

But I soon realized that wasn't the case. Instead, Tonya gets it. She understands the struggle. This isn't some, all you have to do is follow my system and you'll be cured. As my BS meter is pretty high as is most of my clients. And it was like, Tonya was reading my mind. Every objection I had, she had a way to make it approachable and doable.

I have implemented some of Tonya's tips and I am still doing them almost three weeks later, which is freaking huge for me. Listen in to see which ones I've added to my life. And at the end of the interview, I'll share how it's still going. Tonya. And I talk about our love with the to-do list and how to think about it differently, why she is so passionate about productivity, something she calls million-dollar minutes and how it will help you think about your time differently and the process of change and working with resistance.

I absolutely love this interview with Tonya, and I know you will too. I'm excited to talk to Tonya from inkwell press. Who's written this amazing book called The Joy of Missing Out, which all of us could could embrace a little bit, some joy of missing out.

I know how you, you said you wrote this book because it's been in you for years and you were willing to get up at four 30 in the morning to write it.

Tell me, why did you write this book?

Tonya: I really wrote it. I feel like it's almost like my love letter to women to say it's okay, where you are. You have absolute permission to be who you are and to live the life you want, but stop acting like you don't have the choices. You actually have the ability to choose the life you want. And here's a roadmap in order to really make that happen. Because I think so often we hear this whole rah, rah, you can do it, you can do everything, you can do all this. And it's hold on a minute. First of all, we don't want to do everything. We're going to wear ourselves out.

But then if there are things that we really want to do, how do we actually make that work? Because we still have to pay the bills. We still have to mow the grass. We still have to do the laundry. How do we actually. Create that life for ourselves. It sounds fabulous. But I felt like I read a lot of books that were like, oh, we need to stop being busy and we need to, and that's obviously one of the things I truly believe in, and we lean into that message in the book, but how in the world do you make that happen?

And that's what I wanted to write for women is how do you actually make that life achievable for you?

Nancy: Yeah, that's what I loved about the book is that I agree there are so many books out there telling us what we need to be doing and my question is constantly, but how, and so you really walk through the, but how of it, and I have implemented some of your tips and it really has made a big difference.

Tonya: I love hearing that, that makes me happy.

Nancy: And so it is just an I had a client recently say to me something like I'm finally going to stop resisting all the stuff you're suggesting for me and actually do it. And I think that's what I'm finding for me is like the daily downloads that you talk about, that's something I've started implementing and I love that concept.

But at some point you have to sit down and be willing to do the daily download. Like it's not just magically going to happen

Tonya: I think that is the thing, , we dream of this life and we're like, oh, I want this. But it takes effort to make it happen. We talk about those three resources that we all have of time, energy, and focus.

So to really affect a change in our lives. We have to apply time, energy, and focus to make that happen. So I love that you're doing the daily download because I think that is truly one of the best ways to end your day and to set up tomorrow for success. It really does build momentum. But that whole idea of, people get caught up in this thought of oh, one more thing to do.

And it doesn't need to be one more thing to do. If it feels like one more thing to do, then don't do it right. Do things that are fulfilling. We want to do things that build that momentum that make us feel good. I think we under value that feeling of satisfaction. When we slip into bed at night, when we our head hits the pillow and we think, you know what, today was a good day, right?

So less things in our day that drive us to that end point. Let's do things that allow oh us to end our days feeling satisfied, because that is something that far too many women don't get in their days. So what the daily download, it really is this idea of celebrating your wins. Really reflecting where you're spending your time, how you're feeling throughout your day, how you're spending your gratitude.

And I walk all through this, through in the book, one of the things that we talk about in the book also is this idea of habits and really establishing these types of routines that happen on a regular basis. One of the first things we talk about with habits is you need to articulate the habit.

What is the habit you want to create? And why do you want to do it? I think so often we set up these routines for ourselves, or we set up these habits or we set up these rituals that we think we are supposed to do that we should do. Oh, I should be journaling. This person tells me I should be journaling.

This person tells me I should be doing this. I should be working out in the morning. We are shoulding all over ourselves.

Here's the thing, figuring out your why do you want to do this? So with the daily download the why there is that it really does allow you to end your day feeling successful. And it sets up tomorrow for success. So if that why is enough that it makes you feel good, you're going to want to do it again.

And really it's such an integral part of my routine because I do it, but I do mine before I leave my office and then I leave it out. So I can use that as my springboard for planning the next day. So when I sit down in the morning and I'm planning out, where am I spending my time today? I'm looking at that.

So first of all, celebrate the wins from yesterday. So that starts my day. Let's say you wake up in the morning and you stub your toe the water in the shower's not hot, you're starting your day, not feeling great. You get in and you're ready to start your planning.

And you're like, oh, you know what? This is a chance for me to reset yesterday was a good day. I'm starting today with some wins. Really it is this idea. Let's do things that feel good. Let's do things that drive us to that life. We really want not the life we think we're supposed to want, not the life that our mother wants for us or a mother-in-law or a boss or whoever else.

What's the life that you are wanting. And what are the things that will make you get closer to that life on a daily basis? We think it's these giant leaps we have to make. It's a small, incremental step. That's what gets us to that ideal life.

Nancy: Yeah. Because that's what I like about the daily download there's a lot of things I like about it.

And, but what I really like about it is I tend to, and I know a lot of my clients tend move so quickly through what we've done. And so we're just constantly on to the next thing. And so I like that the daily download forces me to sit down and be like, these are the things you did today.

Because a lot of times I'll be like, oh, I didn't, I hit two out of the three things. So I'm a loser because I didn't hit all three. And the daily download, I was like, oh, but this is all the stuff you did instead of hitting that third thing that we're winning. And so having that reflection has been really helpful.

Tonya: I love hearing that for you because I think it's so true. So quick to think about the things that we didn't do well, and we forget altogether all the things that we did that were good in the day. And so just taking one minute to stop and really think about what did I do for me. And I talk about this a little bit in the book, When people would say to you oh, what did you do today?

And then you're like, I have no idea what I do. Nothing makes you feel more like a failure then. I don't know what, I don't think I did anything today. So taking a minute to celebrate those accomplishments. To actually pat yourself on the back and say, all right, good work today because you did this, and that, and it doesn't have to be giant things.

It can be little things. It can be, not forgetting to call your mom today to check in on her or, making the kids a healthy lunch today. All of those things are things we're celebrating. They're all things that you're doing, but we tend to just slip them to the side because, ah, this is just what I'm supposed to do, or this is just how life works and let's stop and let's actively celebrate and reflect on it.

Nancy: .Yeah, totally. Yes, because even like yesterday I ran to the grocery store which is something I hate doing and I hate it because it pulls me away from work and it feels like a waste of time. But then in doing the daily download, I was like, Food. Yeah. Yeah. And I found it a good time and to do it, that fit in my schedule.

So it wasn't a waste, also, the other part, and obviously I love the daily downloads because we've spent so much time on them. But the other part is because a lot of what I talk about with my clients is being kind to themselves. And that's what I liked when you have the idea of then reflecting on the day, what worked, what didn't work.

And the idea that you start each day planning each day. I have never heard that before, too, which made so much sense to me. The idea of. What how does this day feel and everything I've heard is go for the whole week.

Tonya: Yeah. Yeah. A lot of the messages we get are about the hustle or they like hustle.

Yeah. Ask anybody how they're doing. They usually answer what the word busy. Which is not an emotion. It's really just, a badge of honors showing them. That they think that they must be doing something if they're busy. And so I really think that's one of the things that's important to eliminate and do away with.

Is this feeling that we are supposed to be busy. Going to the grocery store, like you said, that is a win because you need to eat. But we undervalue. Even though the essential need right there. That's a basic, that's like the bottom of Maslow's pyramid that we absolutely need to be able to eat.

Nancy: Exactly. Yes. Yeah. That's a good point. Okay. So I want to back up a little bit, because I jumped right in to the middle of the book. But I want to, I want my listeners to hear your definition of overwhelmed, because I just loved that.

Tonya: Yeah. Because I do feel like this was the thing is, in talking with women in all different walks of life and all different areas, doing all different kinds of jobs.

I would say to them, how are you feeling about your job or how are you feeling about work or how are you feeling about your business or how you feeling about your home life? And they would answer, oh my God, I'm so overwhelmed. And I think that's true.

We live in this constant state of overwhelm. We're overwhelmed by everything we have to do or overwhelmed by our own to-do lists. We're overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that we feel obligated to take on. And I like to tell people overwhelm isn't having too much to do. It's not knowing where to start.

And I think when you know where to start, you feel so much more competent oh, okay, this is where I'm going to start. And when you create a day and you add a little bit of structure to it, it allows you to know where you're going to start and where you're going to go next.

And there's a lot of empowerment in that idea of knowing where you're going to start knowing what you're going to do next, because there's so many things floating around in our head. In our crazy long to do lists, and we don't know where to start.

So we start with what's easiest or what's going to give us the quickest check mark on our to-do list. And so if we stop and we really figure out, okay, where do I start? What's going to drive me forward in a way that makes me feel successful. If we start there, the overwhelmed just slips away and we stop feeling like we're harried and anxious and worried about what we should be doing.

And instead we're taking action

Nancy: Yeah, I loved your example of the returning the shirt to target and how we would mark that as an urgent task, I think is what we I forgot.

Tonya: Yeah, exactly. Mark it as an escalated task because we think urgent and it's important while it is urgent, it does need to happen.

It's not necessarily important. And I think that's one of the big things that people lose sight of. We think anything and everything that is urgent is also important. And it's not the things that you think are really important aren’t. Things that are truly important are things that are connected to your north star, your mission, your vision, your core values, the things that you want to do to get to that life you want.

