Episode 139: Why Bother, What's the Point, and What To Do Next

In today’s episode, I am talking with Jennifer Louden, author, and pioneer in the personal growth movement about taking imperfect action towards our goals.

What’s the point? 

Why bother? 

Who cares? 

It will never change…

Have you ever caught yourself uttering those words? 

Perhaps you’ve said these to yourself when considering a career change or launching a creative project or even making a self-care plan. I know I have! 

These questions can also be considered along the lines of what’s happening across the nation right now with social justice and equality. 

Sometimes, we are so afraid of taking imperfect action and doing it wrong that we simply don’t bother at all. Instead, we stay stuck by not taking action at all and rehashing the ways we did it wrong in the past. 

But we can do it differently. 

We can take small, measured, imperfect action. 

We can make progress toward desire.

Today’s guest, Jennifer Louden, is an expert in doing it differently. She is a personal growth pioneer and author of Why Bother?, helping readers discover the desire for what’s next in their lives. As an entrepreneur and educator, Jennifer has offered women’s retreats for over 25 years and reaches over 20,000 subscribers weekly. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Why Jennifer was inspired to write the book, Why Bother?

• How she realized that “holding her mistakes close” was actually holding her back

• How our past—especially our family of origin—affects our current lives

• Why it’s important to go beyond the idea that all of our creative endeavors must be useful or practical (and how that belief holds us back from trying new things)

Resources mentioned:

• JenniferLouden.com

• Jennifer’s Book, Why Bother?

• Instagram: @jenlouden

• Facebook: Jennifer Louden

• Coach In Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

Jennifer: What we know from the way our brains are built is it seems like it's much more of our default to be hard on ourselves than kind to ourselves. We do have, self-compassion built into our brain structure. We could call it, but it seems to need much more practice in activation. Then the ability to be critical.

Nancy: Why bother.

What's the point to what comes next? When I recorded this podcast with Jennifer Louden we were asking those questions in the context of a midlife crisis and personal development. But today, as I typed those questions, I'm struck with how they fit in the context of our larger world. As I record this intro, the world, we know it is in the midst of an upheaval.

One that in my opinion was a long time coming, but one that begs us to ask these questions in a different way. What's the point, what comes next? You're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships.

I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. Listen to this podcast. I challenge you to see it through the lens of not only your personal life, but on the larger scale of our collective culture. Why should you bother? What's the point? What comes next? What's the point and why bother are two questions? I ask myself a lot, especially these days, I guess today Jennifer Louden takes these questions and expands on them in a comprehensive, approachable, beautifully written book called Why bother.

Jennifer Louden is a personal growth pioneer who helped launch the concept of self care with her 1992 bestselling debut book, the woman's comfort book. She's the author of six additional books, including the woman's retreat book, the life organizer, and why. With close to a million copies of her books in print in nine languages.

Her work has been featured in people USA today, CNN and Brené brown books, daring, greatly and dare to lead as an entrepreneur and educator. Jennifer has offered women's retreats for over 25 years and our email newsletter reaches 20,000 subscribers weekly. She lives in Boulder county, Colorado. Jen is another one of my favorite teachers.

She models the idea that we are all in this together and trying to figure it out her book, why bother is incredible as Tara Moore says on the back cover, I'm telling you this book has never been written before, which is saying something in the self-help personal development space on this podcast. Jen and I talk about why she was inspired to write the book.

Why buy. How she realized that holding her mistakes close was holding her back, how our past, especially with our family of origin affects our current lives and getting beyond the idea that all our creative endeavors have to be useful or practical and how that belief keeps us from being creative and trying new things.

I am so excited today to bring you Jen Louden. I am. She's another person. I'm a fan girl of I've been following her for a long time and I'm welcome, Jen. So glad to hear.

Jennifer: I'm so glad that I'm here. And I just want you to know, I flossed the spinach out of my teeth before.

Nancy: That's great. Thank you. So Jen has just written a new book called why bother and on the back of the book is one of another, one of my favorite people.

Tara Moore said, I'm telling you this book has never been written before, which as you know is a huge compliment. So when I saw that, I was like, oh, come on. What did she pay Tara to have her say that? But I tell you people, this book has never been written before after reading it. So it encompasses everything, like it really encompasses the idea of what, of, how you get in your own way, how you engage in self care.

What do you do when you hit a crisis? How you get yourself through, like you could pick it up in a variety areas. In a variety of places in your life and find ways.

Jennifer: Oh, thank you.

Nancy: And you're welcome. So I I just love it. So let's dive in for following you for awhile. You used to talk about getting your scary shit done and and that was a big theme and why bother, really gets at that from a larger perspective.

Jennifer:. We circle around certain ideas in our work and our life, no matter what our medium, no matter what we're doing. And there's an idea in the book that encompasses that I've come to call it signature themes.

And I went to film school many years ago. And know that was something we learned in film school. Like our authors have signature themes and painters have signature things. People do to a signature theme of mine has always been how do I help myself and others make more of what we want, whatever that is.

So Get Your Scary Shit Done was one iteration of that. And some of the same tools that I use there, I built on for this book and this book really at first, it was for a couple particular people. I really believe when you're writing a book, it's very useful to have a particular reader in mind. So I had four people in.

Yeah. One was a woman who had never done anything she wanted. She had lived for everyone else and woke up one day and went, I hate everything about my life. I'm leaving my husband, but I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want. Another person had been really successful and was like, okay, I've done it.

And now. I don't know if I want to do it again because I know what it takes. And and so on. So I had this sort of middle-aged woman in mind, but then once I started talking about the book and sharing some of the ideas before it was published, I had people say, oh, My God. I was talking about the book to my 22 year old grandchild and they wanted, and I was talking to them and my nephew came to this and he's like, why aren't you writing this just for women.

I am in my why bother period. And so then I brought it up more stories and more perspectives because I also realized that I had seen it from the point of view of my life at these really big junctures in life. When you're faced with this question, what's the point and what do I want the point to be?

But he can also come through in little ways, right? It can come through in a day. It can come through in a way you need to change a project or reconnect with your spouse or your partner.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. That's a great point. Cause I think it does come up. Why bother comes up both times, like it doesn't have to be, I'm laying in bed at night, in a crisis being like, oh, what's the point?

It will come when I'm fighting with my husband and, writing a book, launching a podcast, right?

Jennifer: There's so many things like when you get to this place in your job and you're like, okay, What's not working. And I do want to say that we don't all use the words, why bother we use what's the point who cares?

She will never change. This is good enough. I it's too late. I'm too old. We have lots of ways that we language the fact that we believe there's no reason to bother.

Nancy: Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. All set. So one thing I loved, I picked a lot of little things to ask you about that were in the book. One thing I loved is there's so much out there about pick your next big thing and live your big, bold, beautiful life.

And I appreciated when you went through the things that. Stay that get in our way. One of them was it doesn't have to be such a grand thing. Like I don't have a grand thing, so it's why bother doing anything. And I loved that because that's one of mine. So of course I'm going to love it. But also I think a lot of my clients struggle with, they just want to have a good life and feel good in it.

They don't necessarily want to be climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or being on Oprah. Any of that stuff. So can you talk about that a little bit?

Jennifer: I mean, talk about a dominant culture story that is in the water and we drink it and, you used the word, just,

I just want a good life!?!? (laughter) I want a life that I lay down at night and I go, oh man, that was a good day. We all know intellectually. We read, lists of them, Kevin Kelly, the journalist and technology guy. Just put out a list of 62 things, and they're all like, it's not, I want to be famous, you want to be, have a good life, basically is his list. So we know this intellectually, but then we go on social media. Or then we watch Beyonce doing Beyonce thing, and then we're like, oh, holy shit. I'm not Beyonce. And it's a real, it's a real act of self love to know what we want and what size we want our life to.

What are you going to do? Yeah. Calm down go sit in the garden.

Nancy: Yes. And five star review because I almost, when I saw you had, cause I checked, before we came on and I was like, oh no, I just, because what if you get a four star, because now you have all these five stars, so the bar has been set.

Jennifer: I've got four stars in good reads.

I got a couple three stars on good reads, so that's okay. Okay. I'm getting used to it.

Nancy: The bubble has popped. Because I do think for me the why bother question popped up for those little things.

Jennifer: Sure. Makes up our life.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's true.

Jennifer: And it all goes back to, you said that this book encompasses so many things and it really does encompass self care in that if we're not taking care of our basic needs, then we're going to be even more likely to be hijacked by that story of I'm no good.

If I'm not beyond.

Nancy: Because I feel like, Because that clarify, I just because it's not an encompassed, so many things that I think don't get encompassed like it, instead of starting at step five and jumping forward, if you start at step one on the self care and the questioning and the inner critic and the mistakes and you really get the basic.

And do the depth of the basics that I think a lot of people in the self-help world just skip over because they're not sexy. They're not actually, but man, they are necessary.

Jennifer: So I, I wrote a post once that something about self care is not. Doesn't make you a goddess or something. It was funnier than that.

But I think because self care has become a $2 billion a year industry, it's all about the spa and the $700 scented candle. I hope there isn't one that really costs that much wine of Jayden. All of these things it's all grouped out. And lately my self-care is hormone replacement supernot sexy.

Jennifer: Yeah, getting it, drinking enough water, not eating so much sugar.

Nancy: exactly. And it's all individually. That's the, that's what I appreciated. Is it saying, what do you need for self care?

Jennifer: We've been sheltered. We sheltered in place pretty early. And we have not been going out on the mountain trails that we usually run on the weekends because they're pretty narrow. And at first they were really crowded and were like, oh, it's probably just a good idea to stay away from them.

But yeah, this past weekend we got up early and we went up and it was hard. It was raining. So it was hardly there because in Colorado, if it rains people like, oh, you must stay in doors. And so I felt really safe and who was great. And I've only lived here five years. I missed the green so much. No one else could tell me that self care for me is getting in the green for somebody else would be like, what are you talking about? For some people getting their nails done is self care for me it is torture.

Nancy: that I know is going to chip off and 2.5 seconds (laughter)

Jennifer: in two hours

Nancy: hours. Exactly. Yeah, no, but yes, my mom, she loves it. That's her. Treat to herself. Beautiful.

Jennifer: She looks down at those nails. And all I do is see those chips.

Nancy: Yeah. But she has a relationship with her person and they chat. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Very well. Very well said. Okay. For my, a lot of my work is around inner critic and being kind to yourself and I call the inner critic a monger is it's they spread propaganda and that's what a monger does. I love how you say we hold our mistakes close.

That was, so that phrase was so perfect because that is totally what we do. Can you talk a little more about that?

Jennifer: What we know from the way our brains are built is it seems like it's much more of our default to be hard on ourselves than kind to ourselves. We do have, self-compassion built into our brain structure.

We could call it, but it seems to need much more practice in activation, then the ability to be critical and there's different theories about it, but who knows, we all have experienced that. So the other, so that's part of it. The other part of it is we are afraid not of change. We are not afraid of having what we want.

You do not. I'm going to say you're not afraid of success. I think that's bull. I think what we're afraid of is being undefended. Because our primitive parts, our older parts of our brain and nervous system are like, I will be eaten. I will die consciously. Don't think that. So our mistakes become a way to stay defended and replaying them in this very harsh way is a way to say, look what you shouldn't do.

Don't do that again. You'll stay defended. And of course, then we have what everyone knows about the negativity bias in our brain. So that's also helping reinforce. Look, don't do that. You did, that. You did that. That you did that. We'll do that. And when I look at that, are you sure you saw it right?

