Episode 010: Lies We Tell Ourselves About Stress

Looking at the messages we tell ourselves that keep us stuck in a pattern of stress…how is stress serving you?

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Welcome to this podcast, where I share my stories and lessons. I've learned on my quest to live happier. Today we're going to be talking about lies we tell ourselves about stress.

Now let's get into the show. So in episode eight, just a couple of weeks ago, I talked about reducing strategies for reducing stress and enhancing energy. And in that podcast, I talked specifically about the messages we have around stress. And since then, I've been doing some presentations about reducing stress. And I've been talking about reducing stress in my own life. And I realized that these messages that we tell ourselves around stress are lies that help keep us stressed. So some of the messages we tell ourselves are:

*This is how it's supposed to be.

*Life is stressful.

*You just have to get through it.

*Or grin and bear it,

*or it's better to be busy than not.

*I get more done. The more stressed I am.

*Or my favorite. Just be grateful.

So today, I want to dive into those messages individually and discuss how they keep us stressed and why they are such lies.

So somewhere, we've been raised to have these beliefs that good people are stressed. Stress equals having a lot to do; stress equals staying out of trouble. Stress equals being productive. Stress equals being a good member of society.

Stress does not equal that. That is a bald-faced lie. Stress is not how it's supposed to be.

We are not supposed to be running from thing to thing. It is not a badge of honor that we only get four hours of sleep or that we have to drink wine at the end of the day. And then a cup of coffee at the beginning of the day. That is not a good sign of where we're headed.

Stress is chronic. It causes so many health problems, so many mental health problems. It is the reason that I have full practice because people are stressed, and they're looking for answers on how to stop being stressed. But at the same time, Part of the reason my job is so hard is that we get off on being stressed.

We get a kick out of being stressed. Not really. We hate it. We hate that. It gives us headaches. We hate that it hurts our backs. We hate that we're running from thing to thing, but at the same time, there's a big part of us that has these messages around grinning and bearing it. Or it's better to be busy than not. And the killer, we get more done the more stressed we are. I don't know how many times I've heard that from my friends, from my clients. Even I have said it; I'm more productive the more stressed I am, the closer we get to a deadline, the more productive we are. And so we have this misnomer that we get more done when we're freaked out.

When in reality, we get more done when we're relaxed, and we're focused, and we're concentrating on something. I want to bring some attention to how often you tell yourself a lie around being stressed.

The killer one is the be grateful. I talked about that in a previous episode of this podcast, the being grateful and how it keeps us stuck, but it also keeps us stressed, and you will hear a lot of other people will say that being grateful is the key to releasing stress and releasing worry.

At least we're going to be grateful. But I sometimes think it works. Not even sometimes. I know it works in the other way that a lot of times be great grateful forces us keeps us stuck in stress. So I'm going through my day. I have a thousand things on my to-do list. I'm like, Oh, I wish I wasn't so busy. I wish I wasn't so stressed.

Be grateful. At least you have kids. Be grateful. At least you have all this time and money to spend running from thing to thing. Be grateful. At least you have a job. And that be grateful piece that is just killer because then not only am I really stressed now I'm supposed to be grateful about it.

And that's a kick in the head. I'm supposed to be grateful for being stressed. Being grateful has nothing to do with being stressed. And it is not a way to talk us down. It has been abused. It has been overused. The point of being grateful is for us to pause and stop and look up and see what's around us.

So I'm running around from thing to thing. And I'm crazy stressed. Gratitude should be stepping in when I'm looking up at the sky, and I'm like, Oh, it's a beautiful day. Oh, it's really nice outside. Oh, the sun is shining. Oh, look at my child. My little girl's smiling in the back seat.

That's gratitude. Gratitude. Isn't suck it up and keep going and be grateful. Gratitude isn't put a smile on your face. It could be worse. Gratitude is when we stop, and we enjoy, and we look around, and we see what's out there. That's gratitude. So I think gratitude has really been twisted and demented that we're supposed to be grateful for these terrible things that are happening to us.

I've had people say to me about my dad having Parkinson's with dementia that I should be grateful for what the disease brings. Okay. That's a bit of a stretch that disease does not bring a lot of things that I'm grateful for. That disease has not given me many things I'm grateful for, but there are things around that situation that I can be grateful for.

I can be grateful for the time I get to spend with my dad. I can be grateful for the conversations that we have when he's with it. I can be grateful that I have the time to spend with him. And that time can be stressful, and I need a lot of breaks from it, and it's overwhelming, and I'm angry about it and all the other things that go with it.

So when we use be grateful as a way for us to basically be telling ourselves to stop and shut up, that's when being grateful becomes a problem. As you can tell, I have a lot to say about the phrase, be grateful. The other killer one is, better to be busy than not, or again, more done. The more stressed I am.

And I touched on that one already, but the belief system that if I'm not pushing myself super hard, if I'm not driving myself from thing to thing, I'm going to be less productive, or I'm going to be less of a person, or I'm going to not be worth it. What are we going to do? If we're not pushing ourselves, we're going to sit on the couch and eat Reesie cups all day long.

I don't think so. That would get a little boring. I think we're still going to get a lot done. I think we're just going to get a lot done a lot less stressed. So my challenge is to really be paying attention to how often those messages we have around stress and exhaustion and the secret pride that we take in being stressed and exhausted and gradually unhooking those, because it isn't, like I said, in episode eight, it isn't that we don't know how to relieve stress there.

I believe it's these messages that are keeping us stuck in stress because we get so much out of it. When we have the belief that it's better to be busy than not, why would we ever stop being busy? Now the other messages, if I stop, I will be completely lazy, and I will never do anything. And I think that really gets us into trouble because that keeps us riding on this treadmill.

