You Don't Need a Better Organizational System

One of the main topics in my office is stress; stress around getting things done, doing a good job, or being a good person. Stress infiltrates much of our lives, from work to home to everything in between. Frequently, I will have clients come into my office and say, "I just need a new system." "If I could just find the right organizational system, everything would be ok."

Well, I am here to say from experience: You don't need another organizational system. Because most of my clients are Type A, highly organized, in control people, they already have a system or many systems that help keep them organized. Now don't get me wrong, organizational systems are necessary and needed. In fact, I love organizational systems. Just ask my nearest and dearest. I love researching apps and buying new planners. When we believe that the next organization 'system' will take away our stress and make everything better, it becomes a problem.

The perfect calendar won't

• make our to-do list smaller

• make perfectionism less of the end goal

• help us say no when needed.

• offer compassion when we fall short

• quiet our inner bully

Usually, when we believe a new calendar or organizational system is the key to all our problems, we have run up against one of our biggest bullies:

Good Girl Gail, Perfection Paula, Running Rita

Good Girl Gail convinces us that a good girl is on top of everything. If she can see everything written down, she will accomplish more and be a better person overall. Good Girl Gail believes her worth is connected to checking things off her to-do list.

Perfection Paula convinces us that a good organizational system protects us from failure. The sneaky thing about Perfection Paula is that all the time we spend re-writing our to-do list or entering our new structure into our handy app, we aren't tackling our challenging projects (therefore keeping us perfect). Perfection Paula could be replaced with Procrastination Paula because by creating this fancy organizational system, we have a reason to procrastinate. If we never start, we won't ever fail, and Perfection Paula can keep her unblemished name.

Running Rita convinces us that we need to stay as busy as possible, and an organizational system will allow that to happen in an easy, efficient manner. Running Rita wants us to stay in full-out run mode, so we don't have to turn around and a look at our life, double-check our priorities, and ask, "Is this the stuff I want to be doing?" "Is this the life I want to be living?" Running Rita convinces us just to keep moving, and all will be well.

These three inner bullies keep us believing that an organizational system will ease all our woes. That something outside of us will make it all better. They keep us stuck in the hustle, the stress, and the perfectionism that keeps us miserable and exhausted.

So if we don't need another organizational system, what do we need?

We need to listen to our wise selves: Compassionate Clara and Slow Down Samantha.

Compassionate Clara: Reminds us that we don't have to be perfect. We don't have to get everything done. Life is bigger than checking things off our to-do list. Compassionate Clara reminds us that we are perfectly imperfect and trying the best we can at all times (even when we are feeling lazy or unmotivated). Compassionate Clara is that whisper of a voice who says, "It's ok sweet thing, you can stop pushing so hard you are valuable, lovable, and worthy no matter what you check off your list." Compassionate Clara reminds us that a happier life is lived within messy imperfection.

Slow Down Samantha: Reminds us to slow down, look up, check in, and breathe. She reminds us that life is more than what we can check off our to-do list. She reminds us to check in with our values, monitor our glasses, and break the rules if necessary. Slow Down Samantha whispers, "Slow down, look around and notice the little magic in every day."

So now, you don't need another organizational system to combat stress. What you do need is Compassion and Slowing Down. Two things we struggle to give ourselves. 

Why Do You Show Up Each Day?

How am I going to get the laundry done?

How am I going to finish that work project?

When am I going to get to the grocery store?

It is Frank' Birthday, and I need to buy him a gift.

Not to mention the charity event I agreed to host.

AHHH, I am never going to get everything done.

Sound familiar?

Overwhelm is commonplace in our society. Most of us live in a constant state of overwhelm or anxiety. One of the leading causes of overwhelm is wanting to be all things to all people. Wanting to do the unattainable, which is to make everyone happy. We have everyone else as a priority in our lives, and so everyone else gets put ahead of us. One trick to dealing with overwhelm is getting very clear on your priorities. When your priorities start getting pushed out by other people's priorities, you get into trouble.

One of my favorite ways to deal with overwhelm is to get very, very clear on what is most important. One way I have found to get to the heart of that question is to ask them another question:

Why do you show up each day? 

So basically, what keeps you coming back? Why do you show up to your life each day? Usually, initial answers include work, money, responsibility, family. But when you can drill down and keep getting more specific, the areas of your life that are MOST important to you start to emerge. These answers include my kids, my partner, making a difference in the world, sharing my gifts, giving back, being a good daughter or sister or mother, etc.

When we know why we show up each day, what is most important in our lives, we know our top priorities, and we can let the other stuff go. When we know that family, money, giving back, being kind, and our physical health are the most important things in our lives. We can then learn to say no to all the people/ideas/activities that don't feed those priorities.