They're linked to your goals. They are things that are essential. They have to be done by you. And they're advantageous. They're really going to benefit you. They're an investment in your future. And when you think about something like returning a shirt to Target that doesn't really fit any of those bills.

It doesn't play any of that. And I know people will say yeah, but I'm on a budget. I get that. But you're going to spend, $5 with a gas to go return a 7 99 shirt, which then you're going to spend an hour at target and another hundred thousand. Because we all do it. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. This is the thing is I'm not saying you're not ever going to return the shirt to Target. I'm just saying let's not revolve our day around returning the shirt to Target. Let's do that at the end of our day. Let's first do the tasks that are truly important because that's when we slip into bed with that feeling of satisfaction, when we're doing fewer tasks.

That are important rather than doing many tasks that are unimportant. We get caught up in the numbers we get in that numbers game of how many things did I do instead of what did I do to really drive me toward that life I want. There's a big difference in that.

Nancy: Yes. Yeah. I totally agree. Because when I first read that about the Target shirt, I was like, oh, that's a little, privileged.

Like I'm not going to return the shirt, but then you said like how much money are you spending to get there? And for a 7 99 shirt, which is true and there are a lot of other uses for that shirt and you would go to Target and spend more money.

Tonya: And truly one of the things I think about too is, in the book, we talk about that.

The woman that I spoke to, who's a CEO who says it's not my worth my time. I would just donate it. And like you said, you can look at that as privileged, or you can look at that as, putting forth some good into the world, because what I like to do with things like that is I like to think to myself about the woman who is working all day long, who's working really hard in her life and wants to provide for her family.

Who's going through that thrift store that I've donated to and who happens to find a brand new shirt from Target with the tag on it, that's affordable and in her price range. And I had just given that woman a big win for her day. Yes. For some good into the world, instead of thinking that makes me privileged.

Instead, I think I love that I'm able to do something to brighten someone else's day. I'll never see that woman. I won't get that brief high of her seeing the shirt and seeing her face light up. But I know it's there and that is what helps give me a little satisfaction in my day is I want to do things that impact the world in a positive way.

I want to do things that make a difference and little things like that add up. They make a difference.

Nancy: Absolutely. And when we are head down, checking off the to-do list. We're not doing that.. So let's talk about the to-do list because my clients are huge fans of that. You are not a big fan of the to-do list.

Tonya: . So when I tell people that you need to toss your to do list, it's like an audible gas. It's and I talk about this in the book. It's like the security blanket, right? It's like when Linus’, blanket is in the dryer and he doesn't know what to do.

But here's the thing your, to do list is taking you everywhere, but where you want to go, because it is too long. I can guarantee you right now. If your listeners pull out their to do list, they're going to see there's probably, 48 hours worth of tasks that they think they're going to get done.

And then. Yes, way too long. It's jumbled and unorganized and it's really chaotic. And as we talked about a few minutes ago, overwhelmed, isn't having too much to do. It's not knowing where to start a long to do list. Just confuses you more. So I like to tell people that instead of a, to do list, make a priority list.

Which is essentially a to-do list with intention. It takes the exact same amount of time to create as a to-do list, which you're very intentionally choosing what tasks I'm going to start my day with and what I'm going to end my day with. And so this is the thing it's that whole idea of, you could tackle 50 things if you wanted to, if you were standing in a spot and you took 50 steps, In 50 different directions where you're gonna end up maybe in the same spot, maybe further behind.

But if instead you choose to take five steps, five steps forward in that same direction, where are you going to end up closer to where you want to go? And that's what a priority list does is it shows you what are the first steps you want to take? What's the second step you want to say, what's that third step.

And it gets you closer to where you want to go. So essentially you're taking your to-do list and you're dividing it into three categories or three priority sections of escalate, cultivate and accommodate. And we start our day with escalate, which, we touched on a minute ago, which is those tasks that are important.

So they're driving you towards your goals. They're getting you closer to that ideal life. They're advantageous. They're an investment in you, but they also are urgent. So they're important, but they also have a looming deadline. They're screaming out at you wanting to be taken. So we start our day, taking care of those things.

And then the next part, the next section is our cultivate. So we take care of our escalate tasks. Then we take care of our cultivating tasks. And these are tasks that are also important, just like escalate. So they're driving you towards your goals. They're moving you forward towards that life. You want their advantageous.

But they're not urgent, so they don't have, a deadline. They're not going to be something that's screaming out at you, but this is the area where you're going to see huge leaps and bounds in your personal growth and your professional growth, because they are truly an area where you are cultivating, you are investing in yourself for the future.

So it might be things like, working on your budget for your health. It could be working on your marketing plan. If you own your own business, it could be, working on a project that's not due for three more weeks because that will elevate and you can be creative and all those things.

That's really where we want to spend the majority of our time with things that are important, but are not like screaming deadlines. So we want to spend more of our day there, but because of our to-do list, we take care of the urgent things first and those get pushed aside. So cultivate is that second category.

And then the third category. Is our accommodate. And these are things like returning that shirt to Target. So it is urgent needs to be done. It's not really important. It's not driving you closer to that life. You want. It's just something that is screaming out at you. It's basically 99% of what's in your email inbox right now.

They moment maybe dictate by email and things like that when really most of what's in there is junk or it's, not truly things that are important. So if we start our day at the top with escalates, and then we work on our cultivate tasks, and then we end our day with accommodate tasks or we kind of shoe horn, those accommodate tasks, wherever they can be accommodated in our day.

That means that we're doing most of the most of our day. We're spending our time on important things on things that drive us forward that give that feeling of happiness and satisfaction.

Nancy: That is something I really took away beause I know for me, I spend so much more time, not on those cultivate tasks.

Tonya: I think that's true

Nancy: Yeah. I'm checking off the urgent things, because those give me that hit a dopamine. The immediate, as you talk about that immediate sense of gratification and the cultivate tasks, don't.

Tonya: Cultivate tasks take a little bit longer because they are an investment and we don't get that immediate.

Ah, I felt good, but if set for yourself, let's say you have a project due in three weeks and for your cultivate, area for the, today, you spend 15 minutes working on that project and you say to yourself, I'm going to spend 15 minutes every day, this week doing that.

You're going to get that feeling of satisfaction. When, when you see that work, getting closer to being done and you're able to really truly do your very best work. I think this is a thing we do really get caught up in the numbers. We get caught up in the quantity when really it's quality that wins hands down.

Every single time we want a quality life. We want to create quality that we're putting forth into the world. Whether that's something for our job or time with our families, it really is quality that we should be focusing on.

Nancy: Yeah. And when I've gone and done the daily download. It's the cultivate tasks that I feel the best about.

And I wouldn't have recognized that had I not started the daily downloads, to be honest, because I always am after hunting the hit.

Tonya: We are we're searching for that dopamine hit because it feels good to cross things off your list. This is why people write down things after they've done it just to cross it off the list.

And let's be honest here. I think most people have done that at some point in their lives because it just feels so dang good to just cross that off and be like, yep. When really that means we're using our to-do list as a mood enhancer. We're not using it as a tool to drive us forward.

Nancy: Ah, yes, that's very well said. So that brings me to the idea of stories, because I think that is a big reason we don't do the cultivate tasks. Because the stories we tell ourselves. And they're so prolific. I mean this is a big bulk of my work with clients is on unhooking these stories, but the hardest part of them is catching.

The story. Because they're so familiar, they're so comfortable. We like, I call them like this warm, itchy sweater that we wear and we put it on and it's amazing. And then it starts to get itchy, but by the time it's itchy, we are well into the story So how do you catch the story?

Tonya: I love this question because we all have these stories that we tell ourselves about what what a good boss does or what a good manager does or what a good mom does or what a good friend does. And these stories dictate how we live our life.

And these stories are most often steeped in other people's values and other people's truths and not really realistic for yourself. They're so hard to live up to that. This is part of why we feel like a failure at the end of the day. Even though we were busy all day long. We feel like we didn't do enough because of these stories that we tell ourselves.

So I think one of the things that we can do to really catch those is as we're finding ourselves negative self-talking, which we do, we, oh, you're the worst. I can't believe you did X, Y, and Z, or you did this. What's wrong with you, right? We say these things in our heads. So ugly. We would never say them to our friends.

We would never say them to someone we didn't even like, but we think nothing hang them to ourselves. And so when you catch yourself negative self-talking and you will, because you'll recognize it. You'll be like, I want you to stop and ask yourself, why do I feel like I'm not doing well? Why do I feel what's making me say these things in my head?

And try to uncover and work backwards to what is the story that I am telling myself, if it's, that you didn't know. I don't know. Didn't get the ingredients for dinner that night. Is it that a good mom always has dinner on the table at 6:30 PM because that's not really realistic with the world that we live in, for your job. It's not realistic for the activities that you're doing with your family. It's not realistic for a thousand different things. So we need to go backwards and begin to realize whenever we're feeling this self-talk happening, this negative self-talk stop and ask yourself why. And it's not enough to ask yourself why one time you need to ask yourself why?

I like to say the fifth, why? That's really like a term that we use in operations getting to that fifth. Why you're not going to uncover the story with the first. Why do you feel this way? I'm a bad mom. Why? I'm a bad mom, because I didn't get, dinners the ingredients for them.

Why does that make you a bad mom? It makes me bad and you start working backwards and about during the fourth or fifth, why you're going to get to that story. So you have to peel back those layers of the onion. Ask yourself why again, just harness that inner three-year-old.

Who's always asking why. One more line one more way. And here's the beauty of it is once you can uncover the stories, they lose their power because we are the authors of our own journey. We are the ones who can rewrite our endings and we can rewrite our stories. And that's why it's so powerful and so important to stop and ask yourself why and ask why again and ask why again and let those stories come to life.