That is our lives of stress and exhaustion. And so sometimes when we have these messages, I believe, and I know it true for me, it's that I don't want to stop moving because I'm afraid of what's going to come up. I don't want to get off the treadmill. I don't want to stop obsessing about my to-do list because that to-do list is a way that I numb out that stress and that running from thing to thing is a way I avoid the emotions and what's really going on in my life. And I see it with my clients too. The busier we are, the more we're pushing ourselves. Usually, that's a sign that there's something pretty big in our lives that we're trying to avoid. So I know when I am super amped up and super, the to-do list is way huge, and I've packed a bunch of stuff on it.

That's a time when I need to even more. So be pausing. Checking in and seeing what's there, even though it's the last thing I want to do, I don't want to stop when I'm that busy. I want to keep going. I'm running really hard and really fast from something that I'm afraid to face. And what happens is when we stop running, and we turn around, and we actually face that emotional hole, it's never as big as we think it's going to be.

It's never as huge as we think it's going to be always. It's better to face the hole than to keep running ourselves into the ground. So this week, I really want you to be paying attention to what are those messages that are keeping you in stress? What are the beliefs you have that are keeping you in stress?

And are you running from something? Is your stress keeping you from facing what's really going on in your life? Maybe it's keeping you from facing just the fact that you're unhappy or you're unfulfilled, or you don't like your job, or your relationship isn't where you thought it would be, or your kids or you're stressed about them getting into college, or you're stressed about them getting through the eighth grade or whatever.

We all have stress, and that's okay. We all have emotions, and those emotions are okay. But when we're using our stress and our to-do list to numb from those emotions, that's when we get into trouble.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Take a Walk

This one might not be much of a challenge, but take some time to get outside, breathe, look up at the beautiful blue sky and the changing leaves if you live near changing leaves. And I'm amazed how a simple walk around the block can just change my thoughts and my attitude.

It can help me reduce stress tenfold, just stopping and breathing and looking around. Okay.

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Episode 009: Dealing with the First Responder

 Tips on how to deal with your first responders AKA shame, inner critic, bully, mongers, gremlins etc.

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Tips for dealing with the First Responder:

Remind yourself that it is probably a First Responder. When our Mongers jump in guns blazing, lovingly remind yourself that it is just a First Responder trying to keep things safe and secure.

Remind yourself of the old saying 'first thought wrong.' Frequently when you can tell yourself that the first thought is wrong, you can then ask yourself to come up with a new thought. This new thought should be an easy, loving phrase that you can repeat to yourself in order to remind yourself that you are ok. Such as, "I got this." "Self-care is ok." "I am qualified and competent."

Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. Anytime we make a change, we are going to be scared and fearful. Our Mongers serve us by pointing out where bad things might be happening (admittedly, their approach is at times quite mean); it is our job to chose to listen or not. Remind yourself that you have a choice. You don't have to accept everything they say at face value.

Basically, we are all driving our own bus, and our passengers are our Mongers. Our job as the bus driver is to be clear on our destination, and the Monger's job as the passengers are to keep us safe and protected and, therefore, to basically stop the bus. As we are driving the bus, one by one, the Mongers will come up to the front of the bus and let us know why we shouldn't continue to our destination. They will take turns giving their particular reason as to why we should stop the bus. Each Monger has a different job, self-doubt, 'who do you think you are,' fear, or 'you can't do that (to name a few). Our job as the bus driver is to be really clear about our destination, not listen to the Mongers and keep driving the bus.

I love this analogy because the number one way I have found to deal with the Mongers is to physically acknowledge and diminish their power. This bus driving analogy gives me an easy—practical, visual and physical way of acknowledging and diminishing. In my own world, the Mongers tend to come out and play more when I am trying to write. As I sit down to write and begin my process, I will eventually be inundated with 'you can't do that,'' who are you to write that, 'you have had no real training.' And before I know it, the last thing I want to do is write, and I find myself sitting in front of the TV watching Real Housewives. Recently I have tried this visual as I have been writing. When I am sitting at my computer, it is like I am driving the bus, and as the Mongers come up to whisper in my ear, I can turn to them and ask them to take their seat and visualize them returning because I am driving to the completed book destination!!

Having this image in my head, combined with the physical act of turning and telling the Monger to sit down, has made a HUGE difference in both my writing and my Monger defeating.

Remind yourself of what is most important to you. Check-in with your wise self to find out what type of life you want to be living and whether the actions you are taking fit that life. If the answer is yes, and you are still getting hammered by your Monger, return to lovingly reminding your Monger of your priorities.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Savor a Meal

Pick one meal each day and savor it. Take the time to sit down and enjoy the meal. Savor each bite, pay attention to how it tastes and feels in your mouth.

Too often we rush through our meals and multi-task through them. This week try to savor at least one meal a day.

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Episode 008: Reducing Stress and Enhancing Energy

 Reducing Stress and Enhancing Energy is the most popular topic for my speaking engagements. The problem is we know how to reduce stress. We just don't do it. In this podcast, I look at, why that is the case and what we can do about it.

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Welcome to this podcast, where I share my stories and lessons I've learned and continue to learn on my quest to live happier.

So first off, I have to apologize. My voice is a little funky. I'm getting over a cold, and it just keeps hanging on. It's not making me any happier, but I'm recording anyway and powering through.

If I sound a little stuffy, that would be why. So today, we're gonna talk about reducing stress and enhancing energy. And one of the main reasons I wanted to talk about it is because it's by far the most popular topic for any of my speaking engagements. So if I get called to do a speaking gig, it's usually around this topic and the issue I have with this topic, and I love this topic, but the issue I have with it is that We know how to reduce stress.

