Who are you Loyal to?

One trait all my clients share is a strong sense of loyalty to others.

Loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world in general.

They are the caregivers of their aging parents.

Loyalty to others.

They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, fans, head-down-get-the-job-done workers.

Loyalty to others.

They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces.

Loyalty to others.

They ooze loyalty to everyone around them. They are strong, quiet, kind, get the job done individuals.

Loyalty to others.

The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough.

Their Monger runs the show. She is loud and proud, telling them all the ways they missed the target. All the ways they SHOULD have been more loyal, more kind, more giving.

It is ironic, here are some of the kindest, gentlest, giving people in the world, and yet they never quite feel kind, gentle, or giving enough.

Want to know why?

Loyalty to self.

They are so busy devoting themselves to make sure their family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for they bypass themselves.

They have been trained to care for everyone else but themselves. They have been sold the message that if everyone else is happy, THEY will be happy.

And when they reach their 40s and 50s, and their kids are older and need less care, and their parents are older and need more care, they see that there is no break. There is no 'time for me' coming down the line. And so they think. There has to be a different way because he 'take care of everyone else' kool-aid isn't working.

This is something I have struggled with personally. I love caring for people. I pride myself on my loyalty, I love being there for those closest to me, and I know it has come at a price. A price of exhaustion and stress. A constant feeling like I am on a hamster wheel just one rotation away from peace.

When we don't have a loyalty to ourselves, we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for direction. We check in with everyone else to the detriment of ourselves. We listen to the Monger message (lie) of 'take care of everyone else, and then you will have peace.'

This is why I love A.S.K. because it allows you to bypass the message of the Monger (the top pusher of the 'take care of everyone else' kool-aid.)

Acknowledging what you are feeling: This allows you to get in touch with YOUR feelings. We are highly tuned into the feelings of those around us, but we tend to dismiss our feelings (especially when they are negative. The practice of acknowledging: Hey, I am feeling angry today, or Hey, I am feeling disappointed today (without justifying or judging) allows you to build some trust with your feelings.

Slow Down and Get into Your Body: This allows you to feel your body and get out of your head even for just 10 seconds. It serves as a reminder that yes, you have a body, and it is sending messages all the time that you need to start listening to and being loyal to.

Kindly Pull Back and See the Big Picture: Allows you to start to ask..."Do I want to do this action?" "Is there someone else I can ask for help?" "Is there a way to solve this differently?"

When I first started practicing A.S.K., it was solely a way to quiet my Monger when she got too loud. But then, over time, I have realized practicing A.S.K. regularly is a way to build loyalty with myself. It is a practice that reminds me to check in with myself. So it works two ways one as a way to counter an acute Monger attack and two as a way to decrease chronic Monger attacks in the long term.

A.S.K. bypasses the default that you must be loyal to others first and allows you to start making room for yourself. And when you and the Biggest Fan are running the show, there is no room for the Monger.

Loyalty is awesome. I challenge you to add some self-loyalty into the mix and see how your life changes.