I Always Thought I Had to Change

My husband is an under-functioner. When he gets stressed, he tends to hide out, lay low, and not push himself, which is the opposite of my over-functioning. Usually, it works well for us; he pulls me to the center and vice versa. But when we are both stressed, he is under-functioning, and I am over-functioning. It can be messy. In the past, when this would be the case, My Monger would chime in, “You need to CALM DOWN. You are so intense. Ugh! You are too much.” The message was: I was the one that needed to change.

Recently we ran into this dynamic. My husband’s epilepsy had been active, and he was tired and worn down, and I had a long day with my Mom and had worked late to hit a work deadline. When I came downstairs from my office, I was in classic over-functioning mode, talking about work, bustling around the house, picking up and making plans for dinner. By contrast, my husband was sitting on the couch, scrolling on his phone, not interacting with me at all. 

Later I was cooking dinner, and my Monger chimed in with her usual message:  “You need to CALM DOWN. You are so intense. Ugh! You are too much. that I had to change.” And then my Biggest Fan chimed in; It is true the more you practice A.S.K. The more your biggest fan just shows up. What if neither of you had to change? What if you could both be exactly where you are? It was a revolutionary thought!! Right. What if we didn’t need to change? My mind was blown. 

I walked into the Living Room where Doug was lounging and said, “Wow. It sucks when we are both functioning at completely different ends of the energy spectrum.”

“I know. I am sorry,” Doug said “I will try to pump myself up to match your energy.”

“NO,” I replied, “What if we both just acknowledge it is hard to be at opposite spectrums, but I don’t have to change.”

“Ok,” he said, a bit skeptical. “Let’s try it. “

So we did. It turns out we had a lovely evening. I bustled around, making myself busy cooking dinner and cleaning up, and Doug was quiet in his own world, regrouping from his seizures. It was a slightly uncomfortable evening since we didn’t talk much, BUT I still consider it a win because we could accept each other where we were. 

I always thought I had to change. I had a list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. I spent most of my life beating myself up, for many behaviors that come naturally to me. I now see them  as more quirky and lovable rather than something that needs to be fixed. Not only does being honest about my personal preferences help me feel less shame, but it also helps me feel less anxious. The more I can be kind to my personal preferences and engage in them, the less my anxiety runs the show.

For example:

I love analyzing, I am endlessly curious, and I love asking questions. It can be A LOT, and I often felt shame for this tendency. Now I know it can be a lot, AND it is something I need. I try to find other people who like to explore things where I can share my curious self and also find ways to analyze, not with others, through my writing and reading.

Another one:

I need space. This is something I am still a work in progress in accepting. I do better work. I am better to myself and my loved ones when I have space. But I don’t always give it to myself. My Monger quickly chimes, “YOU SHOULD BE PRODUCTIVE. Space Please!?! That is just another word for wasting time”. But now I can see that as a lie. My Biggest Fan will remind me, “I know it is still uncomfortable to take time to let things percolate, but it does help you be more productive. You get your best ideas when you are giving yourself space.” Now I track how I feel when I give myself that time and space. Almost always, I feel refreshed and energized, full of more ideas and energy. 

I have developed a one sentence A.S.K. around this idea: “What if you don’t have to change here?” This is powerful because I always believed I had to change. That question gives me some wiggle room around the behaviors I am quick to judge. 

What are your I always thought I had to change behaviors? And how can you add some space to claim those pieces of you?  Feel free to try my one sentence A.S.K. What if you don’t have to change here? Or create your own.