We know how to relax. We know what we need to be doing. We're just not doing that. So in this podcast, I want to look at why that is the case and what we can do about it. The concept of self-care is not a new one. Watch the today show any morning, and they have something on self-care. Watch Oprah, pick up a magazine everywhere we look; there are tips for us on how we can reduce stress, we know to breathe.

We know when you eat, we know we need to exercise. We know we need to sleep, but we're not doing that. And so it's not so much a lack of knowledge. It's really a lack of implementation. And so then when there's a lack of implementation, you really gotta look at why what's underneath that what's really going on.

And so we all know. But the glorification of busy the glorification of busy is pervasive in this society. So we gain status from less sleep. The longer to lists, the busier that our lives are you. It's counter-cultural to value peace and space in our time. Facebook is filled with posts about memes, about valuing peace and space.

And we all want that. And we all think it's great, but none of us are really doing it. And there's really a commonplace that we feel shame and guilt around when we're not busy. There's a competition around how little sleep I got six hours. I only had to do it in four. Or how long were you were at work or how How late we stayed up or how little we've eaten or any of that stuff.

The glorification of busy really is a challenge to us in the idea of reducing stress and enhancing energy because it is hard to go against the culture to say "no" to say, "I don't want to do that," to say "I'm gonna take some time for myself." So for me, I know that just the proactive approach doesn't really help in reducing stress.

I'm not real great at Taking care of myself proactively, but I am much better at being reactive to my stress than I used to be. I'm much better about paying attention to when I'm stressed and then working in some stress-reducing behaviors. And as I've done that more and more in my life, stress becomes less and less because I can nip it in the bud.

So much faster. So there are three things that I really pay attention to. One is, and I'm gonna talk about each of these in a little more detail, but one is, what are my stress behaviors? The second is what are my messages around stress? And the last one is what are my stress triggers? So what are the things that cause me stress?

And I have a great handout on stress triggers, but let's go back to what are your stress behaviors? If you start paying attention to what are the things you do when you're stressed? Once you start noticing, these are the things I do when I'm stressed; then you can start implementing a stress-reducing activity, which, as I said, we already know eating right sleeping, going on a walk doing meditation or mindfulness activity breathing.

We know what we need to do just in stress. And one of the ways. To implement that is to be more reactive around our stress behaviors. So stress behaviors can be numbing with food, alcohol, work, TV, shopping, stress behavior can be to go, go, go. That is my favorite stress behavior. So the more stressed I am, the more, the harder I push myself, which is really counterintuitive.

And I know a lot of especially women, have that mentality of I'm just going to keep pushing so I can keep getting a lot accomplished. And so we pushed down what it is we're stressed about, and we just go. Even when we're exhausted, that's a stress behavior. When we have physical headaches, stomach aches, chest backaches, those are all stress behaviors.

So the minute I notice since mine is go, go, go that I am pushing myself. I now know to ask myself, Whoa, what's going on. You're a little overwhelmed. Let's back that up a little bit. And do some deep breathing or let's back that up for a little bit and do some stretches or let's back that up a little bit and go for a walk.

When I noticed that I'm numbing out to the TV and playing on my iPad at the same time, I might be like, okay, let's put that down and pick up a book or let's do some journaling and pay attention to what's really going on here. So noticing your stress behaviors and then being able to work it backward into a stress reduce reducing activity is a great way to enhance energy.

Another one. That's a big one for a lot of us. So one of our messages around stress. For a lot of people, the reason we're not reducing stress is because stress is a pride point. So one of our attitudes around stress is life is stressful. You just have to get through, or this is how it's supposed to be, or grit and Barrett or better to be busy than not.

Or one of the worst is I get more done. The more stressed I am. So if you have those messages around stress, it's really important to notice. When those start getting triggered. Cause they usually get triggered. The more stressed we are. So we convince ourselves that it's not okay to take a break. It's not okay to stop because life is stressful, and you just have to get through, or it's better to be busy than not.

Or we get more done, the more stressed we are. And so the more we push on those messages, the more stressed we get. So it's really important to notice how you feel when you're engaging in self-care or when you're practicing mindfulness. What are those messages that come up that, that tell you, keep pushing those messages around stress can be really detrimental to reducing stress?

So when you notice those messages, that's the time to be reactive and put in a stress-reducing activity. And then the last one of the three is, what are your stress triggers and what are the behaviors, the tasks, events that cause you the most stress. And I actually have a great worksheet that I will attach to the website.

live-happier.com backslash podcast that talks about these stress triggers and really helps you get a handle on it because I believe the number one way to deal with stress. And the theme of all of this is to be intentional. And when you're intentional about how you spend your time, what your priorities are what's most important to you.

You can plan your day better and manage that stress a little better. So this inventory exercise that I have. I call it how full is your glass? And if you think of your life, energy, like water in a glass, you can, and as you go through the day, you have things that totally deplete your glass that leave you feeling less energized and miserable.

And you have things that fill your glass up. And throughout the day, you have those things they're doing that are filling you up and those things that are depleting you. And then there's a middle category that I think is really important. And that category is the things that don't really change the energy level of your glass very much, but they just leave you feeling peaceful and calm.

This is like your spouse or your partner or your best friend, someone who's there for you. You're there for them. And they don't really ever take too much or give too much. It just evens out the level. And so it's nice to have those people that we can just be around, and we don't have to worry about giving, or we don't have to worry about getting, we're just being. So this inventory is really awesome on two levels.

