Disappointing Others

​​Today I want to share another client story—I am sharing with permission and have changed her name to Clara. 

Clara reached out to share about her weekend—I knew she had friends coming into town for a football game, and I was interested to hear how it went. 

It was terrible, Clara sighed. We had a great time at the game, which was a lot of fun—but that was Friday night. Our friends were so hungover on Saturday morning they asked if they could stay Saturday night too! My husband immediately piped up, sure! Sounds good. Even though I was DONE, what could we do—I wouldn't have told them no either. So I thought about what you said about setting boundaries, and I knew I needed to set one, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. They are our friends. 

My vision for the day was relaxing and hanging out, which we did. But they wanted a bonfire on Saturday night, and they were drunk again. I was so annoyed. I wanted to go to bed at 9 pm because we were out so late the night before, but I forced myself to stay up until midnight and finally drug myself to bed. The next morning my husband said they were up until after 2! They didn't leave our house until after noon Sunday! I lost my whole weekend. But the whole time, I kept beating myself up for being too rigid and stressed and unable to relax and have fun. I just felt like a big stick in the mud. 

Oh, Clara, I responded—I get it trust me! Lots of things are happening in this one weekend—first, because you didn't speak them, your boundaries were blown past, and second, your Monger was hammering you all weekend. 

Yes! Clara sighed—how do I get past my Monger to set boundaries!?! I wanted to speak up, but she told me how rude I was and what a stick in the mud I was. 

Here is the thing:

Clara ran up against one of her rules—good people go with the flow, and bad people set boundaries and go to be early. I told her There might have been other beliefs, too—I can suffer better, so better for me to suffer than make them suffer by going to bed early. Or I can hustle harder; I can take it. 

No wonder she couldn't set a boundary; her Monger was stuck in several rigid beliefs. 

My first goal for Clara was to replay the event and notice when her boundaries got pushed aside. She replied when her husband said yes, without consulting with her. Absolutely! I said How did that feel?

Clara reported that it felt like a gut punch. She felt so worthless. Him not conferring with her just gave her Monger more proof that her needs weren't as important. 

Clara also shared that her boundaries got crossed on Saturday when she wanted to go to bed and didn't and when she didn't want to drink and did. 

Mostly Clara said the thing I am most upset about is I had no self-loyalty. I put their needs as more important than mine. 

Ok, I asked Clara if you could go back to Saturday at 10 pm sitting at the fire wanting to go to bed. What do you think your Biggest Fan would say?

GO TO BED, Clara screamed. My Biggest Fan would say, "Sweet Peanut, you are tired; these friends don't care if you are out here or not, they want to drink and laugh and hang by the fire, and you do not. THAT IS ok. GO TO BED, and you will all be happier.

Yes! And, yes, you probably will let your boundaries get crossed again. That's ok. Each time you will get better and better at it. And more and more confident. 

In the spirit of Clara's struggle with people pleasing and boundaries, Here are some ideas about setting boundaries and over-giving. -I challenge you to listen to each of these and THINK about how these beliefs play out in your life. Don't just nod along or chuckle knowingly. But be honest about how much this belief has gotten in your way. 

My needs are not LESS important. Whoa. I remember the first time I heard this one--what?!?! My needs are as important as everyone else's? ("What you talkin' about Willis?") Yep, our needs are as important as everyone else. And, to put it bluntly, if we don't look out for what we need, no one else will.

Sometimes it isn't that we truly believe our needs are less important. We believe by swallowing our needs, we will avoid confrontation, which in the short term MIGHT be true. But in the long term, swallowing our needs increase our anxiety and damages our relationships. As long as Clara continued to swallow her needs (for whatever reason), she would have increased anxiety and be resentful every time she was around this other couple. 

Giving to the point of resentment isn't giving. Next time someone asks you for something, ask yourself, "Do I want to be giving this right now?" If the answer is no, then the answer is no. Giving from a place of resentment, keeping score, or negativity doesn't feed anyone. Giving from a place of willingness and self-loyalty feels so amazing!! There is such a difference in how true giving feels! When we are resentful, keeping score, and ignoring our messages of "stop, this is too much," we aren't being self-loyal and 100% over functioning.

My worth is not equal to how much I give. Yikes. This is an easy trap to fall into. We learned "they will like me more if I give more" or "I am only worthy because of what I do for others." We have convinced ourselves that they like us ONLY because of how much we give. Which, to put it bluntly, is BS. I remember when I realized that I was bending over backward to keep a friend if someone is only hanging with me because I do everything they ask--do I want to spend time with that person anyway? Uh NO. Our true friends are the people who love us regardless of what we DO. We are valuable, lovable, worthy, period--it doesn't matter how much we give.

Caring is a wonderful trait. I love showing others how much they mean to me by giving to them. Attaching giving to the words: should, getting something back, worthiness, have to, or keeping score takes away from such an amazing act of kindness and gratitude. When I am asked to give, I try first to check in and ask: "What is my motivation for saying yes?"

As I told Clara, it isn't about having SUPER strong boundaries all the time. It is about having the clarity to know when your boundaries are being crossed and having your own back in trying to figure out what you want to do next: confront the person and re-establish the boundary or go along to get along this time. No matter what you decide, it is about having your own back, checking your Monger, and bringing in the Biggest Fan.