Nancy: Let's replay it again, just in case

Jennifer, just in case, say three in the morning. Depending on your power, your post-menopausal stage.

Nancy: Exactly.

Give me a little more to beat yourself up about

Jennifer: we will have to changes sheets because they are soaking wet.

Nancy: Yeah. So I liked that idea of the safety. That we are. Because what, again, the message is, if you can't be kind to yourself, then there's something wrong with you, and instead it's the opposite.

Jennifer: Exactly. So much. I think of studying the brain is helpful for us because it makes us realize, oh, I'm a mammal.

Yes, I'm a mammal. And I'm wired the way all of these other mammals are wired. Plus I have this super sophisticated brain on top of it. And then we can begin to have so much more of a sense of. Oh, that's so adorable that I do that instead of I am oh, screwed up and I have to fix myself. I really think that part of that.

A couple of real disservices, the self-help personal growth coaching world has done to people. And I don't think for any reason on purpose, it's just crept in is that self-improvement is about fixing something that's wrong. Yeah. Instead of I'm doing this thing that bug s me, or I want more of that or what would it be like to grow in that direction?

No, it's such a different feeling in my body than if I could just stop eating so much cheese that I would finally be good enough.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. Correct.

Even in my work, I used to spend a lot of time when I first started on helping people figure out what their inner critic looked like, and let's draw a picture and let's really dive into it. And what does it say, blah, blah, blah. And then I finally realized they know that's not the problem, once it's, once they could start recognizing it.

Pulling it apart from who they are,

Jennifer: which is so essential, right? Yeah.

Nancy: Then they got it. They don't need to work anymore on getting to know that voice It would just cause more anxiety and more am I doing it right? What they need help with is figuring out, and I call the voice of self-compassion the biggest fan. Figuring out, what is that voice sound like? And how can I talk to myself in that voice, which is almost always with curiosity.

Jennifer: Yes. And can I trust that voice? That's such a huge part of my experience is the old story myth, belief that a lot of us got from school or parents or whatever that yeah. The only way to succeed is to be hard on yourself. Yes. And thank God we have this huge body of research. Now that doesn't know that actually makes you go more towards numbing and more towards habits that don't make you feel good and away from real challenges and more into the fixed.

Nancy: But when you have it's so hard to let belief go where then you've been indoctrinated in it. I know for me that's. Yeah. And that's the thing I appreciate about your book is that, people would be like, you've written all these books, I'd be kind to yourself and you're like the master at beating yourself up.

Jennifer: Oh, sick of hearing that. And I would, first of all, I was so sick of hearing it. And then I would also be like, you have no idea you're wrong right inside my head, like on the outside, I'd go. Okay. But then I'd be like, I actually know the way to do this. And that's push myself harder on myself and beat myself up more.

I cannot stand the way you talk to her. Wow. Oh oh, fair enough. I'm my God. Okay. I could be really ashamed of this right now, or I could be really compassionate with myself right now and say, wow, you're right. I get it. Yeah. I remember that moment really well. I wanted to hide, I wanted to run a high and say, no, you're wrong.

Nancy: Yeah, but that's an awesome husband.

Jennifer: He's already got a big head. Everybody loves him because of how he comes across in the book. And that made him a monster. (laughter)

Nancy: That's great. You talk about security and action. Are the keys to moving beyond that negative thinking, and I'd never heard it presented in that way, but that's so freaking true.

Jennifer: Hey, I think that's been one of my gifts as a facilitator and teacher, is that ability to make people feel safe and start to internalize that. And then to also realize that it is, there is nothing about this, that you don't know how to do. Actually know how to take the next step and then pause and go.

What do I know now? And take the next step. You've been doing it your whole life, but that big, beautiful brain of yours we were talking about earlier. It's just getting in the way and going, are you sure that's the right next step? Do you remember that mistake you made?

Nancy: Let's go back and take an inventory.

Jennifer: Let's write them all down, watercolor their portraits.

Nancy: So it is just about stopping when you hear that and asking what's the next..

Jennifer: Yes. I think, there's, when, since we're talking about being stuck now, one of the things that I wrote in the book is that the thing that kept me stuck way past the natural point of the grief and loss of those period that I particularly write about in the book, there's more than one period of my life that I read about.

It was being cruel to myself. So I think if the practice that we find, however, we internalize it. However we learn. However, we put it together is that we understand that self cruelty may naturally occur, but we can let it pass on by like the clouds that are gathering and passing by outside the window.

And we can pay attention to the sky. And the sky is our, I think in my understanding is. Essential goodness that we have right. This, and we see it like right now so much during this pandemic, we see people being as we see people being incredibly stupid and awful, but forget about that, we also see people being so kind and, howling at eight o'clock at night in Colorado.

And I'm sure other states, clapping and beating pots and pans and raising money and. Sending cards to people they don't know, and in assisted living. And that is our nature. And we can be friend that and trust it in those moments of. The self cruelty and judgment coming through, like they'll, it'll still come through the weather system, but we can put our attention on that natural impulse to be kind to others and then extend it to ourselves.

Nancy: So it isn't something that you've healed.

Jennifer: Oh, I don't know. I feel like nothing is fixed. I don't even know what anything is anymore. I think the older, And the more I learn or be, or breeds the more I'm like, I have no idea who I am. I have no idea what's up or down. I really feel like I live in more and more of a question of, I don't know anything so it to heal sounds so permanent.

Nancy: No, totally. It was a loaded question.

Jennifer: I feel like, oh, and I said this in the book. Yeah. I don't know anything until I look back and then I go, oh, look at that. Or someone else reflects it to me and I'd go, oh yeah. And I say, and so many business and self-help books, they start with the great, here's the story of my horrible experience.

And here's the story of my triumph. And now I will show you how to do it too. And I write, I wrote in the book, I don't have one of those stories. I don't, I have moments of looking back and going shit. Things are getting better.

Nancy: Cause even the story you tell there's a, that's a pretty impactful.

Yeah. I liked how then you were like, and even after that, I wasn't like shazam I see the world.

Jennifer: And in fact, I didn't remember that story or tell anybody else about it for years. So it wasn't like I rushed home and said to Bob, you'll never believe what happened. And it wasn't like when I was writing the memoir that I wrote before this book that never worked, I didn't write that story in the memoir.

It completely escaped me. Yeah, I think it's interesting because we are mysteries to ourselves. Now we want to pin ourselves down like a butterfly, a dead butterfly with pins at we're not we're, this everything's fine. Tells us we may not need to have a self. We may not have a fixed self. We may we're debating it.

But, so that gives me a sense of just so much. It's just all so funny,

all this whole human thing oh my God, we are all hysterical.

Nancy: But I like I'll say the clients. Spent all my life looking out to figure it out. Like they, they know better. Yes. And once I turned it in, it was like, oh, there's so much here. And I think that's where the curiosity started.

It be like, oh, this is fascinating. There's all this stuff here that I'd been trying to get rid of because they didn't approve of it. Yes.

Jennifer: Beautifully said. That turning towards our own opinion that self-trust not because it's right. Or because someone else's, someone else gives it the stamp of approval, but because we.

It's our experience. This is my experience. Huh? Can I value it? Can I see it because it's mine. Yeah. And maybe I'll take action based on it. Maybe that actual work, maybe it won't, but that's not the validation I'm looking for. I think thing that really can drive me crazy is when people are like, oh, I listened to my intuition and then everything worked out and I'm like, that's great, but that's.

Besides the point is you listen.

Nancy: Yes. Yeah, exactly. That's so well said. It doesn't matter if it works.

Jennifer: we think I used to think self-trust meant I listened and it worked out and therefore I

Nancy: was right. Yes. Because we're so about the being, right.

Jennifer: Yeah. And then I would like, if I was fighting with Bob and something, wouldn't go, I wouldn't be able to, he has an incredible memory. He's a scientist and he's just he can just argue until the cows come home and I have a mind that's I don't remember what I said two minutes ago. And I've been like that my whole life.. So I'll be like, oh my God what I'll just lose.

I would lose myself entirely in our moments of something's not right. And it's taken me so long to just turn towards myself and go. I don't know what I said two minutes ago, but I'm experiencing this now. I can trust myself first and then you just share that, but not because it's right and I'm going to win.

Nancy: No. That's. Yes. Yeah. Cause I just, the idea of I'm going to hold on to that one, man, because I still have the, I listened to my intuition

Jennifer: like divine, get it right thing. We don't even know what intuition is. And we think mostly it's probably a ton of experience that you've internalized into your non-conscious awareness, and we

Nancy: AND we don't even know what right is no.

Jennifer: Right

Nancy: yeah. Yeah. Okay. So the other thing that I I loved that you devoted the whole section to your anger matters. Yes. Speaking of, trusting yourself So much of the message of just move forward. Don't look in the past, prevents us from seeing these messages because you share a story from your past and how it influenced your future when it comes to how you deal with anger and obviously being a therapist, I'm a big believer.

But I think that's some about how your past affects your future. But I think that's something that people, you know, that in the self-help industry were like, oh, we're just move forward. We don't look in the past. We're just moving forward. And we miss this stuff.

Jennifer: Yes. And also we're supposed to be positive all the time.

Yes.

Nancy: That makes me so mad. I'm with you. I devoted a whole chapter in my book to that being positive drives me crazy.

Jennifer: I'm not positive right now. Really pissed off. I'm pissed off and now I have to feel that. And then I have to decide if, what, how I want to do something about it. I don't want to ignore it because there's so much political action in that there's so much, when we ignore it, my simple point is when we ignore it over and over again, not only can we not make it sick, but it can be a factor in illness.

It's not anger. Doesn't make us sick by itself. And it's a fact can be a factor in illness. It seems to be from multiple studies. But yeah. Can easily lose why we bother. And I'm not saying we're going to walk around being angry, wake up first thing in the morning. What am I angry about? And that's what I'm going to bother about.

But the story of my mom, my dad telling my mom, she couldn't work, which is the story in the book. I think you're talking about is, was the most angry. I think I ever went. I'm pretty damn sure I was ever at my father who I totally had on a pedestal and. Because I couldn't didn't know what to do with it, because I was definitely raised in a household where women were not supposed to be angry.

Nancy: . Because the idea then was that as you became an adult, then you were empowering women to not be your mom.

Jennifer: Exactly to have grace. .

And to be able to bother about what you want to bother about,

Nancy: but you weren't empowering yourself. You were empowering other women. Yeah. I didn't see the connection

Jennifer:. I didn't see the connection. And somehow making that connection was really important for me going, this is what I do because there's a big thread in the book.

I think. Maybe it's not as clear to other people as it is to me after re writing it and reading it. I read it for the audio book I had to read. The whole damn thing is that I struggled with my work and how to get my bother on so many times in my life, because I wasn't accepting what I would call my Dharma that I wasn't accepting what was mine to do and what I couldn't help, but do I wanted to do something else, something different. So I kept watching it and rejecting it and judging it and not fully committing to it. I don't know whether that's true for anyone else. I'm not saying, I mean that everyone has something that they have to do in life and accept, but it truly was true for me.

Nancy: Because that's what I've loved about following you, prob. 10 12 years is that you're very honest with when you're struggling and what you've learned and how you figured it out. And so a lot of times I would go to your posts to just be like, oh, it's okay. Yeah.