It's awesome on a macro level because it helps you look at the big picture of your life. And a lot of times, when my clients do this exercise, they recognize how much of their lives is being depleted energetically. And so they're engaging in a lot of what I call obligation tasks, and obligation tasks are those that We do out of obligation, and we don't have to do them.

There are definitely things we all have to do, but there are some things that we tell ourselves that we should do that really, we don't have to be doing them. And so to make, be asking which of these obligation tasks can I get rid of which of these tasks? And I give someone else to do, which of these obligation tasks are just tests that I'm telling myself are important, and they're really not.

So getting a handle on the big picture of your life and then on a micro level, getting a handle on the day-to-day. So what activities can you add to your day that will fill your glass up again? And how can you be more mindful of your glass throughout the day? So when you look at the day, when I have a day that I know is going to be particularly draining all day, then I make sure at the end of the day I add in something that's going to fill me back up.

So I make sure I have, at the end of a crappy day, I might make sure I have a date night planned with my husband or at the end of the crappy day. I know there's a TV show that I'm going to look forward to watching or at the end of a crappy day. I know At the end of a draining day, in particular, I know that I'm going to have a good book that I'm going to be reading, something that is treating myself kindly.

That's going to help bring that stress level back down and enhance my energy. I think that's key is asking yourself throughout the day, how full is my glass light? Right now, where is my energy level? It really can help you reduce stress and enhance energy. So, in summary, when it comes to reducing stress and enhancing energy, I think it's really important to remind yourself that you know how to reduce stress and enhance energy.

You know what to do to be more in control of your life. It's about being reactive to when you're feeling stressed and implementing some stress, reducing behaviors—so paying attention to those triggers and those behaviors and your attitudes about stress and where your glorification of busy is falling into play.

And it's also about paying attention to, how full is your glass? It's where your intentions are and your priorities, and what's your energy level going to be for the day. And how can you add in some stuff to make your energy better, to make your stress less? That's what it's all about—being intentional about your day, your stress level.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Setting an intention for the day.

So at some point, before you get too crazy with your day, take three deep breaths and set an intention for the day. You can do this before you get out of bed each morning; before you get out of your car to walk into work; as you pour your morning coffee. I don't care when as long as you're clear and setting an intention.

Sticky notes are really going to be helpful for this one. Whether you need one to remind you to set an intention or to remind you what the intention is. Some of the intentions, examples can be compassion or kindness or breathe, move towards peace, speak up for myself, show up and be brave or be vulnerable.

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Episode 007: The Secret to Living Happier...Values

For years, I have been saying that it all comes down to values. Once you know your values you CAN live happier and while I try to live this on a daily basis, it wasn't until recently that I re-affirmed how important values truly are.

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Last week, I wrote a blog post about a professional failure. To make a long story short, I have a place I call the Live Happier Loft, and a little over a year ago, I opened the space because I wanted to have a place where people (specifically women) could gather and have workshops and small groups. In short, the workshop concept hasn’t taken off, but my one-on-one practice is booming! So, currently, I am in the process of figuring out ways to tweak the business model to make it work better.

Admittedly the past year has not been an easy one for a variety of reasons. And I have gone through a variety of emotions; believe me, it has been a roller coaster.

Great, you might be saying to yourself, so what is the live happier lesson in all of this; well, it was a surprising one, and it all comes down to values.

For years I have been saying that it all comes down to values. Once you know your values, you CAN live happier, and while I live this on a daily basis, this recent debacle with my business has called on me to live it in a whole new way and to re-affirm how important values are.

So one of the tenets of marketing your business is or any type of self-help/coaching/guruesque business is “never let them see you sweat.” So for most of last year, I acted like the Loft was doing great. I talked up the workshops I share about what great things were happening there. For the record, I never lied and pretended like there were people there when there weren’t, but I did talk up what a great book club discussion we had when it was only a friend and me.

It came around for me to do the TYA classes---I had done these before, and they had gone ok, and I was hoping for big success with the 2nd eight weeks. And I was met with a wondrous thud of nothing. Few sign up, and not much buzz at all. I was talking about all this with my husband, and he asked what about this process stressed me SO much that I hated it. And I couldn’t put my finger on it. Some of it was I felt like a failure, but most of it was that I felt like a liar. Now let me go back and say one of my key values is integrity. I place a high value on integrity. The idea of what you see is what you get and being transparent and authentic. All of this ‘hey everything is great even though no one is coming’ stuff had slowly taken a chunk out of me. I had grown to HATE the place I loved. And it was because I wasn’t living by my values.

I was doing my work and doing what I was TOLD to do by the marketing experts, but to me, it felt false and inauthentic. Not at all what I teach about Living Happier and not at all how I want to lead my business. So last week, I wrote a blog where I shared with the public the truth, that I wasn’t getting a lot of signups, and I was nervous about that and blah blah blah. Usually, when I press send on my blog, I am worried, what will people think? Did I say too much etc. This blog I didn’t even think twice. I pressed send, and off it went, and I was completely at peace, back to that living by your values stuff.

This living by your values isn’t easy; it isn’t for the faint of heart. It is a full-contact sport. It is saying THIS is what I prioritize highest in my life, and this is what I want to stand or and be about. And the amazing thing was my body was telling me that all along. My body was saying, hey, you aren’t living by your values. I had felt that before in crappy relationships or bad jobs. What if we all lived by what we felt was most important to us? Made decisions from our hearts and not our heads? Mass chaos or responsible, heart-centered living?!?! It would be fun to find out.

