Loyalty to Others

Welcome to the second week of the Self Loyalty Theme. Last week we talked about Self loyalty and how self-loyalty helps anxiety and our resistance to self-loyalty. Today we are talking about being overly loyal to others and how that is a sign our anxiety is high.

Twice a year, my Mom's sister and her family stay at my Mom's house for a few days, once in the summer and once at Christmas. I am the person who plans the meals, does the shopping, and is the hostess of the group. But a few years ago, I noticed myself not just hostessing but catering to their every whim. Taking drink orders and making special appetizers and snacks replaced visiting and relaxing at my Mom's. I was way more loyal to my family than to myself.

Eventually, I realized I was over-giving, and I blamed my anxiety on that fact; I decided to make a change.No wonder I was so anxious. I was serving people all the time. The next time my family visited, I decided to set boundaries and be firm. I dramatically limited what I was going to cook, no more appetizers, no more snacks, and no more drink orders. And even with these boundaries in place, my anxiety spiked, my family was confused, and it was a really bad visit.

Here's why that happened:

I would get anxious—over-give to distract myself from the anxiety—resent how much I was giving—feel more anxious.

Or I would get anxious—over-give to distract myself from the anxiety—receive praise for over-giving, and because my need was a bottomless pit —I would feel more anxious.

If I looked back to when I was catering to my family's every need, I wasn't engaging in these unhealthy behaviors with the awareness that they were unhealthy. I engaged with them because I thought they helped.

THIS is why it isn't just about setting boundaries or stopping doing it altogether.!

I know now. Self-loyalty is about honoring that these behaviors have a purpose. and acknowledging when these behaviors aren't helping anymore

These behaviors aren't helping anymore.

Now when my family comes to visit, I remind myself I love my family. I love their visits and spending time with them. AND they trigger my anxiety in some way. I check in with myself ahead of time. I check in to see how full my glass is and how much extra energy I have. I communicate with my family, asking for help when I need it and letting them know how much I will be serving or not serving throughout the visit. I know that my anxiety gets high when I get overstimulated with conversation, which is why I like being the hostess. But when hostessing becomes over-giving, that is out of bounds. So I encourage myself to take regular breaks, remove myself from loud conversations and be kind to myself.

If I have extra anxiety, I try to catch it before I head down a rabbit hole, but I am not always successful, so if I catch myself going off the initial plan and over-giving, I bring myself back. I also shared with my closest family members that I have this pattern and recruited them to help remind me if they see it. And I practice A.S.K. Acknowledge what I am feeling frustrated at how hard this process is and why can't I just be normal, annoyed that my sister-in-law was driving me crazy again, and heartbroken to see my Mom, aunt, and uncle age so much. S. Slow Down and Get into my body I might take a walk around my Mom's house, do some stretches in the bathroom, or deliberately walk from the kitchen to the dining room, and then K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture—this is where the self loyalty comes in, "Sweet pea you are in it. You are trying new things, and that is hard. You are ok. You are safe. AND you are worthy even if you don't cater to everyone's needs."

And then I rejoin the group.

To summarize, when you notice yourself being more loyal to others than you are to yourself—that is a sign that your anxiety is high, and you need to check in with yourself. Often we will create a smokescreen and convince ourselves the problem is boundaries, just like I did with my family. But it is the anxiety that needs to be calmed, and once you have that awareness, then you can think about setting boundaries. But if you set boundaries too early, you are left with anxiety and very confused loved ones. The key is catching yourself before you head too far down the rabbit hole and bringing yourself back with frequent breaks, practicing A.S.K. (Say out loud), or whatever calms your anxiety at the moment. Ok, that is it for today. I will be back tomorrow to talk about a trip to the DMV.and the concept of fake loyalty

AND if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.

See you tomorrow!