Episode 121: The 3 Steps of A.S.K.: Kindly Pulling Back
In today’s episode, we continue our discussion of A.S.K. with the third step of the system: Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture
No matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, every now and then we make a mistake.
Mistakes happen and when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves–telling ourselves things like: I'm such a failure, I deserve to be fired, I am a terrible parent.
Sometimes we can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn't matter in the long run.
But then there are the times when we really mess up. When we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters. We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse.
What happens when we really mess up and can't just rationalize our way out of it? When our inner voice isn't making a mountain out of a molehill? When our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions?
How do we ever get past this? What's next?
This episode is about the big mistakes. It's about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations. Calm your anxiety and feel better.
Today, we're finishing up this three-part series on the A.S.K. method for dealing with your High Functioning Anxiety by examining the third step: kindly pull back and see the big picture. I talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we really mess up.
Can kindness really pull us out of that?
Yes, it can.
If you haven’t already, take the time to go back and listen to the first two episodes in this series: Acknowledging Your Feelings and Slow Down and Get Into Your Body.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
What to do when we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters
How no amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes any better
How kindly pulling back to see the big picture allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom
How to lean on the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan – Kindness, Forgiveness, and Curiosity
Some of the research and resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
Every now and then, we make a mistake.
Yes, no matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, mistakes happen.
And when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves.
“I’m such a failure.”
“I deserve to be fired.”
“I’m a terrible parent.”
Sometimes, we catch ourselves. We realize that we’re overreacting. We can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn’t matter in the long run.
And then there are times when we really mess up. We legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters.
We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse.
Our inner voice isn’t making a mountain out of a molehill.
Our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions.
What next? How do you ever get past that?
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
This episode isn’t about the small mistakes and the way we talk to ourselves in those situations.
This episode is about the big mistakes. It’s about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations, calm your anxiety, and feel better.
Let’s get back to your inner voice. I call the inner voice that likes to remind you how horrible you are and what a big failure you’ve become, the Monger.
Frequently when I talk about the Monger, I use an example of something that doesn’t REALLY matter but does matter to our Monger. Something like forgetting someone’s birthday or calling someone by the wrong name. But what happens when we REALLY mess up when we can’t just rationalize our way out of it.
Today, we’re finishing up this 3-part series on the A.S.K. Method for dealing with your high-functioning anxiety by examining the 3rd step: Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
I want to talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we REALLY mess up. Can kindness really pull us out of that? You might be surprised to hear me say yes. Yes, it can.
In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. All this month, we will be talking about HOW to do that. We will be diving deeper into my 3 step A.S.K. system for calling in the Biggest Fan.
In the past 2 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the first step A. Acknowledge your Feelings and the second step S. Slow Down and get into your body.
, if you missed it, please go back and give it a listen. This week we are talking about the third step – K-Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
When we are performing from a place of anxiety, or when our Monger is beating us up for doing it wrong, our world view shrinks down to tunnel vision. It is almost as if someone puts blinders on us, and we have tunnel vision. When we are operating from that tunnel vision, we look externally for answers, we tell ourselves if we accomplish more or do it better, we will feel better. So here is a common example of this phenomenon:
You are behind at work. Your team missed a deadline, and the next deadline is looming ahead. Your Monger keeps reminding you that you are going to get fired, and your boss thinks you are slow. So you decide you need to become a better manager. You spend time researching a bunch of podcasts that you think will help, and on your way home from work, you call your best friend and your sister to vent your frustration and see if they have any help. They detail their systems and offer more resources for you to get more done. Sounds helpful, right? Obviously, you NEED a better time management system and tips on being a better manager. And it does help for a moment. By the time you get home, your Monger is quieter, and you go through the evening tasks with plans to dive into these resources before bed. And then it hits you, wait a minute. I don’t have time to read or listen to all these resources, I have stuff I have to do and deadlines to meet, and your Monger goes crazy, slamming you yet again for piling on and heading down the wrong path. At this point, you have a choice, you can call another friend and get more input (which I have certainly done), or you can slow down and check-in with yourself to figure out how best to solve this problem (aka call in your biggest fan)
I hear this example all the time; Hell, I have lived this example numerous times. Because people with HFA learned early on, we can’t be trusted. We have to find the answer outside of ourselves, we are losers, and everyone else knows better than us. That is why A.S.K. is so powerful. The process of A.S.K. reconnects us with ourselves. It forces us to acknowledge what is going on internally. To allow our feelings, get out of our heads and see a bigger picture where our Monger isn’t running the show our Biggest Fan is.