When we know our values, we can make decisions about relationships, careers, as well as everyday interactions. When we can name the top five things, we value we will know what ‘fits’ and what doesn’t ‘fit’ into our lives. The struggle with values is coming up with YOUR authentic values. There are many other types of values that show up for us.

Blocking our Authentic Values:

Old Values: What you valued in your 20s might not fit today. I know I valued Status, Appearance, and Recognition a lot more in my 20s. Those values might be around today, but nowhere near my top 5 values. So it is important to check in from time to time and make sure that your values are still current.

Other People’s Values: The power of the SHOULD is so amazing. As we grow up, we learn values from clergy, friends, family, teachers, and coaches, so sometimes it is hard to let those go. For example, your father values loyalty, so he worked at the same employer for 30+ years and encouraged you to do the same. However, maybe you value learning, and you have learned all you can from your current employer, even though you have only been there for five years, and want to find another employer where you can continue to learn and grow.

Then there are the types of values that make living from our authentic values challenging.

Challenging to our Authentic Values

Aspirational Values: These are the values you WANT to have. You aspire towards them. It is ok to have these values in your top 5 list. For example, I have integrity on my list of top 5 values. It is something I strive for every day to be authentic and live a life of integrity, AND there are times I fail at this value. By saying that is my value, I need to make sure I am conscious of when I am not aspiring towards that value–Brené Brown calls this Minding The Gap between our aspirations and our practice.

Conflicting Values: Conflicting values mean you value two or three completely opposite things. When you have conflicting values, it is even more important to look at your life as a whole. If you value family and independence, it is important to make time for both. Make sure you have activities that feed both parts of you, the independent and family-oriented person. If you have conflicting values, you just need to be a little more creative in finding ways to support both values.

Make decisions from our hearts and not our heads; mass chaos or responsible, heart-centered living?!?! It would be fun to find out.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Drink a glass of water first thing after you wake up.

Sounds easy enough, but too often, we reach for coffee or tea or pop rather than good old-fashioned water. You can still have your coffee but do the water first. Slowly take 30 seconds to drink a glass of water and just think about the day ahead.

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Episode 006: Making Lasting Change: Closing the Loop

The process of making change involves making mistakes, which is followed then by shame, guilt, and fear. Closing the loop looks at how to move through the process so that real change can occur.

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One of the greatest lessons I learned from working with Brené Brown’s teaching is the concept of resilience. We are all building resilience against fear, shame, anxiety, or whatever negative thought process we have. The kicker is we aren’t going to MASTER these processes; we are going to build resilience around them. Discovering that mastery isn’t going to happen allows me to practice more self-compassion when shame, doubt, and fear take over.

So many of us want to learn the lesson and move on. We want to master the concept and never again be taunted by Mongers, Shame or Fear. But that is not how it works. The key to Mongers, shame and fear, is not mastery (because that just doesn’t exist). The key is building resilience; or shortening the Loop as I call it.

The Loop is the timeframe from when you notice that you have gone off track (experienced disappointment and failure) to when you implement your support team and coping mechanisms.

Growth occurs as this Loop gets smaller and smaller. The quicker our response time from failure and disappointment through shame into making a different choice, the more we will make change in our lives.

REMEMBER, even loop closing is not a linear concept... Some days you will be really good at closing the Loop, and some days you will the Loop will drag on and on. That is ok. All of this is a practice.

Whether you want to change a habit, attitude, or behavior, there is a PROCESS to change that inevitably involves disappointment and failure. So how do you move beyond that?

Clarity:

The first step is to get extreme clarity on what you are changing and how this behavior shows up and to pick a few small areas of your life where you can implement changes.

Awareness:

Building awareness involves noticing when you engage in the behavior and intentionally making a different choice.

Disappointment Failure occurs when it doesn’t go as planned

Shame/Guilt/Etc inevitably follow

Compassion:

You are Clear on what you need to change, and you are aware that you are backsliding and losing focus. You are engaging in the “putting

Curiosity:

You have successfully navigated your shame and mongers, and now you are ready to work your way back up and close the gap.

You start asking yourself WHY it went so south AND what action you can take to do it differently next time.

Make New Decision/Plan:

After your curiosity session, you realize maybe you are “biting off more than you can chew” with this one. So you decide to re-visit clarity and make a new plan.

Spiraling Up:

Something we tend to forget about life lessons is that we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I call this phenomenon spiraling up. Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson, and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson, but really, we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight, a new situation, a new challenge. And then, when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up, it gives a new perspective. While we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information that we didn’t have the last time the lesson came into our lives. So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson, don’t beat yourself up. Remind yourself that you are just spiraling up. Then remind yourself all you have learned about this topic.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Find the furthest parking spot

As you are running errands, pulling into work, or basically anywhere, there is a giant parking lot. Avoid the temptation to circle until you find the closest spot. Instead, park as far away as possible. As you are walking to your destination, intentionally slow down, watch your breath and pay attention to what is happening around you.

As someone who tends to rush through errands or rush on to the next thing, this practice helps me slow down and be more present with what is around me. Any time I can add an easy way to reconnect with myself, it is a win for me. I hope it is as helpful for you!

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Episode 005: Life is More than a Pinterest Quote

The world of self-help is inundated with messages about GOING BIG and DREAMING BIG...BE ADVENTUROUS…and it got me wondering when did big get to be the line in which we measured our happiness?

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A few months ago, I had a new client come into my office. We were talking about her life and the changes she wanted to make. And she said to me, “I get so discouraged when I see those Pinterest quotes…want my life to be that...you know...’ live your big dreams, ‘go BIG or go Home’ etc.” “I feel like life passed me by, and I want to do something BIG.” “I want to chase my BIG dreams, move to Paris, be a graphic designer.” But I missed my chance.

