A Day In the Life of Self-Loyalty

Frequently I get asked what the benefit of having self-loyalty is. So I decided to walk you through the lives of 2 different women: Doubting Donna, who doesn't trust herself and allows her Monger and shoulds to take over. And Self Loyal Samantha, who doesn't always get it perfect but actively works to tune into what she needs and take care of herself.

 Doubting Donna:

Donna stresses the whole way to work, anxiety running through her brain, and her litany of to-dos take over. As she walks into work, her anxiety is at a fever pitch. The new young receptionist greets her. Immediately Donna doubts her clothing and can feel every bit of her 41 years. Her Monger takes over, and by the time she sits down at her computer, she feels about 2 inches tall.

Self Loyal Samantha:

She gets into the car, and as she flips on the radio, she starts listing off her to-do list. Before she can get too far, she recognizes the pattern of 'hopping herself up' with her to-do list. She takes three deep breathes, brings herself back into the car, flips on the radio, and starts singing along to one of her favorite songs. As she walks into work, the new young receptionist greets her. She starts to doubt her clothing and feels every one of her 41 years. Her Monger chimes in, and before it can nag her too much, Samantha quietly says to herself, "I may not look 20 anymore, but I have wisdom from my 41 years, not listening today, Ms. Monger". As she sits down at her computer, she is focused and ready to start the day.

Doubting Donna:

By noon, Donna is ready for a break. She has fielded several irate customer phone calls and is looking forward to eating her lunch outside alone. She has decided to start eating healthy and has packed her lunch with some of her favorite foods. Justin, her annoying co-worker, pops his head in and says the group is headed to the local pub for lunch. Donna knows she won't get good healthy food at the pub and will be drained after spending lunch with co-workers. However, Donna can't imagine missing out—what will they think of her if she doesn't go? They will think she is a wet blanket and a loner, so Donna puts a fake smile on her face and says, "I would love to go, thanks for asking" By 2 pm, Donna is full of fatty, fried foods and exhausted.

Self Loyal Samantha:

Samantha is looking forward to lunch. Her morning has been spent dealing with angry customer phone calls, and she is looking forward to eating her lunch outside alone. She has decided to start eating healthy and has packed her lunch with some of her favorite foods. Justin, her annoying co-worker, pops his head in and says the group is headed to the local pub for lunch. Samantha debates it briefly, but she knows that she needs to take care of herself if she is going to be productive this afternoon. Going to lunch with her co-workers will completely drain her. So Samantha says, "Thanks so much for the invite, but I am going to pass. I brought my lunch." Justin pushes a little bit, applying the peer pressure he is so gifted at, but Samantha sticks to her needs and says no with a smile. By 2 pm, Samantha is feeling energized and productive.

Doubting Donna:

At 4:30, Donna's husband calls to see what she planned for dinner—he is craving Mexican. At this point, Donna is fried, she would love for her husband to cook dinner or for them to go out, but she feels guilty. He has had a tough day too, so why should she ask him to cook. Donna sucks it up once again and tells him Mexican sounds excellent. Donna realizes they don't have taco shells on the way home, so she will have to stop at the store. By the time she gets home Donna is tired and cranky. She is pissed off that her husband is so selfish and can't just make dinner. Why is everything on her!! They eat dinner in silence, and Donna spends the rest of the night pouting on the couch. Her husband has no idea what is wrong and finally gives up after several attempts at asking.

Self Loyal Samantha:

At 4:30, Samantha's husband calls to see what she planned for dinner—he is craving Mexican. Samantha says, "that sounds good, but I have had a tough day, and we don't have any taco shells. Can we just go out for Mexican?" Her husband says, "That sounds good, but we need to save some money, but if you run to the store for taco shells, I will make dinner." Samantha is bummed because she was looking forward to going out, but she knows her husband is right. She agrees and, on her way home, stops for taco shells and the ingredients for her special margaritas. Over margaritas and tacos, Samantha and her husband share about their day. Samantha admits she is tired and wants to spend the evening on the couch watching TV; her husband says he will watch one show, but then he wants to head upstairs and read his new book. They spend the rest of the evening regrouping and re-energizing in their unique ways.

Being loyal to yourself changes everything. When you have self-loyalty, you don't get caught up in what everyone else is thinking. You know your needs and are comfortable in speaking them. You can set healthy boundaries and lovingly show your Mongers to the door. Being loyal to yourself doesn't guarantee peace; it doesn't guarantee an anxiety-free existence. It does ensure that when anxiety and doubt show up, you will know lovingly and respectfully handle it. You will have resilience for dealing with the Mongers, insecurity, and doubt that can plague our lives.

Three Lies People With High Functioning Anxiety Tell Themselves: Part 1

Earlier this week, I decided we need a collective High Functioning Anxiety intervention :) Lately, I have noticed with myself and my clients there are lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of over-functioning---feel anxiety/shame---keep over functioning. We tell ourselves these lies with positive intent: get more done and avoid feeling anxious. But these lies are hurting us and keeping us from healing our anxiety.

1. I can break the time/space continuum.

I say this jokingly, but I hear it all the time (and have personally experienced it). We have a long to-do list. So long, there is absolutely no way we will complete everything on the list in one day. We won't even come close. And yet, we begin each day by telling ourselves we should complete everything on the list, and then at the end of the day, when we realize we didn't, our Monger steps in to tell us how terrible we are at time management. It isn't time management; it is our unrealistic expectations and our inability to see ourselves as humans, not machines.

2. I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

We can do it all. Because if we ask for help: a. Our Monger will beat us up for being weak and asking for help. b. And even if we ask for help, "they" won't do it the right anyway.

So better just do it ourselves. Even though our to-do list runneth over and anyone could see we cannot do it all alone, we swallow the lie that we can't ask for help.

3. One mistake means we are complete failures.

Forget to add an ingredient to a recipe; through the whole thing out. Make a mistake on a presentation at work; you are definitely getting fired. You didn't have time to play with our child one day; you are a TERRIBLE Mom, and your child is destined to be a screen zombie for the rest of their lives. We live in extremes, and we don't give ourselves any room for error.

These mistakes are intentionally tongue and cheek to bring out the extreme of them. However, when you start paying attention, you will see these lies come up over and over again.

Over the next few weeks, I will be diving deeper into each of these lies.

Here are some things to do when you start noticing your tendency to want to break the rules of time and space.

When you sit down to write your to-do list, create two lists. The master list of ALL the things and then the realistic list. The realistic list is all the things you can HUMANLY get done in a day. Honestly, editing this list will be challenging because the belief that we can do it all and that everything on the list is a top priority is strong.

As you are writing your list:

• Take a breath

• Do a full-body movement (wiggle, stretch, dance)

• Check-in with yourself. How are you feeling today, both physically and mentally? Believe it or not, there are days you will get more done than others because you feel more rested, or your head is more clear. Our Monger tells us how we feel physically and mentally doesn't matter because we are machines who can do it all. Which is another lie. Building self-loyalty means we check in with ourselves and give ourselves kindness, not just hammer ourselves into submission.

• Ask yourself how many hours do I have to devote to this list?

• Ask yourself again how many hours do I have to devote to this list? Because you might not have been realistic. I know I tell myself I have 6 hours when in reality, I only have 4 (remember eating, drinking water, moving my body, responding to the relationships in my life take time.)

• Write the realistic list based on your answers above. Keeping in mind how you are feeling physically and mentally and the hours in the day. I aim for 3-4 items on the list. You can always go back and add more things if you complete the items.

• Celebrate! When you check off all the things on your realistic list at the end of the day, take time to celebrate!! Too often, we move right on to the next item on the list without celebrating.

Listen, Learn, Make Corrections

Last week I wrote that listen, learn, make corrections is my new motto.

I heard that somewhere on social media and loved it. Not just in reference to what is happening in our larger world with the protests and the societal realizations around systemic racism, but in my day-to-day life.

Listen, learn, make corrections is what self-loyalty is all about.