For example, you come home from work overwhelmed and stressing about an interaction with a co-worker, Your spouse leans in to hug you, and you remember, THIS right here, THIS is what is important. Work will be there tomorrow; this problem is not life or death. Or you snap at your spouse, he snaps back, and before you even know what is happening, you are in a knockdown drag-out fight, and you think, "Why are we fighting?" And you remember, he is one of your top priorities. Work is not. You apologize and ask for the hug that you needed earlier. Both are examples of letting the non-priorities go.

One of the causes of overwhelm is a mix-up in priorities. Confusion around why we show up for our lives? I love this question because it is an excellent reminder that you have a choice every day to show up. So often, we treat life like it is a play that was written for us. You are actively writing your life every single day!! When you know why you show up, you can then start prioritizing your life around those ideas. And start letting the other stuff go.

As you notice yourself getting overwhelmed or anxious, stop breathe and ask yourself, "Why do I show up each day?" and take the time to notice the answer.

Part 3: Twelve Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Today we are wrapping up my 3 part series on Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety. Check out Part One and Part Two.

As a reminder:

Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, whatever your name for, the constant need to "go go go" is driving you crazy, affecting not only your physical health but your personal life, work-life, and your overall happiness.

Common signs of this issue:

• You are constantly checking your to-do list.

• The feeling of unworthiness

• Checking and double-checking everything

• Always on the go, always something to do "busy, busy, busy."

• Trouble relaxing even when you have set aside time to relax.

• Frequent physical symptoms: racing heart, headaches, stomach aches, or insomnia (to name a few)

 Here are the final #9-12

1. Deal with your Monger:

Your Monger is the voice in your head telling you how much you suck. This voice creates anxiety because she chatters unconsciously, tells you how terrible you are as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, or worker. And you become convinced that if you work harder and faster and better, you can shut her up. I am here to tell you that you will never shut her up by BEING better because she will always move the bar higher and higher. The only way to outwit your Monger is to face her with loving compassion. To bring her into your awareness, thank her for her concern and lovingly show her the door.

2. Play:

Those of us who deal with anxiety seldom take time to play because we are constantly doing. No time for play!!! Start making time for play. From laughing with your kids to playing a game, find something you love doing and embrace it. Get dirty, be ridiculous, laugh until your belly hurts, and experience pure joy. When you are engaged in play, there is no room for anxiety.

3. Allot Time for Worry:

Worry can be on a perpetual loop. It becomes so natural that you don't even realize you are worrying. When we allow time for worrying, it serves us in two ways:  

1. It gives you permission to worry and feed that loop and then gives you permission to stop.  

2. It allows you to experience worrying vs. not worrying. When you are stuck on perpetual worry, you don't even know what it feels like not to worry. 

Each day, allot time to worry, set a timer, write down all your worries and fret as much as you want, and then when the timer goes off, stop worrying. Throughout the day, when you catch yourself worrying lovingly, remind yourself that worry time is over and move on (FYI, you might have to remind yourself MANY times throughout the day)

4. Stop Multi-Tasking:

Multi-tasking is an anxious person's, Achilles Heel. Multi-tasking feeds the desire to get a lot done, be productive, and go-go-go. Multi-tasking also naturally causes anxiety because you are completely cut off from your body when you are multi-tasking. Multi-tasking might make you feel like you are accomplishing a lot, but in reality, you are just amping yourself up and causing more anxiety. As much as you can, limit yourself to one task at a time.

In case you missed it:

• Part 1: Tips 1-4

• Part 2: Tips 5-8

Part 2: Twelve Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Yesterday I started Part 1 of the 12 ways to Reduce Anxiety Series--check it out here:

As a reminder:

Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, whatever your name for, the constant need to "go go go" is driving you crazy, affecting not only your physical health but your personal life, work-life, and your overall happiness.

Common signs of this issue:

• You are constantly checking your to-do list.

• The feeling of unworthiness

• Checking and double-checking everything

• Always on the go, always something to do "busy, busy, busy."

• Trouble relaxing even when you have set aside time to relax.

• Frequent physical symptoms: racing heart, headaches, stomach aches, or insomnia (to name a few)

 Here are tips #5-8:

5. Set Boundaries:

Often anxiety stems from feeling out of control. When we feel out of control, it is usually a sign that we need to set some boundaries in our life—saying no to the draining neighbor, to the PTA requests, to the co-worker that always wants you to cover for them, or to the family member that is just exhausting. It is ok to set boundaries in your life and say no. Pay attention to the activities you are engaging in and ask yourself: Do I want to be engaging in this activity? Why am I engaging in this activity? Could I say no to this activity?