Jennifer: How come we're not? I remember telling my daughter when she just turned 26 the day when everything goes the way you want, that's the day to look for the unicorns and go buy the lottery ticket.

Jennifer: That's really rare.

No, and that's not a bitter statement. That's not a then why bother? Oh, this is life. Life is so messy. And so I went predictable and right before you and I got on the batteries in my keyboard went out, I'm like, oh, wait, a teeny tiny thing, but that's what happens or you're just about to go on a podcast with someone and like suddenly you can't use your keyboard

On the platform, but back to your positive thinking thing, I just had a client reach out and she was, she said, I'm having a bad day. And I've been having such a good such good days. And now I'm having a bad day and I've been trying to talk to you, get in my biggest fan and get myself.

And it's just not working. And so I'm doing it wrong. And so I, I work with my clients via Voxer, so I voxed her back, which is a walkie talkie app type thing. So they can, we talk to each other multiple times in a day. And so I go Vox back to her and I was like, you're not this isn't a monger attack.

You don't, you're not in a bad mood because your inner critic is talking. You're just in a bad mood and you don't need to get out of that. But this isn't a mindset shift. This is just an owning where you are place. And she was like, oh my gosh, I hadn't thought about it like that. So I think anytime we're in a, to your anytime we're struggling or angry or overwhelmed, we're like I got to get out of this as quickly as possible because I'm doing something wrong.

Wow. Instead of no you're being a human, right?

Jennifer: There's a practice. I think it's a little bit in the book, but it's definitely an audio. There's all these extra things that go with the book and there's a URLs throughout the book. This, they go here and I made an audio for this, and this was a profound practice.

I think I learned like seven or eight years ago. So I started meditating at a very young age. And learned a lot of different meditation techniques, but I didn't learn this until my late adulthood. And that is to welcome what we're experiencing to say hi to it, to say this too, or hi, or that wonderful Rumi point poem, the guests.

That to me has been such a profound and really speaks to what your client is going through today. And I, know, I have to welcome what I'm feeling so many times a day, so many times a day, I'll stop to put my hand on my heart and go up. Huh I'm feeling I'm really missing my kids. We haven't seen them in months instead of just rushing past it or papering it over judging.

Nancy: Yeah. We all have our things, our statements of dis dismissing it, missing. And not trusting that it's that if it's a feeling it's there. It's

Jennifer: it’s here. And what my meditation teacher said was what is met can move.

I love that. Yeah.

Jennifer: I have to remember that a lot. What would I say no time for, or too painful or there's nothing I can do about it. Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps at camp. It just gets heavier and heavier

Nancy:. Because that's a funny, my mom she's. Seventies, late seventies.

And she loves the phrase for a long time. She and I would go back and forth because she loves the phrase soldier on, and that's one of her generational, suck it up, soldier on, keep going. And so she and I, after when my dad died, she was like, you say you hate soldier on, but that's what I'm doing.

And I was like, no soldier on means you just go and you don't feel anything. I'm just going to stiff upper lip it. And I said, what you're doing is feeling the sadness and living your life. And that's what we need to do. We need to be grieving, but also living. And we're trying to figure out that balance, right.

Jennifer:

And that balance and in deep grief sometimes. We do whatever we can to get through the day.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. She kept calling me saying, I'm doing what you're telling me to do. I'm doing the emotions thing and I'm still feeling it. And I was like good God, your partner, or 53 years just died.

So yeah.

Jennifer: Got news for you. It’s never going to stop

Nancy: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But I think that moment shifted for her, this soldier on belief because she wouldn't do anything. But for you.

Jennifer: I think that reminds me of one of the ideas in the book. The self-compassionate grit to think that I would, grit just was grind.

And I just grind myself down to a rubble or self-compassion was quitting. It's oh, that's too hard with myself. I'll give up and take a nap. And then marrying the two to me was so profound. And so it made, it sounds like such an obvious idea now, but it was such like, oh wow. I can keep, I can stay in action.

I can work on the things that are hard. While I'm being kind to myself while I'm being kind to myself.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's on second character in my work is the BFF who is the false self-compassion like the go ahead. I have the third beer. And the BFF, all that, like that's where I would dance all the time. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So think that's the end of my questions,

but I absolutely loved talking to you and I highly recommend, is there anything else you want to share about the book that you want people to pull from that I didn't give you the chance to shatter? I guess

Jennifer: maybe two things, one that asking why bother in your way that you ask whoever, right now, if you just listen into yourself, what have you been saying lately about like it's too late or I messed that up, so I don't get a second chance or.

He won't change, whatever it is what we're actually, we're not using the curiosity that you referenced earlier. We think we know the answer and that's really the big, first idea in the book. When you're asking why bother you think, the answer. But you really don't, you don't. And until you ask with true curiosity and until you awaken, and here's the second thing, a real freshened relationship with desire itself, not outcome.

Yes. Don't know what you bother about. And mostly what gets us not entirely, but mostly what gets us into this. Why bother periods is that we have turned our back on we're afraid of we have twisted off the flow of desire in our lives, and we won't let ourselves know what we want, enjoy what we want, pay attention to it.

And that's what grinds us down now. Lack of self care and societal and structural things like sexism and racism. And there's lots of other factors I find when we're talking about what we can influence directly. I find that desire is the key.

Nancy: Yeah, because you talk about that with the climate change, right?

How you had gotten into a, why bother. That's a great example.

Jennifer: I still do some days

I'm like really, I still got to keep working on conversation. Can we just think about both of them have to think time. Holy moly. But yeah, so for me, I've been an environmentalist since I was very young. My parents were always like, where did you come from? Not something I, I was raised in a very.

You played golf and tennis kinda lived in the country club kind of house. And my dad would be like your little environmentalist. And then I remember a little bit, little he'd be like, wow, you were right. You were right. But I gave, never gave up. I was still signed petitions and give money and such, but I really was falling into that internal, like it's too late.

It's too late. And yet I would get so pissed off to talk about anger again. When a friend would say, for example, I don't have kids and it's going to be bad after I'm dead. So I'm just going to keep flying around the world everywhere I went. And I was just like, I just want to stab you. So I had to start paying attention to that while I was writing the book and go, oh, this is where I got to get my bother on in some ways.

So I started learning more reading, more listening in on conference calls. Sharing stuff on social media. I had these two beautiful blog posts I heavily researched to share, but then the dynamic happened then oh, I don't think people want to be reading about climate change. I'm going to have to wait and save those for when we have a little bit more bandwidth right now, then in the future, rather, right?

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. Because one of the places, the why bother where I get, where I say, why bother is anything creative?

Jennifer: Interesting really. Tell me more about that.

Nancy: What are you going to do with it.? Where's it going to go? If I make a, if I make a picture or do some painting, then I throw it away or I hang it up or it's just like, why bother?

Jennifer: Yeah. So that's such a beautiful example of how we can mixed together the desire that arises in you, the desire to create. Maybe can you tell me more? Is it texture? Is it color? What is, tell me more about that desire.

Nancy: It's even, because I guess directly it would be like, even in writing something, like if I'm going to write something, it needs to be publishable on my blog or in a book.

I can't write for the joy of writing.

Jennifer: So that's a place that we can really, you just said it's Why bother? Because we have fused. The desire to create with words let's say, and have fun and be in that flow state and be curious, and maybe be a little itchy scratchy at the end, like where your craft might meet.

Like you have a vision and your craft isn't quite there and hang out there. And that's the desire. And then the culture that we were talking about at the beginning of the interview comes in and says so what the patriarchal culture, by the way, comes in and says why would you waste your time on that?

It's not going to get anything, right? So our desires become a consumer object. That really is it's like someone else is going to consume it. You're not going to consume it, but then they're going to consume something of yours back. And we, and then it's our life force just goes, it's like water in the desert.

Nancy: Yeah, that's so true because then you take that story. You take that away then the next one is you aren't much of a writer. Of course,

Jennifer: Because we don't like to be again, that defended that defendant, that emotional system, we don't like to be in the unknown playing until we have found ways to make ourselves feel defended in playing.

So at first we have to walk into that gap. There's a story in the book about a woman who's been really successful. She was a client. Really successful running her family's business and she was getting ready to, so I'd made a lot of money, had done tons of kudos in her community from her family. It was time to leave and she wanted to start writing and she was like, but I won't be able to do it as well.

As I've done this business, I'm not going to get any accolades or kudos, who knows if I'll ever do anything with it. And she was walking right into that gap. And in that gap is where all the juiciness and desire in life is. So we have to find ways to be safe there and curious to feel defended and curious.

And it's not that difficult. It's just a practice. Like anything else? Just like you've learned to do with the critic with people. Okay. It's a practice it's huh? Okay. So I actually. I don't know how I'm going to do this. What do I know? I know that I really been loving Antonio Machado's poetry.

Okay. That's one thing I know what if I get the book down and pick some words out and set a timer for 15 minutes to play with words, but oh my God, you got to be kidding me. That's going to be so pointless. It's not going to be like his poetry. It's okay, true. True enough. But where's that desire?

Is that worth it to me because I feel it because I am here and I promise you everybody. What I have learned so many times over is when we can practice that. The life force returns to us, desire, returns to us. And then we can begin to say huh. You know what? I think I actually want to learn more about ho a tree.

All right. We're not turning into a big project. That's what we all do.

Nancy: I'm going to write every day for a half an hour, blah, blah, blah.

Jennifer: And instead it's I'm going to get a book. I'm going to get married all over his book about photo. No. I looked down in no, that's too technical. Oh, I'm going to get that book about poetry as medicine and therapy. And I'm just going to play with a little bit, open a page at random and play with it.

And I'm just going to keep attending to that desire. I'll tell you exactly how it shown up in my life. Right now. I got a bunch of collage stuff from my down basement and I have it on the dining room table. And I've been calling. Period. No, one's going to see it. It's not going to get me anything. Wow.

And uploaded on Instagram, I'm not going to be like, oh, Jan, your collages are so cool. I'm just doing it. I have this hour in the day where my husband makes dinner. Bob love him. And he likes me to stay near him while he's making dinner. And I don't drink, which is.

He makes dinner and he has a cocktail and I love drinking, but it just doesn't, it's not something I want to do every day. It's not good for so many things. And it's a more of a weekend thing. And so I've been getting in the habit of having a glass of wine with him or a drink, and I'm like, I don't want to do that.

So what do I do? I'm like what do you desire? I desired art . Oh, would you have same thing? Same everything. You've said everything, but what's it going to get you? And where are you going to do with it? And you're not any good at it. And you're going to get paint all over the dining room table. And so collage go back to collage and just, oh my God, it's making me so happy

Nancy: and not even and I'm good at this is going to be a manifesting, everything I'm collaging.

Jennifer: Oh no I made this collage with a zebra. We got these cards when we were in Patagonia. Of this. Oh yeah. No, it was weird. Weird. I just want to play with color and paper and texture and yeah

Nancy: , I love that because I want to, because I love how you, I'm so glad that you walked us through that example, with the collage and my writing example.

Because it is such a cool of how you attended to the security and

Jennifer: exactly right. Yeah . Yes. So this is not, it's not difficult to do y'all, but it is so essential without this juicy relationship with desire. Unattached to outcome, unattached to the consumer culture, unattached to the patriarchy. We just lose our joy for life.

We lose our ability and we lose our ability and our energy to create the things we do want. Let's say I want my book to sell well that's something I really want. Will I get it or not? I don't know. I can't control that. The desire that I feel when I make a collage or the desire, I feel like to show up for this conversation and be really here with you.

