Thoughts on Living with
A very loud Monger (inner critic)
Three books and over 12 years of blogging later, my Monger still tells me I am not a writer.
THAT is the power of my Monger, who never forgets the feedback from the English teachers of my youth. But my Biggest Fan reminds me I love writing, finding the perfect word, crafting a story to illustrate a point. This page is a collection of all my blogs on topics such as mindfulness, self-loyalty, perfectionism, etc.
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Or just dive right in:
Taking Stock of Your Carrot
When you are unclear on what the carrot represents, you are just chasing an imaginary object you might never reach.
That darn carrot. So many people are running through life, checking things off the to-do list, being 'on-top of things,' looking good, and feeling unfulfilled. Because there dangles that ever-elusive carrot, the holy grail that convinces you if only I could get the carrot, then I would be ok. I just need to keep working for the carrot. But the carrot keeps changing, growing, and unfortunately moving.
The carrot is the college degree, the spouse, the kids, having enough money to be comfortable, having enough money for retirement, sending the kids to college, being happy in your career, getting a vacation home, the carrot list can go on and on and on.
In theory, the carrot can be awesome. It represents the goal. It represents your priorities, what matters most, and the direction you want your life to take. The problem with the carrot is when it doesn't represent anything except the next 'thing.' When you are unclear on what the carrot represents, you are just chasing an imaginary object you might never reach. Again: When you are unclear on what the carrot represents, you are just chasing an imaginary object you might never reach. It sounds insane, but I know many, many of us (me included) spend time chasing something that we can't even define and don't even know if we want in the first place.
In this society, we are focused on the chase. We forget what or why we are chasing in the first place. We get so used to going after 'the goal' we forget to ask ourselves--do I want this goal in the first place?
So today, I want you to pause from carrot chasing for a moment and ask yourself to define your carrot.
What does success look like to you? Is success a big house, a new car, and being able to eat out every night? Or success having a flexible schedule to spend time with family and friends? Maybe success is having a community of friends who gather and chat about politics, art, and activism? Or success is more education--having a Ph.D.? Success can have a million definitions. But what is success to YOU, not your parents, neighbors, or partner but YOU? Think back to high school and college; how did you envision your life?
How will you know you have 'made it'? What does your life vision look like? In essence, what does your carrot look like? What exactly are you chasing? And do you still want to be chasing it?
The point of these questions is to help you take stock of your carrot and get clear on your goals and priorities. To help you stop just reacting to life, start by getting honest about what you want from your life.
One Decision at a Time
We are presented with little decisions every day, and it is our response to these decisions that determine whether we are genuinely living happier.
One of the misnomers about counseling/coaching is the idea that we need to be 'fixed' and that with a couple of sessions with me, you can be 'fixed.' First off, there is no fixing necessary. In my younger years, I was constantly looking to be fixed, to be whole. My bookshelves are FULL of self-help resources promising such fixes. What I have grown to learn is that the 'fix' we are looking for happens over time. It happens one decision at a time. Over time as we face different choices, it is what we choose to do with these choices that the 'fixing' comes in.
It is:
One intentional choice to speak your needs.
One moment of saying no and not feeling the need to justify, prove or defend.
One reaction where you choose honesty and truth rather than being passive-aggressive or drama-filled.
These decisions happen when we learn to trust ourselves, to value our needs, to speak up, set boundaries, and say no when we need to.
This decision-making process isn't easy or quick. Putting yourself first, letting go of perfectionism, and choosing not to react to the anxiety are decisions you make one by one every day.
These decisions take awareness intentionality and being present in your daily life.
Scenarios include:
Having a frustrating day and choosing between picking a fight with your spouse or telling him you are frustrated and need 10 minutes, so if he could figure out dinner, that would be great.
Not wanting to have your friend over for a play date because you are tired and choosing between telling her the truth, making up an excuse, so you don't look like a bad mom, or inviting her over anyway and being miserable the whole time.
Meeting your mom for lunch, which you dread because she always wants to spend the entire afternoon with you, and you just don't have the time. Choosing between telling her initially that you need to leave by 1:30 or spending the day throwing passive-aggressive hints as she drags you from shop to shop.
Your kids asked you to play soccer with them in the yard, something you love doing, but you know that your to-do list is ever-growing, and you need to vacuum. Choosing to hang with your kids for the afternoon knowing you can vacuum anytime OR choosing to vacuum and then later being bitter at your husband that you never get to do what you want to do (even though if you are honest with yourself, he REALLY doesn't care about whether or not the house is vacuumed)
We are presented with little decisions every day, and it is our response to these decisions that determine whether we are genuinely living happier. My job as a counselor/coach is to help you get back in touch with you. To help you trust yourself again and get comfortable speaking your needs, lessening your anxiety, and listening to your inner wisdom, one tricky decision at a time.
