Episode 118: The Joy of Missing Out With Tonya Dalton
In this episode, I chat with Tonya Dalton a productivity expert about her ideas for reducing stress and anxiety when it comes to our to-do list.
I have often fallen for the trap of thinking that a new system–a new calendar, a new journal, a new app–was all that I needed to keep me organized and bring order to the chaos.
But all around me are piles of half-filled calendars, abandoned bullet journals, and long lost apps–the evidence of well-meaning systems that I started only to later abandon.
I know that it isn’t a flaw in the systems that’s the problem. It’s my own lack of commitment to these systems that is the problem. I know this truth, and yet I still struggle to live in that place. It is so much easier to just blame the freaking system.
In January we are inundated with the new year, new you message. It is a time when starting a new system for change is particularly alluring. And all this month we have been taking a different look at how change works.
We’ve covered: setting New Year’s resolutions without succumbing to the hype, working through our challenges so that we can live a life that is true to our values, what Mr. Rogers can teach us about slowing down and being present, and how the concept of Spiraling Up can be applied to a life long of growth and change.
I thought it would be nice to end the month on a conversation with Tonya.
Tonya Dalton is a productivity expert, author, speaker, and founder of inkWELL Press Productivity Co, a company centered around productivity tools and training.
So, of course, when I started reading her book, The Joy of Missing Out, I was hopeful that Tonya could fix me with a shiny new system for finding joy in doing less. I soon realized that wasn't the case.
Instead, Tonya gets it. She understands the struggle. She isn’t about some “all you have to do is follow my system and you will be cured” way of thinking.
As you know, like most of my clients, my BS meter is pretty, and when I was reading Tonya’s book, it was like Tonya was reading my mind. Every objection I had, she had a way to make it approachable and doable.
Listen in to see which ones I've added to my life, and at the end of the interview, I'll share how it's still going.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
What Tonya has to say about our love with the to-do list and how to think about it differently.
Why Tonya is so passionate about productivity.
What she sometimes calls ‘million-dollar minutes’ and how it will help you think about your time differently.
And how to work with resistance and the process of change
Research and resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
Tonya: Life happens and things shift and things change. And so you have to allow for that ebb and flow of life. And I know that can be a challenge if you are dealing with a lot of anxiety and you want to do the same thing every single day.
Nancy: So often when a client gets overwhelmed, they say to me, I think I just need a new system, a new calendar, a new app, something that will keep me more organized.
Oh my gosh, can I relate to that idea! I have lost many afternoons. Looking for a new system. I have piles of half-filled calendars and long lost applications. It isn't about the system. It is about your commitment to doing the system. I know that truth, and yet I struggle to live in that place. It's so much easier to blame the freaking system, which is why I was so intrigued to chat with Tonya Dalton about her book, the joy of missing out.
You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.
All this month, we have been taking a different look at how change works. January is a time when we're inundated with new year, new you a fresh start, change everything about you, and then you'll be happy messages.
I thought it would be nice to end the month with a conversation with Tonya Dalton. Tonya is a productivity expert and she runs the business inkwell press. So of course, when I started reading her book, The Joy of Missing Out, I was hopeful that Tonya could fix me with a shiny new system for finding joy in doing.
But I soon realized that wasn't the case. Instead, Tonya gets it. She understands the struggle. This isn't some, all you have to do is follow my system and you'll be cured. As my BS meter is pretty high as is most of my clients. And it was like, Tonya was reading my mind. Every objection I had, she had a way to make it approachable and doable.
I have implemented some of Tonya's tips and I am still doing them almost three weeks later, which is freaking huge for me. Listen in to see which ones I've added to my life. And at the end of the interview, I'll share how it's still going. Tonya. And I talk about our love with the to-do list and how to think about it differently, why she is so passionate about productivity, something she calls million-dollar minutes and how it will help you think about your time differently and the process of change and working with resistance.
I absolutely love this interview with Tonya, and I know you will too. I'm excited to talk to Tonya from inkwell press. Who's written this amazing book called The Joy of Missing Out, which all of us could could embrace a little bit, some joy of missing out.
I know how you, you said you wrote this book because it's been in you for years and you were willing to get up at four 30 in the morning to write it.
Tell me, why did you write this book?
Tonya: I really wrote it. I feel like it's almost like my love letter to women to say it's okay, where you are. You have absolute permission to be who you are and to live the life you want, but stop acting like you don't have the choices. You actually have the ability to choose the life you want. And here's a roadmap in order to really make that happen. Because I think so often we hear this whole rah, rah, you can do it, you can do everything, you can do all this. And it's hold on a minute. First of all, we don't want to do everything. We're going to wear ourselves out.
But then if there are things that we really want to do, how do we actually make that work? Because we still have to pay the bills. We still have to mow the grass. We still have to do the laundry. How do we actually. Create that life for ourselves. It sounds fabulous. But I felt like I read a lot of books that were like, oh, we need to stop being busy and we need to, and that's obviously one of the things I truly believe in, and we lean into that message in the book, but how in the world do you make that happen?