Those will fuel some of the harder actions I have to take, like reaching out to people who don't return my emails. I'm reaching out to media that ignores me, thing. So it does feed the bigger picture, but it's not why we.

Nancy: Yeah. Yes. That's an important caveat. Yeah. Because

Jennifer: then that just puts flunks us right back into the, where we started.

Jennifer: Yeah. What you want to do y'all might not be art or creative or anything. It might be, I really want to make a pie. I don't know what I want to go play. I don't even eat pie. I want to make a box.

Nancy: Yeah. By, because I even recently started making bread.

I know it

dammit. I'm not like the whole time doing it. I'm like I just did it on Friday. I had so much fun. And we made two loaves and I'm like, we're not going to be able to eat two loaves. It's just my husband. And I am way making too much bread, like all that. And then I was like, who cares? We're making it's yeast and flour and water who cares.

I was like, but man, did I have you're not science minded and this is supposed to be about precision and you don't have precision, you're followed flighty, all that stuff. But then when I finished, I was like, I had so much fun.

Jennifer: This is beautiful. This is a beautiful example of following your desire and allowing it.

And then the noises there, the fonts are there. They're doing what they're doing, but you kept focusing on the pleasure, the needing the smells. This is a beautiful example, and we just need so much more of this. And when we're in a why bother question in our life or an area of our life, This is the, this is what turns it around.

Nancy: Ah, and we're going to end it on that note because that is perfect. Okay. People, I can't say enough. Good things. I'm right there with Tara Moore. This book has never been written before. Why bother discover the desire for what's next? We'll put a link in the show notes. Thank you, Jen, for showing up and walking us through this process in a really cool,

Jennifer: Hey, total pleasure.

It was so much fun.

Nancy: I loved this interview with Jen. She is someone I've admired from afar. So being able to interview her and pick her brain it was amazing. My biggest takeaway was the idea of how we talk to ourselves out of exploring our creativity or passions, because it isn't practice. Man. Oh man, is this something I do on a daily basis?

I walked away from this interview with new insight, into my own creativity and how I can open myself up to doing activities just because I think they'd be fun. Not because there are practical. Whoa. Isn't that a conscience? Again, this concept can be taken to what is happening in our larger national picture.

We are so afraid of taking imperfect action and doing it wrong. We forget that not taking action and rehashing all the ways we've done it wrong in the past. As Jen would say, holding our mistakes. Just keeps us stuck. We forget that each day we can do it differently. We can take small measured, imperfect action.

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Episode 107: Recognizing The Signs Of High Functioning Anxiety

In our podcast this week I talk about how to spot high functioning anxiety symptoms and some ways to address them that may benefit you and your mental health.

In our podcast this week I talk about how to spot high functioning anxiety symptoms and some ways to address them that may benefit you and your mental health. As a mental health coach, I have talked openly about my own experience with high functioning anxiety and how I came to understand it.

Even as an anxiety coach, I still find myself wrestling with the signs of high anxiety and how to navigate my way through it. That’s why in this podcast I break down everything you need to know the signs and symptoms of high functioning anxiety and how it plays a role in our everyday lives. While similar, high functioning anxiety isn’t the same as classic anxiety so let’s explore it a bit more by looking at the symptoms that can help you define your anxieties.

Top High Functioning Anxiety Symptom: Outward Perfection, Inward Anxiety

On the outside, you appear to be the most “with it” woman anyone is ever going to meet–calm, cool, and collected. But on the inside, you are an over-analyzing storm of self-doubt, stress, and anxiety. 

Those of us with high functioning anxiety have developed coping skills and have become so good at hiding our anxiety, even our friends and family would never guess what lay under the surface. 

But these coping skills have left us feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and still full of anxiety. And what makes it worse, everyone around us sees us as being able to handle anything and just keeps piling on more and more. 

The 10 Symptoms of High Functioning Anxiety

The truth is, high functioning anxiety is more than just feeling anxious. Which means that coping with it can seem like a challenge. The truth is it starts with recognizing when your high functioning anxiety is running the show. 

Once we start learning to recognize the signs of high functioning anxiety and developing the coping skills to deal with our anxiety, we can start calming the storm and finding the ease that we are looking for. 

Symptoms of high functioning anxiety include:

• Procrastination

• Seeking constant reassurance, AKA Praise me, please!

• Control freak

• Busy busy busy

• Lots of negative self-talk

• Fear of letting people down

• Lack of sleep

• Numbing

• Physical symptoms

• Everything is “fine!”

Do these sound familiar? If you’ve been living with mental health anxiety or HFA your whole life these feelings may not seem unusual to you. In fact, you may have defaulted to believing you need to push harder before you find some type of relief from your anxiety.

“Our HFA becomes a double edged sword. On one hand, we have anxiety, a very real condition of overthinking, over-analyzing and constantly doubting ourselves, which is totally exhausting. And then on the other hand, the coping mechanism of choice is pushing, doing, achieving, which causes us to feel totally exhausted.”

Tips On Coping With HFA 

So what should you actually do about it? Even as an anxiety specialist, I have to remind myself of these 

• Be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that you are human and that this doesn’t mean that you are broken or flawed

• Be curious about how you are feeling and make checking in with yourself a habit

• Make the time throughout the day to regularly get out of your head and into your body

• Sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and check in with my feelings of anxiety or worry and fear. Simply acknowledging my mental state and how I am feeling helps me cope.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to stop and check in with my feelings of anxiety or worry and fear. Simply acknowledging my mental state and how I am feeling helps me cope. 

References & Resources:

• The Feeling List PDF

• The DSM

• My book The Happier Approach

• Learn more about working with me through on-demand anxiety coaching!

+ Read the Transcript

On the outside, you look totally on top of it. You're a spouse daughter, sister, friend, employee, and volunteer. You can multitask like a boss and you appear, confident, driven, professional, successful, and responsible. Yet on the inside, you overanalyze every conversation and interaction you have. You believe there is a right way. And if you think hard enough, you'll find it. You feel the need to over clarify everything out of fear you'll be misunderstood and start a conflict. You worry about how other people feel even when it's to your detriment. You constantly stress about what others think of you and you know one day they will find out you're a fraud. You say you're sorry for everything, and you're way too over forgiving. You find yourself taking the blame for others to spare their feelings. And you hustle hard so no one will see this version of you. Those of us with high functioning anxiety live double lives. The outside version, capable, on top of it. And the inside version, stressed, worried, and over analyzing.

You're listening to The Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. All this month, we are talking specifically about high functioning anxiety and how to see it playing out in your everyday life. The challenge of high functioning anxiety is that from an early age, we learn the way to deal with our anxiety is to overachieve. The more we're doing, the more people depend on us, the more praise we receive, the less anxiety we feel. Over time, this push for praise, accomplishment, and achieving becomes addicting. And we find ourselves doing more and more without the anxiety relief that it once brought us. Our HFA becomes a double edged sword. On one hand, we have anxiety, a very real condition of overthinking, over-analyzing and constantly doubting ourselves, which is totally exhausting. And then on the other hand, the coping mechanism of choice is pushing, doing, achieving, which causes us to feel totally exhausted.

The coping mechanism that used to help is now hurting us, but we feel we can't stop it because it's all we know. It starts with recognizing when your HFA is running the show. High functioning anxiety is so normalized if not rewarded in our culture. In this episode, we're talking about the signs of HFA, because when we can recognize the signs, we can start developing new coping skills to deal with our anxiety. First, let me start by saying high functioning anxiety is not a diagnosable disorder. The usual symptoms of anxiety are present for those living with high functioning anxiety, including catastrophic thinking, excessive worry and irritability. As I shared at the beginning of the episode, people might experience racing thoughts, feeling restless, and an overwhelming sense that they're never doing enough. But according to the DSM, people with anxiety have clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Meaning that their anxiety holds them back from doing things. They often want to hide out, avoid activities or say no frequently. But those of us with HFA, we have the opposite reaction to our anxiety.

We have the desire to achieve more as a way to manage our fears and doubts. So when others see us, they perceive us as an achievement-oriented perfectionist and highly motivated. We're so good at hiding our anxiety, even our friends and family would never guess that our behaviors are because of our anxiety. HFA can be a very lonely place to be. You develop coping skills to deal with your anxiety, but those coping skills leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and still full of anxiety. And to make it worse, everyone around you sees you as high functioning and keeps piling on because they perceive you as being able to handle anything. So today, I want to talk about the 10 symptoms of high functioning anxiety so you can start to recognize them. The first one, my personal favorite, is procrastination. True confession, I'm a master procrastinator. In fact, I cleaned my whole office yesterday rather than write this podcast episode. Procrastination goes arm-in-arm with perfectionism, which is another big sign of high functioning anxiety.

We procrastinate because we're so worried about making it perfect, which is what was so frustrating when I was trying to write this podcast episode. Because I love talking about high functioning anxiety, I love helping people with high functioning anxiety. I am passionate about helping people with this condition because it's so debilitating. And I love doing my podcast, it's one of the favorite parts of my job. And yet here I am procrastinating about something I really want to do. That procrastination is directly linked to my anxiety telling me it has to be perfect. Because I care so much about this topic and my podcast, I convince myself there's no room for error. If I procrastinate until the last minute, then I can blame the imperfections on the deadline. "I ran out of time. That's why it isn't perfect." Does that sound crazy or what? Faulty logic for sure, but those of us with HFA frequently play with faulty logic and try to gain the system to prevent our anxiety from rearing its ugly head. Number two, you seek constant reassurance, aka, "Praise me, please."

People with high functioning anxiety love praise. Praise keeps the anxiety at bay. As anxiety and worry grow, we can lose sight of those thoughts being irrational and unrealistic. In order to try to calm those thoughts, we need constant reassurance from those around us. So we seek out praise. We do things that will earn us praise. We are the first to say, "Yes, of course. I can do that." The more responsible we are, the more praise we get. And the more praise we get, the less we worry and doubt that we are okay, that our thoughts are irrational or unrealistic. At least, that's what we tell ourselves. Again, back to that faulty logic. Number three, being a control freak. Being called a control freak is common for people with high functioning anxiety. By controlling the environment, the people and situations around us, we are controlling our anxiety. One of the ways that many people I know who have high functioning anxiety game the system and make their anxiety work for them is as party planners, they know how to host a party. Yip, that is totally counterintuitive.

Why would someone with a high need for perfection and a lot of self-doubt want to host a party? By hosting a party, they can control the situation, the people, the environment, the timing. Hosting can decrease some of the anxiety that comes with parties and it's also one of those behaviors that masks our anxiety. Because we're so good at hosting, no one would know we're dealing with anxiety the whole night. And talk about a lot of praise, when we host a good party, we get lots and lots of praise. Number four, busy, busy, busy. The busier you are, the more you can avoid the anxious negative thoughts. My clients are some of the busiest people I know. This busy is more than having too much on your plate, this busy is a deep seeded need to keep pushing, keep doing. It is a sense of trying to outrun all your doubts and insecurities by pushing yourself as hard as possible and getting as much praise as possible. Ironically, people with high functioning anxiety frequently say to me, "I just want some time to relax. Some free time to do nothing."