If you have been around here for a while, you have heard me talk about self-loyalty. I believe building self-loyalty is the key to decreasing anxiety.

I love the term self-loyalty because most of my clients rank loyalty as a top value; loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouse, kids, friends, work, and the world in general.

They are the caregivers of their aging parents.

They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, fans, head-down-get-the-job-done workers.

They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces.

They ooze loyalty to everyone around them. They are strong, quiet, kind, get-the-job-done individuals.

The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough—the anxiety.

AND the paralysis due to the fear of doing it wrong.

When you are loyal to yourself, you are less afraid to speak up. You have less overthinking and analysis. You can see what is happening with the world, check in with your gut, and then make a sound decision.

Maybe the decision is to seek more support or more answers.

Maybe the decision is that you already know what to do and challenge yourself to move past the fear and confusion.

But with self-loyalty, the fear of getting it wrong or saying the wrong thing doesn’t paralyze you. Self-loyalty reminds you that you will be okay because your relationship with yourself is the only one you will be with forever. So we might as well be kind and generous with ourselves.

When we have self-loyalty, listen, learn, make corrections becomes second nature. Without it, the phrase becomes: react, get defensive, shut down.

So what does self-loyalty look like? How do you know if you have it?

Well, self-loyalty isn’t something you get, like a haircut; it is something you cultivate, like stronger biceps. It is an ongoing process, especially for those of us who have High Functioning Anxiety.

At the root of high functioning, anxiety is the belief that you are broken and unworthy, and so when you feel anxiety, you want to run away from yourself as quickly as possible in the hope of feeling better. You look outside yourself to gurus, family, culture, friends, and other resources to know the right way to move forward. This constant turning away from ourselves to look for the answer perpetuates the message that we can’t trust ourselves.

For example, looking at our larger world. I see the need and feel the call to make a systemic change regarding race relations in this country. And that feels HUGE and scary. My Monger comes in to say: “What if you do it wrong? What if you offend more people?? What if you are a racist?!”

If I don’t have self-loyalty, I might get stuck there spinning on about what to do but not ever taking action. Or I might start reading a bunch of books, listening to podcasts, and soaking myself in knowledge, so I can ensure that I don’t make a mistake. This option also leaves me in the inaction camp.

But what if I practice self-loyalty? This means I know I will do it wrong, I know I will say it wrong, I know I have a lot to learn, AND inaction is not an option. So I practice being kind to myself, reminding myself that I will mess up and that is not the end of the world. Being perfect is not the goal. The goal is engaging with the world, making changes where necessary, and doing it better.

I look inward, seeing where my biases show up (whether about race, social class, gender, or sexual orientation).

I read and listen to books and resources and question them instead of just assuming the writer/speaker knows the absolute right way.

I engage in conversations with friends and family about this topic.

I listen, learn, make corrections.

What if Your Sensitivity Was a Good Thing?

Last night I hit a wall. Again.

I admit I have hit the wall a few times during this pandemic, but last night was different. All of the feelings hit. The images of cars lined up for hours before the food banks even open, the articles about small businesses that probably won't survive, the stories of people losing loved ones and not being able to be with them as they take their last breaths. Suffering and pain seem like it is everywhere, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight: more unknowns, more cancellations, more suffering.

I share that not to be depressing but to counter what I have done for years. Honoring my sensitivity and acknowledging the reality of what we are living through. To stop pretending that everything is fine and that I can move past these icky, hard feelings if I just busy myself with life.

I now know there is no pushing down. There is no busy enough. Those feelings always come back.

Here's something very few people know: People with high functioning anxiety are sensitive. We feel a lot, but we hide it. We push it down and bury it deep inside, hoping we can busy it away with work and the to-do list. We appear to be perfectionists and all business, the responsible and always on top of it folks, not the sensitive folks. But here's our dirty little secret: We are sensitive.

I am so passionate about helping people with high functioning anxiety because I love their sensitivity, and I know that sensitivity is a gift that needs to be shared with the world.

Yes, we appear strong, together, and unphased, but inside, we think of all the people suffering and how we can help them. You might be outwardly putzing with the kids' homework and figuring out dinner, but internally you are thinking: What if I get COVID? Or worse, what if one of my kids gets COVID? You might be externally obsessing about what game you should play for game night while internally grieving for the friend who lost her Dad but can't have a funeral.

We care a lot. We care so much that it is overwhelming.

We were sent messages that being sensitive is not appropriate and feelings are not okay throughout our lives. We might have been shamed and belittled for being sensitive and feeling deeply, so we learned to hide those feelings, to attempt to stuff them down and pretend they don't exist. We learned to show our caring by doing. Doing more. Doing better.

But what happens when you can't do enough?

When you can't fix it?

When no one knows the right way?

When the sadness and suffering are overwhelming?

Well, all you are left with is your feelings.

Think of feelings like a beach ball in the ocean. Like our feelings, the ball bounces along the top of the ocean. Always there, constantly bouncing. We were taught that you can't leave the ball out there in the open, that it needs to be hidden. We were told that bouncing balls are not appropriate; they are just a distraction. So we try to pull the ball underwater and hold it down. We can do that for a minute or two, but then—poof!—the ball always forces its way up.

That is what our feelings do. They usually come out as anger (yelling at our kids for being too loud), frustration (nit-picking at a co-worker), or shame (hello, Monger! She has been particularly mean these days).

Here is my reminder to you:

• It is okay to be sensitive.

• It is okay to feel deeply about all that is happening. 

• It is okay to cry.

• It is okay to feel helpless and filled with grief. 

That doesn't mean you are negative or too much, or overly dramatic. It means you are a human living through scary, uncertain times. It means you are kind and generous and feel.

You are so good at doing, caring, and being on top of things because you are sensitive to the world.

This brings me back to my tears last night. The dam finally broke. Allowing myself to cry, to feel helpless and sad was healing. Counter to everything my Monger was telling me, I could let go of the beach ball and just let it bob there. Try it.

Give yourself a break. We can't fix this. We can't make it okay for our friends, family, and loved ones. But we can be present. We can slow down. We can give back. We can be honest with ourselves and our loved ones. Speak our needs, listen to their experience, and share what we are experiencing, as well. We can show up for ourselves and be kind.

A Letter from Your Biggest Fan

A few months ago, when I would ask clients or friends, "How are you doing?" the answer would be some version of "You know, as good as can be expected." or "Hanging in there." But these days, when I ask that question, the response is something like, "Ugh, I am done. So overwhelmed, exhausted, and just done." I know I have hit the wall a couple of times and Covid combined with the gray days of January here in the northern hemisphere—we are all digging deep.

The high functioning anxiety coping mechanisms of "I got this" and push push push are getting harder and harder to do. So today I wanted to offer a letter from your Biggest Fan.

Your Biggest Fan is that quiet voice inside of you. She is the voice of self-loyalty. The wise, kind voice of grace and understanding, reminding you that you aren't broken.

Dear Sweet Pea -

Wow. You have hit the wall, huh? Understandable. I see you hustling, pushing, and trying to out-run your anxiety. You push push push all day, soothing everyone else's needs, being the responsible one, the adult in the room.

But sometimes, that gets old. Sometimes you want someone else to pick up the "responsibility baton," right? (But let's be honest, only if they follow all your rules and do it exactly right. Ha!)

Let's slow down for one second. Yes, I know you DO NOT want to. I know you are afraid to stop moving. But give me one second, and let's slow down. I promise it won't be as scary as you think.

Go to the bathroom. Shut the door. Take a breath. A big breath. Inhale. Exhale. Stretch your hands up to the sky. (Go ahead, I promise it will feel good!) Now bend over and touch your toes. Stretch your neck and feel your shoulders loosen. Inhale. Exhale.

Now, look at yourself in the mirror. Really see yourself, make eye contact with yourself. Too often, you are so busy you look right past yourself. Place your hands over your heart take another deep breath.

