How to Speak Our Needs
Yesterday I shared my growth when it came to recognizing my limits. And I mentioned that this was a key step in learning how to speak my needs.
Recognizing my limits was the biggest hurdle in learning how to speak my needs. Being honest that I had limits and therefore had needs was most of the battle for me.
Learning how to speak our needs is an act of self-loyalty and can dramatically decrease our anxiety which tends to kick into high gear when we are over our limits.
Before we start, I want to share speaking your needs is a subject that is vast and challenging and could use an entire class on its own. So know that today's lesson is just the tip of the iceberg.
To start, here are some unhealthy behaviors that people commonly use to get around speaking their needs.
Passive Aggressive: According to the Mayo Clinic, passive aggressive is “…a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them. There’s a disconnect between what a passive-aggressive person says and what he or she does.”
Years ago, I was really bad at saying no, so I would agree to do something even if I didn’t want to go and cancel last minute or not show up at all.
Keeping Score: When my husband and I got married, this was the only rule he had no keeping score because his first wife always did it. But I admit I did it that week before Christmas; I kept a running tally in my head of everything I did for the dogs so I could justify asking for help. Keeping score does no one any good. A common way this is used is one spouse keeps score on how often the other spouse has been out with her friends, so she can justify going out too. But remember, we never need to justify, prove or defend.
The Super Giver: I give and give and give seemingly without needs. I don't recognize that I have needs until I hit my wall, and then I am DONE, and everyone is shocked. This happened the week before Christmas—my I Got this turned into super giving. In a not good way.
Bait and Switch: I confess I am guilty of this one. When my husband and I first started dating, before he met all my friends. I was afraid he would say no to meeting my friends and they were dying to meet him. I said to him, “Hey do you want to go to a party this weekend?” and he said sure. It wasn’t until we were driving to the party that I told him it was an intimate party with just my closest friends.
Expecting a Mind Read: This also happens often in relationships, saying, "I'm fine" when I am not, and expecting my partner to pick up that something is wrong—then hinting through my tone of voice or veiled comments that I need someone to do something for me.
Shut Down and Pout: When mind reading goes wrong, and the need isn't met—I shut down and pout. This is the classic I tell my spouse "nothing is wrong, don't worry about it." Then I don't talk to him for another week.
The reason these are so important, as we learn from the unhealthy behaviors that we use to cope with our anxiety, we can use them to recognize when we have gone too far past our limits and need to speak up for ourselves.
None of these are wrong. They are just unhealthy coping skills we learned to express ourselves in an attempt to get our needs met without having to share them. Being direct with our needs is hard and not something we are taught as kids. Most of these behaviors we probably learned by seeing our family members doing them.
In Spiral 3, you probably can see yourself engaging in these unhealthy coping skills much easier than you could have in spiral 1—because with self-loyalty, you know you won't crumble by seeing something negative about yourself. You know that having unhealthy coping skills doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you human. To speak our needs requires us to take up space, be direct, and risk rejection. This is why self-loyalty is so important in speaking our needs.
So once I notice I'm over my limits, I need to ask for my needs. The key step here is to be specific.
Be Specific: The tendency is to be too vague and general when we talk about needs. I was way too vague in December when I told my niece and Doug, "I am done. YOU are in charge of the dogs." That was way too general. During my do-over in February, I was more specific. I said, "I need you to help me with the dogs. I am tired of letting them in and out, and I don't want them to bark outside, so if I hear them barking, I will ask you to let them in". And they both said, yes, absolutely!
By being so specific, I could share my standards for when to let them in—if they are barking, let them in, don't wait, and listen for them as much as I do. It was a win-win all around. I could rest without worrying the dogs would start barking, and they were able to help me, so I was less stressed.
But sometimes our loved ones aren't so agreeable, and there needs to be a negotiation. Meaning yes, they could say no. I used to get scared that the person could say no. But then I remembered they were just saying no to the request. They weren't saying no to me, so there is always room for negotiation.
In February, during my do-over, I told Doug I needed to sleep in and asked if he could get up with the dogs, walk them and feed them. My husband gets stressed that he is going to mess up the food of all 3 dogs, so he asked, "how about I get up with the dogs and walk them but could you feed them!?" And I said sure, or I could continue the negotiation. My husband wanted to help me, but he had his stresses. He said no to the request, not to me, which meant we could negotiate.
When our anxiety gets out of control because we are not honest about our limits, we need to learn how to take a step back, ask for what we need and negotiate in a self-loyal way.
AND if you have ANY thoughts, questions or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.