Boundaries allow us to live a life that is full and juicy. Boundaries allow us to engage in the activities and with the people who energize us (therefore reducing anxiety). Boundaries allow us to feel in control of our lives as much as possible, which reduces anxiety.

6. Speak your Needs:

Boundaries and needs go hand in hand. Once you start to know what you need and start asking for it, you can ask for: support, help, a hug, feedback, or a good listener. The possibilities are endless. Learning how to speak up for myself and ask for what I need at the moment has dramatically reduced my anxiety. Life doesn't feel so scary and out of control when you can ask for what you need.

7. Dramatize the Worry:

Frequently the thing you are fretting about is ridiculous. When I can dramatize my anxiety using silly voices and over-indulgent hand gestures, it puts my anxiety in its place. Let's say you are worried about what your boss thinks of you. So you spend all morning stressing about what you are wearing, what you will say at your upcoming presentation, and your behavior at the company luncheon. When you catch yourself stressing, start to play it out. Say out loud (if you can) in your boss's voice what you are worried she is saying about you. Act out the interaction with her based on your anxieties. Frequently our anxieties fester in our heads, and in reality, they are absurd. By play-acting the worry, the absurdity becomes more apparent.

8. Control What you Can Let Go of the Rest:

When you find yourself amping up, repeat the mantra (out loud preferably): "I can't control everything." The illusion of control is an anxiety sufferer's biggest lie. It is helpful to recognize that much of life is out of your control. You can only control yourself (e.g., you can set your boundaries and speak your needs), but you can't control: traffic, other people's actions, perceptions, reactions, or thoughts. Remind yourself frequently that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now, and let the rest go.

In case you missed it:

• Part 1: Tips 1-4

• Part 3: Tips 9-12

Part 1: Twelve Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, whatever your name for, the constant need to "go go go" is driving you crazy, affecting not only your physical health but your personal life, work-life, and your overall happiness.

Common signs of this issue:

• You are constantly checking your to-do list.

• The feeling of unworthiness

• Checking and double-checking everything

• Always on the go, always something to do "busy, busy, busy."

• Trouble relaxing even when you have set aside time to relax.

• Frequent physical symptoms: racing heart, headaches, stomach aches, or insomnia (to name a few)

Today I am starting my three-part series on easing anxiety. 

1. Build Awareness:

#1 way to ease anxiety, notice it is happening. If you aren't aware that you are feeling anxious, you won't ever change the behavior. For the next week or so, just notice how often you find yourself exhibiting one of the above symptoms. No judgment. No change in behavior, just awareness. If you are comfortable, invite family and friends to chime in too. Ask them to tell you when they notice you acting anxious.

2. Be Curious:

Ask yourself what is going on? What are you FEELING? Often, those of us with anxiety are 'hopping' ourselves up to avoid something else. For example, you might be scared because your husband might be losing his job, so you throw yourself into your to-do list, making sure to get everything done at record speed, rather than deal with the fear you hop yourself up into an anxiety state. Your husband losing his job is anxiety-provoking, and checking everything off your to-do list in record time won't help him keep his job. It will just make you more miserable. Slowing down and recognizing that you are scared and giving yourself some understanding and compassion around that won't help him either, but it will help you feel better in the moment.

3. Do a Full Body Movement

Throughout the day, move your body, stretch, dance, reach for the sky, walk around your house. I encourage clients to make getting into your body a ritual. Anytime you are at a stoplight, stretch. Anytime you hang up the phone at work, walk around the office. Anytime you get in the car, shrug your shoulders. Anytime you recognize you are anxious, do a full-body movement. By developing rituals around getting into your body--you will get out of your head and reduce anxiety overall. 

4. Exercise:

A regular exercise routine allows a natural release of your anxiety. It doesn't have to be super intense: dancing in the living room, walking after dinner, or a yoga practice, whatever inspires you to move. Movement not only releases the anxiety it also grounds you in your body. Anxiety forces you into your head, and by moving your body, you get out of your head, therefore, decreasing the lasting effects of anxiety.

Make sure to read parts 1 and 2. 

Meditations for those Who Hate to Meditate

We hear it all the time:

"The number one way to reduce stress is to Meditate."

And it's true. And for many of us (me included), mediation is HARD, if not downright painful. The idea of sitting quietly for even 2 minutes can be fear-inducing!! So while yes, meditating has amazing health benefits, both physical and mental, it is also just not a realistic possibility for some of us right now, and that is OK. The goal of meditation is to bring you back into your body so you can hear your wise voice. The more you can ground yourself in the present moment, the more you can reduce your reactivity in life. So if the idea of sitting in silence for any amount of time is anxiety-inducing, check out these other possibilities.