Sweet pea. These are scary times. There are a lot of unknowns. AND you can't keep pushing without giving yourself some kindness. It just isn't sustainable.

I get it. It feels good. It feels like you are doing something which is better than the alternative, feeling all of that anxiety.

But here's the secret I know you don't quite believe yet: You can handle this and be kind to yourself.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One second at a time. We can make our way through.

Berating yourself doesn't help. It is just where you go when the stress gets too much. By the time you finally hear that Monger voice, she has probably been talking most of the day. Telling you that you are doing it wrong, your boss is mad at you, or you are a terrible Mom for losing patience with your kids. Tell her we aren't going there and then put your hands over your heart, feel your feet on the ground, take a deep breath, and say, "Hey sweetpea," and I will be there with a calm, kind voice asking you what's the next thing you need.

Just in case you missed it, notice I didn't say 'what's the next thing you need to do.' I said NEED. Period. What's the next thing you need? Maybe it is checking something off the to-do list, but maybe it is a glass of water to take a walk, get a hug, sit down, watch Netflix or reach out to a friend.

You don't have to constantly be doing.

You don't have to know all of the answers.

You don't have to be the responsible one.

Hands over your heart, feel your feet on the ground, take a deep breath,

You got this.

Always here with kindness and wisdom,

Your Biggest Fan

When Anxiety Is Your First Response

WOW. What a crazy, scary week it has been!

It is a perfect storm for those of us with anxiety:

• Lots of unknowns

• Unable to control just about anything

• Inability to know the "right" answer

• Just plain fear.

All of these factors are our current reality and can send our anxiety through the roof.

Understandably, we are anxious. These are anxious times. We have never experienced a pandemic: a shutdown of our schools, communities, and entertainment.

So today, I want to remind all of us (me included) a few things:

Be kind to yourself. Your Monger will want to run the show, telling you that you should be doing it differently, you should be feeling differently, reacting differently, planning differently. Your Monger will have LOTS of messages.

So make a point of calling in your Biggest Fan:

Acknowledge your fear and disappointment. It is understandable if you are disappointed. Vacations are being canceled, our kid's sports competitions are postponed, and we have a lot more responsibility thrust upon us. You will be disappointed, but that does not mean you are a bad person or selfish—it means you are human!

Slow yourself down. Get into your body, stretch and wiggle, have a dance party in your kitchen. The temptation is to stay in reaction mode all of the time. Watching TV non-stop to stay aware of the news and latest developments. Yes, stay aware, but 24/7 is just not necessary. We get so caught up in our heads with problem-solving and list-making, we forget that we have a body. Remember to take a beat, feel your body, remember you are imperfect and can't possibly know everything.

And then react.

Make plans, make your lists, gather your information.

Resist the temptation to scroll through social media non-stop.

There is only so much information we can take in.

It is hard to have so much stress and unknown going on around us, yet because our schedules have been canceled, there is not much to do. Embracing that fact is hard. So relax and settle yourself as best as possible. Watch movies, hang with your kids, play games, do something you have been really wanting to do, laugh, talk, listen, sleep. Watch movies, hang with your kids, play games, laugh, talk, listen, sleep.

Check-in with your loved ones. Ask for help if you need it. With all of us hunkering down, it is easy to isolate, but we can reach out using technology and check on our loved ones. Remember, you can always ask for help with kids, grocery store runs, or when our anxiety gets too much, and we need to vent.

Listen to your internal wisdom. If you think canceling plans would be best, cancel plans. Others might say you are over-reacting or being paranoid, but you are allowed to react differently. There is no right answer. There is no perfect way to handle this situation. We are all doing our best in the face of unknowns.

Anxiety is understandably the first response, but it doesn't have to be the only response.

We got this. Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

High Functioning Anxiety Vs. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

One of the keys to understanding how to deal with high functioning anxiety is understanding how it’s different from generalized anxiety or what most people think of as “regular” anxiety. 

How you can treat high functioning anxiety and deal with it in your day-to-day life can be very different from someone who has more traditional anxiety symptoms.

If you’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but it doesn’t feel quite right to you because you don’t have some of the classic symptoms, you may have high functioning anxiety. 

While it’s a type of anxiety, knowing the specifics of what high functioning anxiety is may resonate with you more and help you get more effective treatment for your high functioning anxiety.

Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder & High Functioning Anxiety

How is high functioning anxiety different from plain old mental health anxiety? This is where the confusion tends to start. The symptoms of anxiety don’t actually differ from high functioning anxiety. Officially, you can get diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder by an anxiety specialist, which has the following symptoms.

• Feeling nervous, irritable, or on edge

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic, or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation), sweating, and/or trembling

• Feeling weak or tired

• Difficulty concentrating

• Having trouble sleeping

• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems

You can still experience these symptoms with high functioning anxiety but your response to these symptoms is often very different. How you cope with anxiety is what separates high functioning anxiety from general anxiety—and this is where most people get tripped up about dealing with their anxiety if they’re high functioning.

The signs of high functioning anxiety can help you better pinpoint that your response to anxiety is different than for GAD. If you’ve felt like your anxiety diagnosis wasn’t right, it may be because of the differences in response to symptoms between these two types of anxiety.

Coping with Generalized Anxiety Disorder Versus High Functioning Anxiety

The response to general anxiety is usually living in a constant state of fight or flight, whereas for those with high functioning anxiety, their response 99% of the time is to fight, meaning when they feel anxiety they tend to push harder and hustle more. 

People who do not have high functioning anxiety tend to engage in flight. In many cases, those with generalized anxiety disorder use coping behaviors focused on removing them from anxiety-causing situations:

• Withdraw from life and pull back from the areas that are increasing their anxiety

• Have breakdowns or mentally “shut down”

• Experience phobias to avoid sources of anxiety

• Use obsessive-compulsive behaviors to seek control

Because these are usually very obvious, people around them tend to notice and offer to help, which can help those with generalized anxiety get the help they need.

People with high functioning anxiety, however, deal with their anxiety very differently and often seek to control situations that cause anxiety. Instead of running from anxiety like those with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, they try to fight it by using these kinds of anxiety coping behaviors:

• Seek control by being high achieving

• Have black/white or right/wrong thought processes

• Fixated on milestones, achievements, and productivity

• Will do anything to not let others down

• Focused on routines, habits, and rigidity

• Insomnia, nervous ticks, and physical ailments showing up as flight response

Often we see these habits as good things, especially in the workplace, which can reinforce our anxiety responses. We often don’t see the issues someone with high anxiety is struggling with because they’re predominantly internal. As well, those with high functioning anxiety don’t want to let on that they’re struggling because that may symbolize a lack of control—and it can become an endless cycle.

Treating High Functioning Anxiety Is Different From Generalized Anxiety Disorder 

You don’t have to experience all of these high anxiety symptoms to have high functioning anxiety, just enough to recognize you don’t want to live with high functioning anxiety driving your life anymore. 

Two challenges of treating high functioning anxiety is the shame factor (the idea that you can’t let anyone see your anxiety) coupled with your desire to “do it right” and make everyone happy.

Often in traditional one-on-one coaching sessions with an anxiety coach, clients spend the majority of their session dancing across the surface of their lives or sharing with me how they were doing it right. It makes real change challenging, which is why I started using Voxer with my Coach in Your Pocket clients. 

Voxer is a voice messaging app that allows clients to check in with me in their own time rather than having to come to my office and sit across from me, where their desire to please may start running the show. As a mental health coach, I use Voxer to allow clients to be in the comfort of their own space and share what is really going on.

This type of working with clients is perfect for people with high functioning anxiety and how they are coping with stress and anxiety. It allows us to cut through so many of the coping mechanisms that block traditional therapy and make real genuine progress. 

The Temptation to Blow It All Up

Fear. It is a common theme when it comes to any type of change.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of just making a fool of yourself. 

