Episode 102: The Dangers Of Positive Thinking
Today on the Happier Approach we examine one of the most toxic ideas pushed by the industry: positive thinking.
In the last episode, we started pulling back the curtain on the toxicity that exists in the self-help industry. Today on the Happier Approach we examine one of the most toxic ideas pushed by the industry: positive thinking.
One of the most misleading concepts that the self-help industry teaches is the benefit positive thinking – change your thoughts and stop feeling so negative! If it were that easy – if all we had to do was put on our rose-colored glasses – why are so many people still depressed, anxious and overwhelmed?
It is my theory that the self-improvement industry is selling the wrong thing. We don’t need to simply “think positively.” Instead, we need to quiet the cacophony of positive thinking messages that come our way on a daily basis--and listen in to our own inner peace.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How the message of positive thinking is holding us back and even harming us
Where our belief in the positive psychology movement originated
How research contradicts the claims of the positive psychology industry has been selling you
And practical tools and resources that you can use in place of just “looking on the bright side”
Research and resources mentioned:
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study by Prof Brett Ford and Prof Iris B. Maus
Her book Rethinking Positive Thinking
And her W.O.O.P. system
Oliver Burkeman’s book The Antidote: Happiness for People Wo Can’t Stand Positive Thinking
My books on living with High Functioning Anxiety
And how you can work with me one-on-one
+ Read the Transcript
9.9 billion dollars. That’s how big the self-improvement market is, according to the organization Market Data.
Now, I don’t have to tell you: 9.9 billion dollars is a lot of money.
All that money is being spent to convince you that you could be happier, less stressed, and more fulfilled if only you followed this method or read this book or another.
Now here’s my question: If the self-improvement industry was so successful, why are so many people depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed?
It is my theory that the self-improvement industry is selling the wrong thing. We don’t need to be improved; we need to be accepted. One of the most dangerous things the self-help industry teaches is you need to think positive, change your thoughts and stop feeling so negative!!
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships, exploring the challenge of living with High Functioning Anxiety. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
Last week we started pulling back the curtain on the toxicity that exists in the self-help industry. One of the most toxic ideas is positive thinking. Years ago, when I first started my private practice and would teach on living happier, I was a big proponent of think positive and the idea of change your thoughts, change your life. I would write about it, teach about it, and believed in the power of positivity. It was around the time of my Dad’s diagnosis with Parkinson’s that the crack in the positive thinking mantra began to begin. You might be thinking, what is positive about a Parkinson’s diagnosis, but trust me, I found it. Well, at least we found it early, or we can research it and build our battle plan. No sadness, no anger, just push on, soldier on, buck up, and think positive. It started showing up in other areas, too; my relationships started to suffer because I couldn’t handle anything ‘negative.’ It is hard to have real relationships when you are a ‘high vibes only person.’ It left me feeling disconnected, disenfranchised, and frankly bitter. I realized all this positive thinking left me feeling worse about my life, not better. Positive thinking felt great initially, but over time, it left me feeling empty and cut off from myself. But it wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally began speaking up about the dangers of positive thinking and how especially for those of us with HFA, it can be keeping us stuck
Those of us with HFA have a habit of ignoring what is really going on. Because High Functioning Anxiety is rooted in the belief that we are flawed and unworthy. As a coping mechanism for our anxiety, we wall off the “unpleasant parts” of ourselves. So we LOVE the idea of positive thinking because it gives us permission to avoid the parts of ourselves that are not acceptable. As a result, positive thinking is something we tend to take a little too far. Positive thinking keeps us from being rooted in reality, accepting ourselves no matter where we are
First off, let’s talk research. Well, let me be honest and say the research in the positive psychology industry and especially the self-help industry is controversial at best. When Martin Seligman started the Positive Psychology movement, he talked about shifting the focus away from a disease model and pathology. Sounds good right? Focus on the positive, the problem is his movement went from one extreme to another-- happiness became the new holy grail.