One of the keys to decreasing HFA is building loyalty with yourself, trusting yourself, and connecting with yourself rather than always looking outside of yourself for the “better” answer. A.S.K. is the jumping-off point to build that self-loyalty.
This is where the first 2 steps come in Acknowledge what you are feeling and Slow Down and get into your body are both designed for you to look internally and honor what is going on in your own body and mind. And then the last step, Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture, allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom.
This last step is where the Biggest Fan shows her kindness and wisdom. So what does this look like, you might be wondering? Here are some signs:
Our Biggest Fan doesn’t use shame and belittling when looking at options. There is no “should” or “other people do it” in her vocabulary.
She always has our best interests at heart. She is kind, not judgmental, and she doesn’t lead us down a path that will hurt us eventually (like our BFF might).
In episode 112, I talk more about the Biggest Fan and what I mean when I talk about her.
So what does it mean to Kindly pull back and see the big picture?
I like to think of it as seeing in color, Our Monger forces us to look at the world in black and white, where there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. This is why we are so attracted to the idea of finding the right way. Yes, our Monger has consistently told us the lie that there is a right way. And when we get too overwhelmed with beating ourselves up, we ping pong over to the voice of the BFF, who gives us a much-needed rest but also throws in a bit of self-sabotage. So when your Monger tells you, of course, you are going to get fired for missing all these deadlines, your BFF jumps in with a screw it, let’s just take a long lunch. And so you take a long lunch with a co-worker, spending much of the lunch talking smack about one of your employees and blaming her for all the delays and missed deadline. By the time you get back from lunch, you are further behind, feeling like a bad manager for talking smack and hammered even harder from your Monger.
Neither of these voices have your best interest at heart. Your Monger is looking externally at what needs to be done, and your BFF always looking to give you a break and, in that spirit, also a little sabotage. Both your Monger and BFF live in black and white. Luckily, our Biggest Fan sees the other colors and lives in the middle world where happier, stress-free options are available.
So let’s look at the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan
The first trait is Kindness:
Now I know this sounds obvious because the step is Kindly pull back to see the big picture. But this kindness piece is the key. Talking with kindness to yourself is probably not your go-to response. So what does that even look like? One of the ways I have found to do this is by paying attention to my physical positioning. When we are in the throws of our Monger and in that go-go-go mentality, our energy is focused outward. We are keyed up, our posture is pushed forward, our shoulders are tight, we walk faster, we clench our jaw and our fists our energy is elevated. When we are being kind to ourselves, our energy becomes softer. Our shoulders fall, our jaw unclenches, we immediately feel seen and heard and can take a big exhale.
Kindness looks like,
“I know this is hard.”
“It sucks to be this overwhelmed.”
“Feeling out of control is the WORST.”
“Missing a deadline is just so annoying.”
“Disappointing your husband is so embarrassing.”
“We can fix this.”
Kindness isn’t immediately about solving the problem it is just about saying, “Hey, I see you over there doing the best you can with what you have. I see you making mistakes, being disappointed in yourself, and that sucks.”
It feels foreign. It feels strange. And once you get in the practice of it, it is a game-changer.
The 2nd trait is Forgiveness.