Regardless of what the fear is, if we are contemplating a change, it is usually there. There is only one way to fight the fear (or the Monger), and that is by going through it. Unfortunately, going through the fear is hard! Fighting the fear involves intentionality, awareness, perseverance, and moving pebbles or even mountains.

Occasionally, I have clients who decide to bypass the Monger and just blow it all up. They "blow up" the parts of their lives that aren't working. Quit their job without a plan B, leave their spouse without explanation, or move to Denver with no notice.

From time to time, and for some people, this works. In fact, I quit a job with a very loose back-up plan in place. That being said, I didn't have a family to support and knew exactly how long the money in my savings would last. So although the decision appeared irrational, I had a plan, albeit a loose one, but it was a plan.

I am talking about the people who have no plan, who have no clue of a plan B, no regard for their values or priorities, or their family or loved ones hurting by their actions. My theory is that when you get the urge to just blow it up without measuring the consequences or the pain, fear is in the way.

I once worked with a client who had a lot of fear around leaving her job. Security was vital to her, as was supporting her family. However, she would frequently talk about just walking into work, giving her two weeks' notice, and going back to school. When she talked about doing this, her face would light up, and she would get very excited—usually a sign to me that someone is on the right track. In fact, she was on the right track, but she was trying to take the long road around the Monger rather than go through the doubts, insecurities, and fears.

This long road could involve debt, not being able to afford her child's college education, keeping her husband from pursuing his dreams, and taking time away from her children as she went back to school. While none of those things are life-threatening, they were very much against her values of financial security (e.g., no debt) and family (e.g., her husband's dreams, spending time with her children). So when she started talking about blowing it all up, I became curious about her fears. It turns out the Monger was running rampant in her brain. She was full of self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety about going back to school.

The kicker is that even if she blew everything up and took the long road around the Monger and just quit her job and went back to school, she still has to face her fears at some point. She has to go through the Monger eventually. She has to deal with herself and face her doubts and fears about trying something new, going back to school, and risking her family's security. Because although her job is making her unhappy, it is her self-doubt and negative self-talk keeping her in that place. She has to learn how to deal with herself and make change within herself, facing the fear one step at a time.

Her fear isn't going anywhere; it will just be temporarily covered by the carnage of the "blow it all up" bomb. She will have to face all these doubts after causing her family thousands of dollars of debt and loss of valuable time, both things she highly values, OR she can face her fears one step at a time as she plans the best way to move forward. It isn't that quitting her job and going back to school is a bad idea.

The point is, there are two ways to go about her plan:

1. Blow it all up and deal with the pain and consequences later.

2. Make a plan for quitting her job and going back to school that fits with her values, priorities, and obligations.

I know when my clients get the temptation to blow it all up with no regard for the consequences, it means two things. 1. They are on the right path, and 2. We are in the midst of their Monger.

Change is not easy, and if there is one thing that gets the Monger active, it is when we are thinking about making a change. When we take one step at a time, face our doubts and fears, keep in mind our values and priorities, and make a plan, we can live happier.

There Doesn't Have to Be an End Goal

When was the last time you did something for fun? Not because it would get you closer to your bigger goal, or because it would help someone, or because it made practical sense? When was the last time you did something just because it brought you joy?

I have noticed a pattern with myself and my clients who have High Functioning Anxiety: we don't experience joy for the sake of joy. EVERYTHING we do has to be practical, responsible, and serving a higher good. It is exhausting.

Clients have shared that if they get up in the morning and journal or work out, they know they will feel better, yet they don't do it. Not because they are lazy (although that is what they tell themselves) but because there are other more practical things to do in the morning: make breakfast for the kids, catch up on work, or even sleep. Waking up and journaling is something they have to choose to do mindfully, and it is only for them. It isn't for anyone else.

Another friend of mine shared that she loves painting. She has no formal training or experience, but it brings her such joy when she has taken a painting class. When I asked if she ever paints at home, she replied, "No. I would have to spend money on the supplies, and who has the time?" But if her daughter or her partner said they loved painting, you better believe she would move heaven and earth to allow them to paint.

This problem isn't just that people with HFA don't appreciate joy. In fact, I would argue most of my clients want to experience more joy!

The problem (as with most problems) is more complicated and nuanced than that. It is a multi-tiered problem.

Here are some of the reasons I have found:

Practicality: When we are impractical, our anxiety goes sky high. Doing an activity solely because it brings us joy will be counter to every message we have ever received. Being practical is a finely tuned coping strategy we have used to keep our anxiety at bay.

Permission: We rarely come first. Again, because if we put ourselves first, our anxiety goes sky high. By focusing outside of ourselves, we can keep our anxiety at bay.

Perfectionism: Doing something for the sake of doing something is anxiety-provoking because how will we know when we have done it right? When will we know to celebrate? Something as arbitrary as doing it because I want to doesn't give any guidelines for winning or losing!

So what do you do about it? How do you change your coping strategies when they have worked so well?!!?

Self-Loyalty: The crux of ALL my work is building loyalty with yourself. Giving yourself permission, getting to know yourself beyond the to-do list, trusting that voice inside of you that says "this might be fun." Make a commitment to yourself—the same as you would a friend or family member. You wouldn't break a commitment to your best friend, so why would you break a commitment to yourself?

Kindness: As you start trying to add more joy to your life, your Monger will get louder. As I said above, it goes against all you have taught yourself. That's okay. Be kind. You can say to yourself, "Well, hello there, anxiety. I thought you might pop up. Yep, I am painting, and I have no end goal. Just to enjoy myself, so move along, please." Years ago, someone suggested that I physically "walk the Monger" to the door and shut the door behind me as a way to symbolize I am not listening to this today. Try it! It sounds crazy, but it really works!

Practice: Start small. Make a commitment to yourself to do something that brings you joy for five minutes and gradually build up to 10, 20, 45, etc.

The first step is noticing the pattern. 

Notice how rarely you do something just for fun and slowly change that pattern.

Cookies, Plants, and Shoulds

People dealing with high functioning anxiety perceive the world as a continuous flow of deadlines to be met. As a result, there is a constant need to evaluate and re-evaluate, plan, check and re-check. Over and over.

Analyzing what happened that day and how well you did (or didn't do) and looking toward the future to worry about what is coming up. The irony? No matter how much you plan, worry, or analyze, you are still constantly failing. Your Monger will make sure of that by continually pushing the line of success so you never quite make it.

High Functioning Anxiety is rooted in shame and the feeling of unworthiness. People with HFA believe we are not worthy at our core, and we don't want anyone else to find out. This core belief leads us to hustle, push, worry, and try to control everything around us. We believe if we can "do it right" and "follow the rules," we can protect ourselves from the inevitable failure and criticism that we deserve.

The irony is that while we can't protect ourselves from other people's judgment, we can control ourselves from our own judgment.

Let's say you are a fantastic baker. You make a mean chocolate chip cookie. If someone were to criticize your cookie baking, you might feel a tinge of doubt, but rather quickly, your Biggest Fan would step in to say, "Hmm, I wonder if their feedback has any validity?" Because you are so confident in your cookie baking, you can hear the criticism, take it or leave it, and move on.

So what is the difference between cookie baking and every other area of your life? You feel confident in your cookie baking; you KNOW you are a good cookie baker.

So now, let's take another example. You are a terrible gardener. When anyone gives you a plant, it is dead within a week. When someone criticizes you about your gardening, you can laugh it off because you KNOW you aren't skilled at gardening, and you are okay with that.

Here we have two examples: one where you are absolutely amazing and one where you are terrible. And neither one of them are areas where you put a lot of stock in your Monger. You KNOW where you stand. You have a strong loyalty to yourself in those two areas.

One more example. Let's say you hate presenting. When you are called upon to present anything, you immediately freak out because your Monger is so loud. She tells you how terrible you, how THEY (the terrifying THEY) are going to figure out you are a loser who is unworthy of your job. You start spinning out, losing sleep, and dreading going to work, all because of a presentation. What is the difference between this example and the previous two? Why can't you ignore your Monger like you can with the others?