And that's what I wanted to write for women is how do you actually make that life achievable for you?
Nancy: Yeah, that's what I loved about the book is that I agree there are so many books out there telling us what we need to be doing and my question is constantly, but how, and so you really walk through the, but how of it, and I have implemented some of your tips and it really has made a big difference.
Tonya: I love hearing that, that makes me happy.
Nancy: And so it is just an I had a client recently say to me something like I'm finally going to stop resisting all the stuff you're suggesting for me and actually do it. And I think that's what I'm finding for me is like the daily downloads that you talk about, that's something I've started implementing and I love that concept.
But at some point you have to sit down and be willing to do the daily download. Like it's not just magically going to happen
Tonya: I think that is the thing, , we dream of this life and we're like, oh, I want this. But it takes effort to make it happen. We talk about those three resources that we all have of time, energy, and focus.
So to really affect a change in our lives. We have to apply time, energy, and focus to make that happen. So I love that you're doing the daily download because I think that is truly one of the best ways to end your day and to set up tomorrow for success. It really does build momentum. But that whole idea of, people get caught up in this thought of oh, one more thing to do.
And it doesn't need to be one more thing to do. If it feels like one more thing to do, then don't do it right. Do things that are fulfilling. We want to do things that build that momentum that make us feel good. I think we under value that feeling of satisfaction. When we slip into bed at night, when we our head hits the pillow and we think, you know what, today was a good day, right?
So less things in our day that drive us to that end point. Let's do things that allow oh us to end our days feeling satisfied, because that is something that far too many women don't get in their days. So what the daily download, it really is this idea of celebrating your wins. Really reflecting where you're spending your time, how you're feeling throughout your day, how you're spending your gratitude.
And I walk all through this, through in the book, one of the things that we talk about in the book also is this idea of habits and really establishing these types of routines that happen on a regular basis. One of the first things we talk about with habits is you need to articulate the habit.
What is the habit you want to create? And why do you want to do it? I think so often we set up these routines for ourselves, or we set up these habits or we set up these rituals that we think we are supposed to do that we should do. Oh, I should be journaling. This person tells me I should be journaling.
This person tells me I should be doing this. I should be working out in the morning. We are shoulding all over ourselves.
Here's the thing, figuring out your why do you want to do this? So with the daily download the why there is that it really does allow you to end your day feeling successful. And it sets up tomorrow for success. So if that why is enough that it makes you feel good, you're going to want to do it again.
And really it's such an integral part of my routine because I do it, but I do mine before I leave my office and then I leave it out. So I can use that as my springboard for planning the next day. So when I sit down in the morning and I'm planning out, where am I spending my time today? I'm looking at that.
So first of all, celebrate the wins from yesterday. So that starts my day. Let's say you wake up in the morning and you stub your toe the water in the shower's not hot, you're starting your day, not feeling great. You get in and you're ready to start your planning.
And you're like, oh, you know what? This is a chance for me to reset yesterday was a good day. I'm starting today with some wins. Really it is this idea. Let's do things that feel good. Let's do things that drive us to that life. We really want not the life we think we're supposed to want, not the life that our mother wants for us or a mother-in-law or a boss or whoever else.
What's the life that you are wanting. And what are the things that will make you get closer to that life on a daily basis? We think it's these giant leaps we have to make. It's a small, incremental step. That's what gets us to that ideal life.
Nancy: Yeah. Because that's what I like about the daily download there's a lot of things I like about it.
And, but what I really like about it is I tend to, and I know a lot of my clients tend move so quickly through what we've done. And so we're just constantly on to the next thing. And so I like that the daily download forces me to sit down and be like, these are the things you did today.
Because a lot of times I'll be like, oh, I didn't, I hit two out of the three things. So I'm a loser because I didn't hit all three. And the daily download, I was like, oh, but this is all the stuff you did instead of hitting that third thing that we're winning. And so having that reflection has been really helpful.
Tonya: I love hearing that for you because I think it's so true. So quick to think about the things that we didn't do well, and we forget altogether all the things that we did that were good in the day. And so just taking one minute to stop and really think about what did I do for me. And I talk about this a little bit in the book, When people would say to you oh, what did you do today?
And then you're like, I have no idea what I do. Nothing makes you feel more like a failure then. I don't know what, I don't think I did anything today. So taking a minute to celebrate those accomplishments. To actually pat yourself on the back and say, all right, good work today because you did this, and that, and it doesn't have to be giant things.
It can be little things. It can be, not forgetting to call your mom today to check in on her or, making the kids a healthy lunch today. All of those things are things we're celebrating. They're all things that you're doing, but we tend to just slip them to the side because, ah, this is just what I'm supposed to do, or this is just how life works and let's stop and let's actively celebrate and reflect on it.
