Noticing the Monger

This weekend for a variety of reasons, my 'Monger' came out to play. Not necessarily with a message of fear, just the generally negative voice that pops up now and then and spreads messages of despair, fear, and negativity.

The concept that constantly amazes me about the Monger, whether they be fear, doubt, insecurity, or shame, is how easily they can come in and take residency. I love the term Monger because it so accurately describes these voices--someone who spreads negative propaganda to get you to go their way. In reality, that is what this voice is doing, feeding us negative propaganda to keep us safe, keep us contained and protect us from getting hurt. But in her desire to keep us so protected, she ends up hurting us---like an overprotective parent who can love too much.

The most amazing part about the Monger's voice is how comfortable she feels how easily she goes unnoticed. It wasn't until almost 24 hours into the visit that I recognized she was there. She hid in birthday celebrations and other events.

So many books are written on facing your fears and dealing with the gremlins of our lives—valuable books. But I would argue the first step is even RECOGNIZING you have a Monger or a fear that has taken up residence in your brain.

It sounds counterintuitive, but in so many ways, my Monger is safe and comfortable. Like an old sweater that feels so soft, but after you wear it, you realize it is thin and baggy and has holes in it, and it is itchy. So too are the mongers, they come in as our friends feeding us comfort and safety, but in reality, their job is to keep us stuck in our old patterns. Feeling sorry for ourselves, holding old grudges, reopening old wounds so that we can obsess about them all over again.

These tapes and voices are so familiar I hardly recognize them as a Monger until well into my "monger pattern," which for me is to disengage (e.g.watch TV, play computer games, and overeat.) My Monger disguised this laziness in the message of "it's your birthday, do whatever you want." My Monger loves to convince me just to hang, be lazy, disconnect, shut down, tune out. And then she goes to town, wooing me with her words of negativity and insecurity. Until 24 hours in, I am too sloth-like to wage any resistance.

But this weekend was different. This weekend I dealt with my Monger in a new way. Yes, it took me a while to recognize the old pattern (honestly over 24 hours), but when I did, I had a little chat with my Monger, telling her how it would be different. The changes were incremental, but they were there. I stopped obsessing over old wounds and beating myself up over situations long past. I thanked my Monger for showing up, listened briefly to her message, and then asked her to move along. I then got up off the couch and re-engaged with life.

This weekend was a wonderful reminder of how left unchecked our Monger can woo us into submission. She can keep us safe and accepting second best. Through this awareness of how often our Monger is taking up residency, actual change can come. So this week, I challenge you to stop and listen. Pay attention to how often your Monger speaks to you. What is your 'monger pattern' (activities you engage in when the Monger has won)? I am not saying LISTEN to the voices, necessarily, but merely noticing them and the patterns they cause. Knowing these signs and patterns is step one in making lasting change in decreasing the hold and power of the Monger.

Dealing with a Demanding Boss

 For as long as I can remember, my dad has worked for himself. He has always been a hard worker both in his professional life and in his personal life. Whether working with clients or working in the yard, he has always pushed himself sometimes beyond his limits. He has a formidable work ethic. Frequently my mom will get frustrated with him working so hard and will jokingly say to him, "I hate your boss, he just never lets upon you, he is so demanding." It is a loving way to remind him that he is the one driving himself to exhaustion, he is the one pushing himself past the point of comfort, he is the one who is setting his schedule, his goal, and his long-term planning. It is also a great way to separate himself from his 'boss,' to give him some perspective.

To some extent, all of us have a 'tough boss' inside of us. Even if we don't work for ourselves, we still have the Monger voice that tells us we aren't good enough. That tells us to keep working harder, be more dependable, more responsible, more on 'top of things. Frequently that boss voice plays there under our subconscious over and over again.

I am constantly amazed that I could complete the same amount of tasks/stuff on two different days, and one day, my 'boss' would be ok with it, and one day, my 'boss' would be riding my ass that I didn't accomplish enough. The difference in the days depends on a lot of variables: how good I feel when I start the day, how much time I had in the day, my expectations for the day, etc. But the biggest variable I have found is how much faith I give to the "boss" in my head. The amount of time I let my boss just pick at me unchecked is frequently the key to whether or not I end the day happier or not.

So I have found a great way to combat my boss is first to notice her there. To notice that when I am extremely harsh on myself: 

• how I feel about my work (usually negative),

• how I carry my body (I tend to get a tightness in my neck/chest),

• the words that come out of my mouth (usually more discouraged and down),

• the thoughts that toss around in my head (pretty negative and self-sabotaging).

All of these variables show me that maybe my boss is a little too demanding. And then I will say something to my internal 'boss.' Letting my boss know that she is not in charge here that I have some say and that although I love her for keeping me on task, I need a little more support if I am going to be a success. MOST of the time, she settles down, and the 'push' decreases. Occasionally I need to address her multiple times in the day before she will settle. This awareness of my boss and acknowledging that she is just a part of me, not my whole being, helps me work with her instead of against her.