One word. Should. SHOULD gets in the way of KNOWING. In the first two examples, you are comfortable with your success and limitations, but you get caught up in the should in the third example.

You SHOULD be a better speaker. You SHOULD be able to speak without getting stressed. You SHOULD be confident and excited to speak. That SHOULD word gets in the way of your self-loyalty.

Instead, what if the next time you notice your Monger talking and sharing how THEY are going to find out you hate speaking, you say to yourself, "I do hate speaking. I don't feel confident about it. They might figure out that I am a terrible speaker." From that place of honesty, you can ask for help, reach out to people who know more than you and stop pretending.

Because HFA is rooted in feeling unworthy, we feel we need to protect the world from our failures. Never let them see you sweat takes on a whole new meaning. We need to be experts at EVERYTHING. We need to be responsible, practical, and accountable. We can't possibly admit weakness.

Admitting weakness is the key. Because then we can ask for help, get advice, make a change, or decide not to engage in that activity. Owning who we are, warts and all. There is so much power in that.

You Don't Have to Enter the Hospital to Rest

I have been reading the book Achiever Fever by Claire Booth; she is one of my first interviews for the new podcast The Happier Approach (releasing the first week of September!) In the book, she talks about feeling so tired and overwhelmed. To the point where she was secretly wishing she would get into a car accident and be forced to stay in the hospital for a few days (no significant injuries to her or the car) just for the chance to sleep, rest and stop moving. I could relate to this story and even shared it with a couple of clients who also agreed. We were all embarrassed to admit it was true and found comfort that we weren't alone in our wish. 

This story sounds crazy, but in reality, for those who are longing for forced rest, what we are seeking is permission to rest. We want that permission so badly. We can't give it to ourselves, so we wish for harm to come to us so that we can check out of life for a while rather than risk disappointing people or letting people know we 'can't handle everything.' It sounds crazy when I type it, and yet I know I am not alone. 

We want permission: 

• to be ourselves,

• to stop the hustle,

• to rest,

• to be enough just as we are,

• to stop trying to do everything right,

• to just be

• to do whatever we want whenever we want.

And we convince ourselves that somewhere out there is the permission.

• When we achieve the right amount of success

• When we get married

• When we have kids

• When our kids enter school

• When our kids are grown

• When we love our job

• When we are older

• When we retire

• When we cross some imaginary made-up line.

On and on, the line keeps moving. That almighty line of permission keeps changing. The thing is, the only person who can give us permission is ourselves. I know you are thinking, "Duh Nancy, I KNOW that." Logically, we all know this fact. It isn't like that statement is a great ah-ha.

And yet, each day, we start on a quest to win permission. TO FINALLY BE ENOUGH so we can relax, stop hustling, and accept ourselves flaws and all.

Even though we logically KNOW we are the only ones who can give ourselves permission to stop hustling. We tend to blame everyone else and ourselves:

• If my Mom wasn't so needy.

• If my son didn't have special needs.

• If my husband did more around the house.

• If my boss just understood how much I have on my plate and how hard I am working.

• If only I weren't so lazy.

• If only I didn't make so many mistakes.

• If only I didn't need to go to bed so early.

So here's the secret. Here's how you can stop the hustle, stop the blame, and quiet that Monger. 

Accept where you are. Accept that you are tired, overwhelmed, and can't do it all. Own that your plate is overflowing (for a variety of reasons).

Stop looking at the WHY and start looking at the WHAT.

The question isn't WHY can't I give myself permission?

The question is, WHAT do I need to accept about myself so I can quit seeking permission?

Start with acceptance—noticing when you are feeling overwhelmed and giving yourself some extra love. Telling yourself, "This is hard. We have way too much on our schedule today, lots of deep breaths, we can get through this." And then gradually, you can say, "What do I need to take off of the schedule so I can rest more? What is really important here?"

Mental Health is about Acceptance

Last week was World Mental Health Week. A week to raise awareness about the stigma attached to mental health. In that spirit, I wanted to share my stigma with you and my journey to overcome it. Not surprisingly, as with all types of stigma, our stigma about mental health is wrapped up in our own stories and beliefs.

For many years, I believed the goal of having good mental health was to feel good. To feel positive. It is a well-intentioned belief summed up in the statement that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. In my practice and my life, I helped people feel better and live happier. I was all about the positive psychology movement, changing your thoughts, thinking positively, and feeling better. However, looking back, I can honestly say it never quite worked. Yes, I felt better. Yes, my clients were living happier. But inevitably, we would hit a wall where the techniques and philosophy were lacking. I always felt like something was missing.

And then my Dad died, and I was brought to my knees. ALL of the strategies I had learned stopped working. I couldn't think positively. I couldn't change my thoughts and feel better. I realized that I had to FEEL. I had to deal with what was going on. The philosophy guiding me both professionally and personally had one critical flaw it never allowed me to accept myself for who I was. I spent all my time running from the bad stuff, couching it in 'thinking positive' and 'being grateful,' and I never realized I was running from myself.

The irony is that one of the tenets of the positive psychology movement that I had loved for so many years is the belief that you are not broken and that the traditional psychology movement tells us we are. Because traditional psychology is based on the medical model, it gives a diagnosis, and that diagnosis (e.g., anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.) marks us a broken. But what if it isn't the diagnosis that characterizes us as broken? What if it is our stigma around that diagnosis?

I realized this belief that 'you are not broken' is a lie and keeps us pushing, hustling, and running from what is really going on. Here's the hard liberating truth: we are broken. We have experiences that leave cracks, trauma, loss, grief, disappointment, fear, etc. AND sometimes, those experiences combined with our genetic and chemical make-up cause conditions such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar. Once I stopped running from my cracks and started looking at them square in the face, everything shifted. I didn't need to hustle or think differently. I needed to be honest to accept who I was, where I had come from, and the patterns I had built to move through this crazy experience of life. Good mental health is about acceptance.

So here's the confession. I have spent most of my professional life going about this wrong. Believing that I can help people by helping them set boundaries, speak needs and become better versions of themselves. But great mental health isn't about changing yourself; it is about accepting yourself and knowing yourself 100% and being kind to all of those traits, the depression, anxiety, despair, doubt, and fear, just like the Japanese art of Kintsugi where they fill broken pottery with bits of gold. Our cracks are a part of us.

Knowing I can drop the hustle, stop pushing, and pretending that those cracks don't exist feels like a great big exhale. Finally, I can be me. Those cracks are what make me a great wife, teacher, therapist, daughter, and a human being. Instead of helping clients change themselves, I help clients SEE themselves, and once they have that knowledge and acceptance, THEN personalized strategies and techniques work. But without the acceptance and kindness piece, real change just can't happen.

I see now that mental health doesn't come when we can create a full positive gratitude-filled life. Mental health comes when we can fully see our life as it cracks and then intentionally, kindly, and with discernment live it.

Who are you Loyal to?

One trait all my clients share is a strong sense of loyalty to others.

Loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world in general.

They are the caregivers of their aging parents.

Loyalty to others.

They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, fans, head-down-get-the-job-done workers.

Loyalty to others.

They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces.

Loyalty to others.

They ooze loyalty to everyone around them. They are strong, quiet, kind, get the job done individuals.

Loyalty to others.

The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough.

Their Monger runs the show. She is loud and proud, telling them all the ways they missed the target. All the ways they SHOULD have been more loyal, more kind, more giving.

It is ironic, here are some of the kindest, gentlest, giving people in the world, and yet they never quite feel kind, gentle, or giving enough.

Want to know why?

Loyalty to self.

They are so busy devoting themselves to make sure their family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for they bypass themselves.

They have been trained to care for everyone else but themselves. They have been sold the message that if everyone else is happy, THEY will be happy.

And when they reach their 40s and 50s, and their kids are older and need less care, and their parents are older and need more care, they see that there is no break. There is no 'time for me' coming down the line. And so they think. There has to be a different way because he 'take care of everyone else' kool-aid isn't working.

