A Deep Dive Into Feelings
Welcome to the Feelings theme in Spiral 3. This is the last time we will be visiting the feelings theme in self-loyalty school. Feelings truly are the crux of building self-loyalty because:
1. Anxiety often comes from feelings we aren't acknowledging.
2. Feelings give us insight into our internal worlds; by acknowledging them, we build a more loyal relationship with ourselves and quiet our anxiety.
Recently my husband and I were driving to a cookout to celebrate a dear family friend's 90th birthday. I noticed my anxiety was high, my thoughts were jumping, and I couldn't relax.
God, I hate feeling this way, I thought.
And then I heard my Monger, Why is everything SO hard for you? Why can't you relax and have a good time? But noooooo, you are so uptight! Ugh!
Wanting to fix myself is often my first response to my anxiety—if I were better, I wouldn't have the anxiety.
But I quickly caught myself with that line of thought-ok my Biggest Fan said, you know, practicing A.S.K. That is what helps.
I know my feelings; I don't need to acknowledge them—I feel overwhelmed and stressed. Blah, blah, blah. My BFF said
I naturally resist acknowledging my feelings, so sometimes, when my anxiety is exceptionally high, I swim around the shallow end of feelings—naming the 'catch-all feelings' such as upset, stressed, annoyed, or overwhelmed rather than challenging myself to pull out the feelings sheet and name 8-10 actual feelings. But getting specific requires diving down deeper under the surface and acknowledging my true experience—acknowledging my feelings.
Ok, really get in there—what are you feeling? I mixed things up a bit and tried the Slow Down and Get Into Your Body first, and since I was in the car, I couldn't get into my body, so I practiced the senses meditation. What do I see? I looked around at the sky and the cars in front of me. What do I hear? The radio, our car, and the other cars passing us. What do I feel? My butt in the seat, the cool air blowing on my face from the a/c, my hands on the steering wheel. I felt calmer already. Ok, let's try it again. Acknowledge what you are feeling:
Nervous about chatting with people at the cookout—will Doug have a good time? Will I know anybody? I am also nervous that my Mom, with her dementia, will say something weird, and everyone will know she is sick.
Even though I had slowed down and gotten into my body already, I quickly looked around the sky and took some deep breaths. Yep, it is hard to feel so nervous. My Biggest Fan stepped in. "COVID has increased your social anxiety, and that sucks. It is SO hard to feel anxious before every social event, but it will get easier and better—you are just out of practice. I could feel myself relax. My Biggest Fan continued. Oh, sweetie, it is amazing that you are so supportive of your Mom, AND it is not your job to protect her. She has dementia. It isn't anything to be shamed around—it is a fact—a crappy fact but a fact. It is also a fact that you have social anxiety. Again, nothing to be shamed about—it is a fact—a crappy fact, but it is still a fact. These people know you and love you and your Mom too! They won't judge her for having an illness she can't control. It will be ok."
I remembered that I rarely regret diving into the deeper water of my feelings. That is far less painful than treading water in the shallow vagueness of blah feelings. As we pulled up to my Mom's house, my Monger wasn't running the show anymore. My Biggest Fan had reminded me that I was firmly in the driver's seat. She reminded me, "You will feel anxiety tonight. That's ok. You aren't broken. Just keep doing the things that work, ground your feet on the floor, look up at the sky, take a breath, and remember time will keep moving.
Throughout the next two weeks, we will be diving deeper into feelings and how we can make sure we are acknowledging them even when it is the last thing we want to do.