Walking meditation: The Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about a walking meditation (even wrote a book about it). Which is simply slowly walking and coordinating your breath with your steps. You can walk on the street, on a labyrinth, or in your living room.

Eating Meditation: With each bite of food, slow down and pay attention. Slowly chew, slowly swallow, slowly taste. What flavors do you taste? How does the food feel in your mouth?

Find your Crayons: You don't have to be a child to color. Coloring naturally narrows your focus and slows your breathing. Using crayons, colored pencils, or markers, grab your favorite coloring book and start coloring.

Five senses: This is one of my favorites. Wherever you are, take a breath and do an inventory of your five senses. In the moment, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you smell? This meditation brings you immediately to the present moment. I practice this in the car, in the store, and my office.

Use a Mantra: If you want to try 'traditional meditation,' repeat a phrase in your mind. Set your timer, close your eyes, and repeat a calming word or phrase. As your mind wanders, keep coming back to the phrase.

Starfish: A client of mine told me about this meditation. Sprawl on the floor like a starfish and notice your surroundings. Notice how you feel, what you see etc.

Guided Meditation: One of the only ways I can successfully mediate is through a guided meditation. There are many many out there that walk you through the process.

Use your Breath: Many meditations use your breath. One of my favorites is simple three deep breaths. You can also inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7 and exhale to a count of 8 and repeat 4 times.

All of these are wonderful ways to bring you back to the present moment. And allow you to reconnect with yourself, your body, and your wisdom.

A Friendly Reminder to Lean In

Lately, the phrase 'lean in' has been running through my brain. Lean in such a simple and wonderful reminder. Lean into the hugs my nearest and dearest gives me. Lean into the support of friends and family. Lean into the emotions, joy, sadness, fear. Once I started paying attention to it, I realized that leaning in is helpful to practice in life.

Being the independent soul that I am, I tend to pride myself on 'going it alone,' not needing anybody. But in all honesty, that is a lonely life--we need to lean in--reach out--share our story, and ask for help. When my husband hugs me frequently, I will remind myself to 'lean in' and take the hug for all its worth. Or when I am having a stressful day, and my first inclination is to forge ahead, dig deeper and become a virtual stress machine, I will remind myself to 'lean in' to what my body is telling me. When I lean in, life gets better. My relationships get stronger, my peace of mind is greater, I am happier. It isn't my first response, it isn't the easiest response, but it is a helpful response.

Leaning in is the opposite of running from. Duh, you might say, but most of us spend a lot of time running from our emotions, the unhappy parts of our lives, our fears, our shame, etc. When we can stop the run, lean in, and face what we are running, we can move forward in a more authentic, less anxious way. Leaning in is not an intuitive action (at least not for me). It is something I have to remind myself to do.

Sometimes, after my nearest and dearest and I have a fight, and we have gone to bed, I lie there feeling raw and exposed. My instinct is to shut down and close off, and then I hear my wise self quietly whisper, "lean in." I roll over and hug him, and I feel us both relax. I remind myself we are a team and I am safe, and everything is ok. Lean in, take a breath, feel the feelings, and then take action.

Leaning in requires vulnerability. It requires us to do the opposite of what is comfortable. So it is best to lean in the 'safe people' in our lives to share the struggles and the joys. Yes, we even have to be reminded to lean into the joys of our life. Too often, we are so afraid that if we celebrate too much, the joy will vanish, or by celebrating, we aren't modest enough, and we will suffer some consequence.

If you think of walking down the street on a windy day, the easiest way to maneuver is to lean into the wind. Standing straight and tall, being rigid and stoic will make it that much more challenging to walk. If you can link arms with someone as you walk through the wind, it gets even easier. When we lean in, we naturally relax, and we can shift and move as needed. The wind is still there, but rather than fighting against it, we are moving with it.

Where in your life could you use a little 'lean in'?

Using Technology to Cope with Anxiety

Last week as per tradition, my nearest and dearest and I joined a group of friends to celebrate New Year's Eve in a cabin in the woods. The cabin is in the middle of nowhere, so there is no cell service, no wifi, no connection with the outside world.

On the first morning, I sat down at the dining room table, looked out the window at the beautiful winter landscape, and opened my book. Two things immediately struck me.

1. The quiet. The serene and calmness of the day.

2. My underlying anxiety. My overwhelming urge to check my email, look for missed calls or peruse Facebook.

Here I was in the middle of beauty and nature. I had literally been counting the days until I would be in this peaceful location, and I was FREAKING OUT. I knew my addiction to technology was bad, but I didn't know how bad it had gotten. So I decided to practice what I preach and I just noticed. 

• I noticed every time I had the urge to 'check in' via technology. 