The Positive Psychology movement began devoting time and energy to research. Which showed the positive effects of changing your thoughts and being more positive in general. What we now know is much of that research was not replicable and was peer-reviewed by people who shared the same beliefs. So a bit of groupthink was happening in the Positive Psychology world.
The idea of ‘be more positive is that you will achieve more goals, be more productive and feel better if you are positive. Much of the research that was done measured the immediate results of changing your thoughts from positive to negative. So let’s say you get in a fight with your spouse over who should who is doing more. You leave the house in a huff and in the spirit of positive thinking, start naming all the things you are feeling positive about in the moment, saying to yourself, “He is a loving, father and I am just going to concentrate on his positive traits”. You do feel better initially. I mean who wouldn’t. You are thinking warm, fuzzy thoughts. And they are true thoughts, but they are avoiding what is really going on. Many of the positive psychology research is studying this immediate, initial response which is usually positive. You will feel happier in the moment.
The issue is later. Long term. One week, 4 weeks, 6 months later when you haven’t dealt with this problem. When you are more frustrated than ever at your spouse’s lack of help and/or lack of appreciation. When you have stuffed down all those ‘negative emotions in order to feel positive, will you be happier? I found the answer to be no, and so do many of my clients. Let’s say her name is Mindy. Mindy grew up in an overwhelming household. She survived a toxic childhood and thanks to her diligent attention, she saved her brothers too.. As she sat in my office, she said, “I survived, and I am so proud of that, I don’t really want to go there again.” But the issue was every Father’s Day every year on her Dad’s birthday every year on her birthday not to mention all the other celebrations that involved happy-go-lucky fathers, she was reminded how terrible her childhood was. Her alcoholic father was not one of those happy go lucky people. But Mindy had survived by thinking positive, she was in perpetual motion and the words ’at least’ or ‘but on the positive side’ were regular parts of her vocabulary. She came to see me because her anxiety was through the roof and she was constantly lashing out at her spouse and kids in frustration.
In a study of more than 1,300 adults, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that subjects who reported trying to avoid negative emotions in response to bad experiences were more likely to have symptoms of mood disorders, such as anxiety and depression, 6 months later, compared with those who embraced their negative emotions.
Lead researcher Professor Brett Ford: “It turns out that how we approach our own negative emotional reactions is really important for our overall well-being. People who accept these emotions without judging or trying to change them are able to cope with their stress more successfully.”
In fact, he goes on to say, “Maybe if you have an accepting attitude toward negative emotions, you’re not giving them as much attention,” speculates Prof. Mauss. “And perhaps, if you’re constantly judging your emotions, the negativity can pile up.”
So, here’s a radical idea. What if there are no such thing as positive or negative emotions there are just emotions. What if there is no such thing as positive thoughts or negative thoughts they are just thoughts, and we need to accept them as the data they are. NOT judge them, ridicule them or try to change them. Just accept them as the data they are.
The truth is suppressing our thoughts means we can’t accurately assess our experiences. If we can’t learn from the lows, we can’t enjoy the highs either. We are human beings, and the goal is to experience a wide range of emotions. I am beyond grateful that I learned this lesson early on in my Dad’s Parkinson’s diagnosis. Our relationship grew after his diagnosis because I could really show up for all of it the good and the bad. I wasn’t forcing myself to think positive and so I didn’t have to force him to either. We could just be there together in a hard, exhausting situation.
Secondly, so-called negative emotions are warning lights — they alert us to potential issues or danger. They grab our attention so we can focus on what we need to change or solve.
In our work together my client Mindy and I spent a lot of time doing what I call “embracing the and”. When Mindy would say I get sad on Father’s Day but then I tell myself, you survived be happy! I suggested she say to herself, Father’s day makes me sad because I never had a dad that would play with me and support me AND I am happy I made it out as quickly as I did. Over time Mindy learned her negative emotions weren’t that scary, they were just emotions. As she embraced the and and practiced other ways of honoring her self her anxiety began to decrease. She began to give herself kindness around all the anger, fear and sadness that came up and accept that they were just as much a part of her as the positive stuff.