But when they get that time, inevitably their anxiety consumes them so they fill it up as quickly as possible with stuff. A great example of this is when you're in the car alone and finally have a chance to relax, listen to your favorite music and chill. But people with high functioning anxiety fill this time with educational podcasts or news. And the estimated arrival time on the GPS becomes the time to beat. They turn it into a competition, challenging themselves to beat the GPS arrival time as if there will be a team of cheerleaders giving you praise when you arrived three minutes before your GPS says you will. Number five, you experience a lot of negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is at the root of high functioning anxiety. Everyone has a monger, that negative inner critic. But people with HFA have a cruel unrelenting manipulative monger. When I was doing my book tour for The Happier Approach, I realized that some people had an annoying voice that was critical at times. But those HFA have a voice that never stops.

Our monger is like wearing a straight jacket, keeping us stuck in black and white thinking and afraid to engage in our lives for fear of doing it wrong and being hammered. Many of the behaviors I describe, procrastination, busy, busy, busy, being a control freak, are all the ways we cope with our very loud mongers. Number six, one of your biggest fears is letting people down. The fear of disappointing someone, making a mistake, or worse, hurting someone without realizing it can be crippling for those with high functioning anxiety. The push towards overachieving comes from a need for appreciation and love. And we feel, or as that evil monger tells us, that appreciation and love only come if we earn it. So we are constantly vigilant about what other people think about us. Ever spent the evening obsessing when someone doesn't reply to your text message, assuming it's because they're mad at you? Yip. That is high functioning anxiety rearing its ugly head. Number seven, lack of sleep, aka, rewinding, replaying and over-analyzing. People with HFA usually have insomnia.

Falling asleep isn't a problem, but inevitably you'll wake up at 3:00 AM spinning out about a recent conversation, your to-do list, or worrying about an upcoming project. People with HFA are master analyzers. They replay, rewind, and overanalyze just about everything. No matter how well a conversation went with somebody, you'll always replay that conversation in your head fearing that you may have said something wrong. Replaying, rewinding over and over making sure you didn't mess up. Because with HFA, we fear people finding out that we are full of doubt and insecurity. Number eight, numbing. People with high functioning anxiety are masters at numbing. Alcohol, food, shopping, social media, phone apps, TV, exercise, anything that will shut off our brains and bring us some quiet. Often, the only way we can do that is through numbing. This is another one of those symptoms that feels like it's helping but in reality, it's hurting us. Numbing actually makes our anxiety worse. When we overspend, overeat, over-drink. Or overindulge, it often causes a boomerang effect of more anxiety. Number nine, physical symptoms.

Another way that HFA is different from regular anxiety, rarely does someone with high functioning anxiety experience a full blown panic attack. They might feel overwhelmed, hyper stressed or anxious, but the pain and "feel like I'm going to die" sensations that comes for a panic attack, they don't appear very frequently. But that doesn't mean you don't have physical symptoms. In addition to the lack of sleep, there is indigestion, high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, and backaches. People with high functioning anxiety tend to think these symptoms are normal or just the price of doing business. But these are our body's way of sending us signals that our anxiety is out of control and we need to make some changes. Recognizing these symptoms can be challenging because we live so much in our heads sometimes forgetting that we even have a body until it's screaming at us so loudly that we end up with raging headaches or severe IBS. Number 10, "Fine. Fine. Everything's fine." People with high functioning anxiety tend to be very even keel, at least on the outside.

"Never let them see you sweat" is a mantra that you believe to the depth of your soul. They pride themselves on having it all together, being peoples go-to person, and always being able to say yes. Negative emotions, sadness, fear, doubt, anger, well, those feelings, they're just not acceptable. So people with high functioning anxiety develop a tendency to not only ignore their bodies, but they also ignore their emotions. They concentrate so much on the outside world, keeping other people happy, earning praise, accomplishing and doing that they have no relationship with their internal world. They've stopped listening to themselves and they've lost any sense of loyalty to themselves. People with high functioning anxiety are some of the most loyal people you will ever meet. They will go to the ends of the earth for their loved ones and anyone on their inner circle, but often at the expense of their own health. Okay. So you've listened to all the symptoms and you're like, "Yes, that's totally me. Okay. So what do I do about it?" Here are some of my tips. When you notice any of these symptoms, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Remind yourself you are human and anxiety is something you're dealing with as a human. It doesn't mean you're weak or broken, it means you have a tendency to see the world through an anxious lens. That's it. Be kind. Be curious. Randomly throughout the day, ask yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" I will include a feelings list in the show notes, but you don't have to do anything with that feeling. Just start acknowledging that it exists, that's what's important. Notice you have a body. Again, randomly throughout the day, get into your body. Set reminders on your phone to do a full body stretch, or engage in the five senses meditation. Take a few minutes to go through each of your senses, "What am I feeling? Seeing? Hearing? Tasting? Smelling?" I love this meditation and I don't really like meditations, but I love this one because you can do it with your eyes open just about anywhere. And it immediately brings you into your body. Also, when you're in the bathroom, actually look in the mirror. So often we don't really see ourselves in the mirror.

I will say silently to myself, "Hey there, sweet pea. How's it going today?" That simple act of acknowledging my humanness is so healing. Simply noticing as I did yesterday, that my coping skill of procrastination isn't helping the situation and lovingly encourage myself to buckle down and get to work helps decrease the effects of the anxiety. High functioning anxiety can be controlled. It involves noticing when you're living from a place of anxiety and slowly bringing yourself back into your body. Yes, I know it's completely counterintuitive to what your body is telling you to do. But trust me, it works.

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Episode 099: The Curse of "I'm Fine"

This week I had an ah-ha when I noticed I was stressed to the max but was telling myself 'everything is fine.' My body was screaming stress, and my anxiety was in full force, but my mind was trying to convince me it was no big deal. This is a classic pattern of High Functioning Anxiety listen to see how to recognize the pattern and what to do about it.

+ Read the Transcript

Hey, gang. So excited to be back here. Today I want to talk about the way to get through anxiety. We all know this starts with feeling your feelings. We all know this because I've talked about it ad nauseum on this podcast, but that's way easier said than done, which also is something I talk about a lot on this podcast too. We have to acknowledge what we feel because the anxiety keeps us trapped up in our heads in this "Ah!" frantic energy, and we need to drop back down into our bodies and acknowledge what else is going on other than just the frantic energy that's happening around us.

This week, I had a fascinating realization on this whole phenomenon of stress, and the curse of I'm fine and how we deal with it when we have anxiety, especially high functioning anxiety. The more stressful things that happened in our lives, the more we convince ourselves we're fine. You would think that the more stressful things that happened in our lives, the more the wheels would be falling off, and we would be crying and stressed out and giving ourselves all this extra love because we're so stressed out.

But no, actually, the opposite happens. The more stressed out we get, the more we convince ourselves we're fine and that everything's okay. I'm going to give you an example just to illustrate the point. Let's say you have a stressful week. It's Sunday night, and you're heading into the week, you know it's going to be stressful because the kids' activities are picking up, they're in full swing. You have a project due at work, and your partner is going to be traveling for part of the week. Oh, it sounds very stressful.

As the start of the week, you say to a friend on Monday morning, "Oh my gosh, I am so stressed out. This week is going to be packed. We have so much going on." And your friend says, "I get it. I'm here if you need me, I have a light week, so I can help out if you need some help." You're so appreciative; you say "Yay, thank you so much." you give a big hug and you move on. And then Tuesday hits and your oldest comes down with strep, the dog escapes and runs all over the neighborhood, and your car gets a flat tire. And on Wednesday, your husband, who was supposed to be home that night, calls to say his flight is delayed, and he's hoping to make it home by Thursday.

So your stressful week, "has turned into hell." And what happens is you act like everything's fine. The more stressed out you get, the more you say, "It's fine. I got this." And then I bet what happens is your body starts showing you you're stressed. You might have indigestion or headaches. You can't keep a thought in your head. You're extra grouchy, and the tensions run high. But in your mind, everything's fine. You got it. The plate is full, but you're on top of it. It's this opposite thing that happens.

Your body is screaming with stress, but your mind has taken over. I would argue that your Monger and your BFF have taken over and are telling you, "Just keep going. We got this; we got this." And so you are in pure survival mode, and there is no way when you're in pure survival mode, you're going to start acknowledging your feelings. It's just not going to happen. So this aha came to me, this realization of this pattern, came to me this week with me.

And we got a new dog last Sunday. He's absolutely adorable. Waterson is his name. He's this beautiful black lab, 14 months old, and he's a handful. We're trying to get him acclimated to our house. We're trying to get him acclimated to our cats. It's a lot, and so that alone would be a lot. But then on top of that, I had a bunch of doctor's appointments this week. We had some issues in our personal lives, just stuff has been happening that's put on the stress, our plate is full, and it was Thursday afternoon, and I couldn't keep a thought in my head. I feel like everything keeps flying out of my brain without me even thinking about it. I'm just dropping balls all over the place.

And I thought, "Well, wow, I only do that when I'm stressed, but I'm not that stressed. I mean, we don't have a lot going on. I don't know why I'm acting this way. I don't know what's wrong with me." I just kept going, and more and more stuff kept piling onto the plate, and my indigestion crept up, I started getting a headache, and I thought, "Wait a minute, you are stressed. When is it enough stress for you to acknowledge it?" It was just kind of this aha that I feel like I passed this threshold.

I go along with all my stress, and then I hit this threshold where it's just, I've crossed over into survival mode. When I'm in survival mode, that means I'm also in denial mode of what's happening, and so I completely ignore my body. I completely ignore everything around me, and I plow ahead with the attitude, "I got this, I'm going to keep going. Just moving forward on automatic." Meanwhile, my anxiety is through the roof. I'm driving my husband crazy because I have all this anxiety. I'm over analyzing every little thing. My anger and irritation are up higher. All because I'm ignoring what's going on and this happens all the time.

I say to myself, I say to my clients and I probably, venture to guess, you can see it in your life, too. What's happening is your Monger is running the show. You're overwhelmed. Your Monger steps in to remind you how overwhelmed you are, how many balls you've dropped, how much you suck, everything that's going wrong. And so your BFF steps in, and remember your BFF is the voice of false self-compassion. Her favorite thing to do is to blame other people. She's going to blame your husband for traveling. She's going to blame the dog, she's going to blame your kids for having too many activities, and she's going to get you all riled up in a sense because she's blaming everyone around you. And she's going to say, "Go ahead. Have that third drink."

She's going to encourage you on Wednesday night when your husband calls and says, "I'm not coming home until tomorrow," to drink that bottle of wine. Then, Thursday morning you wake up, and you have a hangover, and your Monger is even louder than she was before. That argument between those two keeps you in this high stakes anxiety. It's overwhelming. You can't handle it, so you go into auto mode because you know how to do auto mode. You're good at white knuckling it. You're good at toughing it out and holding it together and soldiering on. That is one of your strengths.

And so it's recognizing when you were soldiering on and toughing it out, and your body is screaming to say, "Whoa, there's too much going on here. We need to figure out how to take care of ourselves." That combination, the more stressed we get, the more we ignore our bodies, the more we ignore the messages of the Biggest Fan who's there whispering saying, "Oh, Sweet Pea, whew. We need to slow down. We need to do this differently."

A couple of weeks ago I posted on Instagram about a habit that I have that when I go to the bathroom, I don't look at myself in the mirror because I'm always onto the next thing. Usually, just onto the next thing and not paying attention. I've been trying to do this practice of looking in the mirror and touching my hands over my heart and saying, "Okay, Sweet Pea, what's going on?" And giving myself a check-in.

