Stuff it Down

Welcome to Day 3 of the 2nd week of feelings. We are discussing what we do instead of acknowledging our feelings.

Today we are talking about stuffing it down. You know, "the suck it up buttercup" mentality.

These are our unhealthy coping mechanisms when it comes to our feelings, and these mechanisms are our default patterns, and they are strong. It isn't about stopping these behaviors forever—it is about noticing them. And it isn't about beating yourself up when you notice you are doing them. It is about noticing them so you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.

My husband has had epilepsy since he was around eight years old. His epilepsy takes the form of daily mini seizures and the occasional grand mals. A few years ago, we were trying hard to decrease the frequency of his seizures, specifically the grand mal, by regulating his meds. We had some success; he hadn't had a grand mal in a month!

But then, out of the blue, he had two grand mal seizures. It was a big blow, not just the disappointment that they happened, but the effects of the grand mals leave my husband exhausted and pretty much out of it for a few days.

I was in the midst of a hectic week. I had a speaking engagement across the state and a number of clients, so I couldn't be there for my husband, and I didn't have time to deal with my crushing disappointment that his seizures had returned. So, I told myself to soldier on and suck it up, and it wasn't that big of a deal. In short, I tried to stuff my ball under the ocean's surface and moved on.

Every time my Biggest Fan would say to me, "Hey, sweetheart. What happened to your husband is a big deal." Or "Whoa, this is a lot to handle."

My Monger would quickly come in with, "Come on. You know this is happening. This is your life. Your husband has seizures. You knew that when you married him. Just suck it up and move on. You can't be getting upset about it every time." There was no room for kindness, acknowledgment, or any of that.

I was pushing, pushing, and pushing, and ignoring how devastated I was by these seizures. How painful it was to see my husband struggling and how defeated I felt.

And then I had a conversation with my Mom, and I said to her in a smart ass totally frustrated way, "Oh my gosh, this feeling stuff, like, really? I'm supposed to acknowledge my feelings about how hard this is with Doug and how much I'm struggling with it, and to what end? To what end? I mean, I know I say that's what I'm supposed to do, but why is that helpful to acknowledge it?" I swear to God, just that little piece, just that little window of acknowledging how hard it was for me. Even though I was being tongue in cheek and bantering with my Mom, that little window allowed me to feel how hard it was.

Do you know why? Because I was loyal to what I was feeling. And I didn't try to fix the feeling. I was loyal to the annoyance and frustration of having to acknowledge my feelings. Self-loyalty means I show up no matter what I am experiencing. Even when I am totally at my wit's end, I have my own back. It isn't about suddenly becoming this pollyanna person who does everything perfectly—it is about accepting where we are.

When I hung up the phone, I started crying, and for the first time that week, I gave myself kindness. "This week has been devastating. It has been challenging. I have struggled this week." Being able to say that out loud loosened my neck muscles. It loosened my chest muscles. Everything relaxed a little bit. That didn't mean that instantaneously I was happy again or instantaneously everything felt better. But I was more relaxed.

I think that's where this myth of, "Oh, if I acknowledged my feelings, then everything will be magically wonderful and positive again." No, that isn't the case.

Once I started acknowledging what was going on, all that drama I was making up, and stuff I was throwing out into the universe to block the feelings, all of that melted away. It was just me, my feelings, and the loyalty I had to myself.

I think that's the power of acknowledging what's going on. What are you really feeling? It provides crystal clear clarity, "Oh Babe, this is hard right now, and that's okay. We can move forward." The energy is so much calmer, relaxed, and less anxious.

When I can be calm and say, "Oh, sweet pea, this is hard right now. We can get through this though, but it's hard," that's such a different, calmer energy.

I think that is the key to building acceptance of what comes up for you. I noticed this week that it would come up, and I would be like, "Oh, this is so hard." Then, immediately it would come, "Don't go there. Don't go there. Just be positive. Soldier on. You do not have time to deal with these feelings right now."

That message of ignoring what's happening to you, do not have acceptance, keep stuffing it down just builds our anxiety tenfold.

So, where I used to have this pattern of stuffing it down, creating drama, and feeling more anxious for weeks or months at a time, now I can do it in a couple of days, and I can recognize, "Whoa. You're a little out of control here. Let's slow down. Let's practice A.S.K."

Acknowledge what you are feeling, slow down and get into your body and kindly pull back and see the big picture.

Our default patterns are strong. This is why I talk about baby steps so much. Even after years of doing this work, my default patterns can still run the show—remember, it isn't about stopping the default patterns forever. That isn't possible. The important part is noticing the pattern before we are too far down the rabbit hole. And once you notice it, being kind to yourself. That is the power of self-loyalty, recognizing you are human and you have default patterns. This is an ongoing process.

Remember, if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on your podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.