This is something I have struggled with personally. I love caring for people. I pride myself on my loyalty, I love being there for those closest to me, and I know it has come at a price. A price of exhaustion and stress. A constant feeling like I am on a hamster wheel just one rotation away from peace.

When we don't have a loyalty to ourselves, we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for direction. We check in with everyone else to the detriment of ourselves. We listen to the Monger message (lie) of 'take care of everyone else, and then you will have peace.'

This is why I love A.S.K. because it allows you to bypass the message of the Monger (the top pusher of the 'take care of everyone else' kool-aid.)

Acknowledging what you are feeling: This allows you to get in touch with YOUR feelings. We are highly tuned into the feelings of those around us, but we tend to dismiss our feelings (especially when they are negative. The practice of acknowledging: Hey, I am feeling angry today, or Hey, I am feeling disappointed today (without justifying or judging) allows you to build some trust with your feelings.

Slow Down and Get into Your Body: This allows you to feel your body and get out of your head even for just 10 seconds. It serves as a reminder that yes, you have a body, and it is sending messages all the time that you need to start listening to and being loyal to.

Kindly Pull Back and See the Big Picture: Allows you to start to ask..."Do I want to do this action?" "Is there someone else I can ask for help?" "Is there a way to solve this differently?"

When I first started practicing A.S.K., it was solely a way to quiet my Monger when she got too loud. But then, over time, I have realized practicing A.S.K. regularly is a way to build loyalty with myself. It is a practice that reminds me to check in with myself. So it works two ways one as a way to counter an acute Monger attack and two as a way to decrease chronic Monger attacks in the long term.

A.S.K. bypasses the default that you must be loyal to others first and allows you to start making room for yourself. And when you and the Biggest Fan are running the show, there is no room for the Monger.

Loyalty is awesome. I challenge you to add some self-loyalty into the mix and see how your life changes.

An Open Letter to Self Help Junkies

Hello My Dear,

My love. I know you. I can so relate to you—the hunger for more books, more articles, more resources that will tell you how to be better, kinder, gentler, happier. I know the joy from thinking that this resource, this tip, this idea will be the answer. I know the exhaustion that comes from always wanting to be better, to live the BIG DREAM, to figure it out, to KNOW yourself.

I know you believe if only you:

• had more gratitude

• did more meditation

• ate healthier

• worked out more

• journaled more

• Self-reflected more

• just read the right book,

• took the right class, you would figure it out, you would be ok.

Well, here's the truth. All that 'more' won't help. All the things listed above are strategies and suggestions. They aren't meant to pile on more 'shoulds' or 'if-onlys.' These exercises are there to relax us and get us back in touch with ourselves so we can make decisions about our lives from a place of wisdom and discernment. They are not there to make us feel like failures or losers.

The truth is, the answer isn't out there. The answer isn't from doing more, being better, or figuring it out.

The liberating truth is there is no answer. There is life—a messy, imperfect, glorious, joyful life. And the key to being happier in life? Show up for your life. Right now.

Not when you get it figured out. Not when you accomplish your BIG goal. Right now. In the job, that isn't your dream job. In the relationship, that isn't a Hallmark movie. In the friendships that aren't 100% perfect.

Remember, perfect doesn't exist. You are wonderful just the way you are: imperfect, flawed, questing, trying, and being you.

So today, I ask you to stop questing. Stop focusing on all the things you SHOULD be doing to be a better person. Today I ask you to Just Be You.

Show up for your life.

Be Kind.

Listen to your Biggest Fan.

Take Small Baby Steps.

Give yourself a break.

Love,

Nancy Jane Smith, A Recovering Self-Help Junkie

Meet Your Biggest Fan

For me, a game-changer in quieting the Monger is listening to the voice of my Biggest Fan.

We all have countless voices playing in our heads all day, but we have three voices for the most part. One of them is our Monger. It's constantly telling us how terrible we are and how much improvement we need, etc.

The other voice is our BFF's voice. That's usually the voice we're encouraged to channel when working on self-compassion or liking ourselves. We're encouraged to channel that loving, kind BFF voice. What I've found in my work is that sometimes the BFF's voice gets us in trouble in a different way. That voice tends to be an enabler, encouraging us to do whatever we want without shame or guilt, which is awesome but not always in our best interest.

That Biggest Fan voice is the voice in the middle there. It's kind and compassionate, has our best interest at heart, and wants us to keep moving forward. It's not the best friend voice because a lot of times, the BFF's voice can also be the same voice that's like, "Go ahead. Have that extra glass of wine. Go ahead. Have that extra cookie". It's the Biggest Fan voice that is the one saying, "Really, if we have another glass of wine, we're going to be hungover tomorrow, or you're just going to get silly if you have another glass of wine. Let's pay attention to what's best for us right now."

Our Biggest Fan has our back and wants us to do what's best for us. For those of us who have lived in the Monger's world, where the Monger is constantly hammering us so this channeling the Biggest Fan is really kind of a new idea. What would my Biggest Fan even say to me? How does this even work? What does that voice even sound like?

Here are some tips I have for channeling the Biggest Fan:

The best tip for channeling the Biggest Fan is to Pay attention. This sounds simple, but it isn't easy. Frequently these voices go unchecked. So pay attention to the dialogue in your head. Who has the most control? Your Monger or Your Biggest Fan. But paying attention is challenging

Black and White Thinking. Our Monger tend to live in a world of all or nothing. You are WRONG or RIGHT. When you notice yourself thinking this way, ask yourself, where is the gray here? Your Biggest Fan tends to see the gray in life. For example, you are exhausted, and yet you promised to make cookies for the bake sale. Your Monger will tell you that there is a right way and a wrong way. The right way is to make cookies from scratch, and the wrong way is to buy them from the store. A good person makes them from scratch. A bad person buys them from the grocery store. Your Biggest Fan will live in the gray. She will know there are other options, you can buy them from the store and add something to them (icing, decorations, etc.), or you can buy a box mix and make them that way or better yet, she will know that cookies do not show someone's worth as a person.

What would your Biggest Fan say? Post this message around your house. And at random times, ask yourself. What Would My Biggest Fan Say? You can start generating and strengthening that voice. We all have a Biggest Fan, but I think that voice just gets diminished for most of us.

Procrastinating tends to happen when we are stuck in the world of the Monger. Sometimes we procrastinate because our Monger tells us one thing, and our Biggest Fan tells us another, and we aren't yet strong enough/don't want to do what the Biggest Fan is telling us. When you are procrastinating, pull out a piece of paper and make two columns in one column, write what your Monger is telling you, and in the other column, write what your Biggest Fan is saying. Most of the time, when we listen to our Biggest Fan, she can help us find the baby step that will help us move past procrastination.

Wiggle. Yep sounds crazy, but the best way to channel your Biggest Fan is to get out of your head and into your body. When your Monger is running the show, wiggle your body, it literally shakes things up and is just zany enough that it pulls you out of your head into your body, and you can ask, ok, what would my Biggest Fan say right now?

Our Monger will always be with us. They are hard-wired to protect us from making any changes, hurting ourselves. AND they keep us stuck. But we can learn to quiet them, and the number one way to do that is to Channel Your Biggest Fan.

Self Care: It's More Than Taking a Bubble Bath

Self-care has become a buzzword within the psychology/self-help world. If you have read any self-help literature, you will hear over and over to "Practice Self-Care." I am tired of the phrase Self Care. It has been used and abused.

Self-care is not just something you practice on the random Saturday where you treat yourself to a massage or a mani/Pedi (although that is wonderful). Self Care is a way of life. Self Care is a daily, hour by hour, minute by minute practice. Self-care means listening to yourself, showing up for yourself, and putting yourself first. Self-care is the practice we have heard announced over and over again on the airlines "Secure your oxygen mask before helping others."

Self-care means

• saying no when appropriate.

• saying yes when appropriate.

• handling conflicts directly and honestly.

• listening to yourself.