This week, as I was super stressed out and running from thing to thing, I stopped doing that. I stopped checking in with myself in the mirror. A, I didn't even notice I wasn't doing it; but B, it was a real recognition of, "Oh my gosh, I am in such a survival mode. I'm not even doing the things that I know make me feel better." And that is to stop and check in and see what's happening because our Monger convinces us there's no time. We have to keep it going. We have to keep plowing ahead. We can't be stopping. Ah, there's so much to do. There's so much to do. There's so much to do.

Underneath our calm, "I'm fine. I got it all together," is this hyper energy, this hyper high functioning anxiety energy. And the only way to get rid of that crazy energy is if we slow down and we acknowledge what we're feeling, and we say, "Oh my gosh, I am so overwhelmed right now. I am so frustrated that I have to drive the kids everywhere. I am so lost and confused about this project that we have for work. I don't know how we're going to finish it all. I am so overwhelmed with all the responsibilities I have, and I need to figure out how to do this differently."

And then, when we slow down and get into our bodies, and then we can say, "Okay, wow, my head hurts. Oh my gosh, I have horrible indigestion." We could take some deep breaths, do a little dance, get it a wiggle and then we can pull back and see the big picture and say, "Oh yeah, remember on Monday when your friend said, 'I have a light week, and I'd be happy to help.'?" Maybe I could call on her and say, "Could you pick the kids up on Thursday? I need to stay late at work and figure out this project."

When we get out of the fight or flight mode, when we get out of the soldiering on and the sucking it up, buttercup, and we're able to acknowledge what we're feeling, slow down and get into our bodies and kindly pull back to see the big picture. We can see we have other options that someone offered to help, maybe fast food and pizzas are how the week's going to roll, and we're just going to be okay with that. And we're going to try to sneak in our fruits and vegetables where we can. Maybe it is a week that we are going to have to ask the kids to step up and help out because dad isn't here and I'm losing it, and so we can ask for help.

All of that stuff comes when we kindly pull back to see the big picture. But here's the glitch, the pull, the pull of the good girl, the pull of the perfectionist, the pull of, "I got this, I'm fine," is so strong, it's built into us. It's so much a part of us, and it's such a place where we find pride that it hurts us. It's hard to go against that voice. That's where I just am saying, "I hear ya. I get it. I understand how hard this is, but I also know that we can't keep doing this. We can't keep pushing ourselves to the point of headaches and backaches and indigestion and overwhelm and stress and insomnia and all those things our bodies are screaming at us. We can't keep doing this, and so we have to find a different way. I hear you that your high functioning anxiety has helped you get to where you are, but I also hear you that it's hurting you."

This hard wiring is hard to un-wire, but it's possible. I caught myself this week and then in the past I would never have caught myself. This aha would never have happened. For me to be able to say, "Wait a minute, listen to your body, what's going on?" That's a huge win. I'm still in the middle of the week. It was still stressful when that came to me. I wasn't just, "Sucking it up, buttercup." I wasn't just plowing forward. I was able to stop, and so I encourage you to find a way you can stop. Is that putting a sticky note in your car to that says, "A.S.K." So you acknowledge what you're feeling. Is it starting your morning every day by looking at the day and saying, "Wow, where is this day going to be stressful? Where can I put in a break? Where can I take care of myself?" And just understanding the day and doing some pre-planning, so you don't get into the fight or flight mode.

You don't get into the, "I got this," place. You catch yourself before you get there and you're able to put in some buffer rooms. Any of those, there's a lot of ideas and a lot of ways to go around this. I am going to stick in the show notes a PDF on your feelings, and I want you to take a look at that. It's also in my book, The Happier Approach. I have a page that's devoted to the feeling, so if you have The Happier Approach, you can pull that out, and it's beneficial to look at that to be able to see, "Okay, wow." And maybe saying, "I'm feeling angry, but really underneath that anger, I'm seething, or I'm super frustrated or irritated or, wow, I am feeling insecure right now." This feelings list helps you tap into what else is going on other than just, "I'm angry at my husband for being late."

What else is under there? I'm feeling lost, and I'm feeling like a bad mom. I'm feeling insecure and being able to acknowledge those feelings makes such a difference, and it helps prevent that pushing externally, that drive to get everything done because that's what the mode we go into. We get into this mode where we're just about accomplishing, and we forget that we're human beings who have a body that needs us. It requires attention. We need to pay attention to our Biggest Fan. That's her saying, "Come on, Sweet Pea. We can do this, but we got to take care of ourselves."

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Episode 098: Ok, I think I have High Functioning Anxiety. What do I do about it?

In episode 097, I described High Functioning Anxiety today I am looking at what do about it and why just overcoming perfectionism or setting boundaries won't work.

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Hey everyone, so happy to be back here and chatting with you all again. I have to say as a little aside that since I have given myself permission to give some wiggle room around this podcast and not be so militant about getting it out every Tuesday, once a week, or every other week. I have so much more joy about doing the podcast, and I have been more on top of it for doing the podcast.

And best of all, it has been fun. So it was a great lesson to me in the power of loosening up and releasing some of those rigid rules that we have on things. And I was curious in your life, is there a place where you could release some rigidity? And it might help loosen things up and bring more joy into your life. Or into that specific activity.

So give it a try. It’s worked for me, especially with this podcast, and I’ve seen it in a variety of other areas in my life, and that’s been fun. So wanted to share that tip with you all. But now, let’s get onto today’s topic because I’m excited about it. Clearly, I hit a nerve a couple of weeks ago when I did episode 97, and I talked about high functioning anxiety because I heard from so many people through emails and direct messages saying, “Yep, that’s me. Have you been in my head? Oh my gosh, I have high functioning anxiety.”

And so today I wanted to talk about what you can do about it. So the tricky thing about high functioning anxiety and dealing with it is multi-leveled. One, it is challenging because underneath everything, you have anxiety, and to deal with the anxiety, you have developed coping mechanisms. It’s these coping mechanisms that a lot of the self-help industry deals with; perfectionism, people-pleasing, focusing externally, all of those things that we do, the push, push, push and the hustle, and all the traits I use to describe high functioning anxiety in episode 97.

We do those coping skills, so we don’t have to feel the underlying anxiety. And so it isn’t about the coping skills and fixing the coping skills because if you start to try to fix people-pleasing and you set a lot of boundaries, and you start saying no to people, the anxiety rises within you and is so overwhelming that you’re just easier to go back to people-pleasing.

So it’s a twofold problem. And then underneath it all, it’s a secret. It’s this shame that you have about having the anxiety and feeling this way. And so because of that, because your Monger is demonic, as my husband likes to say mine is because your Monger is so loud, you don’t tell anyone that you’re dealing with this anxiety. And whenever we’re living in secret and in shame, it makes things that much harder.

So because of that those three factors, the coping skills, the secretiveness, and the actual anxiety, it’s a little challenging to deal with this high functioning anxiety. It’s not impossible, but it does require some new ways of looking at it than you probably have been looking at it. And that’s what I want to talk about today.

So specifically, today, I want to be talking about the coping skills you’re dealing with and you’re using to work with your anxiety. And that’s how I think we can start to make change is when we can start recognizing the coping skills. And once we start recognizing the coping skills, then we can start seeing the anxiety and dealing with the underlying anxiety.

If we spend so much time trying to fix the coping skills, we’ll never get to the underlying anxiety because it’s way too much to deal with. I’m going to tell a story to illustrate how this will work. Let’s take the example if you’re at work and your boss gives you a project, and you immediately are like, “Of course, I got this,” because people-pleasing is what you engage in, and you like to be there for other people, and you get a lot done, and you’re the go-to person for your office.

So when your boss comes in and says, “Hey, can you do this project?” You’re like, “Of course, I got this.” And so you add it to the pile of stuff that’s on your desk, and it’s one more project in the long list of projects. And then you get home, and you’re like, “Oh my gosh, why did I do that? Why did I say yes to that project? I should have said no, blah, blah, blah.” And you beat yourself up for not saying no.

Next day you go into the office, and your boss comes in and has another project for you to do. And you immediately are like, “No, I can’t do it. I have too much.” Some freak of nature hits you, and you say no to him. And after he walks out and he says, “Okay,” he walks out, you are consumed with anxiety of who do you think you are? You can’t say no; you’re going to lose your job. You’re the one that everyone counts on. What are you thinking? Oh my gosh.

On and on and on and on and on, your Monger goes. And so your anxiety goes through the roof because you’ve said no. And that is a prime example of how High Functioning Anxiety hits us because we go against the coping skill and the anxiety freaks us out. Or we’re working with the coping skill as you were the day before, and you said, “Yes,” and then you’re freaking out because you have too much to do.

So what do you do? How do you cope with this? Well, the first thing you’re going to do, and you’ve heard me say it 1,000 times, but I’m going to say it again, is you got to practice A.S.K. At that moment when you notice, I said yes, and I meant to say no, that’s when you say what happened there? What did my boss trigger in me? Why did I say yes?

Oh, I said yes because I’m worried about what he’s going to think. I said yes because I’m scared that I’m going to lose my job. I said yes because I’m super insecure. And then you slow down and get into your body, and however that is, and then you can kindly pull back to see the big picture, to be like, “Wait a minute, I just got an excellent review. I’m good at my job. My boss says I’m good at my job, and I’m not going to be good at my job if I keep saying yes when I need to be saying no.”

So that K piece of A.S.K. is so important because anxiety and our Mongers keep us stuck in rigidity. As I said at the very beginning when I was talking about my podcast and how opening up and seeing giving myself a little more wiggle room has helped with the podcast, and me getting it done really helped with my anxiety.

And so the way to do that, K, kindly pull back to see the big picture. The only way to get there is if you are checking in with yourself. And that’s why Acknowledging what you’re feeling and Slowing down, and getting to your body are such an important part of the process because you have to be able to connect with yourself.

And anxiety pulls us outside of ourselves all the time. So even if you are numbing out, which is another coping skill of people with High Functioning Anxiety, or you are overly controlling, having a ten reaction to a two situation, all those things we do to cope with this anxiety feeling. When we can slow down and get into her body, and when we can acknowledge what we’re feeling, then we can kindly pull back to see the big picture, and we can see the wiggle room.

But as long as we’re engaged in the coping mechanism, we won’t be able to pull back and see the big picture and start building that loyalty with ourselves. The biggest way to ease your High Functioning Anxiety is to start building a relationship with yourself, building loyalty with yourself. And the way to do that is to start being curious about what is important to you. What do you want to do? What are your feelings? How do you feel about the situation?

Because when you have High Functioning Anxiety, you’re constantly looking outside of yourself. You’re looking outside of yourself to find the right answer, for someone to tell you the right thing to do to make someone else happy, to even when you numb out, you’re looking outside of yourself. You’re looking for the shopping or the T.V. or the food or the alcohol to make you feel better.

You aren’t looking internally. And so that’s the big message here that we need to start one, recognizing what our coping skills are and what we’re doing in the world to prevent our anxiety. And then two, practicing A.S.K. when we start feeling the anxiety, when we start noticing that coping skill to step in and say, “Wait, what is going on here? What am I feeling?”

Yesterday on Instagram, I posted a picture of myself in the mirror because I was talking with a client this week in and I had shared how I realized that I will go to the bathroom, I’ll wash my hands, I’ll do the whole spiel, but I won’t ever look in the mirror. And it’s not because I’m don’t want to see myself it’s just that I’m always onto the next thing. I’m moving so quickly through the bathroom to get to the next thing that I don’t pay attention to myself.