So you can realize this is not truly livable. I need to rewrite this story and I need to say something different to myself and then actively choose what you're going to say. Instead, a good mom does her best to get dinner on the table. A good mom tries to get dinner on the table, three times out of the week, that's more livable or more achievable.

Think about what's really gonna work for you and rewrite your stories because you absolutely positively have that ability and you have that strength inside of you. It's all about reframing how you look at it. It's all about shifting your mindset and you have a hundred percent ownership over your mindset and the stories that you tell yourself

Nancy: That fifth why is really a great that's just great.

Over the holiday, I was thinking about the new year and I wasn't real excited about. Resolutions and blah, blah, blah.. I wasn't doing the fifth. Why? Because I didn't know that existed, but I was just kept thinking about what's the story I tell myself around work.

What's the story? And I finally realized it's, I assume I'm always wrong. I'm always going to do it wrong. And so whether that's sending an email or doing this interview, or talking with a client I'm always assuming I'm going to do it wrong. And I was shocked that once I unhooked, once I got it, which took me a long time to get to the root, that was the story.

Once I got to the root. It has, that has shifted. Yeah. And I would not have believed it, that it would shift that quickly.

Tonya: It’s pretty amazing because it's so easy to combat because you can start looking backwards, reflecting and really start to see evidence that proves you wrong.

But you don't do, you don't do anything. Because then you're like this. I did that. I did this. And you actively argue back with yourself essentially and say, I'm not going to listen to this anymore because I know I've done these things. And then again, that ties in that whole idea of the daily download.

Nancy: I was just going to say that!

Tonya: That every day you say what your doing well, what you're doing. And I think there's so much value.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. One of the phrases I'll always say is, you're not eight years old because for me, I, because that assumption that I'm always wrong.

I always act like I'm eight years old. Like I entered the world like a little kid and everyone knows better than me but I had to get to the specifics of assuming I'm always wrong to really unhook it like that specifically. Because of the fifth why. It is the key.

Tonya: Yes, I absolutely agree. Bring it to light.

I think this is the thing is those things like the hide in the shadows and you bring them to light and they just shrink up as soon as you acknowledge them, as soon as you take away their power. They, they can't do anything to you anymore. And I think that's really important to remember, if you are dealing with anxiety, where does that come from and what's making you feel this way and really allowing those things to to lose their control over.

Nancy: Yeah. Okay. So I loved your idea of the routines. And when you were talking about getting up in the morning at 4:30 to write your book,

Tonya: crazy, right?

Nancy: Yes Because I was reading it and I was like, oh geez. Yeah, you get up and you have the meditation in bed and right when I'm like, oh geez, you were like, no, Bluebirds are not coming out of my computer the mice are not, magically singing. And I was like, okay, good. that made me think, she gets this is hard. And so a lot of the people that I deal with high functioning anxiety really have that all or nothing mentality.

And so when they set a routine, they need to do it every morning. It needs to be, they need to be loving it. They have all these, again, those stories. And you talk a lot about flexibility. So talk more about any suggestions on how to allow more flexibility. Because I loved how you really address that in the book, which was awesome.

Tonya: Yeah you're right. I use the word flexibility all the time because you know what? Life needs flexibility. It is life. Things happen and things shift and things change and sometimes emergencies pop up or sometimes you're just too dang, tired to get out of bed, so you have to allow for that ebb and flow of life.

And I know that can be a challenge. If you are dealing with a lot of anxiety and you want to do the same thing every single day. So there's a couple of things that you can really do to build in a little bit of that flexibility into your day. First of all, I really advocate having two versions of your routine of your morning routine and your evening routine.

Or any routine that you have into the Workday routine, whatever it is, your longer routine is like everything you really want to do. And it feels really good. Whether that's, enjoying your cup of coffee while, sitting on the porch or, maybe it's reading a book for 15 minutes or maybe it's journaling for 10 minutes, or maybe it's taking an extra long shower.

Whatever it is, it needs to fit you and what you want. There's no special formula. There's no special magic that everybody has to do. You do what works for you. So have a longer routine that really does nourish all of those bits. It's really important to also have a little dose of reality here that not every day is going to be made of sunshine and lollipops.

We need to make sure I'd have a shorter routine day that works for us as well. So it really does pull out the key components of your longer routine. Maybe on your longer routine day, you take a, like an eight minute shower and you journal for 15 minutes and you spend 10 minutes reading your copy.

Maybe your shorter routine is. You take a five minute shower and you journal for only five minutes or you don't journal at all. And instead you do the time with your coffee, really prioritize what's most important to you. Maybe your long routine takes an hour to do or an hour and a half we'll say.

And then your shorter routine. 30 45 minutes at the very most that allows a little bit of that flexibility that you're still doing your routine. You're still pulling some of the things that are truly important to you because this is what I love about morning routines. Let's put some things in our morning routine that make us feel good that really inspire us.

That could easily be, let's say you're a creative person that you want 10 minutes to just doodle and draw on, on a notepad. Build that into your morning routine. Maybe it is listening to a podcast episode or reading a devotional or whatever it is, build that in. That feels good to you.

It's all about customizing things that work for you. So have a longer routine and have a shorter routine. And then throughout the day, the other thing that you can really do to build in this flexibility is add buffers to your time. So let's say that you think a task is going to take you an hour to do build it into an hour and 15 minutes.

On your calendar and when you finish it in an hour, what you're gonna do is you're gonna take that 15 minutes and you're going to bank it up, either do something that you want with that time, or save that 15 minutes for later on at the end of the day and save up. I like to say you can save them up like little pennies, 15 minutes here, five minutes there.

So the end of the day you do something really nice for you. Build in a little bit of that flexibility when you're making your calendar. And I think that's why it's so important to me that you plan each day as it comes, you have to treat each day as a new gift, as a new opportunity, as a chance for you to do what it is you want to do.

And by planning out each day, you get that flexibility in your life today feels like a great day. I'm going to do more of these things. Or, you know what, today doesn't feel so good. It's not a good day. I'm going to do fewer tasks. That's okay. We don't have to do the same number of things every single day.

We don't do everything exactly the same every day. Let's do what really works for you and let's make your life really work for you. And I think this is why so often. People balk at the idea of routine. I think it's so structured and so rigid and there's no room in there and I'm like, no, let's make the structure like a building, buildings.

Are designed to withstand, earthquakes and things like that. They're designed to move and shift with the wind a little bit. We need a little bit of that in our lives. You can still have that structure. You can still have that framework, but give it a little bit of looseness. So it really fits you.

Nancy: Yeah. Love that idea of the two different routines. Because that really answers the question, that's a baby step for my listeners of breaking out of that rigidity. Yeah. And giving them a taste of flexibility without going the whole hog into do whatever you want.

Like it's an intentional kind of like in between.

Tonya: Thing is, you talked about the fact that I was getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I was really excited about writing. That was that's so fulfilling to me, like getting to write was like, oh, it feels so good for the kids.

Get up before the rat race of getting them out the door. Everything else, but I wasn't planning on doing the 4:30 routine every single day. I committed to doing it three times a week and I had a different routine for those other days during the week. And if I wanted to get up four days in the week and write then I did it, but if I didn't want to, that was okay too.

You have to give yourself permission to be used. And I think we forget that we have that ability to give ourselves that permission.

Nancy: Yeah. Yes. Because that's, what I work a lot with my clients on is in is a lot of what you're talking about is building a self loyalty, building a loyalty with ourselves.

We would get up at 4:30 for our kids, for our spouse to help them accomplish their goals, but we wouldn't do it for ourselves.

Tonya: Yes. We ended up outside of ourselves and our own needs because, we give, and then we feel guilty. And we really need to make sure that we understand too, that when we take care of our wants and our needs, when we get ourselves to a place that feels healthy and good, we're able to give our very best version to everybody else.

So when you take care of yourself, you can then take care of everybody else. Everybody else can be taken care of because you have charged your batteries. You cannot shine your light on everyone else. If your batteries need recharging. And I think we have to remember that.

Nancy: Yeah. Because I love the idea of even on the how you work.

Because I thought you were going to say, oh, it's so on the light day that the shorter routine, you just get the kids out and take care of business, but you still, even on your short routine you do something for you. Journal or yeah. Yeah. Which is awesome, which brings me to the idea of million dollar minutes.

I loved that phrase. Tell me more about that.

Tonya: Really for me and I talk about this in my morning routine, I have this time it's about nine to 10. That I call my million dollar minutes with my husband where I'm already up. I'm, I'm working on writing my book. I go and I wake the kids up and then I slip back into bed with my husband.

And it seems crazy to get back into bed, started your day, and you've already gotten up and brush your teeth. When I get back into bed with him and I spend 10 minutes on my marriage with intention. So we lay in the bed, we laugh, we maybe talk. Sometimes we just sit there and snuggle together. But it's time for me to give him 100% of my attention and I call it million dollar minutes, because I know if that time was taken away tomorrow, I would happily pay a million dollars to get it back.

And I don't even have a million dollars. And I think there's these million dollar minutes throughout our day, when the your kid comes and sits next to you on the couch and wants to talk about their day at school. And they don't normally want to talk about their day at school, but they want to talk to you.

That's the time where you're like, you're going to miss that. And in the hairiness of our everyday lives and the rushing after our to-do list, we don't think we have time to stop. Put our phone down or in the other room turn and look our children in the eye and say, tell me more. That's a million dollar a minute because you know what, when your kids have grown and left the house, you're going to pine for that.

You're going to want for that. And you're going to, you're going to miss it. So let's actively create those spaces for ourselves. Let's think about what are the million dollar minutes in our day and let's grab hold of them and squeeze every last dime out of that million dollar minute.

