THEY Aren't Supportive of My Feelings

Recently a client said to me, "I think most of the time when I am complaining about someone else not giving me a break or being too hard on me, it is because I haven't given myself a break. It isn't about them.”

She shared how she was so overwhelmed lately—her Mom had recently fallen and needed extra help, and she repeatedly kept getting frustrated with her husband. Can't he see how overwhelmed I am? I mean, he needs to back off!! But then I realized he wasn't hammering me—He was being as kind and helpful as possible I couldn't take it in because I was beating myself up so much. I kept telling myself I SHOULD be able to do this better. Or this SHOULDN'T be so hard—I see now it is my Monger hammering me, not my husband. 

Her husband was not the cause of her overwhelm; she was. Whenever we start noticing our frustration at others' building, the first place is to start with ourselves.

These are a few laments I have said over the years.

"I am so tired of not being heard!" Am I, Nancy, listening to myself, or am I ignoring my Biggest Fan asking for a break?  

"I am so tired of no one appreciating what I am doing" Do I appreciate all I am doing or do I keep hammering myself to get more done?

"I wish everyone would back off—I can only do so much!" Am I supporting myself and being kind to all that is going on, or am I telling myself how I must keep up with everyone's needs, spoken or unspoken?

I do it all the time, look to others to give me what I am not giving myself. 

I want others to appreciate me, but I don't appreciate myself. I want others to listen to me, but I don't listen to myself. I want others to love my body, but I HATE my body. I want others to give me a break when the last thing I ever give myself is some love and kindness.

Can you relate?

As my husband and I walked from the garage to the house, we commented on the number of weeds in the yard, and I promised I would pull them. A few days passed, and I hadn't pulled a single weed! 

Of course, My Monger jumped in to tell me, "You are so lazy! I can't believe you haven't pulled the weeds yet. And your husband thinks you are a complete lazy loser." 

And then my BFF jumped, don't worry about it —look at all the stuff your husband drops the ball on! He needs to back off!!  

My BFF and Monger spent much of the week engaging in a WWE-style match. My Monger commented on how lazy I was and how my husband was judging me, and my BFF blamed him for his non-support. My anxiety was through the roof by the end of the week. 

For the record, all the time my Monger was beating me up for not pulling the weeds, my husband NEVER mentioned the weeds or the garden—all the anxiety and self-doubt I felt was purely brought on by myself!!

Finally, after spending the whole week procrastinating, the morning came, and I had a plan to weed. As I headed out to the garden, I said to my husband, "I am headed outside to finally pull those weeds I promised I would last weekend. Sorry I didn't get to it earlier. I know it has probably been driving you crazy". 

My husband looked at me, completely confused, "What weeds?! he said. I didn't even notice that you hadn't done it." 

Good Grief!! I had been beating myself up for days about the weeds, and my Monger had told me what a terrible person I was and how annoyed my husband was at me about it. I had built this HUGE story in my head that my husband was annoyed about the weeds and was upset that I hadn't pulled them when I said I would do it seven days before. And in reality, he didn't even notice I hadn't done what I said I would. He wasn't monitoring me or my weed-pulling! I WAS the one who was beating myself. I was the one whose anxiety was high because I was so worried about the weeds. Had I practiced A.S.K., the outcome would have been different:

Acknowledge what you are feeling: annoyed at myself for not pulling the weeds yet, guilty, remorseful, uptight, irritated. 

Slow Down and Get into your Body--Ironically, I could have gone out and pulled some weeds to get into my body! But I would have bent my arms at the elbows and pulled them to my side, hands outstretched, fingers pointing to the sky, and pulled my arms backward to give my back a nice stretch. 

K Kindly Pull Back and See the Big Picture: My Biggest Fan would have reminded me, "They are just weeds, Sweet pea. In the big scheme of life, they do not matter. And you have so many feelings of remorse and guilt. Let's honor those feelings, take 15 minutes today and make a dent in them. Maybe you will feel better if you just do a little bit of them each day.” 

My Monger is tough--so tough that I will take her voice and project it onto someone else. The only way around that is to practice A.S.K. and acknowledge all of my messy feelings. THEN I can be honest with myself and stop blaming those around me. Ha!

Is there a place in your life where you are looking to others to give you want you aren't giving to yourself? Practice A.S.K. around that situation and see if you can find a way to give yourself what you need.

And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.