Fake Loyalty

Welcome to Day 3 of Self Loyalty School

Today I want to share an example of self-loyalty in the wild and how even when we think we are being loyal to ourselves, it's not the real deal.

Renewing my driver's license is something that spikes my anxiety. Wasting time standing in line at the D.M.V., there always seem to be a lot of rules that I don't know, and the employees are not the friendliest. So during a recent trip to the D.M.V., I attempted to go first thing to avoid the line, but many other people had that idea, too, so by the time I got there, seven people were already in front of me.

As I sat in the loud, dimly lit, sterile government building, my Monger started in, 'Good grief; we don't have time for this! You should have planned better!! Sitting around doing nothing–what a waste."

My BFF noticing my Monger was hammering me, stepped in to ease the pressure by judging other people. What is that woman wearing?!?! I mean, how many animal prints can one person own!?!?

My anxiety was super high with the Monger and BFF in a full-out wrestling match. When my BFF is loud and judges other people, I turn that judgment back on myself. Meaning my Monger comes in to analyze my every move. If the BFF judges someone's clothing choice, then my Monger is quick to criticize my clothing choice.

So when I noticed I was next in line, my Monger had convinced me I was going to make a fool of myself. My heart was racing, and my palms were sweaty.

And I tried to calm myself with what I thought was my Biggest Fan.

"No one cares what you are doing. No one is looking at you." I told myself—this is common wisdom. My Mom told me this all the time. But the underlying/subtle message here is, "You are so self-absorbed you think EVERYONE is looking at you." The message is—it is your fault you are feeling this way. You would be fine if you didn't assume everyone was looking at you."

Then I tried. "You shouldn't care what people think about you. Who cares!?! Give Zero F's' This is also a common comeback—but again, it is not true. I do care what people think—OBVIOUSLY, or I wouldn't be so freaking anxious. So that isn't helpful because, again, it tells me I am too sensitive and too worried about other people when I SHOULD just be worried about myself.

Followed by "Come on, you have nothing to worry about —this is no big deal—it is just the D.M.V." well, that isn't true either because I am worried, so now I am just beating myself up for worrying.

And lastly—"What's the worst that can happen?" Well, I can come up with A LOT of worsts, everything from being stuck here all day because of some bureaucratic nightmare, the clerk yelling at me, tripping over my feet, and falling on my face, to name a few.

Here is the challenge—the four answers I used to calm myself —we hear them all the time, even from coaches, therapists self-help authors trying to help. And these answers don't work because they aren't loyal. They are phrases that are laced with shame and belittling. Their message appears kind, but underneath is you shouldn't feel this way, and you are broken because you do.

Finally, I remembered the power of A.S.K.

So then I practiced A.S.K.

A. Acknowledge my feelings. "Wow, it sucks to feel this scared and consumed with doubt. I wish I didn't have to deal with this. But it is something in my life. Being scared doesn't have to take over."

S. Slow Down standing at the D.M.V. you can't do a full-body wiggle, so I stretched my neck against my chest and then stretched it to each shoulder.

K. Kindly pull Back to see the big picture. Sometimes, when I am this anxious, I forget I am a grown woman and not a 16-year-old getting my first driver's license. So I will say to myself

"You are not 16 years old, Sweet pea; believe it or not, you are almost 50 years old. You have done this many, many times, and even if you fall flat on your face or get yelled at, I have your back. You will just stand up and keep walking. Nothing here can hurt you. You got this."

This statement is kind, reassuring, and full of loyalty.

My whole body relaxed, perfect timing because when I looked up, they had skipped me! They didn't call my number—so I had to get up and ask a clerk. Luckily my anxiety wasn't running the show; it was there but not in charge. I stood up and again reminded myself. You are almost 50. You can do this. And kindly asked the clerk what was happening. Whoops, THEY made the error and immediately helped me. All and all, a pretty good trip to the D.M.V.

Aw yes, self loyalty is amazing. Because it reminds me I have my own back, that anxiety can be scary, and it is ok. I am feeling this way rather than trying to talk myself out of the feeling.

Self-loyalty is all about kindness, respect, and honoring what you are feeling.

See you tomorrow!