Our Rabbit Hole Tells
Today is day 3 of the feelings in Spiral 3. I am expanding on something I teased a couple of weeks ago in episode 2, Week 2 of Beliefs called You don't have to justify, prove, defend or atone. I shared how the simple task of asking my husband if he wanted pizza for dinner led me to a spiral of justification even though he had already said yes.
My need to justify my meal choice after he had already agreed to it was a sign that my anxiety was high, which led me to practice A.S.K. Through that process, I unearthed a feeling I had been avoiding hurt, and my Biggest Fan explained why:
"Your friend Molly has blown you off the past few weeks, and you feel annoyed and hurt. I get it. Why don't you text Molly today and tell her how much you miss her."
Today I want to provide some back story on what was happening with Molly and why acknowledging our feelings is so important to quieting our anxiety. And it starts with noticing our rabbit hole tells.
The behaviors we engage in that show our anxiety is higher, and we are getting ready to head down an anxiety rabbit hole. The sooner we can catch ourselves before we head down the anxiety rabbit hole, the better.
Molly and I usually talk every 1 or 2 weeks, and Molly tends to get caught up in her life and put me on the back burner. The day I over-justified my desire to order pizza to Doug, I hadn't talked to Molly for almost four weeks—I had texted her a few times, and she had replied with how busy she was and how crazy her life was, but there was no plan for calling. After four weeks, I felt dismissed and hurt by Molly, which is fine. In a perfect world, I would say to myself, as my Biggest Fan did Why don't you text Molly today and tell her how much you miss her?
But as I foreshadowed—that is NOT what I did. Instead, my Monger and B.F.F. stepped in.
I heard my B.F.F. first, "Screw her! So busy my ass—you are busy too!!! And I bet the next time she needs you, and you aren't available, she will drive you crazy calling you because she has a need, and you aren't there for it."
I did hear my B.F.F. first, but only because her voice was the one that made me feel better, at least temporarily. But she was responding to my Monger, who was busy telling me, "You are so whiny for being upset, so she is busy! It wouldn't be such a big deal if you weren't so sensitive. Man up, soldier."
And my B.F.F. steps again, "listen, you are awesome! And if she doesn't see that, blow her off—forget about it!"
I had spent the better part of 2 weeks going round and round—holding my beach ball of hurt under the water, trying to keep it from appearing. But the part that is challenging about this particular scenario is that by the time I justified ordering pizza to my husband, I couldn't own that I was hurt. My Monger and B.F.F. had convinced me that I was a whiny sensitive wimp on the one hand, and on the other hand—Molly was an inconsiderate, selfish monster. So there was no room for feeling hurt. Was I holding my beach ball of hurt underwater, trying to keep it from appearing? Yes, but in this moment, when I was justifying ordering pizza , I wasn't doing it consciously.
This is why we need to know what our rabbit hole tells are—the things we do when we aren't acknowledging our feelings. This story is from years before I started this work, and I would have spent weeks and weeks allowing my Monger and B.F.F. to debate whether my hurt feelings were worthy. My anxiety would have been high and most likely wouldn't have resolved until I talked with Molly.
The more I did this work of building self-loyalty, the more I learned to be curious about my anxiety. First, I started hearing my B.F.F. when she was brutally judgmental of others in her attacks. That is usually a sign my anxiety is high.
Or I would recognize my anxiety because I was unnecessarily justifying ordering pizza, and when I acknowledged my feelings, I acknowledged the hurt.
Or I would just notice the anxiety, I had a 10 reaction to a 2 situation, or I noticed my perfectionism kicking in about a work project, which caused me to get curious.
Now I am building more awareness of when my Monger is dismissing my feelings.
Do I want to get to where I am, NEVER dismissing my feelings? Yes. Absolutely! And I know it is hard-baked into my psyche in so many ways. Luckily, I have found numerous ways to build awareness of my anxiety so I can do the things I need to do without going too far down the rabbit hole. Knowing our rabbit hole tells is key. Over time pay attention What are your rabbit hole tells? What are the things you do before you head down an anxiety rabbit hole?