Analyzing

Welcome to day 1 of the 2nd week of feelings. Last week we talked about the importance of acknowledging our feelings, the different ways we deal with feelings, and, most importantly, the difference between a feeling and our response to the feeling.

Those of us with High Functioning Anxiety don't like uncomfortable or illogical feelings. Mostly because we can't analyze or fix them. So this week, we are talking about the other things we do rather than acknowledging our feelings.

These are our unhealthy coping mechanisms when it comes to our feelings; these mechanisms are our default patterns, and they are strong. It isn't about stopping these behaviors forever—it is about noticing them. And it isn't about beating yourself up when you notice you are doing them. It is about noticing them so you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.

Analyzing. I am a HUGE fan of analyzing. Why am I feeling this way? What is wrong? I am a therapist, after all, and as I mentioned before, I became a therapist to analyze myself enough that I wouldn't have a feeling.

Our intention with analyzing is to stop the feeling as quickly as possible. However, analyzing allows us to hang out in our heads and beat ourselves up for having the feeling in the first place. It isn't until we acknowledge the feeling that we can analyze it and see if there is a solution.

We will feel better when we soften what is happening head-on. We can assimilate and find relief when we acknowledge the feeling.

A few years ago, while visiting one of my closest friends in the Outerbanks, my husband, friend, and I decided to go paddle boarding. This was my first time paddleboarding, and leading up to the event, I was nervous. My Monger had some objective evidence about my lack of athletic abilities, so she was chatty.

It was a beautiful sunny day, and we arrived at the rental place early and ready to go. Because of the water temperature, we had to rent wetsuits. I stood in the dark, dingy backroom, designated the dressing room because of the shower curtain hanging from the wall, attempting to squeeze my body into the wetsuit (which is like squeezing toothpaste back into the tube). My Monger was going crazy. Here was proof that I couldn't do this activity; my body was too big to squeeze into the wetsuit.

We arrived on the Sound, put our boards in the water, and successfully paddled out on my knees. The Sound was glorious and flat, and I was hanging with 2 of my favorite people. Yet, I couldn't wait for it to be over.

I was comfortable on my knees and enjoying myself. But my High Functioning Anxiety was not ok with just being on my knees—I had to be standing! I wasn't good enough to just be on my knees. I need to get the full experience. I managed with much trepidation to make it to standing. We all celebrated. I DID IT! YAY! I was up, and I was paddling, and I hadn't fallen in.

And then, my feet started to hurt, and I was very nervous about making a move back down onto my knees.

I was frightened by every little wave, every wrong paddle. The longer we went, the more afraid I became. And rather than acknowledge those feelings and allow them to pass—I analyzed why they were ridiculous or ok.

I am scared—well, if you were more in shape, that wouldn't be a problem.

I am tired—come on, suck it up, keep going.

I am nervous my friend will think less of me—of course, he will. You are so bad at this.

Finally, my feet couldn't handle it anymore. I decided to try to get back on my knees again. With my husband and friend cheering me on, and after many tentative attempts, I was finally able to –splash! I fell in! Before I knew it, I was completely immersed in the freezing, take your breath away, filled with muck water.

This is where High Functioning Anxiety is so tricky. On the positive side, pushing beyond my anxiety got me out on the Sound. It pushed me through putting on a wetsuit, it pushed me through getting on the paddleboard, it pushed me through moving from my knees to my feet—all appearing to be positives. But the downside is it got me there through shame, through beating myself up. I was white-knuckling my way across the Sound. This is where HFA did me wrong. Because rather than being fully present with my husband and friend on a beautiful day, I was in my head. I was analyzing how to solve the problem. Why I was so bad at being athletic, and what a better person would be doing. I viewed the whole experience as a challenge, an event to white-knuckle through.

As I climbed back on the board, I couldn't stop laughing through gasps of air because the water was so cold I kept laughing. It was as if everything had shifted. Suddenly the fear was gone; the worst had happened. I practiced getting up and down a few times, knees, standing, knees, standing, and then off we went. I had the best time. The worst was over–I had made a mistake, I had fallen, and I had survived!!

Afterward, my friend said to me, "it's too bad you didn't fall in right away, so you could have just gotten it over with and had more time to have fun."

So true.

But more than anything, I wish I had been kind to myself. I wish I had been loyal to myself and acknowledged my feelings rather than analyzed them. I wish, while standing in the dark, damp back room, stuffing myself into the wetsuit, I had said to myself, "It is ok to be scared. It is ok to be anxious. This is all unknown, and you are with people who love you. Perfection doesn't make it fun; being present does." Because if I had been kind to myself and acknowledged my feelings with kindness, it would have been much more fun.

Acknowledging your feelings isn't something you have to do. It's something your body naturally does. You just have to give yourself permission. So the next time you notice yourself analyzing all the negatives in your life, ask yourself, how does this make me feel with each response? Just allow yourself to soften and give yourself some empathy and kindness, such as, oh, that sucks. Or, oh, sweet pea.

Today - visualize where the default pattern of analyzing shows up for you."