Nancy: .Yeah, totally. Yes, because even like yesterday I ran to the grocery store which is something I hate doing and I hate it because it pulls me away from work and it feels like a waste of time. But then in doing the daily download, I was like, Food. Yeah. Yeah. And I found it a good time and to do it, that fit in my schedule.
So it wasn't a waste, also, the other part, and obviously I love the daily downloads because we've spent so much time on them. But the other part is because a lot of what I talk about with my clients is being kind to themselves. And that's what I liked when you have the idea of then reflecting on the day, what worked, what didn't work.
And the idea that you start each day planning each day. I have never heard that before, too, which made so much sense to me. The idea of. What how does this day feel and everything I've heard is go for the whole week.
Tonya: Yeah. Yeah. A lot of the messages we get are about the hustle or they like hustle.
Yeah. Ask anybody how they're doing. They usually answer what the word busy. Which is not an emotion. It's really just, a badge of honors showing them. That they think that they must be doing something if they're busy. And so I really think that's one of the things that's important to eliminate and do away with.
Is this feeling that we are supposed to be busy. Going to the grocery store, like you said, that is a win because you need to eat. But we undervalue. Even though the essential need right there. That's a basic, that's like the bottom of Maslow's pyramid that we absolutely need to be able to eat.
Nancy: Exactly. Yes. Yeah. That's a good point. Okay. So I want to back up a little bit, because I jumped right in to the middle of the book. But I want to, I want my listeners to hear your definition of overwhelmed, because I just loved that.
Tonya: Yeah. Because I do feel like this was the thing is, in talking with women in all different walks of life and all different areas, doing all different kinds of jobs.
I would say to them, how are you feeling about your job or how are you feeling about work or how are you feeling about your business or how you feeling about your home life? And they would answer, oh my God, I'm so overwhelmed. And I think that's true.
We live in this constant state of overwhelm. We're overwhelmed by everything we have to do or overwhelmed by our own to-do lists. We're overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that we feel obligated to take on. And I like to tell people overwhelm isn't having too much to do. It's not knowing where to start.
And I think when you know where to start, you feel so much more competent oh, okay, this is where I'm going to start. And when you create a day and you add a little bit of structure to it, it allows you to know where you're going to start and where you're going to go next.
And there's a lot of empowerment in that idea of knowing where you're going to start knowing what you're going to do next, because there's so many things floating around in our head. In our crazy long to do lists, and we don't know where to start.
So we start with what's easiest or what's going to give us the quickest check mark on our to-do list. And so if we stop and we really figure out, okay, where do I start? What's going to drive me forward in a way that makes me feel successful. If we start there, the overwhelmed just slips away and we stop feeling like we're harried and anxious and worried about what we should be doing.
And instead we're taking action
Nancy: Yeah, I loved your example of the returning the shirt to target and how we would mark that as an urgent task, I think is what we I forgot.
Tonya: Yeah, exactly. Mark it as an escalated task because we think urgent and it's important while it is urgent, it does need to happen.
It's not necessarily important. And I think that's one of the big things that people lose sight of. We think anything and everything that is urgent is also important. And it's not the things that you think are really important aren’t. Things that are truly important are things that are connected to your north star, your mission, your vision, your core values, the things that you want to do to get to that life you want.
They're linked to your goals. They are things that are essential. They have to be done by you. And they're advantageous. They're really going to benefit you. They're an investment in your future. And when you think about something like returning a shirt to Target that doesn't really fit any of those bills.
It doesn't play any of that. And I know people will say yeah, but I'm on a budget. I get that. But you're going to spend, $5 with a gas to go return a 7 99 shirt, which then you're going to spend an hour at target and another hundred thousand. Because we all do it. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. This is the thing is I'm not saying you're not ever going to return the shirt to Target. I'm just saying let's not revolve our day around returning the shirt to Target. Let's do that at the end of our day. Let's first do the tasks that are truly important because that's when we slip into bed with that feeling of satisfaction, when we're doing fewer tasks.
That are important rather than doing many tasks that are unimportant. We get caught up in the numbers we get in that numbers game of how many things did I do instead of what did I do to really drive me toward that life I want. There's a big difference in that.
Nancy: Yes. Yeah. I totally agree. Because when I first read that about the Target shirt, I was like, oh, that's a little, privileged.
Like I'm not going to return the shirt, but then you said like how much money are you spending to get there? And for a 7 99 shirt, which is true and there are a lot of other uses for that shirt and you would go to Target and spend more money.
Tonya: And truly one of the things I think about too is, in the book, we talk about that.
The woman that I spoke to, who's a CEO who says it's not my worth my time. I would just donate it. And like you said, you can look at that as privileged, or you can look at that as, putting forth some good into the world, because what I like to do with things like that is I like to think to myself about the woman who is working all day long, who's working really hard in her life and wants to provide for her family.