And so even the practice of just looking in the mirror every day when I go to the bathroom and checking in, being like, “Hey, how are you doing?” And seeing myself has helped in building that relationship with myself. So I’m not just this computer that’s moving through the day, trying to read what everyone else is telling me to do and making sure I click all the boxes.

The more we can slow down and get in touch with ourselves and see ourselves. And that’s why the power of the bathroom looking in the mirror is so important because it allows you to slow down and see yourself. And that’s how you can start building a relationship with yourself that decreases this High Functioning Anxiety piece. So as I said in the beginning, it’s complex because you have three different things you’re working with. You’re working with the coping skills; you’re working with your anxiety, and you’re working with the shame and the secretiveness about how you’re feeling.

And so the more we can start getting in touch with ourselves, acknowledging our experiences, paying attention to what we’re feeling, noticing what is coming up for us, and giving that some credit, the more we can start decreasing this anxiety and stop looking outside of ourselves for all the answers.

So practical tips on this are looking in the mirror when you go to the bathroom and engaging with yourself. But secondly, it’s paying attention to those coping skills. What are the coping skills you’re using? What are your preferences and coping skills? And when you notice that coping skill kicking in to recognize that it’s anxiety.

That’s your Monger talking. That’s anxiety talking. And then engaging in a practice that I prefer, which is A.S.K., or whatever practice you have that decreases your anxiety and helps you get in better touch with yourself. But it’s noticing that it’s not saying it’s not changing the coping skill necessarily. The coping skill is a sign that you have anxiety and that that’s what you need to be dealing with.

It’s not that you need to stop people-pleasing. You do need to stop people-pleasing, don’t get wrong, but it’s more so that the people-pleasing is there, so you don’t feel anxiety. It’s not people-pleasing in and of itself. It’s the people-pleasing that is helping you from dealing with your anxiety, and that’s what we want to be dealing with.

We want to be dealing with the anxiety. We want to be dealing with building loyalty to yourself so that when you start to feel anxious, your first reaction isn’t one of these coping skills. Instead, your first reaction is to deal with the anxiety.

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Episode 097: What is High Functioning Anxiety?

Today I am looking at the term High Functioning Anxiety. What is it? Why I think it is important to differentiate from anxiety and how to know, you might be dealing with it.

Transcript:

In our podcast this week, I talk about my own personal story with it and how I came to notice the signs of high functioning anxiety in myself. I also talk about what high functioning anxiety is and I came to love working with people who also struggle with this very same issue. 

Even as an anxiety coach, I find myself struggling with the voice in my head who tells me what I’m supposed to be doing and lets me know when I appear to be doing it wrong, or what I like to call a “Monger”. I felt that same voice getting louder when it came to podcasting. Having these kinds of feelings is a classic sign of high functioning anxiety. 

I’m guessing that you can probably relate to how I’ve been feeling about podcasting I discussed in this week’s episode:

“I have a very loud Monger who tells me that the rule is I’m supposed to do a podcast every week on the same day and prerecord them and get them out to you and be rigid about it. And that is just not how this podcast thing works for me right now.

And so I  appreciated the wiggle room that some people gave me to say just show up. I don’t care how often. So that was so sweet, and it was a great reminder to me how our Mongers can insist that we do something and keep us rigid without us even knowing it.”

If you’ve ever felt like anything other than perfection was unacceptable and that you must follow how you’re “supposed to” do something to the exact letter and feel a weight of anxiety, you may have high functioning anxiety.

So What Even Is High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re familiar with anxiety, you may have a general understanding of how it works and what people with generalized anxiety disorder may be experiencing. But high functioning anxiety may be a new term that you’re not as familiar with—and high functioning anxiety is not the same as general anxiety. 

The truth is that high anxiety is not considered a separate diagnosis of general anxiety, but the way people with high functioning anxiety may experience different signs and symptoms is what makes it different. I believe high functioning anxiety deserves its own separate category because how you cope with it is very different.

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem calm, cool, and collected on the outside but are internally battling with the constant storm of self doubt, stress, and anxiety.

What Is It Like to Have High Functioning Anxiety?

Personally, my experiences with high anxiety symptoms always seemed to be different than everyone else's. I always knew I struggled with anxiety but I never related to people who suffered from panic attacks and constant worry. 

“I don’t have a lot of fears or phobias. I don’t have obsessive-compulsive. I just had this low running anxiety all the time. And so I would put myself as a type A personality more so than anxiety, a control freak and uptight and that sort of phraseology that I would use.”

Can you relate to those feelings of what it’s like to have high functioning anxiety? It took me a while to really understand that I didn’t have many of the same symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder many others had.

It wasn’t until I read Sarah Wilson’s book First, We Make the Beast Beautiful, that I began to wrap my mind around what I was experiencing and the world I was living in inside my mind. I related to the way that she described anxiety and it helped me realize that I have high functioning anxiety. 

“It was very different from anything I had read before about anxiety because she wasn’t coming at it from a mental health, generalized anxiety disorder perspective. She was coming at it from this is what I deal with my anxiety. And so it was just a refreshing, an everyday look at how anxiety played out for her.”

It wasn’t until then that I realized anxiety played a much bigger role in my life than I had ever realized. I was able to finally start recognizing and labeling things in my life as signs of high functioning anxiety. From there I was finally able to do more than just cope with anxiety, I was able to face it.

In my work as an anxiety coach, I’ve found that the first step to overcoming high functioning anxiety is to understand that it’s not the same as regular ol’ anxiety and realizing that anxiety has a big impact, despite that you’re not experiencing classic symptoms of generalized anxiety. 

What Does High Functioning Anxiety Feel Like?

One important thing that I’ve learned is that people with high functioning anxiety are high functioning; they may not always appear to be timid and worrisome like those with general anxiety. In fact, on the surface, those with high functioning may seem calm and collected. It’s what’s going on on the inside that is different. 

“They have high-level jobs; they get a lot done. They’re very able to multitask and be on top of things. These are the people that you count on to really go out and go forth and do it. 

But the thing that is happening is underneath all of those high functioning skills is a white-knuckling approach — a toughing it out, holding on for dear life. But you look one thing, and you’re feeling another. And that is a big part of what high functioning anxiety does.”

When I started to notice the reoccurring signs and symptoms of high functioning anxiety in myself, it helped me come to realizations about what it feels like to have this kind of anxiety. 

It’s commonly overlooked and I had even been to an anxiety specialist for years! Getting therapy for anxiety always made a difference in my life but I was always too busy trying to cope with my anxiety rather than face it head on. 

On the surface, those dealing with high functioning anxiety may seem like very Type A people. They may be seen as the control freak, the overachiever, the busy bee. One common way people will describe themselves who have high functioning anxiety is they’re an “anxious overachiever.”

“And so that’s what happens with high functioning anxiety. You have coping skills to keep you from feeling your anxiety. And so it’s a double edge sword in that the coping skills can become over the top. And then when you remove the coping skills, you have all this anxiety, and you don’t know what to do with it.”

Dealing With High Functioning Anxiety

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been like me, coping with anxiety throughout the course of your life. When you finally realize what’s been going on you may be wondering how to get rid of your anxiety.

Often, people confuse high functioning anxiety with an acute amount of stress. That leads them to believe that they don’t need to be seeking help or taking action and that once the stress goes away, things will be better.

“And then the last assumption that I want to talk about is the idea that I don’t need to get help because it’s not that bad. This is just “life stress.” 

And I hear that all the time in my office. I’m just a little stressed. I’m just a little overwhelmed. It’s more than that, people.

I’m here to tell you if any of this is resonating with you, it’s more than just life stress. Not everyone in the world feels like this.”

I believe if you’re struggling with mental health, anxiety, or high functioning anxiety, you should consider consulting a mental health coach, anxiety coach, or other mental health professional.

If you’re wanting to dive deeper into the understanding of high functioning anxiety, listen to the full podcast. I have an in-depth conversation surrounding anxiety and coming to terms with your own thought process. 

Helpful Resources:

• My book: The Happier Approach

• Learn more about working with me through on-demand anxiety coaching!

• Book I recommend: First We Make The Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety by Sara Wilson

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Episode 089: Making the Beast Beautiful

Recently I read the book First, We Make the Beast Beautiful A New Journey Through Anxiety by Sarah Wilson. And I can't say enough good things about it. Today I explore 5 of Sarah's cruel ironies when it comes to living with anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety or know someone who does, I know you will be nodding your head in understanding as you listen.

+ Read the Transcript

Hey, gang. I am very excited to be back again here at the Happiness Hacks podcast to be sharing with you about this wonderful book that I have found. I found it back in May when I was on vacation. I absolutely devoured it. It is called "First, We Make the Beast Beautiful: A New Journey Through Anxiety." It was written by Sarah Wilson. On the book jacket, she says, "Learning to view anxiety as her finest teacher rather than the enemy," which I just absolutely adored. I gained so much from this book and just new ways of looking at anxiety. She did such an amazing job of really showing what it's like to live with anxiety, giving a new voice to anxiety. It just is an absolutely fantastic book.

If you deal with anxiety or think you may have anxiety or live with someone who has anxiety, I highly, highly recommend this book because she comes from a journalistic background. She does an excellent job of researching and giving a lot of different voices, along with her amazing voice that is just so heartfelt and so authentic in how she describes anxiety. It's not exactly a self-help book, even though she has some great techniques on how she, personally, gets through anxiety. It is just more of an exploration of what it's like to live with anxiety. I bought this book because I got it from the library, and I wanted to highlight so much that I ended up purchasing the book so I could actually highlight it, but every page is highlighted or dog-eared. It just has been well, well worn. It's been a long time since I've read a book this impactful.

The part of the book that I love the most is she has these different things called the cruel ironies of anxiety. She has them spread throughout the book. She has 16 of them. Today, I want to look at 5 of the 16 and talk to you about them in hopes that you will pick up this book. I'm not getting any money from this or anything from Sarah. I absolutely feel like this is a great resource.

The cruel irony, the first one I want to talk about, is actually on page 27 of the book. She said, "Anxiety is rewarded in our culture, so we often miss the diagnosis." She goes on to say that being high-strung and so busy is a badge of honor. I have talked about this before that saying how busy we are has become the new 'fine.' someone asked you how you're doing, answering, "Oh, I'm just so busy." So anxiety and that feeling of go, go, go and push, push, push, and the natural way of living that comes with anxiety is rewarded in our culture, so the behaviors that spring forth because we're anxious are valued, and so it's very hard to get diagnosed with anxiety. I have so many clients that come into me and say, "I didn't know that this wasn't normal. I didn't know that this was anxiety." I think that's true because it's so valued in our culture.

Something I struggled with while reading this book was owning the label of anxiety. It's a word that gets tossed around a lot: "I'm anxious, or I have anxiety," but we don't want to have a label, a diagnosis. There's a lot of stigma with that. A lot of life coaches will say, "I won't diagnose you." One of the negatives of the mental health professional is that they diagnose you. But the part that I loved about this book, and it reframed it for me, was when you know that you have anxiety when you have that label, then you can start making the beast beautiful. It's back to that belief that if you acknowledge what's happening in your life, then you can start building coping mechanisms around living with it.

