Overthinking If I Think Hard Enough I Will Feel Better

Welcome Back. All this week, we are diving into the unhealthy coping skills we use to deal with our anxiety. We kick things off today with Overthinking: the belief is if I think hard enough, I can solve the problem. The idea is that I can think my way out by over-analyzing and problem-solving. I am a HUGE fan of this strategy. Thinking makes me feel like I am doing something to solve my anxiety. But thinking can keep us trapped in rumination and spinning. 

Here's my pattern of overthinking that emerges every year when the days get longer, and the weather is warmer.

It's a spring afternoon, and it's a beautiful sunny day, and I have the afternoon free. Hours stretch before me, and I spend the first part of it debating how I should spend the day. Initially, it starts pretty benignly, debating inside or outside. But then, if I am not aware, it can take on a darker, more rigid turn where I morph from what I should do to what a good person does, and then I can head down the rabbit hole of shame and anxiety. Unscheduled free time would be a gift to most people, but it can trigger my anxiety big time. All the rules of what I should do and how I could be doing it better or differently can plague me.

I should go outside and sit on the porch. Gorgeous days like this are few in Ohio and come January, you will regret it. But my allergies are so bad, and if I sit outside, I will be congested all night.  

I should go outside and sit on the porch and read my book—I should read more. But the porch furniture isn't very comfortable, and after working in the yard this morning, my back hurts.

And then it ramps up, and my Monger steps in to remind me what a GOOD person would do. A good person would be sitting outside enjoying the weather, not staying in the house.

The debate is so familiar it can take me a while to notice it. 

That is one of the hardest parts about High Functioning Anxiety; the negative spirals are so normalized I don't always notice them before I am down a dark rabbit hole where I am a lazy loser, all because I chose to sit inside and not outside on a sunny day!!   

The other challenge to noticing the negative spirals is my brain is constantly in motion, analyzing, problem-solving, judging, etc. So even if I hear the debate, I jump into problem-solving--how can I solve this problem?!?! The solution is not in more thinking. The solution is slowing down and checking in.

And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, there is a well-worn groove (a more scientific term neural pathway) in our brains that encourages us not to slow down.   

With overthinking, there are 3 myths:

There is the myth and the reality:

Myth #1: Control. Worry gives me the illusion of control. The unconscious belief is, "If I worry about if one of my kids will get cancer, then they won't get cancer." Reality: I am ultimately not in control. Life is, for the most part, out of my control. And learning to live with that is HARD.

Myth#2: Taking Action. Overthinking makes me feel like I am DOING something. If I analyze enough, I can find the right way. 

Reality: Frequently, there is nothing I can do. Worry won't make my parenting skills perfect. Worry won't keep everyone safe and protected. Worry is not an action. It has no results. Worry is an absolute waste of time.

Myth #3: The Energizer Bunny Thinking makes me FEEL empowered and energized. I get more done when I analyze because I am in fight or flight mode. So I feel like I am getting more done.

Reality:  That energy is usually so frantic I don't do anything WELL. I might get a lot done, but I am often disengaged, disconnected, and completely discombobulated. It is no way to live.

But there is hope. Years ago, when the days got longer, and the weather is warmer, I wouldn't have noticed the thoughts playing there; I would have just acted on them. So I would have forced myself to go outside and then beat myself up for not enjoying it. Or I would have decided to stay inside and beat myself up for not going outside. By the time evening rolled around, I would have been an anxious mess full of shame and trying to find a way to do it right so my Monger would be quiet and I could feel better (which usually involved sugar or alcohol).

I remember this last Spring, as I was engaging in the "should I go outside" debate, I went to the bathroom, and as I looked in the mirror and made eye contact, I said to myself, "What do you want to do?!" I answered with, "stay inside," and so the next time I heard the "we should go outside mantra," I said to myself, "I want to stay inside, so that is the end of the discussion."

But because that worked one day doesn't mean it will work perfectly the next. There is always going to be a day when I feel anxious, and I am overthinking, and despite my best intentions of wanting to practice A.S.K., Acknowledge what you are feeling, slow down and get into your body, kindly pull back to see the big picture, my brain will be on a higher alert to prevent that. That is just how it works. There will be days when you can catch the overthinking right away and be able to calm yourself down, and then there will be days when your brain just doesn't want to slow down. 

The temptation will be to beat yourself up for not doing it right and not being able to calm your anxiety, but this moment is when practicing self-loyalty is so important, when I can Recognize that my brain is running the show and she is just doing what is so familiar. Analyzing, minimizing, and justifying are familiar coping strategies, and when my anxiety is high, they are comfortable.

But if I have self-loyalty, I can recognize that being comfortable and familiar isn't always helpful. So despite it being scary and NOT what I want to do, I will practice A.S.K.Acknowledge what you are feeling, slow down and get into your body, and kindly pull back to see the big picture. I will be kind and remind myself that I am safe and that checking in with myself isn't the end of the world. It is a practice.

Tomorrow I will be back to talk about everyone's favorite—perfection.

And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.

See you Tomorrow!