What Keeps You from Celebrating Your Joy?

 This week has been an excellent week. In all honesty, it has been one of the best weeks I have had in a while. I had some positive things happen, some of it is the fruit of a lot of work, and some of it is luck or the universe or something like that. Plus, in 3 days, I leave with my nearest and dearest to sunny Costa Rica for seven days! Considering we have 2 feet of snow on the ground and are now in our 3rd week of temps under 32, this is a blessed event! So, in summary: an excellent week.

You would think I have been leaping from the ceiling, dancing a jig, smiling from ear to ear all week. But no, I have been spending much of the week vacillating between holding myself back from celebrating and reminding myself how important it is to celebrate. I realized that I am struggling to celebrate the joy of the week. As much as I hate to admit it, I also realized I am almost more comfortable when things aren't going so well when I have something to strive for or work towards when I struggle. How crazy is that?!!?

So I started throwing the question out to friends/acquaintances this week how do you celebrate your joy? What do you do when things are going well? This question has led to some interesting discussions and exposed some fascinating beliefs about celebrating happiness. I realized I am not alone in my struggle to celebrate my joy. If my life mission is to help people live happier, then we need to have the ability to recognize and celebrate when we are, in fact, happy!!!!

Below are the significant beliefs people have around celebrating when things go well.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief: If we celebrate that things are going well, they will immediately stop going well. It is as if the universe is watching us, and if he/she knows that we are happy, he/she will immediately take it away. Or another popular theory, we only have a finite number of days we can genuinely be happy, so you don't want to waste those days on minor celebrations.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief: The second most popular belief revolves around humility. If we celebrate our happiness and joy, we make others feel like crap, and that just isn't nice. If our life is going exceptionally well, we need not celebrate it because we will make other people feel less good about their lives.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief:  And finally: you shouldn't celebrate happiness because life always brings you back to reality. Eventually, something terrible will happen (e.g., I will return to the cold and snow after my vacation), so you might as well just keep yourself on the even flat road of life rather than ride the roller coasters of ups and downs.

As I talked with people about these beliefs and even as I write them now, I am amazed at their craziness--seriously, a limited number of days? But I admit, crazy or not. I have internalized these beliefs too. So I am going to debunk them as best I can.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief: The universe is not out to get us. This belief's foundation comes from the idea that we are allowed a certain number of days to be happy, that genuine growth comes from suffering. While I believe we learn from suffering, we also learn from joy. We learn from happiness and celebration! The universe has better things to do than keep us in check on our joy levels. I believe the universe would be better off if there were more joyful celebrations out there.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief: This belief is a solid one for me. I struggle with celebrating too much because it might make others feel bad. But in reality, my happiness and their happiness are not linked at all. When someone close to me is having a really good day or gets to do something fun, I don't feel bad. In fact, I feel happier because they are happier. If I get jealous or envious, that is about me and my need to take a trip to live a dream, not because they are too happy. I am not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief: As I always say, living happier is about experiencing a wide range of emotions. It is about feeling the joy and the celebration and about experiencing grief and sadness. Life is a roller coaster, which means it is an exhilarating, exhausting, scary, fun, thrilling, nauseating ride. It is a ride. So yes, I might be experiencing pain in the upcoming months, so why does it follow that I shouldn't experience joy. In reality, preventing myself from feeling joy doesn't make the pain any less painful. It just means I didn't get the thrill of experiencing my joy.

There is No Such Thing as Get Fixed Quick.

Lately, many of my clients have been coming into my office after reading a self-help book of some kind. Sometimes these books have inspired my clients to change and seek help; sometimes, they have left them beaten down and disheartened because they can't seem to implement the steps that the book spells out.

In my opinion, one of the problems with self-help books is they tend to break it down into ten steps to change your life. When in reality, implementing one of those ten steps could take years. The problem with many pop psychology books and principles is that they make us believe in the get fixed quick principles.

Actual change takes awareness, persistence, desire, and time. It isn't something that happens overnight when you can just 'bam' start being more loving or caring or open.

The first goal of living happier is to embrace who you are and remember that you are a valuable, lovable, worthy period. You don't need to change to become a better person. Once you have fully embraced that you are lovable, the second goal is to then look at your life and see what is getting in your way of living happier.

Then pick one thing that you want to change. Maybe you desire to be less self-critical. First, you have to start catching yourself when you are self-critical. Because being self-critical has become something you do without thinking, you might just do an inventory at the end of the day so you can start bringing your self-critical tendencies into the light. Gradually, you start noting them down right after they happen; then, you start noticing what triggers your self-criticalness. Maybe it is your job or your lack of close relationships, or maybe you are tired all the time, or maybe it is just a habit.