Why I Hate the Phrase Champagne Problems
The phrase "champagne problems" allows people to minimize, belittle and basically not deal with their genuine issues.
Recently my friends have been using the phrase "Champagne Problems" when they chat about the stresses and issues in their lives. According to Urban Dictionary, Champagne Problems means: "Problems, when compared to issues of poverty, natural disasters, and war, are not that big of a deal."
The more I hear this phrase, the more I have an issue with it. On the one hand, I think it is important to recognize that deciding between a job with a higher salary or staying home with the kids is not as drastic as deciding where you will sleep that night after a tornado has obliterated your house. I realize that stressing about getting your to-do list done is not as dire as stressing about your child in the ICU for the 5th time because of a rare cancer diagnosis. So yes, it is good to have perspective and realize that we need to be grateful for our lives, which could be worse. The phrase "champagne problems" allows people to minimize, belittle and basically not deal with their genuine issues.
Let's take Lisa (not a real person). She feels unappreciated in her home, her kids are in school, and she wants more from her life. Recently she and her husband have been arguing moreover 'who does more' and her feeling unappreciated. It appears to be a champagne problem. No one will die today because of it, food is still on the table, and the kids are clothed. So when she takes the risk to share this with a friend, she minimizes it by saying, "it's just a champagne problem" her friend, who might feel similarly in her marriage, laughs and agrees that they have it pretty good. They both go on their way, repeating that their feelings are silly and they are privileged snobs. They just need to get some perspective and be grateful, and all will be well!
Meanwhile, Lisa heads home still feeling unappreciated and lost, but now she tries even harder to push that problem down and hide it under gratitude. The fights continue, and pretty soon, the fighting has chipped away at the foundation of her marriage and herself to the point that she is more lost and more confused. Over time, left unexplored, the so-called champagne problem has turned into a messy divorce and working at a job she hates so she can help support two households.
If we could REPLAY that scenario and have Lisa's friend say:
"It might be a champagne problem, and we are fortunate, but it sucks to be feeling unappreciated and fighting with your husband all the time. My husband and I have been fighting a lot as well, about similar things". "Maybe we should figure out a way to fix this in a real way."
Champagne problems, when ignored and belittled, can become very BIG problems. Champagne problems are not to be ignored. Yes, many of us are privileged. Many of us have pretty good lives, and we still have problems around anxiety, identity, inner critic, what comes next, parenting, career, and relationships. These problems aren't stupid or silly. They are REAL issues that affect our lives in REAL ways every day.
The phrase Champagne Problems reminds us to be grateful for what we DO have. But by being grateful and appreciative, that doesn't mean we don't have problems. It doesn't mean we can't speak up and share our needs, issues, and desires. I believe that this world would be such an amazing place if we all could honestly and openly admit where we are in life, what we are grateful for, and what we are struggling with and work to appreciate and change at the same time.
My Life is Blessed. Why do I Feel so Anxious?
I may have looked like a 30-year-old who had her '&*%' together, but in reality, I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.
About ten years ago, I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now-husband (then really close friend) having one of our late-night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, "I look like I have it all. Why do I feel so anxious?" At the time, I was working a great job making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, had recently bought a new car, and had even lost those pesky 30lbs that tend to haunt me. I was doing 'good' from the outside, anyway. But inside, I was exhausted and anxious all the time. I was always looking for the 'next thing.' Always thinking if I went to the 'cool' event, hung out with the 'fun' people, or had the 'right' job, then I would be happy. I was running from event to event, and I just felt anxious. I may have looked like a 30-year-old who had her '&*%' together, but in reality, I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.
I felt like I had video cameras in my house and that someday I would be found out that I wasn't a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together. In reality, I was a quiet introvert who was filled with anxiety and wasn't doing anything 'right'. I had bought the idea that if I do what everyone tells me to do and check off all the 'right' tasks, THEN I would be happy.
Eventually, after a couple of panic attacks and a few too many crying jags, I decided to seek help. Fortunately, I found a therapist who helped me figure out what I wanted for my life and how to notice when I stop listening to my own voice. I realized that no matter how many items I checked off the list, I would always search for the next item. I needed to stop running and start looking at my face in the mirror. My lovely, anxiety-ridden face and learn how to love and appreciate it. I learned to implement daily practices to diminish my anxiety and get off the 'to do' list train.
We are told from a young age to check off the boxes:
Go to College
Get a Job
Move up and make good money
Get Married
Buy a nice house
Buy a snazzy car
Have a child
Be a good parent
Have another child
Buy a bigger house
Have lots of friends
No one tells us:
The checkmarks never end--we can be checking things off the 'should' list for the rest of our lives
That all those checkmarks, while significant, meaningful, and worthwhile, aren't always enough.
