It's Not All About You

I often remind myself, “It’s not all about you.” Not because I am self-centered or a narcissist but because my anxiety and, more specifically, my Monger convinces me that I am always doing it wrong. This belief is very common in anxiety, so today, I am sharing two ways I loosen up the belief that I am doing it wrong. 

 One of the most freeing realizations I ever had was everyone has a Monger and a BFF, for that matter. As I started to see my Monger and learn to quiet her, I also started to see other people’s Monger. 

I moved into my house almost twenty years ago, and my next-door neighbor invited me to join her book club. The suburb I live in is tiny and full of people who grew up here, moved away for college, and returned to raise their kids. It was hard to break into the community, and I was grateful my neighbor took me under her wing. Everyone at the book club had moved into the community, so we became fast friends. But my Monger told me, “They are so much cooler than you; you will never be as hip as them.” And, of course, I believed her. Whenever I gathered with these women, my anxiety would go through the roof, believing they would judge me and were better than me. 

Fast forward to a few years ago, having drinks with one of the women from the book club, Amy. She shared how insecure she was around me because I was always doing something fun and new. Ironically, my Monger was always beating ME up for how I could stick with one thing and was always doing something new. But Amy said, “To use your language, I guess I have a really loud Monger, and she chats all the time.” 

OH MY GOD, Here was Amy, a person I had put on a pedestal as cool and hip and having it all together, feeling insecure around me. AND quoting my book back to me. Something that I thought was too hip and cool for her to read. Similar to the ah-ha I had with Sara in the cabin in the woods that night, in the story, I shared with you in the body theme of Spiral 3. I realized everyone has a Monger. So now, when I feel insecure sitting at the book club, I look around at the ladies and notice the subtle ways their Mongers show up. Amy plays with her hair, Mindy spends all her time waiting on people, and Tina talks and talks. Not as a way to criticize them but as a way to bring kindness to them. The louder my Monger talks, the more I pull away. When I recognize, oh wait, we all have a Monger and bring kindness to the situation. I am more likely to lean in and engage. 

But this works in other ways. 

When I hang up the phone after talking to a cranky customer service representative, I remind myself he has a Monger too. And his Monger might be criticizing him for falling behind on the phone calls. 

When my brother is harsh with me as we discuss family matters, I remind myself he has a Monger that is beating him up for not being better. 

When my friend is particularly drama filled about a situation with her husband, I remember she has a Monger hammering her for not being a better wife. 

The 2nd tip comes from my mom. It was a piece of advice she gave me when I was in high school: when someone does something that triggers your Monger and makes you think, what did I do wrong? Think of 3 reasons they might be doing it that have nothing to do with you. 

For example, my friend isn’t as talkative as she normally is on the phone. My first response might be to assume she is angry with me or doesn’t want to talk to me. 

 However, it could be:

1. She is multi-tasking

2. She is having a bad day and doesn’t want to talk.

3. She is distracted by something outside. 

 The cool thing about this trick is that it immediately removes the focus from believing that you did something wrong. So, by coming up with the three reasons, we allow our mind to be open to other possibilities for the behavior.

 A few years ago, I heard this story, which illustrated the idea that we never know what is happening with other people.

 A father is on the subway, and his children are running around screaming and yelling. He is doing nothing. The father just sits there looking down at the subway floor, completely ignoring his kids. The man sitting next to the father is annoyed: How can he just let his kids run around like monkeys? Why isn’t he disciplining them? He is a neglectful parent. Finally, the father turns to the guy next to him and says, “We just left the hospital. Their mother just died, and I don’t think they know how to handle it. I don’t know how I am going to handle it.” Immediately, the guy next to him experiences compassion. His first response was judgment; it never occurred to him to think of other possible explanations. 

We tend to make it about ourselves (when our Monger is running the show) or judge others (when our BFF is running it). Remind yourself that everyone has a Monger, or to ask what are three reasons someone is acting like this?