Episode 117: You Aren’t Failing, You’re Spiraling Up
In this episode, we're going to look at how change works and specifically how the concept of spiraling up can be applied to the lifelong project of growth and change. How you can step up to new challenges with a new perspective and remind yourself that you aren't failing–you're just spiraling up.
Do you ever feel like you're repeating the same lessons over and over again?
Do you feel like the stuff you worked on 5, 10, or even 20 years ago has a way of coming back, even though you thought you'd found the solution?
There's a very good reason for that and, no, it’s not because you're broken.
It’s because change isn’t one and done. It’s ongoing.
It’s because of a concept that I call Spiraling Up.
It can often feel like we are relearning the same lesson over and over, but really we're experiencing a different level of that lesson–new situations, new challenges at a new level of insight.
Change is like ascending a spiral stare case that presents us with new challenges the higher we climb. It’s not that we are relearning an old lesson, it’s that through life we are being presented with a new and higher level of that lesson.
In this episode, we're going to look at how change works and specifically how the concept of spiraling up can be applied to the lifelong project of growth and change. How you can step up to new challenges with a new perspective and remind yourself that you aren't failing–you're just spiraling up.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How having to re-visit life-lesson does not mean that we are broken
How while we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information
What to do when we get stressed and overwhelmed and our triggers and patterns are more likely to reveal themselves
What the research shows about the change that results from our life experiences, and how that change often leans in a positive, helpful direction
How the process of change takes an unpredictable, non-linear path
Research and resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
Do you ever feel like you’re learning lessons over again? Like the stuff, you worked on 5, 10, or even 20 years ago has a way of coming back--even though you THOUGHT you’d found the solution?
There’s a very good reason for that. And don’t worry--it does NOT mean that you’re broken. I’ll tell you why we end up learning lessons over again soon--but first, a story.”
Sarah had worked for months on decreasing her tendency to please people. She had grown up in a chaotic home, and one of the ways she maintained control was by becoming really good at mind reading. Although as a child she walked on eggshells around her Mom, she also had an uncanny talent in predicting what would set her Mom off and worked hard to make sure none of those things happened. She could read her Mom and fine-tuned her skill in knowing when her Mom was upset, figuring out what caused it, and doing whatever was in her power to change the situation. She learned at an early age that mind-reading led to a happy Mom led to a less chaotic life. Sarah figured out that one of the ways to decrease the feelings of anxiety was to make sure everyone around her was happy. So it wasn’t long before her mindreading and people please extended to her friends, siblings, teachers, and anyone else she could come in contact with. Sarah was a master people pleaser, and it was exhausting. So through therapy, Sarah was able to see the pattern, recognize where it came from and why it was such a strong pull for her to make others happy. Sarah was healed, or so she thought, through therapy, she knew where her people-pleasing came from and that it wasn’t serving her anymore. She learned to recognize it, take action and stop the pattern, That is until recently.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
Sarah has hit a rough patch at work. To put it mildly, she is overwhelmed. Deadlines looming, staff not cooperating, miscommunication, you name it, it has gone wrong lately. Not to mention all the pressure Sarah is putting on herself for the new year. She was going to work out more and eat better, and try to stop taking everything out on her spouse. Sarah’s anxiety is through the roof, and before she knows it, that old pattern of people-pleasing is rearing its ugly head. Sarah starts staying late to cover for her staff, and when her new boss asks what is going on and why one of her staff is chronically late, Sarah makes excuses for her and explains that she is just having a tough time right now, but Sarah knows she will get it together. Sarah spends way too much of her time away from work analyzing how she can make it better, what she needs to do to change and how she can fix the problems that are plaguing her organization. Eventually, her spouse says to her, What is going on? You have been more stressed than usual and aren’t present at all when you come home. Sarah realizes she is back people-pleasing again. She isn’t saying no, her boundaries are out the window and her anxiety is through the roof. She realizes her new boss is a lot like her Mom, demanding, unpredictable, and unaware of how her actions affect the staff. So Sarah has stepped in to smooth everything over, she knows her staff is walking on eggshells, and as if she were 8 years old again there she is protecting everyone around her and not taking care of herself at all.
Sarah immediately starts beating herself up. I thought I had fixed this problem! I thought I was healed.
Well, here is the truth for Sarah. We all have patterns and triggers, and when we get stressed and overwhelmed, these triggers and patterns come out. The process of change isn’t linear. It isn’t like we learn a lesson, and we are done, we are ever-changing, ever-learning, ever getting triggered. Sarah hasn’t forgotten all she learned in therapy. She hasn’t gone back to zero. She is just learning this lesson again, from a different place. I call this Spiraling Up.
All this month, we are taking a different look at how change works. January is a time when we are inundated with new year, new you, a fresh start, change everything about you, and THEN you will be happy messages. In today’s episode, we are going to look at how change works, and specifically one of my favorite ideas around change, spiraling up.
One thing with change that rarely gets mentioned is a concept I call Spiraling Up. Visualize a spiral staircase and think of that spiral staircase as the lesson of people-pleasing. At the bottom of the staircase is people-pleasing unchecked; this was Sarah prior to going to therapy, she would react unconsciously to stressful situations by going into mind reading and people-pleasing. This was her go-to coping mechanism for her anxiety. After therapy, Sarah can see how her people-pleasing works to decrease her anxiety, that it came from her relationship with her Mom, and that it is something she can stop doing when she recognizes it. As Sarah goes through life, she notices herself people-pleasing, implements the strategies she learned in therapy such as paying attention to her needs, setting clear boundaries, staying in her own car, and she travels up the staircase. She can now interact with her Mom without getting overcome with triggers (it isn’t easy, but she can see when she starts mind reading for her Mom and make a shift)
But at some point, she will get snagged as she did recently with her new boss and work. So it might feel like Sarah is back to square one, but in reality, she has climbed up the spiral staircase and is learning this lesson at a different level. She mastered the lesson when it has to do with her Mom (for the most part), but now she is learning how to implement this lesson with someone different from her Mom.