Who's going through that thrift store that I've donated to and who happens to find a brand new shirt from Target with the tag on it, that's affordable and in her price range. And I had just given that woman a big win for her day. Yes. For some good into the world, instead of thinking that makes me privileged.
Instead, I think I love that I'm able to do something to brighten someone else's day. I'll never see that woman. I won't get that brief high of her seeing the shirt and seeing her face light up. But I know it's there and that is what helps give me a little satisfaction in my day is I want to do things that impact the world in a positive way.
I want to do things that make a difference and little things like that add up. They make a difference.
Nancy: Absolutely. And when we are head down, checking off the to-do list. We're not doing that.. So let's talk about the to-do list because my clients are huge fans of that. You are not a big fan of the to-do list.
Tonya: . So when I tell people that you need to toss your to do list, it's like an audible gas. It's and I talk about this in the book. It's like the security blanket, right? It's like when Linus’, blanket is in the dryer and he doesn't know what to do.
But here's the thing your, to do list is taking you everywhere, but where you want to go, because it is too long. I can guarantee you right now. If your listeners pull out their to do list, they're going to see there's probably, 48 hours worth of tasks that they think they're going to get done.
And then. Yes, way too long. It's jumbled and unorganized and it's really chaotic. And as we talked about a few minutes ago, overwhelmed, isn't having too much to do. It's not knowing where to start a long to do list. Just confuses you more. So I like to tell people that instead of a, to do list, make a priority list.
Which is essentially a to-do list with intention. It takes the exact same amount of time to create as a to-do list, which you're very intentionally choosing what tasks I'm going to start my day with and what I'm going to end my day with. And so this is the thing it's that whole idea of, you could tackle 50 things if you wanted to, if you were standing in a spot and you took 50 steps, In 50 different directions where you're gonna end up maybe in the same spot, maybe further behind.
But if instead you choose to take five steps, five steps forward in that same direction, where are you going to end up closer to where you want to go? And that's what a priority list does is it shows you what are the first steps you want to take? What's the second step you want to say, what's that third step.
And it gets you closer to where you want to go. So essentially you're taking your to-do list and you're dividing it into three categories or three priority sections of escalate, cultivate and accommodate. And we start our day with escalate, which, we touched on a minute ago, which is those tasks that are important.
So they're driving you towards your goals. They're getting you closer to that ideal life. They're advantageous. They're an investment in you, but they also are urgent. So they're important, but they also have a looming deadline. They're screaming out at you wanting to be taken. So we start our day, taking care of those things.
And then the next part, the next section is our cultivate. So we take care of our escalate tasks. Then we take care of our cultivating tasks. And these are tasks that are also important, just like escalate. So they're driving you towards your goals. They're moving you forward towards that life. You want their advantageous.
But they're not urgent, so they don't have, a deadline. They're not going to be something that's screaming out at you, but this is the area where you're going to see huge leaps and bounds in your personal growth and your professional growth, because they are truly an area where you are cultivating, you are investing in yourself for the future.
So it might be things like, working on your budget for your health. It could be working on your marketing plan. If you own your own business, it could be, working on a project that's not due for three more weeks because that will elevate and you can be creative and all those things.
That's really where we want to spend the majority of our time with things that are important, but are not like screaming deadlines. So we want to spend more of our day there, but because of our to-do list, we take care of the urgent things first and those get pushed aside. So cultivate is that second category.
And then the third category. Is our accommodate. And these are things like returning that shirt to Target. So it is urgent needs to be done. It's not really important. It's not driving you closer to that life. You want. It's just something that is screaming out at you. It's basically 99% of what's in your email inbox right now.
They moment maybe dictate by email and things like that when really most of what's in there is junk or it's, not truly things that are important. So if we start our day at the top with escalates, and then we work on our cultivate tasks, and then we end our day with accommodate tasks or we kind of shoe horn, those accommodate tasks, wherever they can be accommodated in our day.
That means that we're doing most of the most of our day. We're spending our time on important things on things that drive us forward that give that feeling of happiness and satisfaction.
Nancy: That is something I really took away beause I know for me, I spend so much more time, not on those cultivate tasks.
Tonya: I think that's true
Nancy: Yeah. I'm checking off the urgent things, because those give me that hit a dopamine. The immediate, as you talk about that immediate sense of gratification and the cultivate tasks, don't.
Tonya: Cultivate tasks take a little bit longer because they are an investment and we don't get that immediate.
Ah, I felt good, but if set for yourself, let's say you have a project due in three weeks and for your cultivate, area for the, today, you spend 15 minutes working on that project and you say to yourself, I'm going to spend 15 minutes every day, this week doing that.
You're going to get that feeling of satisfaction. When, when you see that work, getting closer to being done and you're able to really truly do your very best work. I think this is a thing we do really get caught up in the numbers. We get caught up in the quantity when really it's quality that wins hands down.