Here's the truth:
It is ok that you have checked everything off the list and that you still feel anxious. It is ok that you are tired of living by the list. Because once you admit that you feel anxious, change can occur. Once you admit, "I did everything 'they' told me to do, and I am still searching." You can start searching internally. You can take all that great stuff you have accomplished and add to it. You don't have to live your life as a chameleon. You can reduce the feeling of being 'found out and start embracing who you are.
Anxiety does not have to rule your life. Life can look beautiful inside and out.
How we Ignore our Biggest Fan
Do you know those decisions you make that are just gut decisions? When the answer is a complete YES? Those are the decisions you know will work out. And then there are those decisions that we make that we say YES, but there is a small voice inside that says no.
Yesterday I got a haircut--a cute short, sassy blonde do. I have not had hair short in years, so this is quite the change for me. Before I left for the salon, my husband said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yep, I am ready. I am excited I am ready for a new do". And I was, I felt it in my bones, I was SURE. After all, was said and done, and my hairstylist said "ta-da," I thought, yep, I LOVE it just like I knew I would.
Do you know those decisions you make that are just gut decisions? When the answer is a complete YES? Those are the decisions you know will work out. You know they will be ok--no matter how dramatic, no matter how much change they involve, when you are ready, you are ready. And then there are those decisions that we make that we say YES, but there is a small voice inside that says no, not now, not this one, there is another reason you are doing this. The key is listening to that little voice—the times in my life when I haven't have been trouble.
I remember shopping for my wedding dress. I did not have magical, fairy tale ideas about wedding dress shopping. I was not looking forward to it at all. My nearest and dearest and I got married in my parent's backyard. It was a low-key, beautiful, casual celebration--so the traditional gown was not going to work--but I didn't have a vision for what I wanted (Mistake #1). But a friend convinced me to go to one of those large wedding gown shops where you get a consultant, you try on 50 dresses, and they oh and ah over each one you try on. The only goal I had for that day was that we would walk out of that shop with a dress--I was NOT going through this shopping event again. And we did.
After the 6th or 7th dress, I found one I liked. Liked, not loved. It was a traditional, satiny, beaded, non-descript wedding dress. But as I stood there in all my glory and all the ladies were "oohing and aahing" I said yes. (Mistake #2) Even though I had heard 'oh, you just KNOW when it is the one,' I convinced myself that that was just urban legend and that I just wasn't a wedding dress girl. So I didn't listen to the little voice saying, "nope, this isn't it," because I told myself that it just wouldn't happen for me and I need to suck it up (Mistake #3), and I put down a deposit.
Not 3 hours later, as I sat on my couch thinking, "Maybe, that wasn't the dress," I started searching online, and I found the perfect dress. Beautiful lace-fitted dress for less than 1/2 of the price of the other one. I ordered it, telling myself that I could ship it back if I didn't like it. Weeks later, I received it in the mail, and I tried on the dress, and it was PERFECT--every part of me screamed YES. I showed it to my friend, and she too screamed YES! Even though she told me later, she wanted to hate it because she liked the other one so much, but it was so perfect she had to say yes. To this day, I look at that dress and smile.
So Let's Review the Common 'Ignoring Our Internal Voice' Mistakes.
Mistake #1 No Vision: You have to have a vision: you have to know what you want, know what you stand for, know what is important to you. Even if it has gotten buried there after years of neglect and maybe outright ignoring it, you have to know your vision, which is why I got my haircut. My vision was to do something radical, shift things up and give myself a good kick in the pants. So I researched haircuts, factored in my hair type and what had and hadn't worked in the past, and made a plan.
Mistake #2 Listening too Much to Others: It is so easy to get sucked into the opinions of others. When everyone was telling me how great I looked in my dress, it was easy to ignore the voice in my head saying, "but you didn't want a traditional dress"; "I thought you wanted lace"; "is this going to send the vibe of a casual wedding?" Taking in too much external feedback always drowns out our inner voice. I know from experience, this is a real problem for me. Before I got my haircut, I only told my nearest and dearest because I didn't want to hear any voices swaying me.
Mistake #3 Assuming you are Wrong: So often, we shut out our voice immediately because we just assume we are wrong. We assume we don't know, can't have it, or are just plain ignorant. Our inner voice is a place of wisdom. The wisdom it shares might not happen in our timeline. (No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't going to find my dress in that shop that day.) We have to trust it. We have to trust ourselves.
Clearly Speaking Your Needs
When you swallow, ignore, belittle your needs, it makes it even harder for people to remember, think about, or acknowledge them. Over time the more you don't speak up, the fewer people will think about what you might need.
Truth #1: Your needs DO matter. In fact, in my opinion, your needs are one of the most important things in your life. When you know what you value and know what you need, you can richly engage in your life. You no longer become chained to your to-do list or stuck in worry or doubt because you KNOW what is most important to you.
Truth #2: Basic human nature is to only think about ourselves. So other people, in general, are too busy thinking about their needs to worry about yours. In other words, if you aren't looking out for your needs, probably no one else is. Your needs ARE NOT a priority for other people.