Nancy: Yeah. And again, to keep going back to my favorite thing from your book, the daily download allows you to find those million dollar minutes, because you're reflecting on your day and can be like, oh, here was one and here was one and here was one. Yes. And then capitalize on those moving forward. So again, I, obviously I love that daily download because it. Really helps me be more intentional.

Tonya: Yes. And that's what I like to tell people. When they ask me what I do, I like to tell them, I teach people. I teach women about productivity. I like to say I'm redefining productivity for women, but really you come in the door and I go, Hey, listen. It's really about intentional living. It's really about being mindful.

It really is about, not managing our time, but instead savoring the moments let's choose to be an active participant in our everyday lives. And let's find the joy. That's already there that we're missing because life is going so fast. Let's slow it down. Find the joy in our everyday lives.

That's the joy of missing out, right? Craziness, choosing to miss out on the long to-do list, choosing to miss out on the obligations that you said yes to you out of guilt instead of out of desire and want let's instead, choose to find the joy because there's already joy in your life. I can guarantee you, there are pockets of happiness hidden in your everyday life.

If you stop and take notice, you're going to enjoy life so much more.

Nancy: At the beginning of this conversation, I was going to, I think about when I thought about the planning each day, that is anxiety provoking for me because everyone tells me I should be planning the whole week.

And everyone tells me that I should be on top of things. And so planning each day sounds a little loosey goosey, but in our conversation I'm like, yeah, planning each day really brings to focus that intention.

Tonya: Yes, it really does because you can create your day with intention. You can either actively choose to carve out like these million-dollar minutes.

You know what, after school today, let's say you have three kids, today is I'm going to spend 10 minutes with child number two today, after school. And I'm going to give them 10 minutes of my undivided attention, and here's the thing is every day is different. So why do we think that we can plan out the day.

Five days ahead of time, you don't know how you're going to wake up. You don't know if you're going to have, a sick kid crawling into your bed at three o'clock in the morning. If you're going to have allergies and cold, you don't know if it's going to be one of those days. You just don't feel like doing anything.

We all have those days. So allow yourself the grace allow yourself the choice to really make the day work for you. Whatever that day may be.

Nancy: Because that I think so many because of our, because of so many of my clients with the anxiety treat themselves like a machine and planning each day. My thought would be even if my kid wakes me up at 3:00 AM, I still should be up and on my game, the same.

Tonya: Yeah, right

And I'm like, and it's ok not to be. Again this is probably tied to a story. A good mom gets up with her kids and make sure, you know what my story is, a good mom empowers her children to be able to get themselves up and to be able to create, their own breakfast. That's my story, that I've rewritten for myself.

So if I am having an off day and I need to lay in bed for 15 minutes longer, my kids can get started with their day. And I feel okay with that because I am empowering them. I'm giving them the tools. They need to be able to go on into life and fly my nest and be good productive adults. And I think that's the thing is we believe that we have to be the cruise director.

We have to manage everything. And when you give your family that ability to manage themselves, that is a gift that is really a tool you're putting in their toolbox to be able to go off into the world and be self-sufficient to be capable and able to create their own. And so we have to reframe again, it's that whole idea of mindset, right?

And the choices we make and the way that we talk to ourselves, we have to reframe that. And we have that ability to do that and look at how this is a benefit to other people that you're allowing them to get themselves up. Stop shoulding on yourself. You got to stop

Nancy: And that you're teaching your kids, that we're humans and that we have different needs.

And I could, I needed to take care of myself and not just be a machine.

Tonya: You're teaching your kids. If you are getting up and you are revolving your whole life around them, what are you teaching them about your value? What are you teaching them that life looks like when they're an adult, when they're a parent, how they're supposed to be, we're role modeling on a constant basis.

Giving them that ability to take care of things on their own is a gift. That's so much freedom. I feel like it's just like a weight lifted off of you to be able to say, okay, you can take care of this on your own go off into the world.

Nancy: Exactly. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This thank you so much for taking the time.

To talk about this stuff. And, I can not recommend this book enough. And I have of blue library full of self-help books and productivity books. And this is one of the best I've ever read as because, because you really answer that. But how and question, which I think is so important and there's.

And you make it so approachable that I can pick and choose, all I'm doing is the daily download and the planning each day concepts, because those stuck out to me, but then there's more, it has a depth to it. Yeah.

Tonya: We don’t want to try to do everything all at once anyways. Because again, we're going to get overwhelmed.

So start with one thing that you pulled from the book, then add two and then. And make it, so it really works for you and pick and choose what does work for you, what doesn't work for you.

Nancy: Because that's what I appreciated it because so many times it's I even have a blog post that I wrote that says you don't need another system because my clients will be like, I just need a system and then everything will be better.

And your book is really looking at the whole picture and not just, you need to do step 1, 2, 3, 4, and then your problems will be solved..

Tonya: Yeah, there's no magic button Sorry. Yes. No, sorry. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but there is no magic button, no magic system that just takes it all away and makes life easy.

Like we said earlier. It takes a little bit of work. It takes some effort to, to change your mindsets, but we're really, when you do that, when you start creating a life for yourself, that feels meaningful, it is rewarding.

Nancy: Yeah, it, yeah. So I can't say enough. Good things. Thank you so much for taking the time.

And writing this book, getting up at 4:30 in the morning, (Laughing)

Tonya: Happy to do it. but thank you so much for having me on the show. I appreciate it.

Nancy: As you heard in the interview, I have added the daily download to my routine. I confess I'm still trying to make it a regular part of my routine because I frequently just forget to do it.

But when I do it, it is a total game changer. So I have a lot of motivation to keep carrying on. I have found that the more I slow down and intentionally plan, the more I accomplish. And I have also found that even though I know intentional planning works best, I still am drawn to that. Gosh, darn to-do list and the hit of dopamine from it.

But that hit does not even come close to matching the feeling of working with thoughtfully towards my goals. So as a reminder, this is all about making slow, intentional changes and remembering the power of spiraling.

Transcript:

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Episode 117: You Aren’t Failing, You’re Spiraling Up

In this episode, we're going to look at how change works and specifically how the concept of spiraling up can be applied to the lifelong project of growth and change. How you can step up to new challenges with a new perspective and remind yourself that you aren't failing–you're just spiraling up.

Do you ever feel like you're repeating the same lessons over and over again?

Do you feel like the stuff you worked on 5, 10, or even 20 years ago has a way of coming back, even though you thought you'd found the solution? 

There's a very good reason for that and, no, it’s not because you're broken.

It’s because change isn’t one and done. It’s ongoing.

It’s because of a concept that I call Spiraling Up. 

It can often feel like we are relearning the same lesson over and over, but really we're experiencing a different level of that lesson–new situations, new challenges at a new level of insight. 

Change is like ascending a spiral stare case that presents us with new challenges the higher we climb. It’s not that we are relearning an old lesson, it’s that through life we are being presented with a new and higher level of that lesson. 

In this episode, we're going to look at how change works and specifically how the concept of spiraling up can be applied to the lifelong project of growth and change. How you can step up to new challenges with a new perspective and remind yourself that you aren't failing–you're just spiraling up.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How having to re-visit life-lesson does not mean that we are broken

• How while we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information

• What to do when we get stressed and overwhelmed and our triggers and patterns are more likely to reveal themselves

• What the research shows about the change that results from our life experiences, and how that change often leans in a positive, helpful direction

• How the process of change takes an unpredictable, non-linear path

Research and resources mentioned:

• Brent Rogers’ researcher on change

• Dr. Kelly McGonigal’s Tedx talk

+ Read the Transcript

Do you ever feel like you’re learning lessons over again? Like the stuff, you worked on 5, 10, or even 20 years ago has a way of coming back--even though you THOUGHT you’d found the solution?

There’s a very good reason for that. And don’t worry--it does NOT mean that you’re broken. I’ll tell you why we end up learning lessons over again soon--but first, a story.”

Sarah had worked for months on decreasing her tendency to please people. She had grown up in a chaotic home, and one of the ways she maintained control was by becoming really good at mind reading. Although as a child she walked on eggshells around her Mom, she also had an uncanny talent in predicting what would set her Mom off and worked hard to make sure none of those things happened. She could read her Mom and fine-tuned her skill in knowing when her Mom was upset, figuring out what caused it, and doing whatever was in her power to change the situation. She learned at an early age that mind-reading led to a happy Mom led to a less chaotic life. Sarah figured out that one of the ways to decrease the feelings of anxiety was to make sure everyone around her was happy. So it wasn’t long before her mindreading and people please extended to her friends, siblings, teachers, and anyone else she could come in contact with. Sarah was a master people pleaser, and it was exhausting. So through therapy, Sarah was able to see the pattern, recognize where it came from and why it was such a strong pull for her to make others happy. Sarah was healed, or so she thought, through therapy, she knew where her people-pleasing came from and that it wasn’t serving her anymore. She learned to recognize it, take action and stop the pattern, That is until recently.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

Sarah has hit a rough patch at work. To put it mildly, she is overwhelmed. Deadlines looming, staff not cooperating, miscommunication, you name it, it has gone wrong lately. Not to mention all the pressure Sarah is putting on herself for the new year. She was going to work out more and eat better, and try to stop taking everything out on her spouse. Sarah’s anxiety is through the roof, and before she knows it, that old pattern of people-pleasing is rearing its ugly head. Sarah starts staying late to cover for her staff, and when her new boss asks what is going on and why one of her staff is chronically late, Sarah makes excuses for her and explains that she is just having a tough time right now, but Sarah knows she will get it together. Sarah spends way too much of her time away from work analyzing how she can make it better, what she needs to do to change and how she can fix the problems that are plaguing her organization. Eventually, her spouse says to her, What is going on? You have been more stressed than usual and aren’t present at all when you come home. Sarah realizes she is back people-pleasing again. She isn’t saying no, her boundaries are out the window and her anxiety is through the roof. She realizes her new boss is a lot like her Mom, demanding, unpredictable, and unaware of how her actions affect the staff. So Sarah has stepped in to smooth everything over, she knows her staff is walking on eggshells, and as if she were 8 years old again there she is protecting everyone around her and not taking care of herself at all.