When we can say, "I struggle with anxiety, and it shows up in these ways in my life," then I can take anxiety and view it as something that's not holding me back but something that I'm learning how to carry and live with. So I think that there is a power in being able to label it and own it and acknowledge it instead of just pretending it doesn't exist and not wanting to buy into the stigma of anxiety. Anxiety is a very real thing, and it is crippling, and so being able to start learning and owning that label, I think, is powerful. Because as Sarah says in the book, it takes 9 to 12 years for people to get the diagnosis of anxiety. The relief that my clients feel when they're like, "Oh, this isn't normal. This isn't just a way of being. There is something going on in my life that's different from other people," that's where owning your anxiety is a very powerful thing.

The next cruel irony she talks about is on page 28. "We suck it up when we feel anxious, and soldier on until we tip off the edge and anxiety turns pathological and even medical." This goes back to what I was just talking about: the idea that we end up blaming ourselves. We blame our poor coping mechanisms well before we blame anxiety. We turn the feelings of anxiety on ourselves, and we blame ourselves, which is why I say for those of us with anxiety, our mongers tend to be very, very loud because our mongers are telling us to suck it up and soldier on and keep going. Our mongers aren't telling us to take care of ourselves and, "Oh, that might be anxiety." That might not be a normal way of looking at the world. We might have a lens that we view the world, but it is more hopped up than most.

So the idea of the happier approach and learning how to quiet those mongers goes hand in hand with this. I wrote the "Happier Approach" for those of us who have excessive anxiety because our mongers tend to be very, very loud. The longer we go without really dealing with our anxiety, the worse it's going to get, as with anything. The longer we leave diabetes or cancer, anything untreated, the worse it's going to get. That's why it's so important to start exploring anxiety and exploring the idea that maybe I don't need to live this way.

The next cruel irony I want to talk about is on page 31. She says, "The more anxious we are, the more high-functioning we will make ourselves appear, which just encourages the world to lean on us more." I mean, can I get an Amen from that one? That is huge. In reality, the more anxious we are, the more we would love for someone to come and take a bit of the load, but we keep sucking it up and soldiering on, is what Sarah Wilson says. I totally agree with that. I see that in my life all the time. I see that in my clients' life. I wrote about that in the "Happier Approach." One of the ways we know our mongers are in charge is the idea of, "I got this." We just say to ourselves, "I got this. I got this. I don't need to ask for help. I can take care of everything. I totally got it."

That mentality of let me keep piling more stuff on my plate is because of anxiety. The more anxious we are, the more high-functioning we become, I should say, the more high-functioning we appear, and so people continue to lean on us because we appear like we have it all together. When in reality, we are just awesome at making ourselves appear high-functioning. When inside, we're just crumbling. That is why I talk so much about the idea of building loyalty within yourself because we're good at being loyal to the people around us. We're good at leaning in and helping them and appearing high-functioning to the detriment of ourselves. The reason we can do that is because the anxiety becomes less because we're focused externally on getting all this stuff done, but in reality, we are spinning out. We're uncomfortable. We're pushing ourselves way too hard. We're getting ready to hit that place where we're just totally exhausted. That is such a cruel irony that we appear more high-functioning, so people lean on us more. When in reality, we need the help of people.

The fourth one I'm going to talk about was on page 121. She says, "We rush to escape what makes us anxious, which makes us anxious, and so we rush some more." We're worried about the future and finding a better life, so we rush ahead, constantly thinking, striving, trying to figure out what does a better life looks like, which only serves us to make us more anxious. So we push and push and push, thinking, "Oh, I just got to check off these things off the to-do list," or "Once I finish this, it'll be okay," and we're pushing and pushing and pushing and becoming more and more and more anxious.

I notice this in my own life when I start going into hyper-pushing, and I'm rushing ahead and not wanting to slow down because I'm pushing so hard. That is when I know I need to practice ASK, which is the acronym for acknowledging what you're feeling, slow down and get into your body, and kindly pull back to see the big picture. Because when you're an anxious person, the last thing you want to do is stop and take a breath, do some meditation, whatever that may look like. The last thing an anxious person wants to do is stop moving, stop working towards that end goal. But it is one of the best things an anxious person can do is to stop moving. That's why I love the idea of the happiness hacks because 10 to 20 seconds of getting in your body and taking a breath or moving your hands or wiggling your body or doing a dance in your office, something that allows you to pull out of that rush, rush, rush, push, push, push that anxiety puts on us.

Then the last one I want to talk about is on page 225 in the book, "I convince myself that controlling my life and aiming for perfection will cocoon me from anxiety, but it only causes more of the dreaded thing." That is another one. Can I get an Amen? We decide, "Oh, I'm going to just aim for perfection. I'm going to aim for doing it right. Once I can do that, then I won't feel so anxious. I'll feed protected." So we're aiming for this thing that is impossible in a way to cocoon ourselves from anxiety, when in fact, it causes more anxiety to be pushing and pushing and pushing for perfection. Again, ironic, catch-22, it's a double bind. It keeps us stuck in indecision. It keeps us stuck in spinning from thing to thing. It keeps us just stuck from moving forward because we just keep assuming that if we can get it right and do it perfectly, everything will be okay. So we get stuck in research. We get stuck in asking people and looking outside of ourselves for information, all with an aim to do it perfectly so we won't have anxiety.

Again, I talk about this in the "Happier Approach." This is why I love the concept of ASK because it allows us to acknowledge what's really going on in our lives and to look, is this a search for perfection? For those of us with anxiety, falling into perfection and the aim for perfection is almost like breathing. It just is such an easy default pattern to fall into. So I have been working on this in my life and with my clients that the minute that you start noticing perfection and the aim for that to be able to pull yourself back and recognize that isn't going to happen. I'm in the midst of anxiety. What can I do to take care of this? What am I feeling? How can I slow down and get into my body? And how do I pull back and see the big picture? So all of those things come in to play when we are living in anxiety.

Those are the 5 cruel ironies, 5 of the 16 that Sarah talks about in her book. I might come back around in a couple of episodes from now and talk about some more of them because I, as I said, love this book and found it very powerful. In the meantime, I highly encourage you to go out and buy the book or get it from the library.

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Episode 026: Stop Obsessing. You Always Have a Choice

Getting stuck in 'shoulds' keeps us obsessing about what is the 'right thing' to do. How to let go of the incessant thinking.

+ Read the Transcript

In my office, there's been a theme around obsessing, spinning out, and getting stuck. One of the top ways that we get stuck in obsessing is trying to find the right answer. So we get stuck in shoulds: you should do this, you should do that; this is how it should go. And so, something that's helped me stop obsessing is first noticing when I'm obsessing. We get stuck in that pattern, and we have a hard time coming out of it. So noticing when we're obsessing and then paying attention to why we are obsessing. Obsessing comes from a rigidity, like I said, of having a black or white answer. It's right or wrong.

And so, an easy, simple example is the debate to get up early and work out or not to get up early and work out. And there's a lot of rigidity in that debate. A good person gets up and works out, and a bad person doesn't. Allowing ourselves a little wiggle room around that is helpful.

And so we can decide maybe I don't want to get up and work out in the morning, or maybe I don't want to, work out in the evening and working out in the morning is better for me or just to give ourselves some wiggle room is one great way to stop that obsessing.

But let's say we decide the best plan for me is to work out in the morning. And so I'm going to work out, three times a week, every morning, I'm going to get up early and do it. And for whatever reason, you wake up on a Wednesday, or the alarm goes off, and you just don't want to get up and work out. You're tired, you went to bed late, and it's been a tough week.

And so you hit the alarm clock, snooze button, and then you lay there, and you start obsessing. "I should get up a good person gets up. I should get up a good person gets up. I'm so lazy. I can't believe I'm lying here." And then the other part of your brain starts chiming in. "No, it's fine. You've had a tough week. It's okay. Give yourself a break. It's okay."

And this goes back and forth. This little war in our heads goes back and forth. And before you know it, it's time for you to get up. So you've missed your workout time, and you've missed any quality sleep that you could have gotten if you would just made a decision.

And that's the danger of obsessing. We get stuck in one way or the other in black and white thinking. And so one way to help stop that obsessing first, like I said, as soon as you're obsessing, so you're laying in bed and you're like, okay, this isn't getting me anywhere. I'm not doing A. or B. I'm just stuck here.

I'm stuck in this obsessing place. If you decide you're going to sleep in, then sleep in wholeheartedly. Commit a hundred percent to sleeping in. If you decide, Nope, I'm going to get up, and I'm going to do a workout. Even if it's just 15 minutes, I'm going to do something, then get up and do a workout, even if it's just 15 minutes.

But the power of recognizing I'm just going to make a choice here. And commit to that choice will stop the obsessing. So the workout example is an easy one. A harder example would be: there's a conflict at work, and there's someone you need to have a tough conversation with, and you're dreading doing that.

And so you're obsessed about it. I should do this. A good person does this. I should have this conversation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you start obsessing. So catch yourself obsessing and then ask yourself, What are some creative ways to solve this? What are the choices I have here? There are a lot of ways to have the conversation.

There's a lot of timing around the conversation. Maybe it's not a good time to have the conversation right now. Maybe it's better to wait until a later time. It's fair to give yourself some room to brainstorm. Where is it? And when is it, and how do I want to have this conversation?

And then to give yourself a lot of room and compassion around the fact that this is a tough situation and any choice you make will be challenging. Because you're getting ready to confront someone, anytime you're going to do something hard, give yourself some compassion around making the choice.

And then the last thing is, listen to your gut. What's the choice you want to make? And maybe that choice is, right now isn't a good time to have this confrontation, and I'm going to wait. And it's not because I'm avoiding or being passive-aggressive. It just does not make sense to do this. Or maybe you're like, I've been putting this off for way too long. I just need to step up and do it.

But that full engagement, that full intention of I'm going to stop obsessing, and I'm going to make a choice here. That's how we do it. And it involves awareness that we're obsessing. Getting creative and making some real choices here of my options, giving yourself some intention around how do I want to do this? And then pouring on that compassion to really give yourself some room around that this stuff is hard.

So I know when I get stuck in obsessing, finding the right way, and spinning off on black and white, the key component there for me is compassion. When I can give myself some compassion and notice, whoa, you are stuck in black and white thinking here. What's going on here?

Then I can start pulling apart the knot and recognizing there's way more here than just the black and white should or shouldn't; there's a lot of options. And then I can start being intentional about how I want to do it. What's the choice that's best for me. So maybe working out doesn't happen for me three days a week, militantly, maybe one week I do it five days a week. And the next week I do it two days a week or not at all because there's room to breathe there. I have choices because there's more to me than just a robot who gets up at 6:00 AM every morning and works out. There's stuff that happens. And I get home later. I have to go to work early, or something happens.

But the obsessing is doing no good for anyone. It is not helping us at all. So the more we can start building awareness around the obsessing and the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and getting stuck in our to-do list in that go go go mentality.

Often, we're doing that because we're afraid we're going to do it wrong. And so giving ourselves compassion around the fact that this is hard and that's okay, and I'm going to keep struggling, and I'm going to keep doing it.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Give Voice To Your Inner Critic

Something people frequently ask me is how do I deal with my inner critic? One of my favorite ways is to give it a voice. So when I am in the car, or somewhere alone I will talk to myself out loud from the voice of my inner critic. I confess that voice is usually pretty nasty, but hearing it out loud makes me realize how nasty it is and allows me to give myself compassion much more quickly. We get so use to our inner critic talking to us in our heads that we rarely notice it. So by saying the words out loud, we hear them in a whole new way.

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