Truth #3: When you swallow, ignore, belittle your needs, it makes it even harder for people to remember, think about, or acknowledge them. Over time the more you don't speak up, the fewer people will think about what you might need.
Truth #4: Women generally tend to be so good at looking out for other people's needs that we forget our own.
Truth #5: The ONLY way your needs will be heard/met/satisfied if:
A. You know what they are
B. You speak them clearly.
Here are some tips for Clearly Speaking Your Needs:
YOU NEED: You want your husband to help with the kids in the morning.
Timing: In the middle of the morning rush with the kids is not the time to mention the need. You are already stressed, and your husband will feel it came out of left field. (Remember, he most likely hasn't been thinking about your needs.) Instead, pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed to share that need.
Specifics: Ask yourself what do I REALLY, REALLY NEED? Get as specific as possible. What do I want my husband to do? Make breakfast? Pack lunches? Get the kids dressed? The more specific you can get on what you need, the better you will feel and the more direction he will have to 'hit' the need.
Tone: Speaking a need isn't a demand. It is a desire, a request, a potential negotiation. So be aware of how you are sharing the need. Just because you NEED it doesn't mean someone else will make it happen. The more you can share what you need, the closer you will get to achieving it. Pay attention to how you ask and how open you are to negotiating the need.
Patience: Remember, your husband sees the world entirely differently than you. He has his perceptions, needs, ideas, thoughts. So your need may be hitting him from out of left field no matter how specific you are. Respect those differences and remember they are ok. Also, if you haven't expressed a need in a while, having a spoken need may be a new concept for him, so be patient and keep trying!!
These tips work with co-workers, friends, not just your intimate relationships. We all need to get better about paying attention to our own AND other people's needs.
Trusting Yourself
Our culture is obsessed with winning, completion, and getting it done, that sometimes the lesson is knowing when to stop.
Last week my nearest and dearest and I decided to participate in Dr. Oz's three-day cleanse. Admittedly over the holidays, we had indulged more than our fair share in the spoils of food and wine. So after much research, we decided the Dr. Oz cleanse would be our best bet. "It will be easy"; "We can TOTALLY do this"; "We will feel SO much better by doing this," we said.
On day one, I felt great. I made and drank all my smoothies and felt more energized than before. I thought to myself, this is great! Upon arriving home, I realized my nearest and dearest wasn't feeling as amazing. In fact, he was debating quitting! Given that he lives with epilepsy, we knew going in we would be extra careful with his health. So we agreed he would continue to drink the smoothies AND eat real food.
Day 2 I woke up feeling awful, no energy, achy all over, and exhausted. After a 3 hour nap in the morning and barely moving off the couch, I realized I needed to eat before I was going to be able to see clients. So Wednesday afternoon, I gave in and made myself some peanut butter toast, and within a few hours, I was feeling better.
I learned SO much by being on this cleanse--even more so by not finishing it. I confess I am pretty competitive, so as I lay on the couch feeling completely miserable, I kept saying to myself, you can't give up you HAVE to keep going. And then there was the small voice that I like to call my biggest fan saying, "Really, you can't quit...says who? Why not? What are you trying to prove?"
In the past, I would have beaten myself up for not completing the cleanse; I would have told myself I was weak and unhealthy. I wouldn't have trusted myself. It was refreshing to hear my inner dialogue. As soon as those old voices came up, they silenced by my biggest fan saying, "Wisdom is admitting when to stop. You learned what you wanted to learn now implement that and move on". And I did learn A LOT. I made some commitments to myself on the areas of my diet I wanted to change, less sugar and caffeine, more fruits and vegetables.
Our culture is obsessed with winning, completion, and getting it done, that sometimes the lesson is knowing when to stop. For me, this cleanse was a reminder that I can say "No, that's not for me," even if everyone else is saying, "Yes, you will LOVE it."
Where have you said no when everyone else is saying yes? When have you not completed a plan because you knew it was the right thing for you? How does your biggest fan talk to you?
Checking into Your Life
Numbing has become a way of life. Bottom line if checking out is easier---why would I want to check in???
Numbing. The number one thing we as Americans do to ease the anxiety, perfectionism, fear, and frustration of life. We numb through alcohol, food, TV, video games, reading mindless fiction, gossip, and exercise. Is all numbing bad? No, I enjoy a nice glass of wine. I had a fabulous cupcake for dessert today, and my nearest and dearest and I love zoning out in front of the TV on occasion. BUT when numbing becomes a way of life, then we have a problem. I am not talking about indulging in mindless behavior from time to time. I am talking about: CHECKING OUT OF YOUR LIFE, going through the motions, and not engaging.
When my nearest and dearest and I spend three nights in a row watching bad TV and playing Words with Friends (with each other on our iPads), we have a problem!!