• I noticed every time I wanted to 'google' an answer to a question. 

• I noticed every time I wanted to post a picture to social media. 

I was shocked at how frequently I had an urge. I noticed. Every time I noticed, I breathed.

Here is what I noticed:

I am not that important. You know what I missed with three days of disconnectedness. NOTHING. Now granted, it was a holiday, and with running my business, it would be challenging not to be connected for three days on a workweek. But my world didn't stop because I didn't see everyone's New Year's wishes. My life wasn't incomplete when I missed the emails trying to sell me the latest program for 2014.

I don't have to know the answer. Surprisingly the activity I missed the most was not being able to Google an answer to a question. To live in that 'uncertainty' was terrifying and freeing. To have to debate without a definitive answer. To have to 'let it go' was fun!

Hands down, my most significant and most life-changing confirmation (I had suspected this for some time) technology is how I cope with my anxiety and innate "Introvertedness." It is how I can 'disconnect' within a group of people.

• I look up the answer' while everyone is talking.

• I 'check my email' when there is a lull in the conversation.

• I can dive into Facebook when I am feeling overwhelmed.

So to BE without my security blanket was TOUGH. However, I also realized it is a catch-22. The more 'connected' I am via technology, the more anxious I become. As with all harmful addictions, it is selling me an un-truth.

By the end of our stay, I was more relaxed, grounded, and at peace. I resolved to decrease my technology usage (specifically my iPad usage), and it had been an interesting process. So far, some days are better than others. Because without my technology, I have to breathe through the anxiety. As I always say, decreasing anxiety is a process. The more we can face ourselves, notice, and breathe, the easier the journey becomes.

Four Key Components to Change

Change is HARD. It is a process that takes time.

Whether you want to change a habit, attitude, or behavior change takes four things:

1. Awareness

2. Self-Acceptance

3. Curiosity

4. Different Action

Let's say you want to let go of your tendency to control how your husband helps around the house. You desperately need some help, but you have noticed that when he does help, you tend to get frustrated with how and what he did wrong rather than just the fact that he helped (even though it isn't EXACTLY how you would have done it). A kind act on your husband's part to help you inevitably ends up being an argument.

First, you need to get clear and specific on what you want to change. For this example, the goal is to graciously accept your husband's help without being critical about every little thing he does.

We start with step 1: building awareness. Let's say it is Sunday night and your husband offers to help, and you agree. While you finish up the laundry and packing lunches for the next day, he bathes the kids but forgets to brush their teeth, he loads the dishwasher and puts everything in wrong, and when you walk into the kitchen, you realize he failed to sweep the floor, and it is a mess. You immediately start fuming, and before you know it, you are in a full-out battle over the kitchen. You aren't aware that things went south until the following day. Side note: eventually, as you build awareness, the time between things going south and your awareness of them will shrink and shrink until you are aware things are going south AS they are going south.

But for now, it is the morning after, and you look back and think, "Ugh, I did it again." So you put Steps 2, 3, and 4 into place. Step 2 Self Acceptance is one of the essential parts of real change. Real change won't occur if you are 'white knuckling' it, beating yourself up, or doing it for the sake of someone else. You have to want the change, and you have to love yourself through the change process. So in practicing self-acceptance: You DO NOT spin-off on what a terrible, bitter person you are or how unhelpful your husband is. Instead, you pause, take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a process you are learning, and that takes time. Then come back and practice Step 3: Curiosity. You start asking yourself WHY the conversation went so poorly AND what action you can take to give feedback without it devolving into an argument next time (Step 4).

Yes, I know a big part of you is screaming that it went south because he did it wrong!! But try to dig a little deeper and begin to entertain the idea that it MIGHT be something else. What else is there? Answer the questions below and for each 'yes' answer, develop an action step you can take next time to create some change.

Question: Could your tone have been more appreciative and less critical?

Action: If yes, think about where your tone when south. Why did you get so critical? Were you tired? Were you frustrated already? Or were you mirroring your husband's tone? What steps can you take to prevent that in the future? 

Question: Could it be that he hasn't done it enough to know your preferences, and with better communication, he could learn?

Action: If yes, set aside time with him to do some quick, light-hearted training on how you like things done--Make sure it is a time when you are both relaxed and open to having a fluid conversation. Be prepared that he still might not do it exactly the way you want it done. 

Question: Is it that you have told him 1000 times, and he doesn't listen?

Action: If yes, then it is time to have a conversation with him to help problem solve the issue. There is a bigger problem at play here, and you both need to get to the root of it.

Question: Is it possible that you two have different standards, and you could relax your standards? Yes, the kids need to brush their teeth, but does the dishwasher really have a RIGHT way of being loaded?

