Episode 115: Living Life True To Your Values
In today’s episode, I explore how values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And when we work to narrow down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us.
Today, I want to share a cautionary tale.
A few days ago I said to my husband:
“Maybe we should shake things up this year. Do something crazy. Sell our house, move to Hawaii… SOMETHING BIG.”
He looked at me blankly. “What about our families?” he asked. “What about our friends? What about your business? Besides, I like it here. I like our life. We do big things in little ways all the time.”
And it hit me–I had yet again got sucked into the New Year, New You crap– “When-Then Syndrome.”
I had been reading the inspirational memes on social media–people planning on moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape–and my Inner Monger was getting louder and louder.
All of these promises of a new and perfect life were making me feel like I wasn’t enough–like I was missing out.
I was getting drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and I was twisting it into a ‘you are not good enough’ mantra.
I was stuck in a cycle of comparisonitis.
I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture.
But when I think about what I value most in my life–empathy, relationships, laughter, integrity, compassion–I can see that the life I lead is a reflection of those values.
My nearest and dearest was right: I love our life.
Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life.
I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to them and remind myself, yes, right now this is what I want for my life.
In today’s episode, I explore how values are the foundation of your life. They are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And how when we work to narrow down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How naming your values is one of the best ways to bring yourself back to what is most important
How when you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life
How to narrow your values down to a list of 5 values that are unique to you
How to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’s values so you don’t end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by life
What to do when your values are seemingly in conflict with one another
How to find help from your friends and family in holding yourself accountable to your values
Research and resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
A few days ago, I said to my nearest and dearest, “Maybe we should shake things up this year…do something crazy…sell our house…move to Hawaii..I don’t know, just do SOMETHING BIG.”
Over the past week, I have been reading the inspirational memes on Facebook and blogs and was just feeling ‘meh’ about the whole thing. I was reading about all the big things people were planning to do…moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape, etc. As I kept reading, my inner bully/monger kept getting louder and louder. All of these promises of a new life, a perfect life, a better life made me feel less than and like I was missing out. Over the past week, I have been stuck in a cycle of berating myself, feeling not good enough, and a HUGE case of comparisonitis.
My husband’s response to my announcement, well, He looked at me blankly and said, “What about our families? What about our friends? What about your business? I like it here. I like our life, we do big things in little ways all the time.”
And then it hit me, I had yet again got sucked into all the New Year New You crap and the “When-Then Syndrome. “ I had been drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and had twisted it into a ‘you are not good enough mantra.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture.
So last night, after a wonderful evening of hanging on the couch and snuggling with our animals, I laid in bed and thought about my values. I thought about what I value most in my life:
Empathy
Relationships
Laughter
Integrity
Compassion
And I thought about how my life is a reflection of those values. My nearest and dearest was right, I like our life…no, I love our life. Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy, and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life. I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to those 5 things and remind myself, yes, right now, this is what I want for my life.
I tell this cautionary tale to show that we are all going to get snagged from time to time, even so-called experts on this subject :)
When I get snagged and thinking I need to blow my whole life up and make a BIG change. Naming my values is one of my favorite ways to bring me back to what is most important to me. I remember years ago watching the movie City Slickers. (Yep, I am totally dating myself here)
In the movie, Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a cattle ranch to help move the cattle from one ranch to another. Billy Crystal’s character is having a bit of a mid-life crisis and trying to figure out the meaning of his life. While there, he meets an old cowboy named Curly (played by Jack Palance). My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life. Jack says, “You know what the secret to life is?” and he holds up his finger. Billy says, “Your finger?” and Jack says, “No one thing, once you figure that out, nothing else matters. Billy says, “What’s the one thing and Jack says, “that’s what you have to figure out.” I remember seeing that scene in the theater, and I was blown away. Thinking of the simplicity of that. With my anxiety picking one thing is just TOO hard!! So today, I encourage people to pick 5 things. 5 Values.
What are values? As defined by the Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, a value is “something (such as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable.”[i]
Values are the foundation of your life. Values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. Values help you answer the question, What’s most important here? The values you choose and the definitions you give them are unique to you. Someone may share similar values to yours, but their definitions might be different.
Too often, we aren’t living by our values. We find ourselves caught up in the messages of our Monger, and we are doing what we think we should do or what so-and-so is doing. When we are living a life based on someone else’s values, we end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by our life.
In contrast, your Biggest Fan encourages you to live true to your values. Your values provide a simple, easy way to see the big picture and determine what is most important to you so you can take the next steps.
Your values are expressed in the decisions you make and the activities you choose. Imagine someone was silently observing your life:
What would they see you valuing the most?
Would they be able to tell what you valued most by looking at how you spend your time and with whom you spend it?
If you are living your life from your values, then the decisions you make and the commitments you engage in will support one of your top five values. Let’s say family is one of your top five values; then, your life decisions will revolve around supporting and engaging with your family. You won’t want to engage in activities or spend time with people who take you away from your family for a long period. Your family is consistently a priority.