As we talked, she shared that a big regret was not finishing her degree in design, she was happily married, and her kids were old enough that she didn’t need to be around ALL THE TIME.

Which left her with a lot of time to think and ponder what’s next. In short, She was feeling lost and overlooked, and when she looked online for answers, the answer was GO BIG.

The world of self-help is inundated with messages about GOING BIG and DREAMING BIG...BE ADVENTUROUS…and it got me wondering when did big get to be the line in which we measured our happiness? Through our work together, we talked about the definition of the word BIG and what that meant for her, and how that would show up in her life.

Eventually, her BIG dreams got clearer--and it turned out that they weren’t so big anymore. She realized what she really wanted was to show up in her life. She had lived for everyone else for so many years, and that had created a great life, but now she wanted to live her life.

The cry of moving to Paris seemed like an easier way to blow it all up than the slow, painstaking approach of showing up. It turns out the BIG change was making small little choices to show up every single day. So over time, we worked on helping her speak up in her relationship and start showing up in small ways in her life (asking for what she needed, saying no, and setting boundaries).

She finished her degree in graphic design and working for a small start-up Marketing company doing design work part-time. At least that is what GOING BIG means for her --dreams, gusto, and adventure all change over time. She said to me recently, “I feel WAY more adventurous now than if I had moved because showing up fully in my life is hard... someday I might want to do something BIG AND BOLD and CRAZY with my husband, but when that time comes, I know I will not be moving in search of something I am moving simply to see something different.”

Sometimes when life gets challenging, and we don’t know what to do next, the temptation is to Blow it All Up, but that point of thinking maybe blowing it up isn’t the answer, is when the real adventure begins. I remember in my early 30s, I too wanted to live the Pinterest quotes (although there was no Pinterest at that time).

But I wanted to do something big with my life. I traveled to Peru with a group of strangers. I drove solo across the country twice (once to the east coast and once to the west coast). Finally, I decided I wanted to move to Portland, Oregon; I wanted to take a BIG BOLD ADVENTURE.

One day while a friend and I were driving around Portland, touring to see if it was a good idea to move there. I pointed at the back of a car and said, “I can’t wait until I have an Oregon license plate on my car because THEN I will be happy. THEN I will know that I have lived my big adventure.” She simply smiled and nodded.

Over time, like my client, I realized that living my big adventure had nothing to with moving to Portland (although it is still one of my favorite cities). The adventure of Portland wasn’t going to ‘fix me. The adventure of Portland was just that, an adventure. But another equally adventurous decision was to stay in Columbus and show up for my life. To learn how to speak my needs to my friends and family, to set healthy boundaries and stop saying yes to everything, to fully show up in my life as me, vulnerable, imperfect me. Because in Portland, I would still be me---different city, same baggage.

A few years after I decided not to move to Portland, my friend gave me a present. It was an Oregon license plate.

As I opened it, I smiled, and she looked at me and said, “Just wanted to remind you that THIS license plate isn’t what makes you happy. You make you happy.” That license plate sits in my office to remind me every day that for me GOING BIG means fully SHOWING up for my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Don’t get me wrong; I love a good adventure. I love big risk-taking, adrenaline-pumping adventures. But somewhere along the way, we were sold a bill of good that adventure and risk are directly correlated to being better people; that a great life is only achieved by living great adventures, which means taking big risks and doing great things.

But I am here to argue, sometimes doing big means,

Being fully present and empathetic when your child comes home from a bad day when you are exhausted yourself.

Telling your spouse that you are struggling and need some time to decompress. Even after you were invited to a neighbor’s happy hour, and he really wants you to go.

Holding the hand of your aging parent, looking them in the eyes, and telling them how much you love them as your heart breaks wide open.

Admitting to a friend that you can’t do it all anymore.

Giving yourself self-compassion for the hard time you are having at work.

One quote that gets tossed around in the world of Pinterest is from Thoreau “I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life”

What I truly love is Professor Keating’s clarification of Thoreau’s quote in Dead Poet’s society. “Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone. There is a time for daring, and there is a time for caution. A wise man understands which is called for.” That is the challenge of vulnerability, trusting yourself to know when to be open and when to be cautious.

The point is we have a choice.

Our lives aren’t necessarily Pinterest quotes. But our lives are uniquely ours. How do you want to show up in yours?

Today think about where could you be more open to life, where could you tear down some walls and allow some light in? Where could you drop the illusion of control and relax a bit into your humanity?

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Episode 004: Feeling your Feelings: The Street Fight

Sometimes the idea of feeling our feelings is a full-on street fight. Learn my love-hate relationship with this phrase and how doing it has changed my life.

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A common activity is chasing the next chance of happiness. I do it all the time; I am having a bad day, so I think what fun thing can I make for dinner or what cool thing can we watch on TV. Before I was trying to save money, the idea would be what new dress can I buy or when can I get a new haircut?

These days I notice this looking for a future happiness reward as a sign that I need to stop, get quiet and see what is really going on. It is a sign that I am not paying attention to myself right now, and I need to be curious about why I need a reward.

This is where the concept of feel your feelings comes into play. If we don’t feel our feelings, we end up stuffing them down and looking for new, exciting ways to make ourselves feel better, which, if we are honest with ourselves, doesn’t really work. So the idea of

However, the glitch comes when we start to feel our feelings, and we don’t know what to do with ourselves. What do we do with this sadness or anger? What is really going on here? And so we start down the path of “I Shouldn’t be feeling like this; I SHOULD be happier.”