Action: If yes, get clear on what you are willing to let go of and what is a MUST HAVE for you and proceed from there. 

So fast forward to the following Sunday, and your husband is once again offering to help. This time you notice as you are talking to him that your voice is short and you are critical. You stop. Breathe. Smile to yourself and get curious and take a different action. Maybe you ask your husband to take a break. Maybe you share that you are struggling with being less critical and want to show up a different way of doing it. Maybe you admit you are tired, and it would be easier to do it yourself for now, but tomorrow night you are doing a mini training.

At the end of the night, your husband helped, and there was no fighting. Time to do a CELEBRATION! That, my friend, is change. Over time you will catch yourself in the moment getting frustrated with him, and you will take a different action well before you have a chance to be overly critical. Sunday nights (hopefully every night of the week) will be full of help from your husband and fewer fights.

No matter what behavior or thought you are trying to change, I guarantee that when you implement awareness, self-acceptance, and curiosity and choose a different action, change occurs over time.

I SHOULD be Happy

I should be happy is one of the statements I hear most often in my work:

"I should be happy.

I have a good-paying job.”

I have decent benefits."

I just had a baby."

I have a great partner."

I live in my dream home."

When we say the phrase, "I SHOULD be happy," it usually means 1 of 2 things.

First Option: 

You are convincing yourself that you SHOULD be happy based on someone else's definition of happiness. The fact that someone else told you this is the perfect job or benefits are key to all of life or what a dream home is supposed to look like. So you, to live up to someone else's standard of what happiness is, are convincing yourself that you are happy with that aspect of your life. In this option, when we say, "I should be happy," we are attempting to convince ourselves of something that isn't true for us. So it is important to do a sincere gut check when we hear that phrase and ask ourselves:

• According to what standards should I be happy?

• Am I living life by my standards and values or someone else's?

• Are there changes I need to make to live more in line with what I intend for my life?

Second Option:

You are living in the messy; you are holding two very different truths, and it is uncomfortable.

• You have a good-paying job, AND it isn't really what you want to do.

• You have decent benefits, AND you are starting to wonder if it is worth the sacrifice for good benefits.

• You just had a baby that you love and adore, AND it is hard being a new parent.

• Your partner is fantastic, AND sometimes it is hard to live with another person.

• You have your dream house, AND it has a lot of work to do.

One of the many mysteries of life that I am most struck by is the eternal blend of positive and negative. The idea that life will forever be messy, no matter how much we strive to have it tied up in a neat little bow, there will always be tragedy and joy intermixed together. Getting comfortable with these two ends of the continuum and bringing them closer together is a lifelong process.

When we say, "I should be happy," to convince ourselves to suck it up, forget the challenges and just look at the positive, we can run ourselves ragged. It is important to embrace the mess. Giving ourselves a break and perpetually balancing between giving thanks and recognizing that sometimes even if we WANT something with all our hearts, it is still challenging.

We can love and appreciate something or someone AND be challenged by them too. When we start 'shoulding' on ourselves to forgo the negative feelings, we will miss the negative feelings and the positive ones too. It may sound counterintuitive, but we get to the joy much faster by relaxing into the mess. Relax into the mess:

• Do a full-body movement.

• Talk to a friend.

• Admit you are struggling.

• Participate in activities you love.

By being honest with what is going on, you will be better able to fully engage your life and embrace the mess of it all.

So the next time you start saying "I should be happy," stop and ask yourself--what is going on here? Am I living by someone else's standards, and/or am I avoiding the messiness of life?

An Addiction to Busyness

I confess I am a busyness addict. When I get stressed, overwhelmed, or tired, I know that I move quickly into run, run, run mode. Many of us with high functioning anxiety suffer from busyness addictions, and it can be one of the biggest symptoms of HFA.

Run, Run Run mode means you don’t have to think, feel, engage or be, you just run. Run to the next item on your to-do list, run to the next event, run to the next ‘thing’ doesn’t matter what you are running towards as long as you are running.

I would also confess I am a busyness addict in recovery, meaning I am aware that I have this problem, and I TRY to put rituals into place to catch myself. But occasionally, the pull of busyness is just too great, and I have fallen off the recovery wagon into the temptation of busyness. 

Signs of Busyness Addiction

People with high functioning anxiety tend to struggle with the busyness and hustle addiction. People who struggle with HFA constantly keep themselves busy, so they don’t feel anxious, overwhelmed, or like an underachiever when they’re not completing a to-do list.

Here are some signs you might be a busyness addict:

• Your emotional reaction to life is not congruent with the events of your life. For example, you are going through something painful, sad, or even joyous and happy, yet your affect is pretty much flat-lined. You aren’t “feeling” anything.