Sarah immediately starts beating herself up. I thought I had fixed this problem! I thought I was healed.

Well, here is the truth for Sarah. We all have patterns and triggers, and when we get stressed and overwhelmed, these triggers and patterns come out. The process of change isn’t linear. It isn’t like we learn a lesson, and we are done, we are ever-changing, ever-learning, ever getting triggered. Sarah hasn’t forgotten all she learned in therapy. She hasn’t gone back to zero. She is just learning this lesson again, from a different place. I call this Spiraling Up.

All this month, we are taking a different look at how change works. January is a time when we are inundated with new year, new you, a fresh start, change everything about you, and THEN you will be happy messages. In today’s episode, we are going to look at how change works, and specifically one of my favorite ideas around change, spiraling up.

One thing with change that rarely gets mentioned is a concept I call Spiraling Up. Visualize a spiral staircase and think of that spiral staircase as the lesson of people-pleasing. At the bottom of the staircase is people-pleasing unchecked; this was Sarah prior to going to therapy, she would react unconsciously to stressful situations by going into mind reading and people-pleasing. This was her go-to coping mechanism for her anxiety. After therapy, Sarah can see how her people-pleasing works to decrease her anxiety, that it came from her relationship with her Mom, and that it is something she can stop doing when she recognizes it. As Sarah goes through life, she notices herself people-pleasing, implements the strategies she learned in therapy such as paying attention to her needs, setting clear boundaries, staying in her own car, and she travels up the staircase. She can now interact with her Mom without getting overcome with triggers (it isn’t easy, but she can see when she starts mind reading for her Mom and make a shift)

But at some point, she will get snagged as she did recently with her new boss and work. So it might feel like Sarah is back to square one, but in reality, she has climbed up the spiral staircase and is learning this lesson at a different level. She mastered the lesson when it has to do with her Mom (for the most part), but now she is learning how to implement this lesson with someone different from her Mom.

At this point, you might be asking, is change even possible? Brent Rogers, a researcher from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, believes it is and has done a longitudinal research project to confirm his theory that personality change is cumulative over our lifespan. His study followed people over the span of 50 years, measuring how their personality shifted using what personality researchers call the big five personality traits.

Extraversion: How outgoing, social, cheerful, or full of energy and enthusiasm you are in social settings.

Agreeableness: How warm, friendly, helpful, generous, and tactful you are.

Emotional stability (or its opposite, neuroticism): How calm, content, and unflappable—versus anxious, angry, jealous, lonely, or insecure—you are.

Conscientiousness: How organized, efficient, and committed you are to finishing projects or reaching your goals.

Openness to experience: How curious, adventuresome, and receptive you are to new ideas, emotions, and experiences.

His research showed that change happens in response to our life experiences and often leans in a positive, helpful direction. Researchers found that people’s personalities did change, especially in the areas of emotional stability, conscientiousness, and agreeableness, but they weren’t dramatic changes. They were small, manageable changes made over time.

Change isn’t one and done. It is on-going. We might come back to the lesson, and it might feel like we are relearning the same lesson, but really, we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight, a new situation, a new challenge. And then, when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

You will have leveled up into a more difficult area, but still, the lesson will seem familiar.

The tendency is for Sarah to get stuck in frustration and disappointment that ugh! She has to work on this issue again in a different setting. This is a time when her Monger, aka inner critic, can get VERY LOUD. Telling her that she wasted money on therapy, she is a loser who never will get this figured out, and she is doomed to be a people-pleasing freak forever. Yep, that Monger is so mean! So at this point, she either decides to give up and admit defeat or bring in her Biggest Fan (her inner voice of compassion and wisdom), who reminds of the power of spiraling up, and the key to change is leaning into that discomfort.

Stanford University psychologist Dr. Kelly McGonigal is an expert on how our brain makes changes, and in her books and Tedx talk, she shares how a key part of change is embracing the discomfort of it. Let’s face it, change is uncomfortable and even more so when we realize that change is on-going. In all honesty, Sarah will be learning and re-learning this lesson of people-pleasing throughout her life. It won’t always be as hard as it is now, but it is a challenge she will face on some level over and over again. Dr. McGonical talks about how we miss acknowledging that most change is uncomfortable, even scary at times, and takes not just a can-do attitude but an element of courage. We have to call on that Biggest Fan to remind us that change is possible. It requires courage, kindness, and slow, mindful changes.

Once Sarah realizes she is spiraling up, she can call on the 3 main lessons she learned from her previous people-pleasing lessons such as:

The first lesson is: how uncomfortable it feels to stop people-pleasing. She knows it is hard to disappoint people, and she also knows because she did it with her Mom, she will survive. It sucks, and it is doable.

The second lesson she learned before: her co-workers are allowed to have their feelings, be disappointed, they can think that Sarah is a bitch (even though that might be unfair), etc. AND Sarah is allowed to have her feelings, insecure, uncomfortable, etc. She learned before that when she tries to control her co-workers feelings as she tried to do when she was younger with her Mom, it does not go well.

And the last lesson she learned before: the image of staying in her own car is very helpful. She knows when she is engaging in people-pleasing when she tries to jump into someone else’s car and is telling them how to drive, feel or respond.

And the last lesson she learned is to be kind to herself. This stuff is hard, and allowing her Monger to run the show doesn’t help anyone. Practicing regularly calling on her Biggest Fan is important to this process.

Sarah is going to take those lessons and any others she learned and use them as she figures out how to decrease her people-pleasing when it comes to a co-worker.

When you think about life lessons as Spiraling Up, it gives a new perspective. While we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information that we didn’t have the last time the lesson came into our lives.

So the next time you have a sense of déjà vu when it comes to a life lesson, don’t beat yourself up. Our Monger loves to think in black and white and be very doomsday about the fact that we are re-learning a lesson.

So take a pause and think back to all you have learned about this lesson in the past. Think back to how you used to handle this situation and remind yourself what you have learned.

Be kind to yourself that you got snagged again, remember this is all part of being human; you aren’t a failure; you are just learning.

Just as a child who is learning to walk falls, so to do we as adults, we lose our balance, we run into a new obstacle, but that doesn’t mean we forgot all we knew before.

Remind yourself that you aren’t failing; you are just Spiraling Up.

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Working with me using my Coach in Your Pocket is perfect for those spiraling up lessons. You have done therapy, you have learned your triggers, examined your past you know you are Spiraling up but your Monger and High Functioning Anxiety are still running the show. Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years, and because it silently affects so many people who think this is just how it is.

But this isn't how it is.

There is hope if you struggle with High Functioning Anxiety—it doesn't have to be this way. You can reduce your anxiety and keep your edge. You can have less self-doubt and still get a ton done.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

I have been doing this work for over 20 years and Coach in Your Pocket is the most effective and most life-changing work I have ever done. My clients are consistently blown away by how these daily check-ins combined with the monthly face-to-face video meetings create slow, lasting changes that reprogram their High Functioning Anxiety tendencies over time. Learn More

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Episode 116: How Mr. Rogers Can Teach You To Slow Down And Be Present

Today’s episode is about slowing down and being in the present moment. One of our greatest teachers of this concept is Mr. Rogers and so I thought it would be fitting to do an episode about Mr. Rogers’s effect and some of the ways he has taught me to be present.

Have you ever sat in a movie theater and been blown away by a single quote?

One little line just floats into your brain and holds on for dear life?

This happened to me last Thanksgiving watching the new movie about Mr. Rogers, It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, and I have been thinking about it ever since.

In the scene, Lloyd Vogel, a cynical journalist who has been assigned to do a profile on Mr. Rogers, is calling to set up their first meeting. He is shocked to have Fred Rogers answer the phone. Not his assistant, not his handler, Mr. Rogers himself. Lloyd, not wanting to waste the time of an important person, suggests they set another time to talk. Surely Mr. Rogers has more important things to do. 

And here is what blew me away: In response to this suggestion, Mr. Rogers says, “What do you think is the most important thing in the world for me right now? To speak on the phone to Lloyd Vogel.”  

When I heard this line I audibly gasped.

The quote got me thinking: How often do I miss conversations or important moments because, in my head, I am already moving on to the next thing? How often does my worrying about what comes next distract me from the important things that are happening right there in the present moment? 

Almost all my clients have mentioned to me how hard the month of January can be. For a variety of reasons–the darkness, the packing up of the holidays for another year, the inundation of self-improvement New-Year-New-You messages–this time of year can be challenging. 

This is why my goal this month is to give you different ways to think about this New-Year-New-You crap and reframe how you think of change and self-improvement. 

