I Did Something Good But...

Too often, my clients cut themselves down when they should be celebrating their success.

I did something good, but…is a common way clients start a story to me; here are some samples. 

Mindy has a fantastic day at the beach with her kids, and as she leaves the beach bathroom, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror—ugh! GIRL, you need to lose some weight. Later that night, as she thinks back to the day, she just thinks about the mirror, forgetting the laughter and joy she had playing with her girls in the water.  

Sara had a great time laughing with friends on a girl's weekend, but she drank too much. And as she shares with her husband about the weekend, she leaves out the laughter and only talks about how stupid she was for drinking too much.

Monica got up early, worked out, and even had time to eat a relaxed breakfast, but she didn't allow enough time for traffic, so she was late to work. Later, as she shares her day with a friend, she only talks about how she was late to work. No mention of all she accomplished that day.

Or Sondra, who found a great new job and is so happy that she left her old one, and all she keeps telling people is what an idiot she was for not leaving sooner.

An opportunity at work, putting our health first, having fun with girlfriends, or getting a new job. Those are all activities that make us shine. They're great activities and something to be proud of. 

But I notice that sometimes in the retelling of these amazing events, we immediately play them down, focusing on the negative or regret they took so long.

In essence, we are intentionally dimming our light and not practicing self-loyalty. 

I know I had a strict rule about this one "good girls stay humble and small." And it is a rule many of my clients share. When I think about it, I wonder why. Why do good girls stay small and dim their lights? I tell myself it is because I don't want to take the light from other people---the funny thing is that diminishing my light, playing small, or staying humble doesn't shine the light on someone else more brightly. It just keeps me from shining into the world. 

Another rule that comes into play here—if we celebrate the win, we will stop striving. We need to keep driving ourselves, and if there's still something to be accomplished, there's no room for celebration.

But that is why I love the biggest fan. She does not stop us from striving. she just stops us from hammering ourselves all day.

 So here are three ways to get messy and strengthen the voice of self loyalty--the Biggest Fan. 

1. Surround yourself with celebrators, encourage your friends to celebrate with you, and call you out when you aren't celebrating. My husband does this for me because I'm not a big celebrator, and he will frequently ask me, how should we celebrate this? Or what do you want to do to celebrate? Followed by a long pause while he waits for me to answer. 

So it's something to do with your girlfriends or your partner to encourage you to celebrate and also for you to be encouraging them when they need to celebrate. 

2. When you catch yourself diminishing a win, force yourself to celebrate, no matter how small. Throw a dance party for one in your office. Enjoy a cupcake or share with a friend about your victory. Vocalizing it out loud, sharing with other people, allowing the victory to be small like, I made it to work on time, I got up this morning and worked out, or I recorded the podcast. They can be little tiny things. They don't have to be these huge momentous. I did something perfect. And it was amazing. No, I've got up out of bed, and I got dressed is a victory some days. 

And then the last thing I want to say would, and I have mentioned it before, is worth repeating.

3. Remove the word, but from your vocabulary and instead use the word. And. Let's go back to Sara's story. She drank too much at the girl's weekend. So instead of saying I had a great time with my girlfriends, but I ended up drinking too much.

She can say I had a great time with my girlfriends and I drank too much. Both are true. If she could go back, she probably wouldn't drink that much again because she was hungover and still had a great time with her girlfriends. One doesn't take away from the other. Adding and into the vocabulary has made a big difference for me and my clients in recognizing I can hold two opposite truths simultaneously, and one isn't more important than the other. 

When I spend a Saturday binging Netflix, My biggest fan will remind me, “You are a hard worker, and today you are feeling lazy thats ok.

We will win and lose all the time, even when trying to be perfect. Celebrating our wins and shining our lights into the world is an act of self-loyalty. It is helping us build that internal strength to recognize our worth and appreciate our complexities, so we can catch our anxiety and take action.