• You become obsessed with checking things off the to-do list, often telling yourself, ‘once I get everything done, THEN I can relax.’ Here’s a shocking fact–you won’t ever get everything off the to-do list!! (This one has become my number one sign!)

• You are ALWAYS multitasking; if you are watching TV, you are on the computer; if you are talking on the phone, you are making dinner. You can’t stand to do one thing and just engage in that activity.

• You are obsessed with checking your phone, email, social media, whatever you constantly have to be checking in with the outside world.

The number one thing all of these traits have in common: They pull us away from ourselves. They pull us into busyness. And when we are in busy mode, we don’t have to FEEL anything–which sadly is the goal. 

The price that we pay for not feeling is that we can’t engage with our life. We can’t show up, be present, be grateful and be intentional about life. Addiction to busyness is a coping mechanism for dealing with HFA that actually can make it worse.

What Does Busyness Look Like?

The idea of “hustle culture” that we live in doesn’t help our busyness addiction either. Because for those of us with HFA, not only do we feel like we’re always busy, but we can’t seem to say no out of fear of letting people down. 

Maybe your busyness looks like this: 

• You get a phone call saying the latest report didn’t run correctly, so you stay late to fix it.

• Your son hints that he wants cupcakes to take to school for his birthday–you stay up past 3 am to make sure they are perfectly prepared.

• Your husband asks you to pick up his favorite suit on your way home. You drive 15 minutes out of your way (OK, really 45 with traffic) to get it.

• Your co-worker asks you to help out (AGAIN) with this month’s birthday luncheon. Even though it is her responsibility, you say yes.

• Your mother-in-law asks you to stop in for lunch on Saturday. Between soccer and errands, you make a hurried stop at her house.

• On Friday morning, your sister asks you to babysit on Saturday–her babysitter canceled at the last minute. You shift your movie night with your husband to accommodate.

Do you know what all of these scenarios have in common? The theme is “I CAN’T LET THEM DOWN.” This is when we’re in hustle mode. And we can’t seem to overcome being busy because now we’re faced with the fear of letting people down. 

How High Functioning Anxiety Connects to Busyness

The coping strategies of people with high functioning anxiety and busyness addicts, they’re very similar. The driving force behind each of these actions that create the busyness addiction is the terror that you might:

• not be perceived as “all that” to someone.

• disappoint someone

• be seen as a slacker

• make someone sad

• put someone out

• not live up to expectations

These terrors are why we take on the Can’t Let Them Down Hustle. We put ourselves last, go out of our way, and drive ourselves to the point of exhaustion to make sure others perceive us as kind, giving, and wonderful.

If you’ve ever felt completely worn out because you were constantly taking on more, you may have high functioning anxiety.

These patterns have become ingrained in us–from a young age. And unless we actively engage these patterns, they will continue to become ingrained.

The number one reason people start working with me and cry out “I am exhausted” is because they are engaging in the Can’t Let Them Down Hustle. They are spending too much of their time operating on automatic pilot and hustling for others.

Yes, we all have obligations. We all have things we need to get done, AND we need to be clear on our motives. Is it because we need to get something done, or is it because we are unnecessarily hustling.

After many years of being in hustle and busyness recovery, I still (more frequently than I care to admit) catch myself Hustling and have to pause and ask myself:

• “Is this hustle necessary?”

• “Why are you hustling for?”

• “Is it worth it?”

• “What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t hustle?”

These questions help stop the cycle of hustle and high functioning anxiety. Because if we can’t stop the vicious cycle of hustle and busyness, then we can’t Live Happier. We will always be chasing the proverbial carrot and never succeeding. 

How to Reduce Busyness In Your Life

So what can you do to reduce busyness in your life and set healthy boundaries?

1. Recognize your ‘busyness’ signs

2. Eliminate activities that leave you overwhelmed

3. Include natural check-in points throughout the day

4. Ask friends and family to help you stay accountable.

5. Remember, this is a process.

As an anxiety coach and someone who is in recovery, I KNOW that life is so much better when I am not in my addiction; I am happier, more engaged, more peaceful, and more present. Life is technical, color, and bright.

What about you? Can you relate to the busyness addiction? What are your signs of HFA? What have you found that helps? I would LOVE to hear from you. If you struggle with high anxiety and the addiction of busyness, I would love to help.

Tending to your Life Garden

How do you spend your energy or, to be more precise, how do you spend your time? Do you spend time with people you love? Are you engaging in activities that fill you up? Do you recognize your signs of being low on energy (both physical and emotional)?

