I Miss My Monger
"I mean, um, Nancy, Well? is it possible? that I, uh, miss my Monger?”
"It feels strange not listening to my Monger."
"I don't know, it just feels like, you know, I mean, I can't describe it, but it's like I don't know who I am without her. I mean, I kind of miss my Monger and BFF. Is that normal?!”
These are a few words I have heard over the years from clients said with so much doubt and skepticism. But this is what happens when my clients start to build self-loyalty .How can I possibly miss something that has driven me crazy all these years!?!?! Well, just as I have missed exes who drove me crazy, I can miss my Monger.
It isn't crazy; it is totally understandable. We have had a relationship with this voice for most of our life, so of course, we will miss it. Not to mention that she brings a lot of drama and distraction into our life. As much as we hate it, it also served as a way to break out of the normal hum-drum of everyday life.
I know that as I have continued to build self-loyalty, I have felt lonely and frustrated without her. I have and continue to shape who I am without her as the primary voice in my life. My whole life, I have been criticized and belittled by this voice, and at first, in the first spiral, I believed I deserved her criticism. In the 2nd spiral, I started believing I was worthy of doing the work to quiet her criticism, and now in the 3rd spiral, I believe I am worthy. I just forget it from time to time because of habits and old programming, but when I do forget, I know how to practice A.S.K. And call in the Biggest Fan. In this third spiral, I struggle more with who I am without the Monger. Who am I if I don't need that voice? Who am I if I don't listen to that voice? Am I boring? Am I complacent? Am I a goody two shoes? Am I, too, something I haven't thought of yet? And the answer I keep coming back to is I am me. And now I can see that all those things my Monger told me not to be, aren't that bad.
When I miss my Monger or question who I am without her, the first thing I do is ….practice A.S.K because missing my Monger is all part of this process.
A. Acknowledge your Feelings: dissatisfied, disappointed, irritated, nervous, unsure
S Slow Down and Get into Your Body: I stop and freeze my body and challenge myself to stand up as straight as possible, tensing my legs and relaxing them, then my back, then my arms, then my shoulders.
K Kindly Pull Back to see the big picture. "Let's really look at the big picture. DID the Monger add to your life in any other way except pain and drama? No, she did not. I get it you romanticize her, but sweet pea, you are amazing and have learned so much about yourself.”
Next, I revisit my values when struggling with missing my Monger. I make sure my five values and their definitions still apply, and then I challenge myself to implement more of my values into my life. Every time I do this, it works. Humor is one of my values, so maybe I add in a funny movie night, or independence is one of my values, so I plan a solo getaway to relax and regroup. Or family is one of my values, so I schedule time with my family or friends who feel like family.
When I do that, I can reconnect with myself, rekindling the power of self-loyalty and getting to know myself without the Monger running the show.
This process takes time, but it is so important to normalize it. We tend to fall back on the Monger and beat ourselves up for missing her. Missing her is normal.
And I admit I am not militant; I occasionally let the BFF voice out to play giving myself an extra pint of ice cream or bingeing one too many episodes of The Crown.