A great example: Last night I come home from visiting my parents and my dad is not in the greatest of health, so sometimes when I get home on Sunday evenings I am a little sad. Last night I was exceptionally sad. I was feeling A LOT, but rather than allow myself to feel all that; I kept saying, what is your problem…you SHOULD be fine. Nothing sad happened at the visit, Dad was having a great day, and it was a lot of fun because I couldn’t justify my feelings then they weren’t valid.

Here’s the thing feelings aren’t always logical, convenient, or fun. Feelings can get triggered by God knows what. I use to drown these feelings in food, wine, or losing myself in a game on my Ipad—hello Candy Crush. But now I know that when I feel like this, I need to sit with it. Sit with the feelings and pour on compassion and empathy. No rationalizing, no justifying. The MINUTE I say to myself, “oh sweetheart, it is ok to struggle; it is ok to feel however you want to feel” Is the minute I feel better. My feelings always don’t need some big grandiose form of expression; they just need to be heard. I always check in with myself, asking what do you need around this (and I confess my usual response is I need chocolate or I need a glass of wine, so I did a little deeper) as in do you need to talk to someone, vent some anger, cry some tears, write, etc. and that allows me to express myself in healthy ways.

As Brené Brown says, feeling worthy is a daily practice; it is a street fight every single day. I would say for many of us; it is a street fight every single day to trust our feelings and, therefore ourselves. The saying just ‘feel your feelings’ is so easy to say. But the act of trusting that if you allow the sadness or the anger to come forward, it won’t eat you alive.

It wasn’t until I learned to trust myself and that I would be ok no matter what happened with my feelings that I could start to experience the peace and contentment that comes from being a whole human being. I could stop chasing happiness with the next reward and just be with my emotions. Some days this act is a street fight with myself, and some days it is as simple as just showing up.

One of my favorite stories about trusting yourself is the story of the snake. Let’s say as a child you are playing in the living room, and you see a snake right there in the middle of the living room. You run to tell your mom, and Mom #1 says, what snake? There is no snake in the living room. You are crazy. And you return to the living room to play and repeatedly tell yourself there is no snake until eventually, you don’t see the snake anymore, and then the snake bites you. Mom #2 says, oh my honey, let’s go look at the snake and get rid of it, and the 2 of you calmly go to take care of the snake so you can keep playing in the living room.

This story of the snake illustrates how we learn not to trust our feelings and ourselves. We are told that certain feelings are bad or that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, and so we eventually cut ourselves off from those feelings. Like the snake, there are still there; we just aren’t aware of them until they come from out of nowhere to bite us in the butt.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge:

One thing that has really helped me Live Happier is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenging you to complete it Stop Light: 3 Deep Breaths You might need a sticky note to remind you of this one.

As you are driving, when you come to a stoplight or traffic jam, simply take three deep belly breaths. I have gotten out of the practice of this one, so excited to add it back in.

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Episode 003: Why Positive Thinking is Keeping You Stuck

In this week's episode, I ask the question:  Is positive thinking keeping you from fully engaging in your life?

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Growing up, whenever things were hard, I would hear the phrase “count your blessings” and be grateful for what you have. You know, basically saying quit our bitchin’

It is common wisdom that increased gratitude leads to increased happiness. Which is true gratitude helps us gain perspective on our lives.

Being grateful can be used as you are going through a challenging time.

You are getting a divorce, a deadline at work is looming, or you are caretaking for a loved one.

As you are moving through change or transition, or even trying to become “unstuck,” being grateful is an awesome way of gaining a new perspective and feeling some positive energy in your life.

The danger comes when we choose to think positively to avoid dealing with the truly negative areas of our lives.

For example, you hate getting up every morning, you struggle to go to work, and you are a walking zombie throughout your day.

Thinking positive and being grateful,

might put a nice spin on your day,

might give you some peace for a temporary time,

but it won’t make things better in the long term.

It won’t improve your job and make you feel like less of a walking zombie. It is a Band-Aid for an open wound.

Thinking positive keeps us from asking the hard questions:

What do I want my life to look like?

What changes do I need to make in my life, both big and small?

What is holding me back?

Sometimes we just need a Perspective Band-Aid. For example, I have a bad day, a conversation with my brother doesn’t go the way I like, and I am not as productive as I want to be.

So rather than coming home and vomiting my bad day all over my nearest and dearest, I choose to think positively about the things that went well. I choose to think positively about my day—because overall, my life is good. Thinking positive allows me to change my mood in the moment and feel better for the time being. I also choose to analyze my day and look at what things I can make different tomorrow.

What about the interaction didn’t go well?

Why wasn’t I as productive?

Sometimes life is out of our control, people become sick, we have to stay in a job to make money we need to survive, or the transition out of a relationship takes longer than we thought it would.

Thinking positive helps us move gracefully through these times. However, we need both; we need awareness of the muck and grief, and we need to be grateful for the other areas of our lives that are full of joy and promise.

Thinking positive is a way to help us gain a new perspective and be happy about the things in our lives we love. However, we still need to take stock of our lives, be intentional about our choices, and make the necessary changes to Live Happier.

When thinking positive keeps us in denial or stuck, it isn’t serving us—it is trapping us in a cycle of pain, shame, and hiding ourselves from the world.

Are there places in your life where you are using positive thinking as a coping mechanism?

Is positive thinking keeping you from fully engaging in your life?

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Episode 002: What Does it Mean to Live Happier?

After last week's episode, I had a couple of emails asking about my definition of Living Happier. So, I thought I would go back a little bit and share my definitions of Living Happier as well as some of the myths around living happier.