So in addition to embracing the and, what can you do? Today I am going to share 3 ways to talk to yourself when you feel those unpleasant thoughts and emotions.
The first approach is the approach that I share in my book the Happier Approach, so taking the to the spouse argument example, rather than hopping in the car and immediately trying to change your thoughts to the positive, you practiced the Happier Approach System: A.S.K. you acknowledged what you are feeling. Then you slowed down and got into your body (some type of full-body movement, stretching for the sky, touching your toes, or wiggling your whole body) and finally you Kindly, pulled back to see the big picture. This is where you can determine what your spouse is doing to annoy you, why it is annoying you, what you need to ask for moving forward.
So later that night when you come home and see your spouse, you will have honored and accepted what you are feeling. And you will be ready to listen, share and solve the issue at hand.
The second approach is brought to you by Gabrielle Oettingen is a leading researcher and psychology professor at NYU. She has done a lot of research in the field of positive thinking and through her studies she has proven that positive thinking does not work in the long term she says: “Positive thinking can make us feel better in the short term, but over the long term it saps our motivation, preventing us from achieving our wishes and goals, and leaving us feeling frustrated, stymied and stuck. The more that people ‘think positive’ and imagine themselves achieving their goals, the less they actually achieve.”
The system that she has discovered is called WOOP and stands for wish outcome, obstacle and plan. So again taking the example of your spouse and your argument
WHAT IS YOUR WISH? What is your most important wish or concern?
I wish to stop keeping score and fighting over who does what. To just appreciate each other for what we bring to the table.
WHAT IS THE BEST OUTCOME?
If your wish is fulfilled, where would that leave you? What would be the best, most positive outcome?
Outcome: to fight far less, to have more joy day-to-day because we could be able to talk through when we are feeling underappreciated without being so defensive.
WHAT IS YOUR MAIN INNER OBSTACLE?
What is it within you that holds you back from fulfilling your wish? It might be an emotion, an irrational belief, or a bad habit. Think more deeply—what is it really?
The fear that he will take advantage of me, that I will ALWAYS be doing more because I am such an over-achiever and he is ok with what is.
MAKE A PLAN
What can you do to overcome your obstacle? Identify one action you can take or one thought you can think to overcome your obstacle.
PLAN: To be open and honest with yourself, to own when you are feeling underappreciated and ask am I appreciating myself? Is this take THAT important? And where can I ask for help?
She details these findings and her approach in her book Rethinking Positive thinking you can also check out her website woopmylife.org
And the 3rd approach is by the psychologist Peter M Gollwitzer and his colleagues at New York University have used a strategy called ‘implementation intentions’, in which people form plans about future action using ‘if-then statements:
“If I start to feel angry at my spouse about feeling underappreciated, THEN I will ask myself am I appreciating myself? Or If I am appreciating myself and still feel anger, then I will be honest with my husband and ask for help rather than pouting.
And finally, I want to share one of my favorite books on this subject written by Oliver Burkeman entitled: The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking
Burkeman writes in The Guardian: {Research] points to an alternative approach [to happiness]: a ‘negative path’ to happiness that entails taking a radically different stance towards those things most of us spend our lives trying hard to avoid. This involves learning to enjoy uncertainty, embracing insecurity and becoming familiar with failure. In order to be truly happy, it turns out, we might actually need to be willing to experience more negative emotions – or, at the very least, to stop running quite so hard from them.
This week I challenge you to experience ALL your thoughts and emotions, they are not something to be controlled or changed, they are simply information.
It’s no secret that I have a bone to pick with the self-help industry. The solutions it sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Or worse, it turns you off from getting help completely.
“At this point, I’ve made my case that positive thinking doesn’t always create positive results. In fact, for women like you dealing with hidden High Function Anxiety, positive thinking can be really dangerous.
Of course, the self-help industry doesn’t want you to know. The solutions it sells leave you walling off parts of yourself. Feeling less authentic and more anxious.
I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It’s not woo-woo. It’s not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I’m certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.
I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps upon you and give you something to do about it.
Here’s how it works:
First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.
Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.
Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.