Today’s episode is about slowing down and being in the present moment. One of our greatest teachers of this concept is Mr. Rogers and so I thought it would be fitting to do an episode about Mr. Rogers’s effect and some of the ways he has taught me to be present.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How to use the Most Important Thing Test as a way to check in with ourselves and practice mindfulness

• What the difference and similarities between mindfulness and meditation are

• How the test helps us be gentle and stop mentally beating ourselves up

• How to use the test to identify if something is even important

• How when we don’t acknowledge our feelings we spend all of our time trying to ignore them

• And how acknowledging our feelings is much easier than we are making it out to be

Some of the research and resources mentioned:

• Name Your Values Worksheet

• Fred Rogers Acceptance Speech - 1997

+ Read the Transcript

Have you ever sat in a movie theater and been blown away by one quote. One little line just floats into your brain and holds on for dear life. There were a couple of those times as I sat in a darkened movie theater on Thanksgiving watching It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, the Mr. Rogers movie with Tom Hanks, that came out end of last year. But there is one that stands out the most and is something I still think about multiple times a day. Lloyd Vogel is a cynical journalist who has been assigned to do a profile on Mr. Rogers calls Mr. Rogers to set up their first meeting, and he is shocked that Fred Rogers answers the phone, Not his assistant, not his handler, Mister Rogers himself. And when Lloyd suggests they set another time to talk because he knows that Fred has more important things to do right then, Mr. Rogers says, “What do you think is the most important thing in the world for me right now? To speak on the phone to Lloyd Vogel.” I audibly gasped as I heard that line. Thinking to myself, how often do I miss those conversations or moments because I am so busy moving on to the next thing or in my head worrying about what comes next.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

I think I have told the story of this scene in It’s A Beautiful Day at least 30 times since we saw it, and I think about it at least once a day. It is one way I bring myself back to whatever it is I am doing. The most important thing I am doing is whatever I am doing right now. I call it the Most Important Thing Test.

Almost all my clients have mentioned to me how hard this month is. For a variety of reasons, the darkness of January, the packing up of the holidays for another year, and the inundation of New Year New You messages. My goal this month is to give you different ways to think about this new year, new you crap, to change how you think of change and self-improvement. I wanted to do an episode about slowing down and being in the present moment, and one of our greatest teachers of this concept is Mr. Rogers. So I thought it would be fitting to do an episode about Mr. Rogers’s effect and some of the ways he has taught me to be present.

Let’s get back to the Most Important Thing Test. I have found this philosophy has helped me on two levels. One, when I am doing a task and my mind wanders, or I start beating myself up for not doing something else, I remind myself that whatever I am doing is the most important thing. I swear, every time I say this one phrase, a light bulb goes off in my head, my heart rate slows, and I take a deep breath and re-focus on what I am doing. I have experienced this while writing, at the grocery store, talking to my husband, spending time with family. Each time it brought me back to what I was doing and made that task 1000 times more fun—yes, even going to the grocery store. Because you know what, you are stuck at the grocery store, so you might as well immerse yourself in the experience. And fully being somewhere all in, completely present is amazingly better than being half in and half out.

The second way the Most Important Thing Test is valuable is it points out when you aren’t doing something important at all—for example, wasting time on social media or playing a game on your phone. There have been times that I am scrolling through social media, and I think, IS this the most important thing I am doing right now? Nope. Definitely not, and it helps me move on to something I would rather be spending my time on.

A 2-fold test. Helping you concentrate on one thing at a time and help you notice when you need to be moving on to another task.

At its root, what the Most Important Thing test is, is a way for you to check-in with yourself and practice mindfulness. Whenever I bring up the idea of mindfulness, the next question is inevitably, do you have a regular meditation practice? And my answer is no. If you have been following me over the years, you know I don’t have a regular meditation practice even though, yes, meditation is an amazing tool.

While we are on the topic of mindfulness and meditation, I want to clear up the difference and similarities between these 2 activities. And it starts with a Continuing Education Training I attended with Ronald Siegel, a psychologist, and renowned meditation expert. Not surprisingly, at one point, he had us practice meditation. I think it was only 15 minutes, and at the end of it, he asked how many people felt more stressed after the meditation. A few hesitant hands popped up around the crowd eventually as people looked around and saw they weren’t alone the more hands that popped up, and before long, almost every hand was up. And then he said something that made me gasp (just like the Mr. Rogers, Most Important thing quote) “meditation isn’t about reducing stress, meditation is about noticing your thoughts and building a relationship with yourself, so when you get stressed, you know your thought. How can it be stress-reducing if your thoughts are running around like a pile of puppies? The reason you meditate is to be able to recognize that your thoughts are a litter of puppies, they are constantly moving and jumping, and you don’t have to believe each and everyone.”

At that moment, I realized all my mini-mindfulness practices were doing the same thing, just in a different form. And that is why I love my mini-mindfulness practices because they give me that chance to see that my thoughts are like boxes on a conveyor belt, and I can choose to pick one up and obsess about it, or I can put it right back up on the conveyor belt and move on. The Most Important Thing test falls nicely into that mini-mindfulness idea, so when a thought comes in and interrupts my time with my nieces and nephews, I can say to myself, put it back up there because THIS is the most important thing right now.

Another mindfulness practice that Mr. Rogers celebrates is gratitude, my rule of gratitude is “always go deep, not wide.” And the practice that Mr. Rogers suggests was an amazing moment at the Daytime Emmy’s when he was given the Lifetime Achievement Award. During his acceptance speech, he stood up and said, “All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Would you just take, along with me, ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are--ten seconds of silence.” And he stood there for 10 seconds in silence. I don’t know if you have ever stood still for 10 seconds staring at hundreds of people, but it is an incredible visual. This exercise is one I practice when I can’t sleep at night. I will lie in bed and name those who have helped shape me into who I am. I challenge myself to go as far back as I can and name as many people as I can. Inevitably when I practice this exercise, I feel not only appreciation but a sense of groundedness. Whenever you are feeling alone, overwhelmed, and like no one gets it, I encourage you to take 10 seconds and name all those who have loved you.

Ok, so back to the movie, It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, you know it is a good movie when there is more than one quote that permeates all the stuff in your brain and holds on for dear life. Near the end of the movie, Mr. Rogers says, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.” Again I gasped in the theater. The truth to this message is bone-chilling; let me say it one more time:

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

So many of our worries, anxieties, fears become blown out of proportion because we are living in fear of mentioning them, but the minute we mention them, they become manageable. But for most of us, we let them swim around in our heads, thinking we are the only one in the world feeling this way and feeling more and more alone.

This idea of acknowledging our feelings is something I am going to be talking about more next month because it is the 2nd most important practice I have implemented to reduce my HFA (after mindfulness).

For too many years, I swallowed my feelings, pushed them down, boxed them up, and threw away the key. I was the queen of “fine” everything is “fine,” acknowledging that I was scared and worse, telling someone else just wasn’t in my repertoire. I realized (I admit begrudgingly) that this behavior of not acknowledging my feelings was hurting me because I was skating on the surface of life.

When we don’t acknowledge our feelings, we spend all of our time trying to ignore them. We engage in people-pleasing, perfectionism, hustling, to-do list management, not to mention numbing on food, alcohol, and our phones, all in a way to keep our feelings down. As Mr. Rogers said, anything mentionable is manageable, so if we aren’t mentioning our feelings, we aren’t able to move through them and engage with them. If I don’t share that I am sad about a promotion I missed at work and just ‘soldier on,’ I won’t ever be able to figure out why I didn’t get the promotion, what steps I need to take next and how I can engage differently at work.

I see it all the time in my clients in Coach in Your Pocket, they will vox me sharing the stress of the day, and they are litanying off their stress, naming all the things that went wrong, they are worried about or disappointed in. But they don’t name ANY feelings. They just talk about the story as if they were giving a news report without any depth. Acknowledging our feelings gives our life dept. Mentioning our feelings allows them to be dealt with in a healthy way.

We make acknowledging our feelings so much harder than it needs to be. It really is as simple as labeling our feelings. If you work with me, you will frequently hear me say, “pull out the feelings sheet,” and label how you are feeling. It isn’t hard or time-consuming, but it is challenging. It feels uncomfortable. But for now, just start noticing your feeling and labeling them. Remember,

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”

The last thing I want to mention about Mr. Rogers is that he worked for it. In the movie, the journalist Lloyd asks Mr. Rogers’s wife what it is like to live with a Living Saint, and she replies, “I don’t like that term because it makes what he is unattainable,” she says. “And it’s not.” She goes on to detail how much work he puts in to “stay grounded” each day — praying, swimming, and reading scripture. He’s the nicest man in the world, and he works for it.

He works for it. I think the danger is we look at Mr. Rogers’ slow, present, deliberate, focused, empathetic style, and we think it is unattainable. It was something he was born with. When in fact, he worked at it, he made it a minute-to-minute practice. He was not perfect. He was not a living saint. He was human, just like all of us, doing the best we can with what we have. I hope you will implement some of these practices into your daily life. They are a game-changer, AND I definitely recommend you go see the movie It’s A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

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Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years and because it silently affects so many people who think this is just how it is. But this isn’t how it is. The constant questioning, doubting, and rehearsing all while handling everything, checking stuff off the list, and “never letting them see you sweat.”

There is hope if you struggle with High Functioning Anxiety—it doesn’t have to be this way. You can reduce your anxiety and keep your edge. You can have less self-doubt and still get a ton done.

We have been sold the lie that our anxiety and our drive to succeed are the same thing. I have seen it in my clients over and over: when they learn how to quiet their anxiety, their passions and interests actually increase. They have new clarity that they never had before.

When I asked clients how they felt about their work via Coach in your Pocket, I was blown away. One of my clients illustrated how HFA affects all areas of our lives and that working with me via Voxer has improved all areas; She said,

“I started this work to feel less anxious. I had no idea how much it would improve my marriage, work, relationships with my kids, and health overall. I do less out-of-control emotional eating, have spoken up more at work, built a stronger connection with my spouse, and have learned how to react less emotionally to my kids.”

Over the course of the three-month program, we meet once a month for a face-to-face session via a secure video chat, and then throughout the entire three months, you have access to me anytime you are feeling anxious, having a Monger attack, celebrating a win, or just need to check-in, and I will respond to you during my office hours (Monday through Friday, 9am - 6pm EST).