At this point, you might be asking, is change even possible? Brent Rogers, a researcher from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, believes it is and has done a longitudinal research project to confirm his theory that personality change is cumulative over our lifespan. His study followed people over the span of 50 years, measuring how their personality shifted using what personality researchers call the big five personality traits.
Extraversion: How outgoing, social, cheerful, or full of energy and enthusiasm you are in social settings.
Agreeableness: How warm, friendly, helpful, generous, and tactful you are.
Emotional stability (or its opposite, neuroticism): How calm, content, and unflappable—versus anxious, angry, jealous, lonely, or insecure—you are.
Conscientiousness: How organized, efficient, and committed you are to finishing projects or reaching your goals.
Openness to experience: How curious, adventuresome, and receptive you are to new ideas, emotions, and experiences.
His research showed that change happens in response to our life experiences and often leans in a positive, helpful direction. Researchers found that people’s personalities did change, especially in the areas of emotional stability, conscientiousness, and agreeableness, but they weren’t dramatic changes. They were small, manageable changes made over time.
Change isn’t one and done. It is on-going. We might come back to the lesson, and it might feel like we are relearning the same lesson, but really, we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight, a new situation, a new challenge. And then, when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.
You will have leveled up into a more difficult area, but still, the lesson will seem familiar.
The tendency is for Sarah to get stuck in frustration and disappointment that ugh! She has to work on this issue again in a different setting. This is a time when her Monger, aka inner critic, can get VERY LOUD. Telling her that she wasted money on therapy, she is a loser who never will get this figured out, and she is doomed to be a people-pleasing freak forever. Yep, that Monger is so mean! So at this point, she either decides to give up and admit defeat or bring in her Biggest Fan (her inner voice of compassion and wisdom), who reminds of the power of spiraling up, and the key to change is leaning into that discomfort.
Stanford University psychologist Dr. Kelly McGonigal is an expert on how our brain makes changes, and in her books and Tedx talk, she shares how a key part of change is embracing the discomfort of it. Let’s face it, change is uncomfortable and even more so when we realize that change is on-going. In all honesty, Sarah will be learning and re-learning this lesson of people-pleasing throughout her life. It won’t always be as hard as it is now, but it is a challenge she will face on some level over and over again. Dr. McGonical talks about how we miss acknowledging that most change is uncomfortable, even scary at times, and takes not just a can-do attitude but an element of courage. We have to call on that Biggest Fan to remind us that change is possible. It requires courage, kindness, and slow, mindful changes.
Once Sarah realizes she is spiraling up, she can call on the 3 main lessons she learned from her previous people-pleasing lessons such as:
The first lesson is: how uncomfortable it feels to stop people-pleasing. She knows it is hard to disappoint people, and she also knows because she did it with her Mom, she will survive. It sucks, and it is doable.
The second lesson she learned before: her co-workers are allowed to have their feelings, be disappointed, they can think that Sarah is a bitch (even though that might be unfair), etc. AND Sarah is allowed to have her feelings, insecure, uncomfortable, etc. She learned before that when she tries to control her co-workers feelings as she tried to do when she was younger with her Mom, it does not go well.
And the last lesson she learned before: the image of staying in her own car is very helpful. She knows when she is engaging in people-pleasing when she tries to jump into someone else’s car and is telling them how to drive, feel or respond.
And the last lesson she learned is to be kind to herself. This stuff is hard, and allowing her Monger to run the show doesn’t help anyone. Practicing regularly calling on her Biggest Fan is important to this process.
Sarah is going to take those lessons and any others she learned and use them as she figures out how to decrease her people-pleasing when it comes to a co-worker.
When you think about life lessons as Spiraling Up, it gives a new perspective. While we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information that we didn’t have the last time the lesson came into our lives.
So the next time you have a sense of déjà vu when it comes to a life lesson, don’t beat yourself up. Our Monger loves to think in black and white and be very doomsday about the fact that we are re-learning a lesson.
So take a pause and think back to all you have learned about this lesson in the past. Think back to how you used to handle this situation and remind yourself what you have learned.
Be kind to yourself that you got snagged again, remember this is all part of being human; you aren’t a failure; you are just learning.
Just as a child who is learning to walk falls, so to do we as adults, we lose our balance, we run into a new obstacle, but that doesn’t mean we forgot all we knew before.
Remind yourself that you aren’t failing; you are just Spiraling Up.
Working with me using my Coach in Your Pocket is perfect for those spiraling up lessons. You have done therapy, you have learned your triggers, examined your past you know you are Spiraling up but your Monger and High Functioning Anxiety are still running the show. Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years, and because it silently affects so many people who think this is just how it is.
But this isn't how it is.
There is hope if you struggle with High Functioning Anxiety—it doesn't have to be this way. You can reduce your anxiety and keep your edge. You can have less self-doubt and still get a ton done.
Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.
I have been doing this work for over 20 years and Coach in Your Pocket is the most effective and most life-changing work I have ever done. My clients are consistently blown away by how these daily check-ins combined with the monthly face-to-face video meetings create slow, lasting changes that reprogram their High Functioning Anxiety tendencies over time. Learn More