• taking a break when necessary.

• living a life based on values.

• showing up with presence and courage.

• setting healthy boundaries.

• practicing compassion, compassion, compassion

• actively engaging in your life.

The thing about self-care is no one can tell you how you should engage in self-care.

Self-care is the act of pausing and listening to YOU.

For some people, a hot bath is the ultimate self-care activity. For me, taking a bath is miserable. My tub is small. My bathroom is chilly. Inevitably, I forget something that I wanted and leave a trail of water in my wake.

For me, self-care is not a one size fits all event. It is a practice—an act of genuinely engaging with yourself and getting real.

Here are some tips to add REAL Self Care into your life.

• As you start your week and layout your calendar of events, ask yourself--do I want to be engaging in these activities? Are there any of these activities I could skip/pass/reschedule?

• Look at your calendar and ask is there enough time for me to re-group/re-energize? How can I add more?

• Brainstorm activities you enjoy, have enjoyed, or want to enjoy and start making time to enjoy them. (even if it is only 5 minutes)

• Do an inventory of the draining people and activities in your life? How can you limit interaction with these events?

• Do an inventory of the energizing people and activities in your life? How can you add more of these events?

• Where is there a conflict hanging over your head? How can you handle it in a productive/healthy way?

• Add breathing rituals into your day--take the time to stop, take three deep breaths, and check-in with yourself.

• Where are you putting someone else's needs first to the detriment of your own? How can you vocalize or prioritize your needs?

If we all practiced self-care--the world would be a better place. Self-care is not a buzz word it is a necessity.

The Toxic Belief of Soldiering On

There is a belief that leaves so many women I know exhausted, depleted, and stressed out. It is a toxic concept that I call "Soldiering On."

Soldiering on is the idea that life is full of pain and suffering. If you are experiencing any pain and suffering, you should suck it up and keep moving. Some common phrases used in the belief system of Soldiering On include:

• "never let them see you sweat."

• "Be grateful it could be worse."

• 'think positive' it's not that bad."

• "suck it up."

• "Be strong, don't burden other people with your problems."

Soldiering on is a necessary concept when used in short periods of great stress. There are times in our life when we do have to 'suck it up and 'keep moving forward,' but when Soldiering On becomes a way of life, which I see happening all the time. It is a problem.

Let's hear the story of Mindy. She is awesome at Soldiering On:

Mindy is a member of the sandwich generation. While she cares for her two kids, she also cares for her mother, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Mindy frequently feels overwhelmed with responsibility and stress. She is trying to do it ALL, and it often leaves her exhausted and tired at the end of the day. Mindy often tells herself,

"Ugh, this is so hard. But I should be positive; I have so many blessings."

"I could call Mary and vent, but has it so much worse she is caregiving for both her parents. I don't want to burden her."

"My head is killing me, and I am exhausted, but I need just to suck it up; life is hard, and there is no sense whining about it."

"I have so much to do today it is overwhelming, but it could be worse."

The idea of "Soldiering on" keeps Mindy stuck in overwhelm, pain and exhaustion. It is not serving her; instead, it leaves her living in an isolated world of martyrdom and pain.

Now let's hear the story of Maureen:

Maureen is also a member of the sandwich generation and shares the same feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion.

Here is what Maureen tells herself:

"Ugh, this is so hard. I am exhausted today. Understandably I am exhausted. My plate runneth over. I am going to go easy on myself today and just give myself lots of extra love" (COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION. Maureen is honest with herself here, no soldiering on, no suck it up, no fixing it, just raw honesty that this situation is HARD and she needs some extra support through it)

"Mary is dealing with this too with her parents; I love talking with her because she can understand what is happening. It is nice we have each other to lean on." (SHARE HER STORY) Maureen is willing to reach out to her friends, share her story, and get support. She understands that problems aren't graded. We all have problems; we all need support. Being vulnerable and reaching out isn't a weakness; it is a strength)

"My head is killing me, and I am exhausted. My body is telling me I need to rest. I am going to make it a priority tonight to go to bed early so I can read, relax and get a good night's sleep." (LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Maureen is listening to her body; it is telling her she is too stressed. She knows that is a warning sign and that she needs to take action.)

"I have so much to do today it is overwhelming. I am going to ask my husband to cook dinner tonight. We need to come up with a new plan for meal prep because it is just too much with my schedule. I am grateful for all he does, and I know we can figure out a way to work this out differently." (ASK FOR HELP. Maureen recognizes she can't do it alone and realizes she needs to ask for help from her husband and other people too.)

Maureen and Mindy BOTH were caregiving, and they were BOTH accomplishing a lot. Maureen was just putting herself as a priority and giving herself lots of compassion. Leaving her more energized, less exhausted, and more connected to the world around her.

The toxic belief is that Soldering On will gain us more productivity, more love, more respect. Soldiering On convinces us we have to do it alone, and we can't show any weakness. It leaves us absolutely no wiggle room.

Here are some tips if Soldiering on is one of your go to's:

Compassion. Compassion Compassion. When you learn to soldier on, you tend to ignore your feelings. You might not even notice you are sad or scared. And if you do, you will blame yourself for being weak rather than honoring the fact that these feelings are normal and understandable. You don't have to act on your feelings, but noticing and lovingly owning them helps.

Listen to your body. If you are tired, admit that to yourself. It doesn't mean you have to take a 2-hour nap. The fact is you are tired. Understandably, you are tired. Beating yourself up for being tired isn't going to make you feel less tired. It will probably make you feel more stressed and exhausted. So be honest with yourself. Honor what you are feeling, give yourself some compassion around it, and ask for help if you need it.

Share your Story. Find safe people and talk to them about what you are struggling with. Soldiering on convinces us that sharing=weakness. When you share your story, you become stronger because you gain perspective, learn you are not alone and find resources to help.

Ask for Help. This is hard because if you were raised to Soldier On, you were raised to handle all the burden yourself. Challenge yourself to get help in a small area of your life and slowly expand it. Remember, people LOVE to help and love knowing how to help, specifically. Remind yourself that strength comes from admitting when it is too much and reaching out to others.

Soldiering On has been passed down through the generations and has become hard-wired into our lifestyles and relationships. I will not lie; learning to unhook it takes daily intention and a choice not to settle for our default patterns. But gradually, over time, as you choose Compassion over Soldiering, life becomes happier.

Avoiding Vacation Distress

Picture this: You are getting ready for your family vacation. You, your partner, and your kids are meeting up with members of your extended family for a beach getaway. As you organize, pack and run around like a crazy person, you are dreaming of long walks on the beach with your partner and romantic dinners while your parents watch the kids. As the vacation begins, you quickly realize your husband has other plans. Because it is your family, he assumes you want to hang with your sisters as much as possible, so he takes care of the kids, entertains his in-laws, and attempts to give you as much girl time as possible.

You leave the vacation bummed and disappointed.

Doesn't he want to be with you? 

How could he ignore you all vacation? 

When you get home, you are hurt and furious, and you end up in a huge fight.

Do you know what was missing from that picture?

Expectations. 

There is a quote that says, "Expectations are premeditated resentments."

I disagree with that quote--I think it should say, "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments."

There is nothing wrong with having expectations. I think expectations are one of the best things about planning a date night, trip, party, or event. Looking forward to something can be the best part of the event. However, not sharing those expectations with those closest to us can be TROUBLE. The number of fights my nearest and dearest and I have dramatically reduced once I shared my expectations with him. When I was able to share what I wanted from a date night or a trip (even when I knew the expectations were unattainable), we were able to head into the trip/night ready to make it happen.

I can hear you saying, "But sharing your expectations, that is SCARY." Yep, it certainly is. I agree. So it is best to start with those we love, and those we know love us. Remember, your partner wants to give you what you want, sometimes they just don't know what it is.

In the above example: He GUESSED that you wanted to spend time with your family, so he gave you that gift. Unfortunately, he guessed wrong because there was no conversation about expectations.

