The Tentacles of Feelings
Welcome to Day 4, Week 2, Spiral 3 Of the theme feelings.
For me, the hardest parts of life are when we have ongoing situations that bring up lots of feelings—these feelings tentacle into all parts of our life.
Years ago, in my early 30s, a relationship had just ended with a guy that I really liked, I was grieving the loss of a close family friend who had suddenly died, and my best friend had just moved to a different state. A lot was going on in my life, and even though my anxiety was high, if you asked me, I was ‘fine,’ just ‘fine.’ There was no self-care—no acknowledging of feelings—no healthy living. This was a time in my life when life was so messy, and as a result, I had many messy feelings that I was not acknowledging but were like tentacles into all areas of my life. Because my feelings were so overwhelming, I couldn’t concentrate on work, so I spent much of the day just squeaking by doing the bare minimum, drinking caffeine, and praying for the end of the day. At night I was usually out with friends drinking excessively and overanalyzing all areas of my life. Part of why I loved drinking is it allowed me to feel—when I drank enough alcohol, my guard would go down, and I would have a release of feelings. I often ended the night in a heap of tears crying uncontrollably about a smoke screen; remember those? We talked about them in Spiral 1. I had made up that made feeling sad justifiable in my alcohol-soaked brain. This warped form of acknowledgment was enough to provide a release and then rinse and repeat. Anyone looking in would have seen me as a successful, independent woman, who owned her own home, worked a respectable job, and had a robust social life. But in reality, anxiety consumed my life.
I will often say to clients feelings have tentacles meaning if we don’t acknowledge them, they tentacle out into all areas of our lives and stir things up. During this time of upheaval, I was dealing with a lot of grief, sadness, unworthiness, doubt, insecurity, and loneliness. Those feelings permeated my work, relationships, and my day-to-day life—not in a healthy way.
Fast forward to an equally anxious time. In my early 40s, I was caregiving for my Dad with his Parkinson’s with Dementia, supporting my Mom as she was losing her husband, and looking after my husband, whose epilepsy had become more active. I was overwhelmed and full of anxiety—the tentacles of feelings infiltrated my work as a therapist, making it hard to concentrate and listen; I stopped reaching out to friends because I was so overwhelmed, and my Monger was LOUD on the regular. The difference is this time, I recognized that I needed to acknowledge my feelings. I would regularly pause and ask myself what I was feeling and give myself permission to have that feeling,
Acknowledging our feelings doesn’t prevent them from tentacling into other areas of our lives—BUT it does prevent us from going too far down the rabbit hole. Here are some differences between my 30s and my 40s.
In my 30s, I acknowledged my feelings if I was drinking alcohol, but they were usually misdirected—crying about something small or picking a fight to release some frustration I was feeling—there was no acknowledgment of what I was doing. In my 40s, when I noticed myself picking a fight with my husband to stir up some drama and release some frustration. I would recognize what I was doing and lovingly remind myself that feelings are a 100% natural part of being human, and acknowledging them helps manage my anxiety.
In my 30s, I pushed my feelings down as far as possible and regularly reminded myself that strong people don’t have feelings. In my 40s, I don’t enjoy feelings and still wish I could push them down, AND I know the power of their tentacles, so acknowledging them is the key to decreasing my anxiety.
In my 40s, I still have anxiety and a more grounded, genuine, loyal life. Anxiety doesn’t run the show as often. I am in control of my feelings and my anxiety. My feelings still tentacle into my life, but I can recognize them much faster than I could in my 30s because my feelings don’t scare me (as much! Ha!) as they did in my 30s. Alcohol is no longer an anxiety coping mechanism but something I occasionally enjoy with friends.
Pay attention to how your feelings tentacle into other areas of your life.
And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.