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One of the reasons I love the phrase “Live Happier” is because it is something you can do every day. It is not a destination as in, “one day I will Live Happier.”

Nope, Living Happier is something you can do in the midst of life’s trials and tribulations or when life is cruising along with ease.

Living Happier isn’t something you achieve; it is something you are engaging in all the time.

Does that mean you have to be always striving? No, but it does mean you have to be engaged and intentional about your life.

It is something you are doing every day of your life to make your life richer, fuller, and brighter.

Living Happier is:

Being intentional about your life. Knowing what activities give you energy and what activities drain your energy. Throughout the day, making sure you are ‘budgeting your energy, so you don’t get too drained.”

Having awareness about yourself, what are your strengths, what are your values, what do you want your life to look like? And creating a life that feeds those strengths, values, and dreams.

Knowing life is full of ups and downs. Tragedies happen, losses occur, and it is even more important to be engaging in #1 and #2 above during these times.

Living Happier requires full engagement. Having the tough conversation with your partner.

Confronting the co-worker who keeps stealing your ideas.

Asking for the raise you deserve after 3 years of nothing.

Because too many of us are walking around like zombies in our lives and then wondering why we aren’t Living Happier, we have to ENGAGE.

COMPASSION: The recognition that some days we will be firing on all cylinders and some days we won’t and loving ourselves the same, regardless of the kind of day we are having.

Asking for help when we need it. Recognizing that we can’t do it alone.

We need to reach out from time to time for assistance, clear tasks off our plate, or just ask for much-needed support.

Approaching the world from an attitude of openness, kindness, and love for ourselves and for those around us.

Living Happier DOES NOT MEAN you are blissed out all the time. In fact, living happier means allowing yourself to have a bad day. To give yourself grace around pain, sadness, and grief.

Living Happier means you can give yourself the radical acceptance necessary to move through the inevitable emotions that come up as you move through the peaks and valleys of life.

Living happier means showing up to life and reminding yourself it is A practice and a process. A daily practice of showing up and living intentionally and as well as a reminder that life is a wonderfully, imperfect messy, engaging process.

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Episode 001: Want to be Happy? Stop Searching for the Magic Button

The concept of the magic button is one of my favorite topics and one I discuss with my clients frequently. In this episode, you will learn about why letting go of the magic button was a life-changing move for me and what I do when the desire to find the magic button pops up.

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The magic button is the belief that something OUT there will fix me if only I can find it.

For YEARS I believed that if I found the right book, the right counselor, the right information, I would be fixed. I would be whole and happy, and everything would be ok. I swear I could have made a killing if I would have purchased stock in Barnes and Noble because I have my own private library in self-help books. To be clear, self-help books I only skimmed, never actually read. I swear that if osmosis with books worked, all my issues would be HEALED!

In my 20s and 30s, I had created a life where I looked outside for most of my answers, from my parents to my professors to my friends to societal norms. Everything I did was because someone told me it would be a good idea. I didn’t have the ability to look inside. I honestly don’t know if I didn’t have the ability or if I didn’t trust myself to look inside.

And then eventually, after ending up in tears on the porch of my new home, I thought to myself, I SHOULD BE HAPPY; what is my problem. I practiced gratitude which we will talk about my love-hate relationship with gratitude in another episode, but that gratitude was hollow because even though I was grateful for my life and all its many blessings, it wasn’t MY life…it was designed around someone else. My quest for the magic button had ended up leaving me bitter, sad, and resentful. Fortunately, I found a therapist who helped me learn that it is ok to trust myself, and she gave me tools for how to listen to myself and stop looking for a magic button to fix everything.

And it has been a work in progress. Whenever I want to make a change, my first inclination is to ALWAYS look outside myself. Even this weekend, I have been on a quest to make peace with food. Long story short, I am tired of gaining and losing the same 30 lbs, and I want to finally make peace with food and weight.

So I spent much of the weekend reading about intuitive eating (something I know about already), and I was tempted to buy all these programs about intuitive eating so someone could tell me HOW to eat intuitively. I talked to friends. I talked to my husband I asked around. NOW I am not saying getting help is a bad thing, but this is how you know you are looking for a magic button you aren’t looking for just help. You are looking for THE easy answer…a magic button.

I have at least 5 books on this subject and have already paid a health coach a couple of years ago to help me on this subject. But I hadn’t implemented anything. SO my quest this weekend to find MORE information was a QUEST to find the magic button.

The thing is, And as long as you are on the QUEST to find the magic button, you aren’t not DOING anything. I wasn’t acting on any of the principles I know about intuitive eating; I was waiting for an easy answer, a simple solution, a magic button.

I spent much of the weekend consumed with anxiety and angst, and then this am, I woke up and said, ok, you need to implement. You need to put into action what you know and do it pick one action. So I picked being present in the moment. Sounds easy, but it is far from it. To be honest, it is no magic button, but the angst, anxiety, and perfectionism have vanished, and instead, I am left with me just me trusting myself and being present. So this morning, I have been pulling myself repeatedly back to being present. And each time, it has brought me a sense of peace and action. The quest for the magic button is on pause (for now).

SO I am curious am I alone in this? How much time do you spend searching for the magic button? Food and diets is an easy example. But we also do it with living happier. We look for a quick fix to live happier, the perfect job, more money, the dream home, etc. Here’s a clue whenever you are saying if only _ or When I _, you are on a quest to find the magic button.

Most of us want to live happier. The quest to live happier starts with us. It starts by asking yourself what are my priorities, what do I value, how am I spending my time, do I want to be engaging in these activities. Living Happier is built on small intentional steps that you take every single day. Not a magic button.

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