Once you have built awareness around your self-critical tendencies, you can figure out:

• how often they occur,

• when they occur,

• why they occur.

Then you can start changing them. You can start catching yourself in the moment and replacing self-criticism with a loving thought about yourself or the situation. During this time, you may have days where you fall back into the pattern and beat yourself up all day, and you might have days where you are super loving to yourself. All part of the process. That is how change starts to happen. Then repeat that process daily over and over until, eventually, your self-critical tendencies become less.

It isn't an easy get fixed, quick concept--it isn't just like we can change our thoughts and feel better. We are human beings who are complex and messy. So give yourself a break. The goal of living happier is to just slowly, gradually implement principles that allow us to live a little happier than we were a month ago or a year ago. It is about paying attention to our lives, noticing how we feel, what we love about ourselves, what we might want to change, and giving ourselves the space to do that.

The Power of Our Thoughts

 I am constantly amazed at the power of our minds in shaping our emotions. However, I think the idea of just think happy, and it will be so, is oversimplified. We need to feel things, feel grief or anger, or betrayal. Putting on a happy face and ignoring any feelings of pain or anxiety isn't going to make us feel better in the long run. 

For today, I am talking about those days when we are just feeling in a funk or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. On these days, I do believe we can change our moods by changing our thoughts. We can, as they say, make lemonade out of lemons.

Yesterday, I was at the gym, and my trainer (who I love to death and thank her daily for whipping me into shape) had me doing this awful, and I do mean awful push-up, turning, abs, pilatesesque exercise. One of those "it hurts so bad it better be good for me" exercises. We were at the end of my workout, and I was done, I mean D.O.N.E.

For this exercise, I had to do five reps on each side, three sets in total. During the first set, after each side, I would put down the weights and just complain to my trainer about how much I hated this exercise, how much it hurt, and how hard it was. During the second set, I gave up complaining out loud and just voiced it in my head. Just going to town with how much I hated this exercise and how bad I was at it. On the last set, I was sick of myself complaining and said to my trainer, "Ok, I am just going to do it. I love this exercise, I am strong, and this is making me even stronger", and she said, "Yes, you can do it" and started cheering me on. Throughout the third set, I just kept saying to myself, "you are strong and getting stronger." 

Amazingly the last set was not only my best set form-wise, but I whipped through it with much less pain and effort. Now you could argue that it was my last set, and that is why I felt better, which might have something to do with it, but I honestly think it was my attitude. I felt lighter on the 3rd set, I felt more confident, and the exercise felt easier. I realized that my thoughts were dragging me down, making the exercise 1000 times harder than it already was, and when I finished, I thought, wow, it is incredible the difference your thoughts can make.

When I feel grumpy for no reason when I start paying attention to my inner dialogue, it's not positive. It is full of judgments about myself or just plain old negativity. When I switch those negative thoughts to positive ones, I feel better, my posture changes, my walk is lighter, I add a smile to my face, I honestly feel happier. All that it required was changing my thoughts. Sometimes life truly does hand us a bad batch of lemons, and there is no hope of getting any lemonade, and we do need to experience that pain and disappointment. We need to vent and feel sad. Sometimes life hands us what we perceive as sour lemons when if we look at them again, they are sprinkled with sugar, and we can make some wonderful lemonade by reframing the situation and changing our thoughts.

It’s Not About You

Frequently when someone spews negative energy at you, it is about them, not about you. It is very challenging not to take in what other people tell us, their negativity, their pain. I had that lesson taught to me multiple times yesterday.

My first lesson came early yesterday morning as I was walking my dog, Mocha. As we were walking, a woman was walking her dog across the street from us. I admit I wasn't paying attention, and as her dog began to bark at Mocha, Mocha lurched across the street, wanting to play with the other dog. Because I wasn't paying attention, I didn't pull Mocha back fast enough, and she headed out into the street. The woman began yelling at me, saying that I needed to control my dog (never mind that her dog started it with the barking, and Mocha is about as gentle as a down comforter, she merely wanted to play). As we walked away from the 'altercation,' I immediately started beating myself up, "I should have been paying attention. I should have tighter control of Mocha, blah, blah blah." Then I thought, ok, this woman is having a bad day. Yes, maybe I should have been paying attention, but her reaction did not fit the situation. So after a little mental chatting with myself, I moved on and enjoyed my walk with Mocha.

Then again, yesterday afternoon, I was chatting with a friend, and she was giving me advice about another relationship in my life. Her advice was unsolicited and also hit a strong nerve. She hit one of my hot buttons (that she didn't know about). That advice triggered a slew of negative messages that had been put there years ago through multiple experiences, people, and situations. I began to spin and spin on this advice which was more about her view of relationships (advice usually is more about the other person, which is why it is rarely helpful).