Here are my tips on how to have a conversation about expectations.

1. Admit you have expectations. Admit to yourself that you have a pre-determined plan for how the trip is going to go. If it is a date night, admit to yourself that you want to feel beautiful, you want your spouse to look at you like you are the only person in the world, and you want to feel like you are dating again. 

2. Get Specific. Once you know you have expectations get specific about what they are. This is more than just saying, "I want to feel special." The key is to dig deeper. What does special look like and feel like to you?

• Do you want your spouse to make you feel like you are beautiful? How does he do that? In what he says or what he does? Could he buy you something to make you feel beautiful?

• Do you want to talk about something other than the kids? What do you want to talk about?

• Do you want to be able to spend time on vacation reading and relaxing alone? How much time? A whole afternoon? Multiple days?

• Do you want to feel like you are dating again? How does that feel? Do you want to do what you did when you were dating? Talk about what you did then?

3. Have a conversation. Before the event, sit down with your partner and share your specific expectations. Tell him what he needs to know to hit your expectations for the event/trip. So if you are envisioning long walks on the beach--TELL HIM. If you want time with just him and the kids--SHARE THAT. If you want to spend time on the beach every day reading alone--EXPRESS THAT. Sharing expectations are like sharing our needs. We won't get them met if we don't express them.

4. Be Realistic. Recognize that not all your expectations will be met. These are hopes, not guidelines. So yes, it would be awesome to have long nights of walking under the star-lit sky and eating by candlelight and doing that nightly while vacationing with ten other people and two kids under the age of 6, probably not realistic. But it is realistic to discuss how you can accomplish part of that. Sharing expectations allow a negotiation to begin.

Picture this (version 2): You are getting ready for your family vacation. You, your partner, and your kids are meeting up with members of your extended family for a beach getaway. As you organize, pack and run around like a crazy person, you are dreaming of long walks on the beach with your partner and romantic dinners while your parents watch the kids. As the vacation begins, you know some of your expectations will be met because you and your partner chatted about it. He is planning a romantic night at a nice restaurant, and you have already asked your parents to watch the kids. At dinner, you have the rule no kid talk is allowed, and you have a fantastic conversation about what comes next for both of you professionally and personally. You have just enough time to take a quick walk on the beach before it starts raining. But you don't mind the rain because you got one of your expectations met. The rest of the vacation is relaxed and fun (with the inevitable stress and squabbles that occur when families gather). You leave the vacation feeling relaxed, refreshed, and connected to your partner and family. It has been one of the best vacations ever.

The Danger in the Belief "Everything will be better when..."

Notice how often you say the words to yourself:

"Once ___________

• The presentation is over

• The school year ends

• Vacation starts

• The weekend

• The kids are out of the house

• I lose 30 lbs

then everything will be better."

That used to be my mantra. I was always living for the weekend, for warmer weather, less stress, more relaxation. I was always chasing SOMETHING. Living for a time that wasn't whatever it was I was dealing with right now. Because THEN it would always be better.

Learning to let go of that chase has been a game-changer for me. Unfortunately, it happened when my Dad got sick. We would be going through a stressful time with him, and I would say to myself, "Once we get through this, it will be better," and then I realized what I was saying...once you get through this, what will be left? Dad will be dead when we get through this time, and I don't want that either. That is permanent. I had the realization that there would be no 'everything will be better time' in this situation. And I started thinking about all the other times I told myself that, if I lose weight, when we get on vacation and when I arrived at those places, life wasn't magically better. It was different but not necessarily better.

I realized all I was doing was wishing my life away. I was not living my life; I was waiting for my life. Sure, vacations are great, but I would spend all my time on vacation trying to slow time down to enjoy it that I wasn't present for vacation. I lived my life either in fast forward or slow motion but wasn't present for any of it.

Part of the reason we wish stressful times away is that we don't have a comfortable way to deal with them. For me, I would spend so much of my time beating myself up during the stressful time (compounding the stress ten-fold) that it was not surprising that I just wanted the time to go away.

I needed more tools than just telling myself to "be present" or "STOP wishing your life away." I needed a way to deal with that stress rather than will it away or run from it.

So I started permitting myself to embrace the mess. To embrace how hard it might be in the present moment. To embrace that this particular period in life is HARD, and I am STRUGGLING, and that's ok. I actively work on lovingly telling my Monger to simmer down and offer myself more grace and compassion.

Learning to let go of the chase AND lovingly seeing myself through the challenging times has been a game-changer. It isn't easy. It isn't quick. But it does make life way more enjoyable. Not living in the future allows me to show up for all of my life. It allows me to be present for every minute of it rather than fast-forwarding to just get to the good parts.

How to Not Be Paralyzed by Your Inner Critic

Believing the quote, "Real change comes from self-love, not self-loathing," has radically shifted my life both professionally and personally. It is a simple quote but a challenging idea. We learn that we are so flawed and broken that the only way to achieve success is through beating ourselves up and being critical. Ironically, this self-loathing tends to make us less motivated and less successful, thus creating a self-fulfilling process. An easy example of this phenomenon is starting a new exercise routine. We try to start a new routine; our inner critic tells us how terrible we are and how we should be doing it differently. Inevitably, we get tired of all the self-criticism, so we stop exercising, and our inner critic says, "See, I told you, you are lazy and unmotivated, good thing you have me to keep you in line." So we either stop altogether, or the cycle repeats. UGH! How frustrating!!

Recently, I decided I wanted to get back in shape. I wanted to make an intentional shift so I could avoid the cycle above. This is my story:

I am out of shape. I have a regular yoga practice, and I do some movement most days of the week, but I am out of shape as far as cardio/strength training. So last week, we decided to buy a Total Gym to have a way to build muscle and strength and add to my routine of walking and yoga.

We set up the Total Gym on Friday afternoon, and I clumsily tried to use it. I fumbled around the machine with laughter and embarrassment, trying to figure out the pulley system and how it all works. I realized there was going to be a learning curve, and I would need to be patient (not my strong suit). But I wanted to approach this working out experience differently. Here's what I found:

Past: I would try to do it perfectly, get frustrated if it wasn't going perfectly, and be so critical of myself I would rarely, if ever, use the equipment again.

Present: I watched a few videos on using the equipment, and I gave myself a grace period of learning how to do it. This was more motivating. Each time I got discouraged, I reminded myself I was in the learning grace period, and I had time.

Past: I would have jumped on the equipment (not knowing how to use it) and put it on the hardest level possible (because that is, after all, how you get the best workout). I would have injured myself or been so sore the next day I wouldn't want to get on it for days.

Present: I picked a beginner's workout and fumbled through the exercises keeping it on the lower settings. I was winded and a bit sore but excited that I could do it and motivated to watch my progress.

Past: I would have been so frustrated that I was so out of shape and would have spent the entire workout being critical of how I let myself go and how I was a lazy, out of shape 40 year old. 

Present: I did become frustrated with how out of shape I am. I remembered not that long ago when I was in killer shape. AND then I reminded myself that I am where I am. I am out of shape, which is ok because I am working on getting back in shape. I also reminded myself that I will see a lot of progress because I am so out of shape, making it more fun.

Past: I would have set HUGE lofty goals for how much I wanted to accomplish and how much I was going to work out. Then getting discouraged and disappointed when I didn't reach those goals, so I would inevitably stop working out altogether.

Present: I am more realistic. The temptation to get huge and lofty is still there, and then I remind myself to be realistic. I want to move and do fun activities without worrying about being sore and out of shape. I don't want to run a marathon or lift a certain number of pounds; I want to feel good in my body.

Like I said in the intro, this process has taken some serious intention setting!! I haven't banned my inner critic permanently. She still shows up in her cunning, manipulative ways. But I can see her now without letting her run amuck in my head and keep me from my goals.

This example is simple and universal. Our inner critic does this same routine any time we try something new, whether it be a new job, new relationship, new goal, or new experience. We need to be as intentional and present as possible to not let the cycle continue.