When you can't remember the last time you had a conversation with your kids that didn't involve a phone or a computer, then we have a problem.
When 1 cupcake becomes 5 regularly, then we have a problem.
When you can't remember the last time you engaged in an activity that made you joyous, then we have a problem.
When every day looks like the last, then we have a problem.
Numbing has become a way of life. Checking out is easier than having the tough conversations, facing the "OMG, how did I get here?!?!" moment, or realizing the job/relationship/house that was supposed to be temporary has been around for over 5 years. Bottom line if checking out is easier---why would I want to check in???
Because once you get over the initial hump of re-engaging, checking in means, you live your life. You are doing work YOU enjoy, in a loving and supportive relationship, and living a life YOU want to be living. Checking in means you have a life you designed, and you can tweak and change it as you grow and change. Checking in means technicolor, connections, engagement, passion, and love. Ready to re-engage?
FIRST, you have to build awareness of when you check out and why. So start noticing your favorite mode of checking out--is it watching TV, overeating, over-exercising, or drinking too much?
Start noticing when you are engaging in your checking out behaviors--what happened right before or throughout the day to trigger the need to check out? Be gentle here and give yourself A LOT of room. Sometimes, something that appears small may have caused us to check out, but it is just the tip of the iceberg in reality.
Ask yourself, what am I FEELING? What am I AVOIDING? What am I AFRAID of? And most importantly, where do I need some COMPASSION? Then take action, take a baby step. Express the feeling, reach out to someone, start journaling, cry, scream, be sad. Just DO something where you are engaging in your life.
Start having regular conversations with yourself and other people about what matters to you. What do you want out of your life? What small steps can you take to implement these passions' interests? What big steps do you need to take to implement these passions? How can you break down the big steps?
Checking in to life and stopping the constant numbing is the first step to Living Happier. I guarantee taking back control of your life is amazing!!
Before Speaking Your Needs You Need to Notice Them
The thing about needs is when we ignore them for long enough, they get more and quieter and harder and harder to hear. They don't become any less important; they just become harder to pay attention to.
"Speak your Needs" if you work with me or interact with me, you will hear those words come out of my mouth now and then. I believe that we all (especially women) need to get better about speaking our needs. In reality, we need to get better about knowing our needs or even being aware that we have needs.
The scenario is a simple one; you come home from work, and you want to go out to dinner. You are tired, and the idea of coming up with what to cook again is just too daunting. As you walk in the door, you notice your partner already wearing his comfy clothes lounging on the couch, and you assume that you are 'in for the night.' You go through 'the what to make for dinner' debate, and you both prepare a nice meal. You still had visions of going out to dinner. But the problem is you never shared that scenario with your partner. You swallow the need that you want to eat out and 'make do' with eating in. You didn't even give your partner the chance to go out--you just ASSUMED they wouldn't want to eat out in this scenario.
I agree that the example is silly and benign.
But it is the beginning of the belief system that: 'my needs don't matter,' there is no point in speaking up,' and 'I won't get heard anyway.'
How often do the words "It doesn't matter," "I don't care," "whatever you want" come out of your mouth?
The thing about needs is when we ignore them for long enough, they get more and quieter and harder and harder to hear. They don't become any less important; they just become harder to pay attention to. Too often, for the sake of safety, for peace, we ignore our needs. And then, on a larger scale, it becomes harder and harder to say what we need or want out of our lives.
The other tricky thing about needs is just because we speak a need doesn't mean it has to get met. So had you come home and said to your partner, "I want to go out to dinner tonight," your partner had the right to say, "Aw, I just put on my comfy pants and was planning on hanging out at home."
THEN...you can dig a little deeper and figure out why you want to go out to dinner.
Is it too?
Connect with your partner in a different way than eating in front of the TV
Sit outside and enjoy the evening air
Too tired to come up with dinner and just don't want to cook.
Depending on what it is you NEED from going out to dinner, you can then negotiate with your partner and say:
"let's eat at the dinner table tonight,"
"let's eat outside"
"let's order in"
"can you make dinner tonight? I am too tired."
So it can then be a win-win. You can get your need met, and so can your partner!
Start paying attention to your needs. Even if you don't express them all the time, just start building awareness that you do have needs. Get in the habit of exploring what it is you need in any given situation.
Our needs give us insight into our dreams, our passions, and what we value. As we start noticing and sharing our needs, we will naturally live happier because we will be more authentically engaging with the world.
Happiness According to Mad Men
“Do you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of a road that screams with reassurance that whatever you're doing is OK. You are OK. "
The other night we watched Mad Men--(yes, I know I am a little late to this party, we finally got on board). For those of you who are late to the party, like me, Mad Men is a TV show about an advertising agency which takes place in the 50s. In the first episode of the first season, one of the ad execs gave a definition of happiness that made me sit up and scream "yes!!"
