Episode 101: Positive Thinking Vs Radical Acceptance
I’ll be sharing the tools and resources I use with myself and clients to quiet the cacophony of positive thinking messages that come our way on a daily basis--and listen in to our own inner peace.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How the self-help industry is especially dangerous for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety
How I almost single-handedly kept her local Borders afloat (spoiler: I didn’t)
Why “radical acceptance” changed everything for me--but what I had to do first before I could fully accept myself (you can start this today)
Why leaning into your value for loyalty is the key to building a new relationship with yourself and your anxiety
Research and resources mentioned:
The Science Daily research study
Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance
And Tara Brach herself
Nancy’s books on living with High Functioning Anxiety
The solutions the personal growth industry sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Even worse, it can turn you off from getting help completely.
I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It’s not woo-woo. It’s not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I’m certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.
I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps up on you and give you something to do about it. Click here to learn more about working with me through on-demand coachinng.
+ Read the Transcript
Things have gotten out of hand. Live your best life, think positively, high vibes only! Frankly, it's become toxic. Just yesterday on Instagram, I saw one of the classic posts saying, "Train your mind to see the good in every situation" or another personal favorite, "life is too good to be anything but happy.'
The self-help, personal development, self-improvement industry, whatever you want to call it, has gotten out of hand. I would even argue that parts of it have become toxic. Over the next few episodes, we will be taking an in-depth look at specific messages shared by this industry that might be making your anxiety worse.
"You're listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith."
Researchers at the University of Montreal found that consuming self-help books actually makes people more stressed. Lupien, one of the lead researchers, said, "It seems that these books do not produce the desired effects. When we observe that the best predictor of purchasing a self-help book is having bought one in the past year, it raises doubts about their effectiveness. Logically, if such books were truly effective, reading just one would be enough to solve our problems," Not to say that ALL self-help books are crap, there are quality books out there, we need to be discerning of them.
The first glaring issue with many of these books is they boil everything down to the idea that you are broken. If only you were skinnier, had better boundaries, were less of a perfectionist, stopped people-pleasing, or were more positive THAN you will feel better about your life. They are constantly sending the message they have the answer to your problems, and you need to follow their simple system to achieve it. Of course, you feel more broken, more defeated, and more lost after reading it. So you pick up another book hoping THIS one will free you of all your ills.
The self-help industry is especially dangerous for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety because, at our core, we believe we are unworthy. This belief of unworthiness manifests in anxiety. We hustle, overanalyze, ruminate, worry and overperform to keep those feelings of unworthiness at bay. So yes, we are ripe for reading self-help books. My bookshelves used to be covered in them; I might have helped my local Borders bookstore stay in business for as long s they did because in my 20s and 30s, I was there every weekend looking for a book that would heal me. That would finally make my pain go away. I know if I could just find that simple answer, everything would be better. Self-help sells quick answers, another thing those of us with HFA love. Simple solutions, and then we find afterward we can beat ourselves up when those simple solutions don't work.
So you can see the cycle, feel broken, have LOTS of anxiety, recognize that is all this bad behavior you are engaging in, look for a solution outside of yourself via books, courses, or gurus who are offering simple, easy solutions. When that solution inevitably doesn't work, you blame yourself more and head out looking for the next solution because maybe THIS one will give you the peace you are looking for.
Make it stop! A few years ago, I started listening to Tara Brach; she wasn't a guru, she wasn't making tens of thousands of dollars, charging hundreds of dollars for her program. She was a Buddhist practicing psychologist who was open and honest about her own struggle with Radical Acceptance. I was hooked. She was the first person to introduce radical acceptance to me and how it would look if I practiced it. In fact, this quote changed my life ("This moment ask yourself, do I accept myself just as I am? Without judging yourself, simply become aware of how you are relating to your body, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors." Talk about a breath of fresh air.
Her message was like a drop of water in a sea of self-criticism. I couldn't believe in the power of radical acceptance because I was so very broken. I had swallowed the lie that I couldn't be accepting of myself because if I did, then I wouldn't be a 'good person. I would be giving up on myself, doomed to be broken forever. But I kept reading her book, listening to her words and It took me a few years of dabbling in radical acceptance, dipping my toes in the idea that acceptance of myself was the key. Eventually, I realized the idea of pure acceptance was just a bit too radical for me. If acceptance was Mt. Everest, I had spent the past few years stuck at base camp 1. I decided maybe I should try being kind to myself first.
I started with what seemed like a radical idea at first, "You are not broken, you do not need to be fixed". Yes, you are human. Yes, you are put on this earth to be the best version of yourself and learn as many lessons as possible, AND you have been brainwashed into thinking you have to always be improving to be accepted. What if rather than going outside of ourselves to find the most effective simple solution to fix yourself, the journey is to go inward and be kind to what you see there.
Rather than beating yourself up for having soft boundaries, be kind to yourself. You learned soft boundaries over time, maybe in your childhood, maybe in your first marriage. But having soft boundaries has served you, AND learning how to have more rigid boundaries might serve you. Learning how to set boundaries is challenging and takes a long time. It isn't a simple solution. It isn't one and done, it is repeated baby steps over time, and each time you mess up (which is inevitable), it requires more kindness from you.
One of the values almost all my clients with HFA share is a high loyalty value. They are VERY loyal to anyone in their inner circle, and yet, they frequently turn their backs on themselves. The only way to make change, the only way to come to peace with your anxiety is to stop turning your back on yourself. Stop ridiculing, belittling, and fighting who you are. When we can build loyalty with ourselves, be kind to ourselves, have our own backs, we can see the hustle, ruminating, and control is all a ruse to hide our own flaws. And when we accept our flaws, the need to keep that ruse alive becomes less.
Will you always have anxiety, probably. The need to hide our flaws is hard wired and strong. But that doesn't mean we have to fall victim to it every time. That means that when we notice our anxiety, we can say, "Oh yes, there you are again. Trying to protect me from myself, right? This time I don't need protection, I see me and I am kind to me so keep moving." Yep, that sounds simple, and it is anything but simple. Building a relationship with yourself with kindness and loyalty as the foundation is counter to everything we have been taught. It takes time, and that time includes repeated failures, periods of getting stuck in looking outside of yourself, reminders that you can do it and cycle and repeat. But this work is 10000 times better than the constant unfulfilling need of thinking I am broken and THEY can fix me. Now I want you to say I am NOT broken, and I do not need fixed. I am human, amazingly wonderfully human.
And if you want a book to read, pick up a copy of Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance it is unlike any self help book you have read. You can also listen to her weekly sermons via her podcast and or her website. They are full of stories, humor, and wisdom.
It's no secret that I have a bone to pick with the self-help industry. The solutions it sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Or worse, it turns you off from getting help completely.
I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It's not woo-woo. It's not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I'm certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.
I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps upon you and give you something to do about it.
Here's how it works:
First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.
Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I'll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you'll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.
Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.
Like the show? I would love for you to subscribe on your favorite podcast player and then head over to Apple Podcasts and leave a review. Do you know someone who struggles with High Functioning Anxiety? Tell them to listen as well. I am so excited to share with you the Happier Approach.
It's no secret that I have a bone to pick with the self-help industry. The solutions it sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Or worse, it turns you off from getting help completely.
I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It's not woo-woo. It's not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I'm certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.
I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps upon you and give you something to do about it.
Here's how it works:
First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.
Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I'll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you'll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.
Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.
Like the show? I would love for you to subscribe on your favorite podcast player and then head over to Apple Podcasts and leave a review. Do you know someone who struggles with High Functioning Anxiety? Tell them to listen as well. I am so excited to share with you the Happier Approach.