What if I am?
Welcome to Day 4 of Week 2 in Spiral 2 of the Beliefs Theme. Today I am building on the theme from yesterday of believing there is a magic formula to heal us.
When we believe there is a magical solution, we try to cover up our flaws through hustling and striving. I believed that one day I would find a magical solution and be fixed, but in the meantime, while I was reading all the books, buying all the courses, and looking for the answers outside of myself I was also hustling and striving to keep up appearances that I was perfect or at least TRYING to be.
But no matter how hard I strived, my Monger was always winning and reminding me I was broken.
And then I found a phrase that helped me stop my Monger in her tracks while also reminding myself my humanity was ok:
What if I am?
I talked about this question on our first Day of Beliefs in Spiral 1. But it is such an amazing strategy I wanted to talk about it again in a different context.
I was constantly avoiding the parts of myself I disapproved of (I am too introverted, too intense, too curious), walling myself off and becoming more and more robotic. It was exhausting.
Things shifted when I finally started listening to myself—really listening. I realized maybe the answer was not out there; maybe I needed to start getting to know myself: warts and all.
When my Monger would start talking, I began using the phrase, "What if I am?"
My Monger would say, "You are so lazy! You SHOULD be pulling weeds rather than sitting on the couch." And I would ask myself, "What if I am lazy? Is that the worst thing in the world? Being lazy?"
At first, it was a little jarring—and to be honest, it still is—because internally, I gasp and tell myself: you can't be lazy; you can't admit that! You are a hard worker. You are the person everyone goes to get stuff done! What if your neighbors see how lazy you are?!
The truth is both are true: I am lazy sometimes, and I am a hard worker sometimes. When it comes to weeding, I am definitely lazy. My neighbors know that. And that's okay. If they want to judge me for my weedy lawn, that is on them. That is their wasted energy, not mine. So freeing.
I realized that my anxiety tells me that if I can't be lazy, I HAVE to be perfect, so I constantly push and hustle to make it appear that I am not lazy. But that is the same logic as my one-year-old neighbor who thinks I disappear when he closes his eyes. Just because you hustle doesn't make it not true.
When I ask a client, "What if you are lazy?" they look at me aghast. Then I follow it with, "that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. You are human. And from time to time, humans are lazy." Then they have the look of freedom come across their face, and they smile and say, "Yes, I am a bad mom sometimes, and I am also a fantastic mom." BOTH are true.
There is so much freedom in realizing you aren't broken. You aren't doing it wrong. You are human. Humans are complex. Humans are imperfect. Humans are messy. So let's be human together.
The next time you hear your Monger criticizing you, ask yourself, "What if I am?" and give yourself room to be human.
AND if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.