".....And do you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of a road that screams with reassurance that whatever you're doing is OK. You are OK. "
So granted, this quote pertains to advertising, and the back story involves an ad campaign for Lucky Strike cigarettes. Still, I have been thinking and thinking about this quote tossing it around, seeing if it fits the general definition of happiness, and I believe it does.
When I think of the times that I have been the happiest, my wedding day, being on vacation, or working with a client. During those times, I was feeling confident, secure, positive. I was getting confident, secure, positive feedback around me. I knew what I was doing was OK. I knew I was where I needed to be, making choices I needed to make and feeling the support of my gut and the people around me.
Similarly, I think about days when I am feeling happy vs. days I am not and the simple tasks that might make me happy one day the next day I resent. Walking my dog, Mocha, is a great example. Frequently there are times that I walk her, and I just feel giddy. She is excited and joyful, the day is beautiful, we are out of the house getting fresh air, and I am fully present and happy. Then there are days like yesterday when I head out to walk the dog because I haven't done so in 3 days. I am bitter and feeling bad that I haven't walked her, we are running late, and my to-do list is a mile long. So I spend the walk feeling insecure, unconfident, and ineffective, Not present, not joyful.
I see it frequently with clients who leave my office all excited that they have figured out what comes next in their career, their gut is telling them it is a good idea, the research they have done is telling them it is a good idea, and their support system is telling them it is a good idea. They are OK, they are happy. Then they leave my office, head out into the world to network, job search, apply to grad school, and they get rejected, disappointed, or hurt, and they aren't feeling reassured anymore they aren't OK. They aren't happy. But it isn't because they have picked the wrong career or that their heart can't sing. It is the ebbs and flows of happiness.
Happiness comes and goes. There are days when I am happier, more confident, more self-assured than others. There are days when all pistons are firing, conversations with clients are dead-on, writing is fluid, and I adore my job. Then there are days when I can't come up with an idea to save my life, client meetings are stilted and cloudy, and I question my value as a career counselor.
We will have days when we aren't clicking when the world outside and inside makes us question our choices. The trick comes in recognizing those days are all part of the journey. Happiness will come, we will feel OK again. The power in change keeps moving, keeping carrying on even when we have an off day, even when we aren't 'feeling it.' Knowing that it is a temporary glitch in our long-term plan. When we can recognize that the self-doubt and feeling 'not OK' are all part of the process of life, we can slow down and let those days pass without taking them on as 'the truth.' Then when the happy days come we can celebrate them with gusto!!
Letting Go of the Need to Justify
Many years ago, a mentor of mine said to me, "You don't need to justify, prove or defend the decisions in your life. Your decisions are your decisions. People don't have to approve of them to make them better or worse." It was a revolutionary statement for me.
Now and then, someone will say something that just stops you in your tracks. Many years ago, a mentor of mine said to me, "You don't need to justify, prove or defend the decisions in your life. Your decisions are your decisions. People don't have to approve of them to make them better or worse." It was a revolutionary statement for me. I was practically paralyzed in my life because every decision I made had to be rational and logical. From time to time, I have to remind myself that I don't need to justify, prove or defend why I choose to do something. Fortunately, I have people in my world, like my nearest and dearest, who can lovingly remind me when this old habit comes into play, and I try always to make the "right" decision--when in reality, it doesn't matter.
As I work with clients on decreasing their anxiety, inevitably, this topic comes up. We get in the habit of explaining our lives, explaining our emotions, justifying our decisions, and making them 'ok' to the outside world. When we live our lives in justification mode, it is challenging to make decisions that go against the grain of what others might think is best for us.
A few years ago, I had a client who wanted to leave her job--the same one she had been working at for the past 20 years--and her brothers and sisters kept telling her she was crazy. Her spouse was supportive and gave her a lot of room to explore, and even offered to support her if she needed to go back to school. But she was stuck; she kept going back to her family and trying to justify her decision. Finally, one day, I wrote on a piece of paper, in big lettering, "IT IS YOUR LIFE YOU DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY, PROVE OR DEFEND YOUR DECISIONS." She looked at me amazed, and a wave of relief washed over her. I suggested that each time she felt tempted to explain to someone, she could read this sign.
Her homework was to pay attention to how much time she spent in justification mode on a day-to-day basis. At her next appointment, she immediately started talking about how much time she spent explaining her decisions. She started by just reviewing at the end of the day, all the times she could remember that she justified decisions. Gradually as she became more aware of the habit, she started noticing it at the moment. She made a mark on a piece of paper every time she was explaining her thought process. She was amazed at how frequently she felt compelled to justify her life. From the kids' bedtime to what to have for dinner, almost every decision required some logical basis, a defense that wasn't necessary.
