Doing It Perfectly Will Protect Me

Welcome. We are diving into the unhealthy coping skills we use to cope with our anxiety. Today we are talking about a popular one, perfection. I also refer to this as doing it the right way. The belief is if I am perfect, I won't be criticized, and I won't have anxiety. 

I remember the first vacation my family and I took after my Dad died. First, a little background, my Dad was a perfectionist and strongly believed there was a right way and a wrong way to do anything. Not surprisingly, he passed the need to do it the right way on to me.

He had a lot of rules for me traveling where to eat, what time to eat, how to get there, how early to arrive, what to order, and on and on—a lot of rules. And being a dutiful daughter, I knew how to follow the rules because the praise I received when I followed the rules was like candy to a baby.

I lived for it. As an adult, and before my Dad died, I would be the one who made all the reservations, planned the perfect place and time for dinner, and lapped up all of his praise. 

So back to the first vacation we took without my Dad, just me, my Mom, and my husband. As we walked along the beach, headed to a new dinner spot, I was sharing what I had researched about the place with my Mom and my husband and regaling them with the rest of the week's dining plans. Unknowingly, I was going through a familiar routine, sharing all the perfect things I'd done and getting ready to lap up the praise. Except for my Mom and my husband, they don't care about eating at the right place or time. They are not rule followers, so they didn't give me any praise. They just said, "Well, that sounds good. I'm sure whatever you pick is going to be great."

 I will never forget that moment as I stood there, the wind on my face and sand beneath my feet. I realized how much energy I had spent on doing it perfectly. How hooked into my Dad's way of planning, the habits and style that I took on for myself, in my mind, the right way to plan a trip, and how much this value controlled my life. And I started getting curious about it. I learned that always believing there is a right way isn't helpful.

So why is the need to do things the right way such a common experience of people with high-functioning anxiety? Doing it right, following the rules, and being a good person keep us from criticism.

And I know growing up in my family of origin, and through school and church, I learned the following, the rules will get me lots of praise. It protects me from the anxiety of not knowing what to do next. It keeps me safe. At least, that's what I was convinced myself. Can you relate?

There are three things I want to cover about the idea of doing it right. There is no right way, duty over joy, and the judgment of the BFF.

The first thing is there is no right way. We rationally know there is no one way to do anything. There is no right way, yet we spend our lives looking for it the right way to drive, eat, work out, cook, do a project, or trim a tree. You name it. We're looking for the right one.

This belief leads us to a life of black-and-white thinking where there is an absolute right way and wrong way. Our Monger believes finding the right way will protect us from being attacked or criticized externally in all situations. 

Here are a few examples from my own life to show how sneaky these myths can be.

There's a right way to walk the dog. First thing in the morning, before 7:00 am for 30 minutes, there's a right time to wake up, waking up early, meaning before 6:00 am bonus points if I can get up before 5:30 am. 

The kicker is, doing it right is subjective. Your definition of right is different from mine because right is based on personal preferences, values, ideology, et cetera. To remind myself about the subjectiveness of doing it right? I will ask myself, Well, who decides right when it comes to doing it right? 

The other kicker is our Monger will always remind us there is room for improvement. Even after my Dad would praise me for picking the right restaurant for dinner, I would spend the rest of the evening scooping out the best table to request the next time because I can always improve. 

A side note to the there is no right way—procrastination: 

When I was in school, I would procrastinate until the last minute on an assignment. I would be rushing to finish a paper before the deadline (it is still a habit today--just ask my nearest and dearest). For years I would say deadlines motivated me. But the reason they are motivating is that procrastination keeps my anxiety and my quest for perfection in check. I can only do as well as the time I have been given. So I have to stop working on the task not because it is perfect but because my time is up. If I start the task 2 weeks before it is due, I will drive myself crazy trying to perfect it, so I tend to procrastinate to cope. Even knowing this, I still love a deadline. And I try to remind myself that there is no perfect, and the pressure of perfection + a deadline makes my anxiety 10000 times worse.   

This takes me to the 2nd thing I want you to know about perfection is: duty versus joy. The thing about the quest for the right way is it keeps us stuck in duty.

We miss the joy in life because we're so busy worrying about doing it perfectly. For example, I love writing for my work. Honestly, I just love writing, finding the right words, digging deep for the underlying meaning asking myself, but how do I challenge myself to go deeper?

And yet often, my writing gets too bogged down for me in perfection. I get so caught up in the duty of it that I miss the joy.

The 3rd thing I want you to know is about perfection. The quest for perfection can lead to more judgment of others by the BFF. Your Monger chimes in all day long about how you aren't doing it perfectly, so your BFF jumps in to criticize others to make you feel better. She loves to come out and share how others aren't doing it right to make you feel better.

My BFF would judge my Mom and husband for running late for breakfast—a better person, she would say, someone as good as you, would be ready on time. Or they wouldn't have forgotten their other swimsuit if they had used a list as I do. 

So judgment, especially unnecessarily super petty judgment, is a time to get curious about how hard you are on yourself to be perfect. 

The part that gets overlooked by the theories that say, well, just stop doing that, is that we get something for doing it, right? Whether that be a sense of security, praise or less anxiety, it feels unsafe when we stop doing it.

It feels overwhelmingly scary. 

All change feels overwhelmingly scary. That is why self-loyalty is so important—any time we see ourselves leaning on perfection. We can practice A.S.K. Acknowledge our Feelings, Slow down and Get into our Body and Kindly pull back to see the big picture, to get curious; what is this protecting me from? What am I afraid of? Be kind to yourself and loosen up that rigidity. 

We will tend to judge ourselves to say, good grief. Here you go again. You're so rigid and judgy too. You know, there is no right way. Come on.

Instead, try. Wow. This is hard finding the right way is hard-wired. I know it helped me in the past, but let's loosen that up.

YAY, we wrapped up the first week of the first spiral–learning all about beliefs. To refresh, we covered two beliefs rooted in shame: I am broken, and you can just stop it. 

And we covered two beliefs that lead to unhealthy coping skills Overthinking and perfection.

For the next two days, start to notice how these behaviors pop up in your life. Encourage your loved ones to lovingly call you out when you engage in one of these behaviors. And when you notice it, be kind to yourself. Pause, take a deep breath, and practice A.S.K. Acknowledge what you are feeling, Slow Down and Get into your body, and Kindly pull back to see the big picture. Now that you are finished with this week, you have two days off... enjoy your weekend! School starts back up in two days.

And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.