Think of your life as a garden. You need to water your garden, care for it and make sure no pesky weeds or rodents are eating your tomatoes and such. You get energy from the beautiful plants and flowers that grow in your garden. You lose energy when your garden fills up with weeds or rodents and when it starts to lack water. The flowers are the things in our life that give us energy; supportive friends and family, or fun and fulfilling activities. The weeds and rodents are the things in our life that drain our energy: drama-filled friends and family or activities that we dread and don't like.

Too many of my clients move through their day, completely unaware of their garden. They are unaware of

1. How they are feeling energy-wise

2. Actively engaging in garden management (working on adding more flowers and decreasing the weeds)

How do you feel when you are low on energy/when your garden is wilting and brown? Sluggish? Irritable? Do you get headaches or stomachaches? Do you amp up to make up the difference in energy? Do you drink too much coffee followed by too much wine?

Pay attention to how you feel to help guide you as to what your garden needs.

Give yourself permission to engage in activities that give you energy and drop the activities that don't. Now, I know we ALL have activities that we don't want to engage in, but we have to because that is life. But get very clear on what these have to activities are. Many activities that we have in the "have to" column are not "have to's" at all but rather "I don't want them to be mad at me," or "I don't want them to think badly of me" activities. We can't do it all AND have a garden that is lush and happy.

You can say NO to:

• the bake sale,

• lunch with a friend who is so packed full of drama you leave her feeling more drained.

• dog sitting your brother's annoying dog.

• the baby shower that falls on your only day off in 2 weeks.

You can say YES to:

• taking a walk with a friend you haven't seen in forever who always makes you smile.

• turning off the TV and chatting with your spouse.

• reading a good book.

• getting a massage or taking a long nap.

But for those activities that you have to engage in that drain you, make sure you have a counter activity planned. In my life, I do a lot of caretaking. When I feel drained from caretaking, I make sure to plan something fun and re-energizing. I frequently check in on my garden and see if there are any miscellaneous weeds that I can pluck out or if I need to gather up some flowers to make myself feel better.

What about your garden? Where does it need some tending? What weeds can you pull?

Coming Home

Home. What is home? I have asked myself that question a lot over the last few days. I just returned 'home' from my conference in DC. I love my home, the greenhouse with blue trim and the big porch out front. I love the energy of my home filled with my animals, Mocha and Pooh. I love the 'stuff' and that it all has meaning and energy for me. I love how I feel in my house, safe, grounded, calm. But home is more than a nice house with four walls. Home is actually a feeling; it is an energy. In reality, I can feel at 'home' in a hotel room or sitting in front of the Lincoln Memorial, surrounded by people. At the same time, I can feel totally out of whack in my house. I can feel anxious or stressed out.

I can remember in my early twenties. I only felt that sense of peace when I was at my house. I would rush through my day so that I could achieve the escape of my physical house. I remember saying to myself, 'I want to feel at home wherever I go.' That is the goal, isn't it? To feel at peace, grounded, and connected wherever we are. Because, in reality, that sense of home comes from within.

Our house is where we can let down our guard (hopefully) where we can be ourselves and just be. The goal is to take that sense of ourselves, that grounded courage, out into the world. So whenever we get knocked down or beat up, we can come back to 'home,' come back to that feeling of safety and security that we have in our houses.

Yesterday, I was coming home from DC. I was tired and depleted. I just wanted to get HOME. On the plane, I had a challenging interaction with the guy in front of me about the overhead bins. I had cracked a joke, and he didn't think it was funny or misunderstood and gave me a snippy response back. I SO wanted to explain that I was only joking, but we were on a crowded airplane, and there was no time. Because I felt tired and overwhelmed, I almost started to cry (my go-to response when my bucket is empty). But I gathered myself, put my hands over my heart, and said, "You are tired, Sweetie, you are ok. You just need to get home." I took a few deep breaths, and I felt better. I brought myself 'home' even though I was on the plane and feeling misunderstood (something I hate--I am an uber-clarifier).

In my early twenties, when home was only my house, I never had that feeling of grounded, that feeling of I can do this, that feeling of self-love. I had the pleasure of hearing Tara Brach speak yesterday. She said that the primary suffering in the world is a sense of homesickness of being separated from ourselves, our home. We get this homesickness by separating from ourselves, beating ourselves up. We can only be home when we are at peace with ourselves and grounded in our bodies. Yesterday I could bring myself back home by holding my heart and giving myself a break.

The key is paying attention to where we feel at home. Is it your physical house? A certain room? At the beach? In the mountains? Where do you get that feeling of security and warmth? How does that sense of calm feel for you? When you go into the world and get knocked off balance, you get overwhelmed and depleted; remind yourself of your home base. Close your eyes and remind yourself how it feels to go to your home to be safe, secure, and at peace. Remind yourself home is inside, and we can all go back home no matter where we are.