The Ugly Behaviors of the BFF
Welcome to Beliefs week 2 of spiral 3. When I sat down to write today's lesson, I looked at the curriculum outline—it read, "talk about how our BFF shows up being passive-aggressive, too controlling, or not taking responsibility." WOW, I thought, huh, I don't have a story to share from my life about doing that. I am drawing a complete blank, So I moved on to writing a different lesson.
A couple of days later, I came back to today's lesson and again thought ok—think of a time when you were passive-aggressive or too controlling. "Well, you KNOW you have one; I mean, you are certainly not perfect!!!" Screamed my Monger.
"I don't know—passive aggressive? REALLY!?!? I don't see you as passive-aggressive—controlling, yes but only when needed", cheered my BFF.
Again I was drawing a blank. I went downstairs and asked my husband, Do you have any examples of when I was manipulative or passive-aggressive—I need it for self-loyalty school. Knowing he was wading into shark-infested waters, my husband tried his best, "Well, what about how you would always insist that we spend the night at your house when we were dating because my roommates caused you anxiety? Well, that was less about your roommates causing me anxiety and more that the house was gross! That is a story about how I am a snob, not manipulative!! Ha!
I gave up and decided to procrastinate another day on this lesson.
Walking our dog, Watterson, the next day, I was thinking about this lesson. If I hit a block, I can usually work things out on our walks. Why is this so hard for me?! Every other lesson came easily, but this one was hard!! After we got home and I was handing Watterson his after-walk bone, I remembered the story my friend Stephanie had shared one day when we were both lamenting that our husbands under-function when they are stressed while we both over-function. "It is so funny," she told me, "I will come home stressed out from work and notice he hasn't emptied the dishwasher because he is watching a movie, so I will empty it—slamming dishes and making a big scene. As if he cares!? All I did was punish myself!!" Yes, I thought that is the story I will tell—Stephanie's Story. Later that morning, I told my husband —"hey, I figured out what I am going to do for that lesson—and I told him Stephanie's story. I mean, I guess I could use myself rather than Stephanie. I do that too."
"Really?! "My husband said. I said, "OH yes, I used to do it all the time. I would wake up feeling anxious, and you hadn't done the dishes from the night before so I would clean the whole kitchen out of spite. The whole time my BFF screaming, "He is such a slob! What would he do without you!?!" And then be pissed when you didn't fawn all over me with thank you and such." My husband laughed.
"Yes, I also have the behavior that I just keep taking on more and more when I am overwhelmed—remember the week before Christmas when our niece was visiting, we were dog sitting two dogs, and I was so anxious! But I just kept doing more and more!.. Yep, he laughed—you would sit down and say I am done—you are in charge of the dogs, and then you would jump up the minute they made a move! Yes, I said because you wouldn't do it right!! And I remember my BFF going off on Doug and my niece because 'they aren't pulling their weight YOU have to do everything—thank GOD the dogs have you or they would be miserable!" We both laughed.
As I turned to walk upstairs, I said, "The point of this lesson is that our BFF keeps us from seeing our negative coping skills and convinces us we are fine and THEY are broken. That is why it has been so hard for me to write this lesson—she was protecting me from seeing my negative traits! Isn't it interesting that I had to see the story through Stephanie's eyes before I could admit that I, too, do that behavior!?!" THAT Is what I am going to write about!!!
The BFF is strong. She is as strong as the Monger—we just don't recognize her as easily because she feels so good. Her petty judgment of others makes us feel better for a moment, but it always comes back to bite us in the butt.
The BFF pulls us away from our loved ones. When my anxiety is high, my BFF turns my husband into the enemy—it is HIS fault for everything. This is exhausting—I talked about this in spiral two week 2 day 5 of the beliefs theme with my client whose BFF would encourage her to play the martyr and give her husband the silent treatment when her anxiety was high!! But it isn't about beating yourself up for these behaviors.
1. These 'ugly behaviors' that our BFF engages in, passive-aggressive, controlling, manipulation, and taking on too, are just unhealthy coping behaviors we have learned to cope with our anxiety. So the faster we see these behaviors, the quicker we can practice A.S.K. And quiet our anxiety.
2. Seeing these ugly behaviors and treating them with kindness rather than judgment allows us to build more self-loyalty.
This week pay attention to your well-intentioned but slightly misguided BFF coming to protect you.
Ok, I will see you tomorrow.