I Just Need the Right Hack
Welcome to Day 3, week 2 of Spiral 2 in the Beliefs theme. Today we are talking about the belief that there is a way to hack ourselves—we just need to find it. We look for a magic formula. A formula that maybe we haven't thought of or seen a prescription that we can easily follow to hack ourselves into happiness.
Now, I know that a magic formula doesn't exist, and yet, with all my being, I want it to be a reality. I want an easy answer, a magic wand, a formula for happiness.
My bookshelf is a testament to my search for the magic formula. Whenever I got scared, doubtful, or stressed, I would hightail it to the self-help section of my local bookstore, find an expert online, or attend a personal growth seminar to buy their magic formula. Eventually, I realized they didn't know the answer. They have tips and tricks that will help IF I implement them but I still needed to practice daily.
Like a workout app won't magically put you into good shape, a personal growth book/seminar won't either. Real personal growth requires daily intention and guidance from those who teach us that we have to love ourselves and trust ourselves rather than look for an easy answer.
The challenge is the quest gives me hope that I could quickly get out of my pain and suffering. But it also gave me a lot of unnecessary drama, angst, and disappointment (not to mention the loss of money).
The magic formula's quest kept me stuck in a cycle of shame and insecurity that looks like this.
A feeling of doubt and insecurity
Searching for someone somewhere to KNOW an easy way (the magic formula)
Finding someone who says they know and feeling hopeful
Attempt to do what they say but not feeling any easy, immediate relief
Shame and belittling myself so that I still don't feel any better, and now I am out more money.
Doubt and insecurity that once again, I did it WRONG
REPEAT.
After repeating this over and over ad nauseam and never getting an answer, the realization finally came: there is no magic formula. The answer lies within, and I need to start by trusting my inner wisdom and myself.
Again, we all KNOW logically there is no magic formula but giving up this quest is painful. Because within the quest is the belief that it is easy, we just need to hack a few things, and bammo, we will be healed!
Honestly, my life didn't start to shift until I allowed myself to mourn the loss of this quest.
Sounds strange, I know, but I can remember thinking with great disappointment, wait a minute—this is it? This is my life. If I let go for the magic formula, all I am left with is me, broken, imperfect me. I had to acknowledge my hope that the formula that existed wasn't serving me, and in fact, this quest was causing me more pain.
Now let me be clear, I would love the magic formula to exist. When I am filled with doubt and insecurity, the temptation is great to look externally for the answer, a new program, and a new book.
But now I lovingly remind myself:
"Sweet Pea, there is no magic formula outside of you. The secret is in you. What do you need right now?."
AND I give myself a period of mourning for the magic formula because there was an incredible high in the hope that someone else could tell me what to do. I give myself permission to feel that hope and then the loss of that hope and realize that I CAN figure this out; it will just take some practice. It is both a mix of sad and empowering.
The truth is the practice of building a loyal relationship with myself is much more juicy and exciting than trying to find perfection ever was. Having curiosity and kindness about my ideas and feelings helps me quiet the Monger, who encourages me to keep hustling and find the right hack.
I often say the work I do with clients is about breaking the habit of looking outside and instead turning inward. Once I turned inward and started building loyalty with myself, I was shocked at how wrong the Monger was; I am not broken; I am a complicated, fun, intelligent, and diverse individual.
You have the answers. We all need a little help in remembering that and implementing that concept. But this is why the values work you did a couple of weeks ago is so important. You can use your values to start getting to know yourself, being curious, and making decisions that are true to you.
I had one clarifier I wanted to say, Does this mean I never ask for help? HELL NO, I ask for help all the time. But I am much pickier about who my mentors are and what I ask from them. I make sure I get help from people who aren't selling magic formulas but instead are selling me to get back in touch with myself (hello, self loyalty!). I look for people who will help me with my practice of building self-loyalty, curiosity, and kindness.
And that’s what you did when you purchased self loyalty school—asked for help in creating a better relationship with yourself to quiet your anxiety. Nicely done!