I have been doing this work for over 20 years, and Coach in Your Pocket is the most effective and most life-changing work I have ever done. My clients are consistently blown away by how these daily check-ins combined with the monthly face-to-face video meetings create slow, lasting changes that reprogram their High Functioning Anxiety tendencies over time.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

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Episode 115: Living Life True To Your Values

In today’s episode, I explore how values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And when we work to narrow down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us. 

Today, I want to share a cautionary tale.

A few days ago I said to my husband:

“Maybe we should shake things up this year. Do something crazy. Sell our house, move to Hawaii… SOMETHING BIG.”

He looked at me blankly. “What about our families?” he asked. “What about our friends? What about your business? Besides, I like it here. I like our life. We do big things in little ways all the time.”

And it hit me–I had yet again got sucked into the New Year, New You crap– “When-Then Syndrome.” 

I had been reading the inspirational memes on social media–people planning on moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape–and my Inner Monger was getting louder and louder.

All of these promises of a new and perfect life were making me feel like I wasn’t enough–like I was missing out. 

I was getting drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and I was twisting it into a ‘you are not good enough’ mantra.

I was stuck in a cycle of comparisonitis.

I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture.

But when I think about what I value most in my life–empathy, relationships, laughter, integrity, compassion–I can see that the life I lead is a reflection of those values. 

My nearest and dearest was right: I love our life.  

Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life. 

I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to them and remind myself, yes, right now this is what I want for my life.

In today’s episode, I explore how values are the foundation of your life. They are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And how when we work to narrow down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How naming your values is one of the best ways to bring yourself back to what is most important

• How when you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life

• How to narrow your values down to a list of 5 values that are unique to you

• How to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’s values so you don’t end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by life

• What to do when your values are seemingly in conflict with one another

• How to find help from your friends and family in holding yourself accountable to your values

Research and resources mentioned:

• Name Your Values Worksheet

• City Slickers – One Thing – YouTube

• Work with Me: Coach in Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

A few days ago, I said to my nearest and dearest, “Maybe we should shake things up this year…do something crazy…sell our house…move to Hawaii..I don’t know, just do SOMETHING BIG.”

Over the past week, I have been reading the inspirational memes on Facebook and blogs and was just feeling ‘meh’ about the whole thing. I was reading about all the big things people were planning to do…moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape, etc. As I kept reading, my inner bully/monger kept getting louder and louder. All of these promises of a new life, a perfect life, a better life made me feel less than and like I was missing out. Over the past week, I have been stuck in a cycle of berating myself, feeling not good enough, and a HUGE case of comparisonitis.

My husband’s response to my announcement, well, He looked at me blankly and said, “What about our families? What about our friends? What about your business? I like it here. I like our life, we do big things in little ways all the time.”

And then it hit me, I had yet again got sucked into all the New Year New You crap and the “When-Then Syndrome. “ I had been drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and had twisted it into a ‘you are not good enough mantra.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture.

So last night, after a wonderful evening of hanging on the couch and snuggling with our animals, I laid in bed and thought about my values. I thought about what I value most in my life:

Empathy

Relationships

Laughter

Integrity

Compassion

And I thought about how my life is a reflection of those values. My nearest and dearest was right, I like our life…no, I love our life. Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy, and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life. I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to those 5 things and remind myself, yes, right now, this is what I want for my life.

I tell this cautionary tale to show that we are all going to get snagged from time to time, even so-called experts on this subject :)

When I get snagged and thinking I need to blow my whole life up and make a BIG change. Naming my values is one of my favorite ways to bring me back to what is most important to me. I remember years ago watching the movie City Slickers. (Yep, I am totally dating myself here)

In the movie, Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a cattle ranch to help move the cattle from one ranch to another. Billy Crystal’s character is having a bit of a mid-life crisis and trying to figure out the meaning of his life. While there, he meets an old cowboy named Curly (played by Jack Palance). My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life. Jack says, “You know what the secret to life is?” and he holds up his finger. Billy says, “Your finger?” and Jack says, “No one thing, once you figure that out, nothing else matters. Billy says, “What’s the one thing and Jack says, “that’s what you have to figure out.” I remember seeing that scene in the theater, and I was blown away. Thinking of the simplicity of that. With my anxiety picking one thing is just TOO hard!! So today, I encourage people to pick 5 things. 5 Values.

What are values? As defined by the Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, a value is “something (such as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable.”[i]

Values are the foundation of your life. Values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. Values help you answer the question, What’s most important here? The values you choose and the definitions you give them are unique to you. Someone may share similar values to yours, but their definitions might be different.

Too often, we aren’t living by our values. We find ourselves caught up in the messages of our Monger, and we are doing what we think we should do or what so-and-so is doing. When we are living a life based on someone else’s values, we end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by our life.

In contrast, your Biggest Fan encourages you to live true to your values. Your values provide a simple, easy way to see the big picture and determine what is most important to you so you can take the next steps.

Your values are expressed in the decisions you make and the activities you choose. Imagine someone was silently observing your life:

What would they see you valuing the most?

Would they be able to tell what you valued most by looking at how you spend your time and with whom you spend it?

If you are living your life from your values, then the decisions you make and the commitments you engage in will support one of your top five values. Let’s say family is one of your top five values; then, your life decisions will revolve around supporting and engaging with your family. You won’t want to engage in activities or spend time with people who take you away from your family for a long period. Your family is consistently a priority.

If you value social change, you make everyday choices that inspire social change through the clothes you wear, the websites you visit, and the products you use. You may want to work in a job or support causes that encourage social change and work towards the social change you want to see.

If you value creativity, then you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side, whether it is through drawing, painting, developing ideas, or writing. Expressing your creative side through either paid or unpaid activities will be a focus of your life.

The glitch comes when we value something, but we aren’t making choices around it. For example, you value family, but you are working all the time, so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity, but you never give yourself time to engage in artistic activities.

Only you can define what a value means for you. For example, many people value financial security. For one person, that could mean having just enough money to pay all the bills, while for another person, that could mean paying all the bills and having money left over to take as many vacations as they want.

When you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life. No longer will you be driven by external standards set by the Monger; now, you will have internal guides to chart your course.

Old Values/Other People’s Values

Growing up, you learned values from teachers, parents, clergy, and friends. Now, as an adult, you are entitled to your own values. Our Biggest Fan helps us get clear on and live out our values.

Our Monger loves to remind us of other people’s values. She loves to hold on to old values that belonged to our parents that might not be our values today. For example, maybe your parents found it important to go to church and religion was one of their values, but you value family, and Sunday mornings are the only time your immediate family has time to hang out, catch up, and bond so you don’t want to spend that time at church. That is okay. Remember, values and guilt don’t go together. Values aren’t shoulds. They are intentions that resonate with you and answer the question, What is most important here? You need to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’s values.

For example, your father values loyalty, so he worked at the same employer for 30+ years and encouraged you to do the same. However, maybe you value learning, and you have learned all you can from your current employer. Even though you have only been there for five years, you want to find another employer where you can continue to learn and grow. Recognizing this difference and knowing that you can make different choices and have different values is key.

Maybe you have outgrown a value. I remember in my 20s, I really valued social acceptance and would head out every weekend with my friends to see the latest movie just so I could say I had been there and done that. Today? I spend Friday nights quietly with my nearest and dearest or close friends, and the thought of facing the throngs of people to see the latest movie makes my skin crawl! It was great for my 20s, but now that I am almost 45, I value relationships more than I value social acceptance, and I would rather pass. Imagine if I listened to my Monger, who told me I should value social acceptance—I would be stressed out every Friday night.

Your top five values reflect you, not what you have been told to do or have been expected to do.

Conflicting Values

Our top five values may not be similar to each other and might be in direct conflict with each other. Rarely do all your values exist without a little conflict with each other. Here is where your Monger will be quick to come in and tell you how wrong you are and how you can’t live a life with values that aren’t similar. But your Biggest Fan is there to remind you that you can pull back and look at the big picture. You can include all your values; you just need to be more creative, not critical.

For example, maybe you value risk-taking, but you also value logic, so you are an auditor who bungee jumps. Or you value financial security and creativity, so you might be working a variety of jobs to fulfill both your creative outlet and your need for a secure future. You might work as a freelance writer to feed your creative side and have a job as a nurse to pay the bills. Or you value independence, but you also value socializing, so you need to be conscious and intentional about making sure you build quality relationships with others while also balancing your need for freedom, individuality, or autonomy.

Bottom line, we are happier when we live by our values, not what our Monger tells us we should be living by. After years of listening to your Monger telling you what you should be doing, listening to your own values will be challenging because your Monger’s message has become your default. Initially, you will need to remind yourself of your values as often as possible. Some of my clients have written their values down and framed them to display in their office. You can post them in your home, put them on your phone, and share them with your family. Accountability is helpful, so encourage your family to lovingly remind you of your values when they notice you are spinning out from a Monger attack.

In the show notes, you can download an exercise to help you name your values and see how they are playing out in your life.

It is SO easy to get snagged this time of year with all the new year new you messaging. The pressure is real, and the messages that IF you just changed this one thing, your life would be magically different. We WANT to believe that because it would be so much easier :)

It isn’t about not getting snagged; it is about how quickly you can regroup. Sometimes regrouping takes me days. Sometimes hours and sometimes minutes. The key is having the necessary tools to regroup and not get stuck in the “I am not good enough mantra.”

I believe–like Curly did in the movie City Slickers–when we come up with our one thing (or 5), it makes it easier to focus on what’s important in our lives.

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High Functioning Anxiety can be at its worst around the New Year. Whether it’s your resolutions or everyone else’s, you can feel yourself regularly cycling through scripts that tell you you’re not good enough unless you’re flawless, constantly available, and solving everyone else’s problems.