She realized that she was, in essence, 'on guard' for all of her thoughts by being in justification mode all the time. She was so exhausted from proving all the small choices in her life; it was impossible to mount a defense for the major life choices. In her case, growing up, her family put a lot of pressure on her to be 'right' to be justified. Regardless of the reason, when we get stuck in the habit of justifying, proving, and defending our decisions, it becomes more and more challenging to make decisions because it takes so much effort to mount a defense. Many of the things that make us happiest in life aren't logical or rational. If we all lived purely logical, rational lives--we would be pretty dull. Some of the most exciting things in life are because we followed our gut. The happiest people I know live from that place of following their gut, going with the flow, and not justifying, proving, or defending every life decision.
The Power of the Should
Should. It is such a powerful word. The problem with shoulds is that they disguise themselves as helpful when they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves.
Should. It is such a powerful word. The statement 'don't should all over yourself' is pervasive in the self-help/therapy community. Yet these shoulds come out all the time. I should clean the house. I should be playing with my daughter. I shouldn't watch TV. I shouldn't eat this pizza. I should be a better listener. I should be more social. I should be less social. I should work out more and on and on and on. Ad infinitum, these shoulds invade our psyche.
The problem with shoulds is that they disguise themselves as helpful when they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves. They force us to be externally controlled. Usually, the voice of the should is from someone we know from our past, a parent, a teacher, a personal trainer, or a therapist. The voice of a should rarely is our own. Also, these shoulds tend to snowball. From one should, "I should work out." comes a giant slalom of hammering that ends up with me being the world's unhealthiest woman, who is homebound and miserable.
So the secret is to break down the should. The first step is to start bringing awareness to how much you say the word should. For me, it tends to break into my psyche more when I am feeling tired, insecure, and disconnected from myself. In short, the shoulds come out to play when I am running on auto-pilot. When I catch myself acting out a should, I notice I am half-hearted, not as engaged in the activity because I am doing it out of external control. When I engage in a should activity, I usually end up feeling resentful and bitter. So if we can catch ourselves in a should before it starts snowballing, we can start to develop other ideas for how to handle the should.
For example, you are busy with a deadline at work, and you realize it is your night to make dinner. You tell yourself you SHOULD go home and make a healthy dinner, but really, you want to pick up pizza and call it a night. Maybe it would be the 3rd night in a row that your family has eaten take-out. They really SHOULD have a healthy meal. Your mom cooked you a healthy meal every night of the week. You are such a bad mom, and now we are off to the races, hammer, hammer, hammer. All from one little should, one little meal that you are too tired to cook and suddenly you are the world's worst human being. First off, be aware you are shoulding--you know what you should do, but what do you want to do, you want to order pizza, but your kids deserve a healthy meal. So you start thinking of compromises.
You can:
get a pizza and make a healthy vegetable to go with it.
pick up take-out that is healthier than a pizza.
leave work early and cook a good dinner because, in reality, it would be nice to cook a meal for a change and you have a new recipe.
just order the pizza and recognize that tomorrow is another day, and maybe your kids didn't get the healthiest meal today, but tomorrow you will pack them a healthy lunch.
In my mind, there are three negatives to SHOULDs:
They put us in black and white thinking and remove any alternatives.
They force us to be controlled by something outside of ourselves.
They snowball and can become evil tools for us to hammer ourselves.
So, the next time you catch yourself 'shoulding':
1. Remind yourself that it is coming from something external.
2. Give yourself some options around the should.
3. Ground yourself and decide which option makes the most sense for your current circumstances.
4. Let it go. (I admit this one is the hardest part.) But the more you practice it, the happier you will be.
Embrace your Vulnerability
It is such a two-edged sword. On one edge is the idea of being open, being a risk-taker, being passionate, and exposed to life. However, in reality, being vulnerable has the potential to cause pain. Thus the double-edged sword.
I have been thinking a lot about the term vulnerability lately. It is such a two-edged sword. On one edge is the idea of being open, being a risk-taker, being passionate, and exposed to life. "Sucking the marrow out of life," as they say in one of my all-time favorite movies Dead Poets Society. However, in reality, being vulnerable has the potential to cause pain. Thus the double-edged sword. Inherent in the act of vulnerability is a risk to love, dream, inspire, aspire, and be happier. All of those things require us to be open and vulnerable to potential pain and suffering.
Vulnerability by its very nature means potentially being wrong; it means opening oneself up to pain and sorrow. Vulnerability means potentially failing, picking the "wrong" love, aspiring for the "wrong" goal, putting one's hope and dreams on the line. It means letting someone see me as weak—that I haven't planned ahead—that I am not in control. Vulnerability is total exposure. It is all defenses down, no safety net, no harness.
However, I believe vulnerability has gotten a bad wrap. Vulnerability, in my opinion, is truly living. It is juicy and risky and, in some ways, downright relaxing. It allows us to drop the pretense of control or perfection (which we never really have anyway) and just live, allowing people to see us for who we are and be open to their love and vulnerability. Vulnerability is being human and trusting that it will all work out how it should:
even if decisions cause pain and challenges,
even if I mess up big time and end up in a puddle on the floor,
even when someone sees me fully exposed, naked, bare souled crying, and miserable.
