Healthy Striving isn't Perfectionism Light

Welcome to Day 2, Week 2 of the theme Self Loyalty in Spiral three. Another term like acceptance and self-compassion that I struggled with for many years was healthy striving. I would hear the advice to try for healthy striving vs. perfectionism. 

My translation: just tone down your perfectionism, and it will be healthy striving. To me, healthy striving meant perfectionism light. 

Brené Brown defines the difference as: "Healthy Striving is self-focused (How can I improve?) and perfectionism is other-focused (what will they think?)." Ten years ago, when I heard this definition, I thought it confirmed my perfectionism light theory. In my mind, Brene was saying the same thing because I was improving to be a better person and please those around me. Self-focused just meant focusing on myself long enough to improve myself. And I always improved myself for others (I mean, why would I improve myself for me?)

The reason it didn't make sense? My Monger was still running the show. And she was telling me, “You are broken, and so you must constantly be improving yourself, so you will be accepted.” 

Basically, anything I was improving was to make someone else happy because I was too broken to think for myself.  It wasn't about loyalty to myself.  

But even after building self-loyalty, practicing A.S.K, and learning how to quiet my Monger and anxiety. This quest for healthy striving still was foreign to me. 

And so I got curious about what interested me, what made me laugh, even curious about what made me curious. I kept exploring to find what healthy striving could be for me. 

(Beat)

And then I made hamburgers. 

It all started because my husband grew up eating what he called "hockey pucks" for hamburgers. And I wanted to show him that there were other kinds.

 I wanted to make the juiciest burger possible, so I tried different types of meat, different cooking methods, temperatures, the size of the patty, various additions to the meat, etc. 

I even got curious about the science of it. It turns out that’s the part of cooking I love the most. What makes hamburgers dry out? Beyond hamburgers, when making mashed potatoes, should you add the fat or the dairy first to make moist mashed potatoes—it turns out that doesn't matter, but the trick is in the temperatures of the butter and milk. I'll let you google it. 

Initially, when we would sit down to eat our burgers, I would quiz my husband on what he thought of it, looking for his opinion to help my quest. But my husband, knowing that these questions could be landmines, was super cautious not to start a Monger spin-out.

His response would be, "yes, um, they are good? I don't know."

At first, this was frustrating, "NO," I would remind him, "This isn't a Monger thing. I really want to know what you think so I can make a better burger".

“Oh,” he replied hesitantly and would give me honest feedback about the taste and texture.

Over time this transitioned from a quest for Doug (who I realized really didn't care about the juiciest burger that much) to a quest for me. I wanted to improve my hamburger cooking skills for no reason other than to improve myself. Also, over time, Doug trusted me more that if a burger didn't taste good, my Monger wouldn't beat me up. It would just go into my further research on how to create a juicy burger for next time. I think this was the first time I ever wanted to improve something for myself—THIS is what Brene Brown was talking about. It was fun. Now I am not saying that the mistakes were fun or a joy. I still hated messing up, but mistakes are far easier to make when striving for a goal rather than hustling for worthiness. 

So yes, healthy striving is better than perfectionism, and no, it isn't perfectionism light. Healthy striving is taking action based on being loyal to yourself, your goals, and your values. My love of cooking was something I discovered through my self-loyalty journey. It was something that I didn’t realize I enjoyed until I started getting curious and being loyal to the areas I was curious about. 

It does help me to remember a few key elements of healthy striving:

1. Striving is more curious than demanding. When I hear my inner drill sergeant, Monger demanding I complete something, I ask myself where this task fits into my goals and values. 2. Striving doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Sometimes I fold laundry because I value my family, and other times rather than folding the laundry alone, I ask for help. Or I hire an expert to help me in my business reach a goal. 

3. Striving is not for anyone else but you. I may be doing a favor for my niece, but when I notice my Monger beating me up for not doing it correctly—that is perfectionism. Healthy striving is I want to do the best job possible for my niece, but I know perfectionism (or perfection light) doesn't exist. 

Striving is more about improving for the sake of the goal, not for the sake of my own worth. When my worthiness gets tied to it—I practice A.S.K. To bring myself back to what is most important.