Fortunately, I called another friend who lovingly pointed out I was taking on the advice and allowing it to infiltrate my self-esteem, allowing it to trigger my negative thoughts and beliefs. With the help of this friend, I eventually was able to unhook the negative beliefs and had a wonderful evening.

We constantly receive messages that could cause us to spin, and that spinning becomes an almost comfortable habit. I admit pulling out the hammer and clubbing myself is a habit. It is my go-to response. I need awareness when I am activating that old habit. That awareness comes with the intention to change it, the action of reaching out to get help, and then perseverance to resist the old habit of going negative.

A few years ago, if advice from a friend had triggered a negative spin-off, I would have used that as a reason to hammer myself for the rest of the night, dragging out all my old negative stories and beliefs. I would have then drowned my sorrows in a bag of chocolate and bad TV. Fortunately, as I spiral up, I can unhook those beliefs

Shutting Off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends, and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives. We hadn't had time to get together for a while, so there was MUCH to catch up on. As we were talking, a common theme developed, which was the way we talk to ourselves. As my friend said, isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way, yet I talk to myself like that all the time.

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on." And if we aren't aware of it, that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone, and we just believe everything it says. We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way, yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain, beating us down.

Fortunately, my voice over the years has gotten quieter. I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with cameras in my house. Everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her and try to catch her before she gains too much influence. However, this week, my little voice has been out in full force, hammering away. I heard her talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down, but I didn't focus on her until last night at dinner. As I expressed how I felt and what I thought my friend was able to say, "whoa, what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum. What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full-blown attack on my self-esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice; some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice. I am not here to debate why it is here; I am here to decrease some of her power. So as with anything, it starts with awareness. We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first, we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language, or maybe we notice how we physically feel. I usually notice her because I feel more on edge. I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile. I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more irritable. For you, those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are. When your voice is talking to you, do you get sad? Scared? Angry? Feel tension in your neck? Your stomach? All those things will help you bring awareness to her. Once you know she is there; you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening, and for a time, she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long, and I had just let her run amuck. So today, I decided I need to take some action. I sat down, and I wrote two lists: one, all the things in my life I am grateful for, and two, all the things I love about myself and my life. WOW, what a great list! It was long and lovely. I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life, and I immediately felt better, and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you: start noticing that voice. Unfortunately, we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time, so you have to be vigilant. Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her. Don't let her run around in your head unchecked. Call her out. Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.

Letting Go of Guilt

Guilt fascinates me. It is such a powerful emotion, yet it serves no purpose. When we feel guilty, we aren't helping anyone, and we aren't accomplishing anything. We are just spinning our wheels. We justify actions (or non-actions) by feeling guilty about them.

For example, I have a client who wants to add working out into her life. About a month ago, she decided that morning was the best time to work out. She set her alarm an hour earlier so she could get up and go for a walk. However, she found that when her alarm would go off, she would hit snooze and then lay in bed for 2-3 minutes, debating getting up and working out. She would tell herself that she was 'fat and lazy for not getting up during this time. Eventually, she would tell herself that she didn't have time for a workout and would either stay in bed beating herself up and feeling guilty, or she would fall into a restless sleep.

I gave my client the assignment for one week to embrace whatever it was she was doing. So if her alarm went off 60 minutes early, she had to decide if she wanted to get up and work out OR if she wanted to sleep in. The catch was she COULD NOT lay in bed and debate it or feel guilty. She had to make a decision immediately and then follow through. If she decided to work out, she had to get up and work out, and if she decided to sleep, she had to sleep in and enjoy it. She couldn't just lay there as she had done in the past and spend the 60 minutes beating herself up for not working out. She either had to truly enjoy the 60 extra minutes of sleep or get up and work out.

She came back a week later and said that it was amazing how different her choices were. She was starting to learn to listen to herself and make intentional decisions. It wasn't that she got up every morning and worked out. Instead, she paid attention to herself, and when she needed more sleep, she let herself sleep in for 60 extra minutes, and when she wanted to work out but was just reluctant to do so, she pulled herself out of bed and took a walk. She realized that her decisions became more deliberate, and she started to let go of the guilt and the "shoulds." She started to live her life, spending her time intentionally and not unconsciously. (Actually, after a couple of weeks with this exercise, she realized that the morning wasn't the best time for her to add a workout routine, and she decided to add it in at lunchtime.)

Let's say that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, but there is a good show on TV. You have to decide: Do I want to clean the kitchen? Do I want to watch and enjoy the TV show? Do I want to record the TV show so I can watch it later? Because it is no longer an option to watch the TV show and not enjoy it because you feel guilty about not cleaning the kitchen.

Try it--I know it will make a big difference in your life!