Vulnerability allows them to pick me up and dust myself off and share a part of my soul. Vulnerability is not a weakness; from vulnerability comes great strength. What greater gift than that to give to someone and myself the gift of me being me--no pretense or hiding, just me? AH! That is the challenge: to live life open and vulnerable, not scared, sad, and insecure. Open to what life brings you, open to the people in your life and the relationships that if you would just let in might be the best thing that ever happened to you.
We are not taught to live with vulnerability. We are taught to play it safe, be responsible, protect ourselves. But I will push back and say some of the best experiences of my life have been when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, both in my career and in my personal life. I am not saying all of those experiences were joyful, happy ones, but they were rich and juicy, and I wouldn't change them for the world.
The actual quote from, The Dead Poet's Society is:
"Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone. There is a time for daring, and there is a time for caution. A wise man understands which is called for."
That is the challenge of vulnerability, trusting yourself to know when to be open and when to be cautious.
I'll Be Happy When Syndrome
Frequently clients come into my office so focused on what they don't have and are stuck in 'all be happy when' syndrome that they miss their children growing or the joy they get from their friends, or the happiness they find in their job.
It is a common struggle to say to ourselves, "I will be happy when (fill in the blank),"
When the kids sleep through the night.
When I am in a relationship.
When I lose 30 lbs.
When I have a baby.
When I own a house.
When I love my job.
When I retire.
When I am on vacation.
The list can go on and on and on. I often joke that when you are single, everyone asks when you will find someone? Once you find that special someone, the question is, when are you getting married? Then when are you having a child? And then when are you going to have another? It is a dangerous trap always to be looking to the future for happiness. The temptation to plan for the future is all around us. If we aren't happy now, then there is always the future.
It is my belief, as with everything in the world, it is about balance. I write this post. I can be in the now, noticing my dog is curled up next to me on her cozy fresh out of the laundry bed while also planning for the future, making marketing plans for the next 12 months. Both of those are important. It is important to have dreams and look towards the future but not at the expense of the present.
Frequently clients come into my office so focused on what they don't have and are stuck in 'all be happy when' syndrome that they miss their children growing or the joy they get from their friends, or the happiness they find in their job. One of my first roles as a therapist is to help someone engage in their present while making the necessary changes for their future. Sometimes we have to LOOK to find the joys in our lives, and sometimes they are pretty small. I guarantee they are out there. Even if it is noticing the change of seasons, enjoying a good cup of coffee, laughing with a friend, smiling at your children, small joys are everywhere and pull us out of the "I'll be Happy When Syndrome."
The ironic thing is many times, when the "When" happens; it brings other problems. When we find a relationship, we have to learn how to be in a relationship. When we have a child, we have to learn how to raise a child. When we get the dream job, we have to learn how to do it. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet in life; there is no magical "When." We won't necessarily be happier WHEN something happens. The key is to strive for our future, have goals/purpose, AND enjoy your present. Don't miss out on the joys and happiness you have right now in your search for the "When."
Name Your Values
Once we know our top five values, then we can direct our lives and our life decisions around those five values. When we are aware of our values, we have a core place to come from when making life choices.
This weekend a friend of mine and I were watching the movie City Slickers. In the movie, Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a ranch to drive cattle. While there, he meets an old cowboy named Curly (Jack Palance). My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life.
"You know what the secret to life is?" Jack asks, and he holds up his finger.
Billy says, "Your finger?"
"No one thing, once you figure that out, nothing else matters (he said it a little more cowboyesque, so I edited it) Jack says,
Billy says, "What's the one thing?"
"That's what you have to figure out." Jack says
I remember seeing that clip in the theater and thinking ONE THING?!?! That is just too hard to come up with one thing!
We need to figure out what our thing is, whether that be one thing or five things. I do believe we need to limit it at some point just for the sake of focus. Once we figure out our top five things, then we can direct our lives and our life decisions around those five things. For me, the easiest way to do this is to look at our top five values. When we are aware of our values, we have a core place to come from when making life choices. Here are a few examples: Let's say you value family, and that is in your top 5 values, then you will make decisions that allow you to support/spend more time with your family.
If you value social change, you will make everyday choices that inspire social change through the clothes you wear, the websites you go to, the products you use, etc. If you value creativity, you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side, whether drawing, painting, idea developing, or writing. The glitch comes when we value something, but we aren't making choices around it. For example, you value family, but you are working all the time, so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity, but you never give yourself time to engage in artistic activities.
I believe--as Curly did in the movie City Slickers when we come up with our one thing (or 5), it makes it easier to focus on what's essential in our lives. Therefore the small everyday choices or the big life decisions become easier because we can always go back to the question of what do I value? When we are living from our values--we are living happier.