If you value social change, you make everyday choices that inspire social change through the clothes you wear, the websites you visit, and the products you use. You may want to work in a job or support causes that encourage social change and work towards the social change you want to see.
If you value creativity, then you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side, whether it is through drawing, painting, developing ideas, or writing. Expressing your creative side through either paid or unpaid activities will be a focus of your life.
The glitch comes when we value something, but we aren’t making choices around it. For example, you value family, but you are working all the time, so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity, but you never give yourself time to engage in artistic activities.
Only you can define what a value means for you. For example, many people value financial security. For one person, that could mean having just enough money to pay all the bills, while for another person, that could mean paying all the bills and having money left over to take as many vacations as they want.
When you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life. No longer will you be driven by external standards set by the Monger; now, you will have internal guides to chart your course.
Old Values/Other People’s Values
Growing up, you learned values from teachers, parents, clergy, and friends. Now, as an adult, you are entitled to your own values. Our Biggest Fan helps us get clear on and live out our values.
Our Monger loves to remind us of other people’s values. She loves to hold on to old values that belonged to our parents that might not be our values today. For example, maybe your parents found it important to go to church and religion was one of their values, but you value family, and Sunday mornings are the only time your immediate family has time to hang out, catch up, and bond so you don’t want to spend that time at church. That is okay. Remember, values and guilt don’t go together. Values aren’t shoulds. They are intentions that resonate with you and answer the question, What is most important here? You need to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’s values.
For example, your father values loyalty, so he worked at the same employer for 30+ years and encouraged you to do the same. However, maybe you value learning, and you have learned all you can from your current employer. Even though you have only been there for five years, you want to find another employer where you can continue to learn and grow. Recognizing this difference and knowing that you can make different choices and have different values is key.
Maybe you have outgrown a value. I remember in my 20s, I really valued social acceptance and would head out every weekend with my friends to see the latest movie just so I could say I had been there and done that. Today? I spend Friday nights quietly with my nearest and dearest or close friends, and the thought of facing the throngs of people to see the latest movie makes my skin crawl! It was great for my 20s, but now that I am almost 45, I value relationships more than I value social acceptance, and I would rather pass. Imagine if I listened to my Monger, who told me I should value social acceptance—I would be stressed out every Friday night.
Your top five values reflect you, not what you have been told to do or have been expected to do.
Conflicting Values
Our top five values may not be similar to each other and might be in direct conflict with each other. Rarely do all your values exist without a little conflict with each other. Here is where your Monger will be quick to come in and tell you how wrong you are and how you can’t live a life with values that aren’t similar. But your Biggest Fan is there to remind you that you can pull back and look at the big picture. You can include all your values; you just need to be more creative, not critical.
For example, maybe you value risk-taking, but you also value logic, so you are an auditor who bungee jumps. Or you value financial security and creativity, so you might be working a variety of jobs to fulfill both your creative outlet and your need for a secure future. You might work as a freelance writer to feed your creative side and have a job as a nurse to pay the bills. Or you value independence, but you also value socializing, so you need to be conscious and intentional about making sure you build quality relationships with others while also balancing your need for freedom, individuality, or autonomy.
Bottom line, we are happier when we live by our values, not what our Monger tells us we should be living by. After years of listening to your Monger telling you what you should be doing, listening to your own values will be challenging because your Monger’s message has become your default. Initially, you will need to remind yourself of your values as often as possible. Some of my clients have written their values down and framed them to display in their office. You can post them in your home, put them on your phone, and share them with your family. Accountability is helpful, so encourage your family to lovingly remind you of your values when they notice you are spinning out from a Monger attack.
In the show notes, you can download an exercise to help you name your values and see how they are playing out in your life.
It is SO easy to get snagged this time of year with all the new year new you messaging. The pressure is real, and the messages that IF you just changed this one thing, your life would be magically different. We WANT to believe that because it would be so much easier :)
It isn’t about not getting snagged; it is about how quickly you can regroup. Sometimes regrouping takes me days. Sometimes hours and sometimes minutes. The key is having the necessary tools to regroup and not get stuck in the “I am not good enough mantra.”
I believe–like Curly did in the movie City Slickers–when we come up with our one thing (or 5), it makes it easier to focus on what’s important in our lives.
High Functioning Anxiety can be at its worst around the New Year. Whether it’s your resolutions or everyone else’s, you can feel yourself regularly cycling through scripts that tell you you’re not good enough unless you’re flawless, constantly available, and solving everyone else’s problems.
I’d love to help you embrace this new year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach. I specialize in helping women like you living with High Functioning Anxiety to let go and make peace themselves.
Plus, coaching with me doesn’t have to take up tons of room in your already full schedule.
Here’s how it works:
First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.
Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.
Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.