Every single time we want a quality life. We want to create quality that we're putting forth into the world. Whether that's something for our job or time with our families, it really is quality that we should be focusing on.
Nancy: Yeah. And when I've gone and done the daily download. It's the cultivate tasks that I feel the best about.
And I wouldn't have recognized that had I not started the daily downloads, to be honest, because I always am after hunting the hit.
Tonya: We are we're searching for that dopamine hit because it feels good to cross things off your list. This is why people write down things after they've done it just to cross it off the list.
And let's be honest here. I think most people have done that at some point in their lives because it just feels so dang good to just cross that off and be like, yep. When really that means we're using our to-do list as a mood enhancer. We're not using it as a tool to drive us forward.
Nancy: Ah, yes, that's very well said. So that brings me to the idea of stories, because I think that is a big reason we don't do the cultivate tasks. Because the stories we tell ourselves. And they're so prolific. I mean this is a big bulk of my work with clients is on unhooking these stories, but the hardest part of them is catching.
The story. Because they're so familiar, they're so comfortable. We like, I call them like this warm, itchy sweater that we wear and we put it on and it's amazing. And then it starts to get itchy, but by the time it's itchy, we are well into the story So how do you catch the story?
Tonya: I love this question because we all have these stories that we tell ourselves about what what a good boss does or what a good manager does or what a good mom does or what a good friend does. And these stories dictate how we live our life.
And these stories are most often steeped in other people's values and other people's truths and not really realistic for yourself. They're so hard to live up to that. This is part of why we feel like a failure at the end of the day. Even though we were busy all day long. We feel like we didn't do enough because of these stories that we tell ourselves.
So I think one of the things that we can do to really catch those is as we're finding ourselves negative self-talking, which we do, we, oh, you're the worst. I can't believe you did X, Y, and Z, or you did this. What's wrong with you, right? We say these things in our heads. So ugly. We would never say them to our friends.
We would never say them to someone we didn't even like, but we think nothing hang them to ourselves. And so when you catch yourself negative self-talking and you will, because you'll recognize it. You'll be like, I want you to stop and ask yourself, why do I feel like I'm not doing well? Why do I feel what's making me say these things in my head?
And try to uncover and work backwards to what is the story that I am telling myself, if it's, that you didn't know. I don't know. Didn't get the ingredients for dinner that night. Is it that a good mom always has dinner on the table at 6:30 PM because that's not really realistic with the world that we live in, for your job. It's not realistic for the activities that you're doing with your family. It's not realistic for a thousand different things. So we need to go backwards and begin to realize whenever we're feeling this self-talk happening, this negative self-talk stop and ask yourself why. And it's not enough to ask yourself why one time you need to ask yourself why?
I like to say the fifth, why? That's really like a term that we use in operations getting to that fifth. Why you're not going to uncover the story with the first. Why do you feel this way? I'm a bad mom. Why? I'm a bad mom, because I didn't get, dinners the ingredients for them.
Why does that make you a bad mom? It makes me bad and you start working backwards and about during the fourth or fifth, why you're going to get to that story. So you have to peel back those layers of the onion. Ask yourself why again, just harness that inner three-year-old.
Who's always asking why. One more line one more way. And here's the beauty of it is once you can uncover the stories, they lose their power because we are the authors of our own journey. We are the ones who can rewrite our endings and we can rewrite our stories. And that's why it's so powerful and so important to stop and ask yourself why and ask why again and ask why again and let those stories come to life.
So you can realize this is not truly livable. I need to rewrite this story and I need to say something different to myself and then actively choose what you're going to say. Instead, a good mom does her best to get dinner on the table. A good mom tries to get dinner on the table, three times out of the week, that's more livable or more achievable.
Think about what's really gonna work for you and rewrite your stories because you absolutely positively have that ability and you have that strength inside of you. It's all about reframing how you look at it. It's all about shifting your mindset and you have a hundred percent ownership over your mindset and the stories that you tell yourself
Nancy: That fifth why is really a great that's just great.
Over the holiday, I was thinking about the new year and I wasn't real excited about. Resolutions and blah, blah, blah.. I wasn't doing the fifth. Why? Because I didn't know that existed, but I was just kept thinking about what's the story I tell myself around work.
What's the story? And I finally realized it's, I assume I'm always wrong. I'm always going to do it wrong. And so whether that's sending an email or doing this interview, or talking with a client I'm always assuming I'm going to do it wrong. And I was shocked that once I unhooked, once I got it, which took me a long time to get to the root, that was the story.
Once I got to the root. It has, that has shifted. Yeah. And I would not have believed it, that it would shift that quickly.
Tonya: It’s pretty amazing because it's so easy to combat because you can start looking backwards, reflecting and really start to see evidence that proves you wrong.
