Getting Messy
Welcome to spiral three!! Over the past few months, we have been slowly and deliberately building self-loyalty. The gift of self-loyalty is being able to own and be present with all parts of ourselves. The amazing, fun happy parts of ourselves and the yucky want to hide away and never see parts of ourselves. In Spiral 3, we are diving into those hidden away and never seen parts and bringing them out into the open because that is where the power is. It reminds me of the quote from one of my favorite 80s shows (yep, dating myself here), Designing Women Julia Sugarbaker says, "I'm saying this is the South, and we're proud of our crazy people. We don't hide them up in the attic. We bring 'em right down to the living room and show 'em off." That is what we will do in Spiral 3 bring out the hidden parts that we deem too crazy for public consumption and recognize that they are ok; they are just part of the deal of being human.
Years ago, I remember sitting in my therapist's office as she explained to me that being kind to myself was so important. Yes, I think I know this is important, nodding my head and secretly knowing the chances were slim that I would leave her office and be kind to myself. How do I do that, I thought?
I spent YEARS of my life nodding along to therapists, self-help books, quotes, etc. My therapist would say, “just feel your feelings.” I would read, “Accept yourself no matter what” and think ok well, how do I do that? I printed out the quote be bold and might force will come to your aid–but how do I be bold without fear of rejection?! It is easy to hear the wisdom out there and WAY more challenging to incorporate that wisdom into our everyday life. In spirals 1 and 2, I explained that this incorporation is challenging because our Mongers and BFFs create a defense shield from anything changing. Another reason incorporation is challenging is that our Monger tells us we are broken and beyond repair; therefore, we must look outside ourselves for guidance. Even if we do hear something wise as I did from my therapist when I tried to be kind to myself, I would inevitably feel uncomfortable or lost or confused. My Monger would step in and say, "see, you don't know what you are doing," which sent me searching externally for a book on how to accept myself. The reason it didn't work—I didn't have self-loyalty. I didn't trust that I would be ok even as I fumbled my way through being kind to myself.
So here is my tough love lesson as we enter Spiral 3; Just do it Nike was right, and there comes a time when we need to just do it. The time is now - spiral 3 is your opportunity to incorporate all that you have learned over the past few months and make it your own And with making your own comes this warning, your Monger will be resistant. Years ago, I had developed the idea of A.S.K, wrote The Happier Approach book, and was teaching clients how to build self-loyalty to quiet their HFA. I knew how well A.S.K. helped decrease anxiety in my clients and myself (when I practiced it), But I wasn't practicing it as often as I should have because I was scared of trying something new, being wrong, and mostly being uncomfortable with what might come up. Finally one day I was tired of seeing my clients make better progress than I was and told myself trying and failing was better than doing nothing. So I jumped in with both feet to just do it.
The point is, we will do it wrong. We will fail and feel lost and confused. But that, failure and confusion are necessary to build self-loyalty. It is part of the process.
The potential to do it wrong is always uncomfortable in my work with my individual clients too. For our first two months together, they check and ask am I doing it right? or This is normal to feel this way, right? and I will often quiet their fears with yes, of course, and here is why it is normal etc. But during our last month of work together, my response is, it is normal because you are doing it. It doesn't matter if other people do it or not. Or does it feel right to you? Because that is all that matters. Now we are implementing; we are just doing it. It is time to get messy.
Well, my friends—that same concept applies to you in spiral three. It is time to get messy. If you have been avoiding doing A.S.K. Or implementing some of this work like I would if I were you—I get it. Trust me. I SO get it. And we won't get anywhere unless we take the risk of failure and try. Try implementing A.S.K. when you notice you aren’t able to concentrate, or finally set your alarm to do the mindfulness hacks I talked about in spiral 1 week 1 day 3 of the body theme
So today, on our first day of Spiral 3, the beliefs theme, I want to remind you of how change works. First, it takes baby steps—remember, all change is incremental.
The change we are working on is catching ourselves when we fall down the anxiety rabbit hole. Your Monger will try to convince you that you need to do it perfectly or you are different, meaning better than other people, so you won’t have any problems noticing when you are engaged in people pleasing or over-functioning.. Do not listen to her. Yes, there might be an occasion where you can be proactive and decrease your anxiety response. Sometimes you might be proactive and catch yourself early; sometimes, your anxiety will win for days before you catch it. It doesn't matter WHEN--it matters that once you catch it, what do you do about it? And that is practice A.S.K.
Ok let's do this let's get messy.
I'll see you tomorrow.