How Do I Fix It?

Welcome to Day 2 of the 2nd week of feelings. Yesterday, we talked about how analyzing is one of our go-to responses to messy feelings. Today we are looking at the next thought after we analyze a situation—ok, how do I fix it?

These are our unhealthy coping mechanisms when it comes to our feelings; these mechanisms are our default patterns, and they are strong. It isn't about stopping these behaviors forever—it is about noticing them. And it isn't about beating yourself up when you notice you are doing them. It is about noticing them so you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.

When I can get out of analysis and name the feelings of what could be wrong such as sad, overwhelmed, or frustrated, a new unhealthy coping mechanism comes into play. “Ok, Nancy, well, how do I fix it?"

I might think big like I need to go back to school and become a librarian, or maybe we need to move to Oregon, then I might go smaller ok, maybe I need to find a system to organize myself, or eat less sugar or start lifting weights more. I need to try watercolor or do morning pages. Maybe I should meditate for 30 minutes a day?

All of those ideas I rattled off when I am feeling sad, overwhelmed and frustrated are me trying to fix those feelings. Do you know what all this fixing is doing? Moving me away from the actual feeling. I haven't even acknowledged the feeling; I have just tried to figure out WHY so I can fix it. I try to fix it through positive thinking or being grateful, which can be helpful AFTER I acknowledge and allow the feelings. Or I try to hustle harder and stuff it down or create a smokescreen. A Smokescreen is a safe place I blame can for my anxiety rather than the actual thing I am anxious about (we will talk about the dangers of positive thinking, hustling harder, stuffing it down in future lessons, and smokescreens.)

So I wake up feeling uneasy about my client load, but rather than just acknowledging that feeling, I jump into fix mode. And I decide that I need to develop a better organizational system. Rather than acknowledging the feeling and allowing the uncomfortable reality to set in --I am uneasy about my client load— I jump ahead and spend money on a brand new organizational system and waste time setting it up.

Over the years, when I catch myself fixing the feeling. I will tell myself two things.

1. It is ok to Hate the feeling

2. Is there anything I need to own here?

Both of these statements slow me down a little bit and get me into my body.

First up, It is ok to hate the feeling—I got this line from Dave Chappelle, and when I heard it, I was screaming, YES, YES! It is ok to hate the feeling. It is ok to be frustrated with being sad or annoyed that you feel unworthy. Acknowledge all of it. That is self-loyalty. Acknowledging everything. This idea gave me permission that I don't have to feel zen or content with my feelings; I can be annoyed by them, AND by acknowledging them, I am creating a more loyal, less anxious relationship with myself. When I give myself permission to hate the feeling, I don't go down the messy cycle of blaming other people or, worse, blaming myself—it is just a feeling.

Once I have acknowledged the feeling and owned that it is there, I will ask myself if there is anything I need to own here. This, again, is an act of self-loyalty because when we are loyal, we can own our part. I can more clearly see what might be needed next by owning my part. With the overwhelm about my client load, I own a part of that. Yes, my organizational system is poor, but even if I fix it with a new organizational system—I still have to use it. So I can see that I tend to say yes too often, I ignore my own time blocking, and I don't end client calls on time. The feeling of uneasiness is a way for me to make some needed changes in my business, but first, I need to acknowledge the feeling, THEN I need to own my part, THEN I can try to fix it.

Notice how often you switch from analysis to fixing, and loving remind yourself that you don't have to fix it–it is ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

See you tomorrow!