But you don't do, you don't do anything. Because then you're like this. I did that. I did this. And you actively argue back with yourself essentially and say, I'm not going to listen to this anymore because I know I've done these things. And then again, that ties in that whole idea of the daily download.
Nancy: I was just going to say that!
Tonya: That every day you say what your doing well, what you're doing. And I think there's so much value.
Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. One of the phrases I'll always say is, you're not eight years old because for me, I, because that assumption that I'm always wrong.
I always act like I'm eight years old. Like I entered the world like a little kid and everyone knows better than me but I had to get to the specifics of assuming I'm always wrong to really unhook it like that specifically. Because of the fifth why. It is the key.
Tonya: Yes, I absolutely agree. Bring it to light.
I think this is the thing is those things like the hide in the shadows and you bring them to light and they just shrink up as soon as you acknowledge them, as soon as you take away their power. They, they can't do anything to you anymore. And I think that's really important to remember, if you are dealing with anxiety, where does that come from and what's making you feel this way and really allowing those things to to lose their control over.
Nancy: Yeah. Okay. So I loved your idea of the routines. And when you were talking about getting up in the morning at 4:30 to write your book,
Tonya: crazy, right?
Nancy: Yes Because I was reading it and I was like, oh geez. Yeah, you get up and you have the meditation in bed and right when I'm like, oh geez, you were like, no, Bluebirds are not coming out of my computer the mice are not, magically singing. And I was like, okay, good. that made me think, she gets this is hard. And so a lot of the people that I deal with high functioning anxiety really have that all or nothing mentality.
And so when they set a routine, they need to do it every morning. It needs to be, they need to be loving it. They have all these, again, those stories. And you talk a lot about flexibility. So talk more about any suggestions on how to allow more flexibility. Because I loved how you really address that in the book, which was awesome.
Tonya: Yeah you're right. I use the word flexibility all the time because you know what? Life needs flexibility. It is life. Things happen and things shift and things change and sometimes emergencies pop up or sometimes you're just too dang, tired to get out of bed, so you have to allow for that ebb and flow of life.
And I know that can be a challenge. If you are dealing with a lot of anxiety and you want to do the same thing every single day. So there's a couple of things that you can really do to build in a little bit of that flexibility into your day. First of all, I really advocate having two versions of your routine of your morning routine and your evening routine.
Or any routine that you have into the Workday routine, whatever it is, your longer routine is like everything you really want to do. And it feels really good. Whether that's, enjoying your cup of coffee while, sitting on the porch or, maybe it's reading a book for 15 minutes or maybe it's journaling for 10 minutes, or maybe it's taking an extra long shower.
Whatever it is, it needs to fit you and what you want. There's no special formula. There's no special magic that everybody has to do. You do what works for you. So have a longer routine that really does nourish all of those bits. It's really important to also have a little dose of reality here that not every day is going to be made of sunshine and lollipops.
We need to make sure I'd have a shorter routine day that works for us as well. So it really does pull out the key components of your longer routine. Maybe on your longer routine day, you take a, like an eight minute shower and you journal for 15 minutes and you spend 10 minutes reading your copy.
Maybe your shorter routine is. You take a five minute shower and you journal for only five minutes or you don't journal at all. And instead you do the time with your coffee, really prioritize what's most important to you. Maybe your long routine takes an hour to do or an hour and a half we'll say.
And then your shorter routine. 30 45 minutes at the very most that allows a little bit of that flexibility that you're still doing your routine. You're still pulling some of the things that are truly important to you because this is what I love about morning routines. Let's put some things in our morning routine that make us feel good that really inspire us.
That could easily be, let's say you're a creative person that you want 10 minutes to just doodle and draw on, on a notepad. Build that into your morning routine. Maybe it is listening to a podcast episode or reading a devotional or whatever it is, build that in. That feels good to you.
It's all about customizing things that work for you. So have a longer routine and have a shorter routine. And then throughout the day, the other thing that you can really do to build in this flexibility is add buffers to your time. So let's say that you think a task is going to take you an hour to do build it into an hour and 15 minutes.
On your calendar and when you finish it in an hour, what you're gonna do is you're gonna take that 15 minutes and you're going to bank it up, either do something that you want with that time, or save that 15 minutes for later on at the end of the day and save up. I like to say you can save them up like little pennies, 15 minutes here, five minutes there.
So the end of the day you do something really nice for you. Build in a little bit of that flexibility when you're making your calendar. And I think that's why it's so important to me that you plan each day as it comes, you have to treat each day as a new gift, as a new opportunity, as a chance for you to do what it is you want to do.
And by planning out each day, you get that flexibility in your life today feels like a great day. I'm going to do more of these things. Or, you know what, today doesn't feel so good. It's not a good day. I'm going to do fewer tasks. That's okay. We don't have to do the same number of things every single day.