I’d love to help you embrace this new year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach. I specialize in helping women like you living with High Functioning Anxiety to let go and make peace themselves.

Plus, coaching with me doesn’t have to take up tons of room in your already full schedule.

Here’s how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

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Episode 114: Setting New Year’s Resolutions Without The Hype

In today’s episode, I am talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions.

Eating too much sugar? No problem! In January I will cut back.

Not working out? No problem! In January I will hit the gym.

Postponing our plans for change looks great under the glow of the holiday lights. But when we wake up each year on January 1st, hungover from too much celebrating, realizing with dread, that all of our plans for change in the New Year need to magically start RIGHT NOW, it is a very different story. 

All of the plans that we have been putting off until the New Year are suddenly very real and very pressing. We need to get it together and act before our Monger catches on.

The deadline had arrived.

For people with High Functioning Anxiety, the days leading up to the New Year are days full of possibility. Set the resolution, do the prep work, and, poof like magic, we will be different people. 

No wonder we are so depressed come the first week of January when we realize that the change we want is only going to happen with work and that the work is going to be hard. 

We were so focused on how amazing it would be once the change was done that we didn’t take into account what it would actually take to stop eating sugar or to work out every morning. We didn’t take into account the process of change.  

Throughout the month of January, we will be discussing this process of change with helpful tips and strategies for making small changes in your life without all the hype. 

Today we will be talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Why New Year’s can be very anxiety-inducing for people with High Functioning Anxiety

• What the research actually shows about making resolutions for change in the New Year

• What we can do about it once we know the research and identify our own tendencies

• 5 tips for not falling prey to the romance of New Year’s eve

• How to embrace this New Year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach.

Some of the research and resources:

• Research by University of Scranton Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D

  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2980864

  • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11920693

• Research by Ayelet Fishbach, University of Chicago, and Kaitlin Woolley, Cornell University

  • https://faculty.chicagobooth.edu/ayelet.fishbach/research/Woolley&FishbachPSPB.pdf

• Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

• Work with Me: Coach in Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

I have always hated New Year’s. The whole event. New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day. Drinking too much, feeling hungover, the parties, the pork, the sauerkraut. Everything about it I hated. And I never knew why.

Then I realized…

...it was the pressure.

For the month of December, I would quiet my Monger by saying, in January, I will make all these changes. ANYTHING she would criticize me about, I would respond by saying just wait until the new year.

Eating too much sugar? No problem, in JANUARY I will be a better person.

Not working out? No problem, in JANUARY I will be a better person.

I would spend the last week of December planning for all the magical changes I would make come January, I would be healthier, more organized, focused, and calm. Because Of course, I want to make all those changes while being calm and peaceful.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

For people with HFA leading up to the new year is the BEST. Full of possibilities, full of ideas, and a borderline delusional belief that we will magically be different people.

January 1st is the day we will finally make ourselves perfect.

So when I woke up on January 1st each year, I not only was hungover from too much celebrating now the deadline had arrived.

NOW I really needed to get my shit together before my Monger figured out that the new year wasn’t really magical. It is like the world’s worst hangover because one, you might actually be hungover from celebrating, and two, you realize all the expectations for change and motivation needed to start NOW.

One look at Facebook or Instagram, and it only gets worse. You’re bombarded by everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions and inspiring words of the year. It seems like the people who have it together only get it more together…

...and the rest of us? Well, the overwhelming message is, YOU ARE NOT OK AND YOU NEED TO BE SOMETHING ELSE. In other words, you MUST CHANGE in order to BE BETTER, and more importantly, ONCE YOU DO CHANGE, THEN YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

All these beliefs are like Cat-nip for those of us with HFA. The memes and messages make it look SO easy. Our BFFs make us believe that it will be magical: Have the desire to change, set the resolution, do the prep work, and poof like magic, we will be different people. It is like magic, the calendar will flip to January, and we will be different people. No wonder I was so depressed. Come the first week of January, I woke up to the realization that if the change was going to happen, I needed to do the work. AND the work was HARD. I was so focused on the outcome of the change how amazing I will BE once the change is done I didn’t account for what it would be like to ACTUALLY stop eating sugar or to work out every morning. I didn’t account for the process of change.

Happy New Year!! Welcome to 2020! All this month, we are talking about Resolutions. For people with High Functioning anxiety, this time of year can be VERY anxiety-provoking, so I want to bring that anxiety out into the open and talk about how we can do it differently.

In this episode, we will be talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions. Throughout the month, you will hear helpful tips and strategies for making small changes in your life without all the hype.

Let’s start with some research statistics. Now, I LOVE research, and research is something that gets misquoted and shifted to fit the expectations of the user. Resolution Research is a great example of this phenomenon. A commonly quoted stat is that the failure rate for New Year’s resolutions is said to be about 80 percent, and most lose their resolve by mid-February.

I saw that sentence quoted over and over in US World Report, Forbes, and numerous blogs. I had to really search to find the source of that quote. The stat is from Research by University of Scranton Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D., internationally recognized as an authority on behavior change and psychotherapy.

In Norcross’s abstract, the actual stat is 77% of people maintained their pledges for 1 week and only 19% for 2 years. So the stat that is quoted is 80% of people fail on their resolutions is a bit more doom and gloom than the reality.

In reality, 19% keep their resolutions for more than 2 years, and those other 77% might keep them longer than one week! Norcross goes on to say that Fifty-three percent of the successful group experienced at least one slip, and the mean number of slips over the 2-year interval was 14. 14 slip-ups!!! 14 do-overs. Fourteen mess-ups, and that was the average which means there were more than 14 slip-ups.

Norcross also found that you are 10-times more likely to change the desired behavior if you make a New Year’s resolution than if you don’t.

According to his research, 46 percent of those making a resolution were successful at changing their target behavior after six months, compared to only 4 percent of adults desiring to change their behavior who did not make a resolution.

And the last bit of research to share is a meta-analysis (I had to look up what a meta-analysis is too, which means they use a statistical approach to combine the results from multiple studies) led by Ayelet Fishbach from the University of Chicago and Cornell University’s Kaitlin Woolley, looked at participants’ commitment to resolutions based on delayed vs. immediate rewards.” They found in layman’s terms that: people were less likely to commit to a goal that didn’t offer an immediate (or at least an immediately obvious) pay-off.

So what we have learned from research is:

Most people who set resolutions quit at them.

Those who are successful at their resolutions frequently mess up and then regroup. They make mistakes frequently.

You are more likely to change if you make an intention about changing. In other words, if you don’t try, you won’t change.

Change is easier when you have immediate gratification.

Now that we know the facts let’s talk resolutions and HFA.

As I shared in the beginning, those of us with HFA LOVE the IDEA of improving ourselves because, in our minds, we have LOTS to improve. The magical myth of new year’s is almost too much to resist. It is like catnip to us. The idea that with the turn of the calendar, all that we dislike about ourselves can be changed. Logically WE KNOW it isn’t true, I mean, we aren’t totally delusional, and yet it addicting.

Knowing the research and knowing that we are addicted to HFA, what can we do about it? How can we not fall prey to the romance of new year’s eve?

Here are my tips:

Be HONEST with yourself notice your tendency to romance New Year’s remember the quote, “wherever you go, there you are.” You are the same person you are now that you will be in February. You didn’t magically change on NYE, and you won’t magically change every.

Change is slow. All change requires baby steps. When you think you have a small step, break it down even smaller. Want to eat healthier? A small step would be to avoid sugar. A smaller step would be to avoid sugar after 7pm. Or avoid sugar after lunch. Do that for a period of time, and then when you have mastered it, make another SMALL change.

Celebrate. Celebrate the small changes. Your Monger will ALWAYS be critical that you didn’t do enough or didn’t do it right. But remember to celebrate the small victories.

You will MESS UP. As research shows, you will mess up. Every time you mess up, use it as a chance to re-calibrate. Do you need to make the goal smaller? Remind yourself that mistakes are part of change.

What if your change this year was to be more kind to yourself? Change is so much easier when we are doing it from a place of kindness. I am going to eat less sugar because I FEEL healthier, or I am going to walk every day because I feel better when I move my body?

I am going to leave you with excerpts from one of my favorite poems: Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

What if your contribution to the world and the fulfillment of your own happiness is not dependent upon discovering a better method of prayer or technique of meditation, not dependent upon reading the right book or attending the right seminar, but upon really seeing and deeply appreciating yourself and the world as they are right now?

How would this affect your search for spiritual development?

What if there is no need to change, no need to try and transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving, or wise?

How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better?

What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature - gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present?

How would this affect how you feel when you wake up in the morning?

What if who you essentially are right now is all that you are ever going to be?

How would this affect how you feel about your future?

What if the essence of who you are and always have been is enough?

How would this affect how you see and feel about your past?

What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

How would this change what you think you have to learn?

It’s all about kindness. If you can be kind to yourself, if you can allow yourself to make mistakes and mess it up and break those changes down to very small increments, resolutions work, they allow you to change, to grow, to become a different person.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be better. You are. Just where you are. And I know that’s impossible to believe with high functioning anxiety, but trust me, I’m going to repeat the quote again from Oriah Mountain Dreamer because it’s one of my favorites. What if the question is not, why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

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High Functioning Anxiety can be at its worst around the New Year. Whether it’s your resolutions or everyone else’s, you can feel yourself regularly cycling through scripts that tell you you’re not good enough unless you’re flawless, constantly available, and solving everyone else’s problems.

I’d love to help you embrace this new year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach. I specialize in helping women like you living with High Functioning Anxiety to let go and make peace themselves.

Plus, coaching with me doesn’t have to take up tons of room in your already full schedule.

Here’s how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.

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