Lesser Known Coping Skills
Welcome to Day 5, Week 2 in Spiral 2 of the Beliefs Theme —over the past 2 weeks, we have been looking at beliefs that lead to behaviors that keep us stuck in our anxiety. These beliefs encourage our Monger and or BFF to run the show. So far, we have discussed some common beliefs, perfection, people-pleasing, all-or-nothing thinking, etc. You probably have one or more of those beliefs causing some unhelpful behaviors. AND you probably have other more nuanced to you unhelpful coping skills.
Often we learn coping skills from our families growing up. I had a client, I will call her Robin. Robin was so kind and loving to her family and friends. But when her anxiety went high, and her Monger was talking, she would play the martyr. "I do EVERYTHING around here—no one helps me." It would be a common refrain. She would morph from a kind, intelligent woman to a passive-aggressive, pouty victim. She learned this behavior from her Mom, who also played the victim when she was overwhelmed. Robin noticed the behavior when her Mom came to visit and spent half the time pouting in her bedroom. Robin said to me, "Oh my gosh, this is AWFUL. I mean, how unhelpful is it to play the victim. I hate this behavior."
Here is where we tend to go wrong when we notice one of these beliefs—we beat ourselves up. Robin would get stuck in beating herself up, “Ugh I am such a loser, I can’t believe I do this too. It is so ridiculous!”
Beating ourselves up FEELS like it is doing something, but it is just keeping us stuck.
But just as we talked about yesterday—owning all of who you are is important. We can't change something we don't own.
Robin became determined to change the belief—that I do everything and no one helps me. The first step was to ask is it true? Is it true that no one helps her? It was a little true, mostly because Robin realized she had set it up that way. She rarely asked for help and often encouraged her husband to relax with the refrain of "I got this." Followed by “I don’t want him to suffer—I suffer better. Remember that one from Day 5 week 2 of Body. Ah yes, there is are 2 more beliefs —a good person does it all. And I can suffer better.
Her Mom also shared that belief—so again, she asked is this belief true? Is the belief a good person does it all true? Robin's Monger believed that was true, but Robin knew it wasn't.
But just because you know a belief isn't true—doesn't take away its power—but it does make it easier to take action when you notice that belief happening.
When Robin noticed the belief "I do everything—no one helps me." she practiced A.S.K.
When she started acknowledging her feelings, she had some insight—she felt frustrated and alone that her husband didn't offer to help more. She felt inferior about being a new Mom and guilty for thinking this way. She also felt distressed that she was just like her Mom! How awful is that!!
Slow down and Get into your Body—as Robin was rocking the baby, she felt her feet every time they hit the ground. She felt the baby's weight in her arms and slowly stretched her neck from left to right.
Kindly pull back to see the big picture. This is a process, she told herself. I am not my mother. I married a great supportive guy, and I need to communicate more with him about how I am feeling. AND I need to give myself more appreciation for all I am doing.
That last ah-ha that Robin had was dead on.
Often when we have the All I do is give give give, and all you do is take take take mentality, it is usually because one of 2 things is happening (or maybe both).
1. We believe, as Robin did, that A good person does it all. So we must start pulling apart that message—noticing when it comes into play, practicing A.S.K. And remembering it is OK to ask for help.
2. We aren't being kind to ourselves. Robin wanted appreciation for all she was doing, but she couldn't give that appreciation to herself.
SO that is where we started the work—Robin started building awareness of these two beliefs and started asking for help and appreciating what she did daily. This process was imperfect. There were days she would reach out to me, sharing how she was in full-on martyr mode, and she had been there for a couple of days and had no idea how to unhook it! AND there were times when she didn't notice she was in martyr mode until her husband or I pointed it out.
Regardless of how she noticed it when she did, she would practice A.S.K. to get in a place where Self-Loyalty and the Biggest Fan were running the show.
You may not have martyrdom as one of your beliefs—but I share this lesson not just to talk about martyrdom but to show the process of unhooking these beliefs. Self Loyalty works. It is imperfect and messy. It takes trial and error and do-overs. AND it is possible. Recently Robin reached out to share, that she falls into martyrdom far less these days—she has been working this belief for so long that she doesn't get too far down the rabbit hole before she catches herself. Over time because she has been working on the martyrdom, belief has become less comfortable for Robin.
As you start noticing your beliefs that lead to unhelpful coping skills, be kind and be curious about what is underneath that belief. That is how we make change, being kind to ourselves even when it seems impossible.