We don't do everything exactly the same every day. Let's do what really works for you and let's make your life really work for you. And I think this is why so often. People balk at the idea of routine. I think it's so structured and so rigid and there's no room in there and I'm like, no, let's make the structure like a building, buildings.
Are designed to withstand, earthquakes and things like that. They're designed to move and shift with the wind a little bit. We need a little bit of that in our lives. You can still have that structure. You can still have that framework, but give it a little bit of looseness. So it really fits you.
Nancy: Yeah. Love that idea of the two different routines. Because that really answers the question, that's a baby step for my listeners of breaking out of that rigidity. Yeah. And giving them a taste of flexibility without going the whole hog into do whatever you want.
Like it's an intentional kind of like in between.
Tonya: Thing is, you talked about the fact that I was getting up at 4:30 in the morning. I was really excited about writing. That was that's so fulfilling to me, like getting to write was like, oh, it feels so good for the kids.
Get up before the rat race of getting them out the door. Everything else, but I wasn't planning on doing the 4:30 routine every single day. I committed to doing it three times a week and I had a different routine for those other days during the week. And if I wanted to get up four days in the week and write then I did it, but if I didn't want to, that was okay too.
You have to give yourself permission to be used. And I think we forget that we have that ability to give ourselves that permission.
Nancy: Yeah. Yes. Because that's, what I work a lot with my clients on is in is a lot of what you're talking about is building a self loyalty, building a loyalty with ourselves.
We would get up at 4:30 for our kids, for our spouse to help them accomplish their goals, but we wouldn't do it for ourselves.
Tonya: Yes. We ended up outside of ourselves and our own needs because, we give, and then we feel guilty. And we really need to make sure that we understand too, that when we take care of our wants and our needs, when we get ourselves to a place that feels healthy and good, we're able to give our very best version to everybody else.
So when you take care of yourself, you can then take care of everybody else. Everybody else can be taken care of because you have charged your batteries. You cannot shine your light on everyone else. If your batteries need recharging. And I think we have to remember that.
Nancy: Yeah. Because I love the idea of even on the how you work.
Because I thought you were going to say, oh, it's so on the light day that the shorter routine, you just get the kids out and take care of business, but you still, even on your short routine you do something for you. Journal or yeah. Yeah. Which is awesome, which brings me to the idea of million dollar minutes.
I loved that phrase. Tell me more about that.
Tonya: Really for me and I talk about this in my morning routine, I have this time it's about nine to 10. That I call my million dollar minutes with my husband where I'm already up. I'm, I'm working on writing my book. I go and I wake the kids up and then I slip back into bed with my husband.
And it seems crazy to get back into bed, started your day, and you've already gotten up and brush your teeth. When I get back into bed with him and I spend 10 minutes on my marriage with intention. So we lay in the bed, we laugh, we maybe talk. Sometimes we just sit there and snuggle together. But it's time for me to give him 100% of my attention and I call it million dollar minutes, because I know if that time was taken away tomorrow, I would happily pay a million dollars to get it back.
And I don't even have a million dollars. And I think there's these million dollar minutes throughout our day, when the your kid comes and sits next to you on the couch and wants to talk about their day at school. And they don't normally want to talk about their day at school, but they want to talk to you.
That's the time where you're like, you're going to miss that. And in the hairiness of our everyday lives and the rushing after our to-do list, we don't think we have time to stop. Put our phone down or in the other room turn and look our children in the eye and say, tell me more. That's a million dollar a minute because you know what, when your kids have grown and left the house, you're going to pine for that.
You're going to want for that. And you're going to, you're going to miss it. So let's actively create those spaces for ourselves. Let's think about what are the million dollar minutes in our day and let's grab hold of them and squeeze every last dime out of that million dollar minute.
Nancy: Yeah. And again, to keep going back to my favorite thing from your book, the daily download allows you to find those million dollar minutes, because you're reflecting on your day and can be like, oh, here was one and here was one and here was one. Yes. And then capitalize on those moving forward. So again, I, obviously I love that daily download because it. Really helps me be more intentional.
Tonya: Yes. And that's what I like to tell people. When they ask me what I do, I like to tell them, I teach people. I teach women about productivity. I like to say I'm redefining productivity for women, but really you come in the door and I go, Hey, listen. It's really about intentional living. It's really about being mindful.
It really is about, not managing our time, but instead savoring the moments let's choose to be an active participant in our everyday lives. And let's find the joy. That's already there that we're missing because life is going so fast. Let's slow it down. Find the joy in our everyday lives.
That's the joy of missing out, right? Craziness, choosing to miss out on the long to-do list, choosing to miss out on the obligations that you said yes to you out of guilt instead of out of desire and want let's instead, choose to find the joy because there's already joy in your life. I can guarantee you, there are pockets of happiness hidden in your everyday life.
If you stop and take notice, you're going to enjoy life so much more.
