I Will Screw Up My Kids

"I am just so afraid I will screw up my kids." My client, let's call her Maggie, lamented. 

“Of course, you will. I replied, “You are going to screw up your kids. You are an imperfect person raising imperfect people—all part of the human condition." I said it a little tongue and cheek because this client had been working with me for a while. I assumed I was just reminding her of something she already knew, and she would think right and get a little chuckle out of it. But I was wrong. My client sent me a voice note later that day, "Thanks for your message, and I knew you were right that I was going to screw up my kids. I mean, I KNEW that, but to hear you say it just hit me hard, and I sat in the parking lot and cried. Because that sucks, that reality sucks."

That day my client reminded me that, just as we do in Self Loyalty School as humans, we revisit concepts over and over and over. The hope is that each time we revisit, we spiral deeper into the practice of self-loyalty. In the past, my client would have heard that statement, and Her Monger would have taken over, "right, you should know that. Of course, you will screw up your kids, duh." And she would have moved on with her day, not acknowledging the feelings attached to the fact that her children would be hurt by her one day. Her Monger would protect her from acknowledging the painful reality that there is no way to parent perfectly. As a result, Maggie would strive to be perfect because even though she told herself she knew that she would screw up her kids in her heart, Maggie still believed she could raise them perfectly and avoid the pain of hurting her kids. 

But that day sitting in her car, waiting to pick up her daughter at day care—Maggie had the self-loyalty to acknowledge her feelings, to allow herself to go deeper and say yes, you are right, this is a painful part of parenting. 

Later Maggie told me, "You know what is so amazing about allowing that ah-ha that yes, I would cause my kids' pain like my Mom caused me. It took the pressure off. Now I can acknowledge to my kids when I mess up and how I fixed it. Rather than always trying to make it look perfect, which causes so much anxiety!" Yes! I said to Maggie. 

She had put together why self-loyalty is so important. More than anything, Maggie didn't want her kids to feel the way she felt growing up, like she was crazy for seeing all the pain and suffering. Maggie's childhood was similar to the snake story I shared in Spiral One. And now that she has self-loyalty, she can refocus on the goal—owning her mistakes and how she fixes them, which will go a long way in helping her kids feel seen and acknowledged, the complete opposite of the little girl in the snake story. Not to mention feeling less anxious, which also makes her a more calm, present parent. 

As much as I am sharing self-loyalty lesson with you, I am sharing it with myself. It has reminded me how easy it is for me not to give myself permission to acknowledge the painful realities of life. But when I can acknowledge the pain and accept the reality, my unhealthy coping skills are less, and my anxiety is less. 

This lesson applies whether you are a parent or not. It is about the power of self-loyalty and how it spreads out into places in my life I didn't know needed attention. Places in my life that I had accepted as "good enough" become richer and easier to navigate because I am not working against myself anymore trying to protect myself from pain. Maggie reminded me that even when we think we have a concept, there is always another part of our life that can be touched by self-loyalty.