Unfortunately, We All Have Limits

Welcome to day one of the Self Loyalty theme—this is the final time we will visit the theme of Self Loyalty in Self Loyalty School. 

Do you feel like your anxiety gets out of control often? I know this feeling well. And I know that it has to do with not being honest about my limits.

On the first day of the 2nd week of the Beliefs theme in Spiral three, in the lesson called The Ugly Behaviors of the BFF, I shared a story about a recent Christmas.

My niece was staying with us for the week, we were dog-sitting 2 of our friend's dogs, and it was the week before Christmas, so my to-do list was even longer. I was so anxious! And WAY over my limits. 

For some reason, I had told myself I would have LOTS of time to hang out with my niece, which I was looking forward to. I am bad at estimating how long something will take me because my Monger convinces me I am a machine and, therefore, I should have no needs or limits. I can go 100 mph without eating, resting, or going to the bathroom. Everything will go 100% as planned. There will be no snags or issues, and I will get everything done in record time. But we all know it NEVER goes like that. Wednesday, five days before Christmas, I told myself I should speak my needs, so after finishing dinner, I collapsed on the couch and said to my husband and niece, "Ok, you two are in charge of the dogs. I am done." 

“Yep, we got it!” They both said, and I smiled, happy that I had recognized my limits and spoken my needs. But 15 minutes later, I could hear a dog barking in the backyard, and no one moved. I knew from spending all week with the dogs that when he starts barking, he doesn't stop, and it doesn't take long before all the dogs start joining in. 

So I stood up to let the dogs in. “Don't you hear Kirby barking?!” I said as I walked to the back of the house. 

“I am sorry,” my husband said, “ thought he would stop. “I didn't hear him,” my niece said. 

And that's how it went all night, the dogs would need something, and my niece and my husband didn't move fast enough or do it right (according to some strange rule book in my mind.) I would jump up the minute the dogs made a move! And I remember my BFF going off on Doug and my niece because “they aren't pulling their weight. YOU have to do everything—thank GOD the dogs have you, or they would be miserable!" 

I eventually recognized my limits, which was hard enough, but I needed some help speaking my needs—more on that tomorrow. 

TODAY We are talking about recognizing limits, and clearly, last Christmas, I did not do a very good job. Luckily by some quirk of fate, I was able to have a do-over in February. My niece was in town, and the dogs stayed with us again. I didn't have the Christmas factor, but that gave me a chance to practice recognizing my limits in a less stressed environment. 

Here are the things I did differently.

1. I set the Stage. Part of what went wrong in December was I had unrealistic expectations and believed my Monger when she told me I was a machine. But this time, I reminded myself that the dogs staying with us add a lot of extra stress to my world; two more heartbeats are stressful. That doesn't make me less of a person. It is just a reality for me. What made it so much worse last time is I couldn't admit that I was stressed. So I set the Stage in February—this is stressful now what are we going to do about it? This is key if you have a big event—even if you think you will be fine. Set the Stage for what the realistic expectations are and be kind about the fact that there are limits.

2. Be curious. I know my stress responses: I have control issues—my mind telling me I got this is as automatic as breathing. So when I noticed myself jumping up to take care of everything and be super on top of everything, I challenged myself to slow down and get into my body. Then I was curious, are you ok?? Do you want to be doing this task right now, or do you feel you have no choice? Could you ask for help?

I also encouraged myself to be curious when I noticed my adrenaline rising, my heart racing, or me feeling more anxious. 

3. Recruit loved ones to help. I asked my niece and my husband to tell me if I was too controlling or jumped up to do everything.

4. Have a one-sentence A.S.K. At the ready. 

I practiced A.S.K. 

A. Acknowledge my feelings: frustrated, tense, worried, annoyed

S. Slow Down and Get into My Body: Stand up straight, pull my shoulders back, and stretch up to the ceiling. 

K. Kindly Slow Down and Get into Your Body: "You are not a machine; you are a human being, and part of what makes you so amazing is how much you want to take care of everyone. AND what your niece and the pups want is relaxed time with you. Plus, the pups feed on your energy—want relaxed pups? Be relaxed.” 

So I honed my one sentence A.S.K. "You have a better time, and everyone has a better time when you are relaxed. Slow down and ask for help. "

Throughout the week, I practiced recognizing my limits and slowing down using the one-sentence A.S.K. It went MUCH better. My anxiety was less, and I noticed it and took action when it got out of whack. But another reason the week went super well is I also asked for my needs. I will be sharing HOW I did that tomorrow.