Values
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Welcome to The second week of the Self Loyalty Theme. Last week we defined self loyalty and discussed our resistance to it. Today is all about building self-loyalty.
You know those impactful moments when you can remember exactly where you were? Like when I was driving to tell my former therapist Annie that I was leaving her practice and my Biggest Fan Chimed in with some helpful words. Another one is when I was 18 years old, sitting in the newly built movie theater in my small hometown, watching City Slickers.
In the movie, Mitch Robbins, played by Billy Crystal, and his friends go on a vacation to a ranch to drive cattle. While there, he meets an old cowboy named Curly, played by Jack Palance. My favorite scene in the movie is when Mitch and Curly slowly ride their horses back to camp after rescuing a rogue cow. Mitch is going on and on about all his life stresses, and suddenly Curly stops riding and says, "Wow, None of you city slickers get it. You know what the secret to life is?" Curly asks,
No, What?!? says Mitch leaning forward in his seat, eager for the secret.
This and he holds up one leather-gloved finger.
Mitch says, "Your finger?"
Curly replies in his gruff cowboy way, "One thing. just thing one, you stick to that, and everything else don't mean shit."
Mitch says, "That's great, but What's the one thing?"
"That's what you have to figure out," Curly says
I remember sitting in the dark theater resisting my body's desire to stand up and scream YES! YES! Even at 18, I was looking for a simpler way.
Curly is right; a key to decreasing our anxiety and quieting the Monger is knowing the one thing that is most important to us. When our anxiety is high, it is key to return to what is most important. As I shared in my story with Annie my former therapist, I was so calm and confident in that story because I knew starting my own practice and writing my own content was most important.
One thing is hard to decide, so I expanded the challenge to 5, and to add another layer to the challenge let's turn things into values. I will help you determine what is most important to you so you can turn to those when your anxiety is high and wants to pull you in a million directions. Knowing your Values helps you see the bigger picture, like the K in A.S.K. in Kindly pull back and see the big picture.
So, what are values? As defined by the Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, a value is "something (such as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable." [i]
Values are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. Values help answer the question, What's most important here? The values you choose and the definitions you give them are unique. Someone may share similar values to yours, but their definitions might differ.
Living with High Functioning Anxiety makes it easy to NOT live by our values. And when we don't live by our values, we don't have self-loyalty. For me, I know I can get caught up in the messages of my Monger such as I should work more or I should be more social and then I start doing what I think I 'should' do or I compare what I am doing to what someone else is doing and do that instead."
When we live a life based on someone else's values, our anxiety is high, and as a result, we end up feeling numb, disengaged, and uninspired by our life.
In contrast, when I am able to quiet my Monger and call in my Biggest Fan. I am able to live true to my values. My values provide a simple, easy way to see the big picture and determine what is most important to me to take the next steps. They are a road map to self-loyalty.
My top 5 values are humor, integrity, empathy, family, and independence. Because family is in my top five values, my life decisions revolve around supporting and engaging with my family. I don't want to engage in activities or spend time with people who take me away from my family for an extended period. My family is consistently a priority.
A friend of mine values social change; she makes everyday choices that inspire social change through the clothes she wears, the conversations she has, and the products she uses. She works in a job that supports causes that encourage social change and works towards the social change she wants to see.
Only you can define what a value means for you. For example, many people value financial security. For one person, that could mean having just enough money to pay all the bills, while for another person, that could mean paying all the bills and having money left over to take as many vacations as they want.
Growing up, it's easy to learn values from others -- teachers, parents, clergy, friends, you name it. As an adult it is okay to establish your own, in fact, you are entitled to them. Our Monger loves to remind us of other people's values. For example, my husband's parents went to church every Sunday religion was one of their values. My husband values family and Sunday mornings are one of the few lazy mornings we have. It is a chance for us to ease into our week, hang out, catch up, and bond, so we don't want to spend that time at church. That is okay. Remember, values and guilt don't go together. Values aren't shoulds. They are intentions that resonate deep within us.
If you notice guilt creeping in at the idea of not living out someone else's values, give yourself some kindness. These awarenesses can be tough—and the first response is to beat yourself up. It is okay to struggle with doing things differently than the shoulds tell you. Self loyalty means you have your own back at all times—even when shoulds are running the show. Keep reminding yourself What is most important here?
Your top five values reflect you, not what you have been told to do or expected to do.
Another challenge with values is when the values conflict with each other. For example, I value independence, but I also value socializing with those close to me. So I am very conscious and intentional about making sure I build quality relationships with others while also balancing my need for freedom, individuality, or autonomy. The Monger will be quick to come in and tell us how wrong we are and how we can't live a life with values that aren't similar. But the Biggest Fan is there to remind us that we can pull back and look at the big picture. We can include all our values; we just need to be more creative, not critical.
Now that I am challenging you to choose your top 5 values, I have homework for you. I have included a worksheet in the portal and the show notes with a list of values and the instructions to name your top five values, do an inventory of how your values are showing up, and where or how you can better express these values.
When your Monger starts chatting and your anxiety gets high about what you should be doing, you can return to your values list and ask, Does this activity fit my values? If it does, you can pursue that activity with the kindness of your Biggest Fan. If it doesn't, you can let that activity go and choose one more in line with your values.
See you tomorrow!