We mistakenly have the belief that if we give ourselves forgiveness, we are giving ourselves slack. This is the big mindset difference of the biggest fan. We have lived far too long with either the voice of our Monger who offers us shame and belittling, slowly tearing apart and dissecting each and every mistake with the intent that by doing this, we won’t make the same mistake again. But in reality, all this shaming and belittling does is make us feel defeated. So we jump to our BFF. In order to help us feel better after the belittling of our Monger, our BFF offers us justification, and frequently she can come up with someone else to blame. Which again is not helpful.
Our Biggest Fan offers us forgiveness she recognizes that we are HUMAN and humans make mistakes. When we can give ourselves forgiveness for making a mistake, we can move past the mistake itself and figure out where to make changes next time and how to learn and grow.
Now before you think forgiveness just happens in a poof, all is forgiven way (especially when we are talking about one of these bigger mess-ups), I want to remind you of the story of the broken plate. You go to someone’s house, and you accidentally break a plate, you apologize, you pick up the pieces, you might even be able to glue it back together, but the plate is still broken. The mistake lives on.
You might be thinking, ouch, that is a Monger story for sure. If I mess up, I can never make it right, and I will live forever to beat myself up.
But your Biggest Fan sees that story differently. You messed up; you broke a plate, that sucks because it was an accident. You apologize to your friend, you hug her as she cries because it turns out it was her grandmother’s plate. But you cannot repair it completely. AND beating yourself up about it does nothing IT IS STILL a broken plate. No matter how much you apologize or fix it. But what does help? Kindness. Understanding. Showing up and admitting your mistakes.
Here is the lesson, we have to forgive ourselves. If we don’t forgive ourselves, we can’t be there for people we hurt. We can’t show up to do it differently because we are so wrapped up in beating ourselves up.
The 3rd trait is Curiosity.
After we forgive ourselves for being human and making a mistake, we need to be curious. The Biggest Fan is always encouraging you to be curious. She sees everything as an experiment. There is no judgment. Right and wrong don’t exist. Every situation offers a chance to provide more wisdom.
Curiosity is a key part of K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture. Too often, our Monger steps in and uses curiosity as a way to be judgmental.
The question isn’t “Why did this happen?” (which leads to more judgment and shame), it’s “What could I do differently? How can I improve the outcome?
Asking these questions allows you to come up with new ideas and options.
As I have said before, one of the ways to recognize your Monger is she talks in absolutes, she puts those blinders on so that you have tunnel vision. A powerful way around that is to use the word And.
And allows you to take two opposing ideas and make them one thought.
I want to work out, and right now, I am tired. Both are true.
I want to eat an ice cream sundae, and I know ice cream upsets my stomach. Both are true.
I feel like a terrible manager since I missed the deadline, AND sometimes I mess up and drop the ball.
So going back to your unproductive morning at work and your long lunch where your BFF and Monger are arguing. You want to Kindly pull back to see the Big picture, you can say to yourself ok, maybe the long lunch wasn’t the best idea, and honestly, getting to work early on a Monday is a bit unrealistic (forgiveness). Regrouping, what do I need to get done today to feel good about the day. You decide on 2 different to-dos on your list. And you are going to use the rest of the day as an experiment to see how long it takes you to REALLY complete a task vs. how long your Monger thinks it will take you (curiosity). You shut your door and set the timer for 30 minutes, shut off your music (because yes, you love listening to it, but it is distracting, turn off your email notifications and buckle down. When your timer goes off, you stand up and take a walk around the office and reflect on how it is going (Kindness). You realize maybe your expectations are out of whack. Maybe when you are setting deadlines, you are setting your expectations too high. You decide you need to meet with your team and re-visit the deadlines you have for the future. By the end of the day, you leave feeling accomplished and far less shame-filled.
Here’s the truth that is so hard to hold on to. You are human. You make mistakes. No amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes (yes, even the big ones) any better. The ONLY thing that helps is being kind, forgiving yourself, and having curiosity.
So the next time you hear your Monger chatting, practice A.S.K.
A. Acknowledge what you are feeling
B. Slow Down and Get into your body
C. Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.
Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.
And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.
Mixed messages, am I right?
I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.
And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.
I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.
The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.
Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.
Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!