Safety of All or Nothing Thinking
Welcome to Day 2, Week 2 of Spiral 2 in the Beliefs Theme. Today, we are talking about how the belief there is a right way and a wrong way, also known as all or nothing thinking, keeps us stuck in a narrow view of the world.
We rationally know there is no one way to do anything; there is no "right way." Yet we spend our lives looking for it: the right way to drive, eat, work out, cook, do a project, trim a tree. You name it, and we can look for the right way. This myth leads us to a life of black-and-white thinking where there is an absolute right way and an absolute wrong way in all situations. Our Monger believes finding the right way will protect us from being attacked or criticized externally. One could argue that she is trying to help our anxiety by keeping us from being attacked—but in reality, it causes WAY more anxiety trying to do it perfectly every time.
Many of my 1-on-1 clients with High Functioning Anxiety live as if, at any moment, they are going to get in trouble. I know I struggle with that belief, and often my Monger reminds me I will be exposed for the fraud I am. It is only a matter of time.
All or nothing thinking is a trap. It convinces us it will be helpful, yet when we are obsessed with doing it right, our anxiety goes through the roof.
If we know all or nothing thinking is bad and expanding beyond that is good. Letting go of all or nothing thinking sounds easy enough?
But it is FAR from simple. For two reasons:
It isn't magic. We don't simply have the ah-ha that all or nothing thinking is bad, and poof, it is gone!
If we were raised with the constant fear of doing it wrong—probably because our parents also had that fear. Stopping all or nothing thinking can feel like learning to speak an entirely new language for some and downright panic-inducing for others.
I can remember wanting to break free of all or nothing thinking and being met with walls and walls of resistance, which would cause me to spin out even more because now I have anxiety, and the strategy to help my anxiety isn't working!!!
The first step is to notice when I am obsessing about a subject—obsessing leads to rigidity in thinking because I am looking for the right answer.
A very basic example that illustrates my point, I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for myself. Nothing fancy. No one was going to judge my sandwich as the best sandwich ever. But still, I noticed I was running around the kitchen like my hair was on fire. Because for me, 'the right way to make a sandwich is to make it with the most efficiency, the least number of steps or trips around the kitchen. So while making my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I was obsessing about doing it right. First, I grabbed the peanut butter and then the bread, but I realized I had forgotten the jelly which was in the fridge—closer to the peanut butter. "OH MY GOD. You are so inefficient. How could you forget the jelly—I mean peanut butter and JELLY is what it is called. Good grief, you are a mess." Yes, this is a true example of how my Monger commentates on EVERYTHING I do. And I bet yours does, too. You just might not notice it..every single time it is happening.
As all good perfectionists know, there is no winning. Even if we make the perfect sandwich by our standards, we will always find something wrong with it. As I said, efficiency is a "right way" measure for me.
When I go to the grocery store, I have a lot of rules on how to do it right. But even if I accomplish my task in the most efficient way possible, I still beat myself up for something. I never celebrate the win. Maybe I didn't pack the groceries in the car in an organized fashion, forgot to pick up the soap, or picked the slow checkout line. I always fail.
When we buy into this myth, we get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. One way to notice this myth playing out in your life is when you make if-then statements:
· If I don't go to the grocery store on the way home, then I am a bad mom.
· If I don't work late, then I will get fired.
· If I commit to a dinner date, then I will be stuck the whole night.
· If I don't work out today, then I will be out of shape forever.
As I mentioned earlier, the KEY to quieting those all-or-nothing statements is to do the K in A.S.K. K. Kindly Pull Back to see the big picture and challenge yourself to come up with as many options as possible. Even if they seem absurd, get in the practice of expanding the options.
For example:
If I don't go to the grocery store tonight,
Then I can go tomorrow after work,
or I can ask my partner to go, or I can bring a cooler to work, grab a few things during my lunch hour, and do the big shopping on Saturday.
If I don't work out today,
Then I can look at my schedule and find the best time to fit in a consistent workout. Maybe it would be best to do it in the morning, at lunch, or turn some of my regular work meetings into walking meetings.
So I know that when I get stuck in obsessing about finding the right way, the key component is loyalty. When I can give myself some loyalty and notice, whoa, you are stuck in black and white thinking here.
When I notice myself acting out of the belief that I will do it wrong, I give myself loyalty by repeating the mantra—what if you aren't destined to do it wrong?
Then I can start tugging at the messages that brought me to all or nothing, thinking and recognizing there's way more here than just the black and white should or shouldn't; there are many options.
And then I can start being intentional about how I want to do it. What's the choice that's best for me?
But the obsessing is doing no good for anyone. It is not helping us at all. So the more we can start building awareness around the obsessing, the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and getting stuck in our to-do list, the more we can loosen up the habit of all or nothing thinking.
Often, we're obsessing about the right way because we're afraid we're going to do it wrong. When I notice myself trying to find the right way–remind myself to be loyal and have my own back. I remind myself there is no right way and I know more than I think I do. AND changing this pattern is hard and that’s ok. Just because it is challenging doesn’t mean it is impossible one baby step at a time.