Toxic Positivity

Years ago, when I first started counseling, I was a big proponent of thinking positive. I believed in the power of positivity. Even when my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's with Dementia, I dug deep to find the silver lining. Well, at least we found it early, or we can research it and build our battle plan, I would say to myself. No sadness, no anger, just push on, soldier on, buck up, and think positive. It started showing up in other areas, too; my relationships started to suffer because I couldn't handle anything 'negative.' It is hard to have real relationships when you are a 'high vibes-only person.' It left me feeling disconnected, disenfranchised, and frankly bitter.

Positive thinking felt great initially, but over time, it left me feeling empty and cut off from myself. Now I know positive thinking is toxic for those of us with HFA. High Functioning Anxiety is rooted in the belief that we are flawed and unworthy.

As a coping mechanism for my anxiety, I walled off the "unpleasant parts" of myself.

I LOVED the power of positive thinking because it gave me permission to avoid the parts of myself that were not acceptable. As a result, positive thinking is something I took a little too far.

Martin Seligman, the founder of the Positive Psychology movement, talked about shifting the focus away from a disease model and pathology. Sounds good, right? Focus on the positive. The problem is his movement went from one extreme to another-- happiness became the new holy grail.

The Positive Psychology movement began devoting time and energy to research, which showed the positive effects of changing your thoughts and being more positive. We now know that much of that research was not replicable and was peer-reviewed by people who shared the same beliefs. So a bit of groupthink was happening in the Positive Psychology world.

The idea of 'being more positive is that you will achieve more goals, be more productive and feel better if you are positive. Much of the research measured the immediate results of changing your thoughts from positive to negative.

One morning Doug and I are arguing about the household chores and who is doing more, and I leave the house in a huff. On my way to my office, in the spirit of positive thinking, I start naming all the things I am feeling positive about at the moment, saying to myself, "He is a kind man who makes me laugh, loves my family, and supports my work." I do feel better initially. I mean, who wouldn't? I am thinking warm, fuzzy thoughts. And they are true thoughts, but they avoid what is happening. Much of the positive psychology research is studying this immediate, initial, positive response. I do feel happier at the moment.

The issue is later—long-term. One week, four weeks or six months later when I still haven't dealt with this problem. When I am more frustrated than ever at Doug's lack of help and/or appreciation when I have stuffed down all those negative emotions to feel positive, will I be less anxious? I found the answer to be no, as do many of my clients.

In a study of more than 1,300 adults published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that subjects who avoided negative emotions were more likely to have symptoms of mood disorders, such as anxiety and depression, six months later compared with those who embraced their negative emotions.

Lead researcher Professor Brett Ford: "It turns out that how we approach our own negative emotional reactions is really important for our overall well-being. People who accept these emotions without judging or trying to change them are able to cope with their stress more successfully."

In fact, he goes on to say, "Maybe if you have an accepting attitude toward negative emotions, you're not giving them as much attention," speculates Prof. Mauss. "And perhaps, if you're constantly judging your emotions, the negativity can pile up."

We are human beings, and the goal is to experience a wide range of emotions. Suppressing our emotions means we can't accurately assess our experiences. If we can't learn from the lows, we can't enjoy the highs either. I am beyond grateful that I learned this lesson early on in my Dad's Parkinson's diagnosis. Our relationship grew after his diagnosis because I could show up for all of it, the good and the bad. I wasn't forcing myself to think positive, and so I didn't have to force him to either. We could just be there together in a hard, exhausting situation.

Secondly, so-called negative emotions are warning lights — they alert us to potential issues or dangers. They grab our attention so we can focus on what we need to change or solve.

Let's go back to the argument with Doug—what if, rather than hopping in the car and immediately trying to change my thoughts to the positive, I practiced A.S.K.

Acknowledge what I am feelings: you acknowledged what you are feeling: seething, annoyed, hurt, unsure,

Slow Down and Get into your Body: Sitting in my car, I sway my upper body from side to side and feel my hands on the steering wheel.

Kindly Pull Back To See the Big Picture: Doug loves and supports me, and lately, he hasn't been helping much around the house. I don't want to henpeck him, so we need to figure out a way—he has asked for a list, and I have always resisted that. But maybe I need to create a list temporarily so he can see all the things needed to do around the house. We can talk tonight.

So later that night, when I arrived home, I was much calmer, and Doug gave me a big hug and apologized when I walked through the door. And we were able to chat and solve the problem.

I want to share one of my favorite books on this subject, written by Oliver Burkeman, entitled: The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking.

Burkeman writes in The Guardian: {research] points to an alternative approach [to happiness]: a 'negative path' to happiness that entails taking a radically different stance towards those things most of us spend our lives trying hard to avoid. This involves learning to enjoy uncertainty, embracing insecurity, and becoming familiar with failure. To be less anxious, it turns out we need to be willing to experience more negative emotions – or, at the very least, to stop running quite so hard from them.

This week I challenge you to notice your bent towards positivity and how it keeps you out of your feelings.