Role of Our Families
Welcome So far, we have talked about the 3 layers of HFA and why Self Loyalty is the key to quieting our HFA. Today I want to talk about how HFA shows up and the role our upbringing plays,
Many years ago, I was attending a conference on childhood trauma at the local convention center. It was one of those large auditoriums where the temperature is 5 degrees colder than it should be. I had challenged myself to sit at one of the front rows, and the expert on Childhood Trauma was illustrating how we learn at a young age not to trust ourselves.
She told the story of a child, Amanda, who was playing in the living room when she saw a snake. Amanda was scared and ran to her mother to share the news. Her mother was on the phone and didn't have time to deal with Amanda's craziness. Her Mom briefly puts her call on hold and listened impatiently as Amanda told her about the snake and her fear. Amanda's mother dismisses Amanda and tells her to go back to the living room and play. She says to Amanda, "I have never seen a snake in the house. I am sure everything is fine. You are just overreacting. I need you to be quiet and play. Go play to the living room!" Amanda decides she must be wrong and heads back to the living room to continue to play even though the snake is still there. (Wisely, she moves to the other side of the living room.)
Sitting in that conference room, I couldn't stop thinking about this story. I was stuck on it. The first reason: Why would there even be a snake in the living room? The second reason was that this story showed me why it was easy for me to dismiss my own experiences.
So I decided to write the snake story but with an alternative ending if Amanda was raised by an attentive Mom.
Amanda was playing in the living room when she saw a snake. Amanda was scared and ran to her mother to share the news. When her mother heard the news, she said, "Oh my goodness, thanks for telling me. Let's go check it out." She quickly told the person on the phone she would call them back and then followed Amanda into the Living Room to see the snake. She removed the snake and gave Amanda a hug telling her that she was safe and there was nothing to be worried about. The lesson learned here is: you matter, and your thoughts, needs, and feelings matter.
"With my alternative ending, this snake story had a new meaning for me. And knowing my own upbringing, and after listening to hundreds of clients share stories of their own, the story of Amanda and her inattentive Mom rings true.
Can you relate?"
I want to give an important side note before I dive into family stuff: I am not blaming parents. This isn't about blame. It is about understanding where the breakdown in Self Loyalty happened and how to repair it. Our parents did the best they could with what they had, and they were imperfect people raising imperfect people.
Here are some common traits of the family's my clients were raised in:
There was a strong sense of right and wrong and punishment and reward.
A strong emphasis on appearances and looking good to the outside world.
Loyalty to the family was super important. Keeping family secrets, honoring family ideals. The family was important. This is why you have a high loyalty value.
Sometimes loyalty to the family was so important that even as adults, we can't see the unhealthy ways we were taught. I can remember saying. I was raised in such an amazing family—why am I so neurotic? I said this until my mid-30s, when I finally started seeing that my family wasn't all that. We weren't perfect. There were a lot of flaws. If you are hearing this and thinking that isn't my family, we were amazing. That might be true, and I encourage you to keep listening.
Clients have told me, "I remember as soon as I walked in the house, I would start 'reading the house' to see what I needed to do to help." They will describe walking on eggshells in the house because there was a sense of instability and emotional upheaval.
Think about your upbringing. Did you ever feel like your needs didn't matter? Or that others' needs were more important?
In my childhood experience, this emotional upheaval led to feelings of anxiety and grief and feeling out of control, but because it was emotionally unsafe, I couldn't talk about my feelings. So I shoved them down and 'soldiered on' and 'practiced gratitude' and 'being positive' so I could get through it. Eventually cutting myself off almost completely from any negative feelings.
As you grew up, you learned that one way to get positive attention was through achieving, the more you succeeded, the more attention you received, and the bonus the busier you were the less you had to deal with the emotional upheaval.
So here we have 3 things that we learned about on day 2 about the components of High Functioning Anxiety The actual anxiety (caused by not being able to relax, being raised in a house where you walked on eggshells, and emotional upheaval) 2. Unhealthy coping skills (overachieving, hustling, pushing down negative feelings, and people-pleasing. 3. The secretiveness; the lack of emotional support and the lesson from an early age that self-loyalty is not as important as loyalty to others.
These factors create the perfect storm for someone with High Functioning Anxiety–much of our work together in the coming weeks will be to re-program ourselves to be aware of and more comfortable with negative emotions. Seeing where we came from and WHY we do what we do can be helpful and it isn't the whole picture. Our past might have had something to do with why we are High Functioning Anxiety but we can only change these patterns moving forward. And that is what we are going to do. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about one of the characters in your head The Monger.
See you tomorrow!