Nancy: At the beginning of this conversation, I was going to, I think about when I thought about the planning each day, that is anxiety provoking for me because everyone tells me I should be planning the whole week.
And everyone tells me that I should be on top of things. And so planning each day sounds a little loosey goosey, but in our conversation I'm like, yeah, planning each day really brings to focus that intention.
Tonya: Yes, it really does because you can create your day with intention. You can either actively choose to carve out like these million-dollar minutes.
You know what, after school today, let's say you have three kids, today is I'm going to spend 10 minutes with child number two today, after school. And I'm going to give them 10 minutes of my undivided attention, and here's the thing is every day is different. So why do we think that we can plan out the day.
Five days ahead of time, you don't know how you're going to wake up. You don't know if you're going to have, a sick kid crawling into your bed at three o'clock in the morning. If you're going to have allergies and cold, you don't know if it's going to be one of those days. You just don't feel like doing anything.
We all have those days. So allow yourself the grace allow yourself the choice to really make the day work for you. Whatever that day may be.
Nancy: Because that I think so many because of our, because of so many of my clients with the anxiety treat themselves like a machine and planning each day. My thought would be even if my kid wakes me up at 3:00 AM, I still should be up and on my game, the same.
Tonya: Yeah, right
And I'm like, and it's ok not to be. Again this is probably tied to a story. A good mom gets up with her kids and make sure, you know what my story is, a good mom empowers her children to be able to get themselves up and to be able to create, their own breakfast. That's my story, that I've rewritten for myself.
So if I am having an off day and I need to lay in bed for 15 minutes longer, my kids can get started with their day. And I feel okay with that because I am empowering them. I'm giving them the tools. They need to be able to go on into life and fly my nest and be good productive adults. And I think that's the thing is we believe that we have to be the cruise director.
We have to manage everything. And when you give your family that ability to manage themselves, that is a gift that is really a tool you're putting in their toolbox to be able to go off into the world and be self-sufficient to be capable and able to create their own. And so we have to reframe again, it's that whole idea of mindset, right?
And the choices we make and the way that we talk to ourselves, we have to reframe that. And we have that ability to do that and look at how this is a benefit to other people that you're allowing them to get themselves up. Stop shoulding on yourself. You got to stop
Nancy: And that you're teaching your kids, that we're humans and that we have different needs.
And I could, I needed to take care of myself and not just be a machine.
Tonya: You're teaching your kids. If you are getting up and you are revolving your whole life around them, what are you teaching them about your value? What are you teaching them that life looks like when they're an adult, when they're a parent, how they're supposed to be, we're role modeling on a constant basis.
Giving them that ability to take care of things on their own is a gift. That's so much freedom. I feel like it's just like a weight lifted off of you to be able to say, okay, you can take care of this on your own go off into the world.
Nancy: Exactly. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This thank you so much for taking the time.
To talk about this stuff. And, I can not recommend this book enough. And I have of blue library full of self-help books and productivity books. And this is one of the best I've ever read as because, because you really answer that. But how and question, which I think is so important and there's.
And you make it so approachable that I can pick and choose, all I'm doing is the daily download and the planning each day concepts, because those stuck out to me, but then there's more, it has a depth to it. Yeah.
Tonya: We don’t want to try to do everything all at once anyways. Because again, we're going to get overwhelmed.
So start with one thing that you pulled from the book, then add two and then. And make it, so it really works for you and pick and choose what does work for you, what doesn't work for you.
Nancy: Because that's what I appreciated it because so many times it's I even have a blog post that I wrote that says you don't need another system because my clients will be like, I just need a system and then everything will be better.
And your book is really looking at the whole picture and not just, you need to do step 1, 2, 3, 4, and then your problems will be solved..
Tonya: Yeah, there's no magic button Sorry. Yes. No, sorry. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but there is no magic button, no magic system that just takes it all away and makes life easy.
Like we said earlier. It takes a little bit of work. It takes some effort to, to change your mindsets, but we're really, when you do that, when you start creating a life for yourself, that feels meaningful, it is rewarding.
Nancy: Yeah, it, yeah. So I can't say enough. Good things. Thank you so much for taking the time.
And writing this book, getting up at 4:30 in the morning, (Laughing)
Tonya: Happy to do it. but thank you so much for having me on the show. I appreciate it.
Nancy: As you heard in the interview, I have added the daily download to my routine. I confess I'm still trying to make it a regular part of my routine because I frequently just forget to do it.
But when I do it, it is a total game changer. So I have a lot of motivation to keep carrying on. I have found that the more I slow down and intentionally plan, the more I accomplish. And I have also found that even though I know intentional planning works best, I still am drawn to that. Gosh, darn to-do list and the hit of dopamine from it.
But that hit does not even come close to matching the feeling of working with thoughtfully towards my goals. So as a reminder, this is all about making slow, intentional changes and remembering the power of spiraling.