Unhealthy Coping Skills Overview
Welcome. So far, with beliefs, we have looked at two overarching beliefs we have I am broken, and You can just Stop it. Both of which keep us stuck spinning with anxiety.
In the foundations, I talked about the three layers of HFA: shame, anxiety, and coping skills. Shame causes anxiety, and then we develop coping skills for that anxiety. These coping skills are rooted in unhealthy beliefs about ourselves and the strategies to help our anxiety. These coping skills might offer some relief to our anxiety either through distraction or a misguided belief that we can perform ourselves out of our anxiety. But ultimately, these coping skills can cause more anxiety.
We are exploring these beliefs, NOT for your to just stop doing them :) Or for you to beat yourself up when you notice you are doing them.
Because our anxiety is so familiar and because we get such praise for the performance of our anxiety, sometimes it is hard to see it bubbling up. So we are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in, the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.
Today I want to do an overview of each of these beliefs. In the upcoming episodes, I will be diving into each belief on its own.
So here we go:
Belief #1 Overthinking: If I think hard enough, I can solve the problem. The idea is that I can think my way out by over-analyzing and problem-solving. I am a HUGE fan of this strategy. Thinking makes me feel like I am doing something to solve my anxiety. But thinking can keep us trapped in rumination and spinning.
Belief #2 Perfectionism: If I am perfect, I won't be criticized, and I won't have anxiety. I love it when people are wowed by my high standards and attention to detail, my type-A tendencies. But I realize that even though it feels good at the moment, it rarely makes me feel less self-doubt or anxiety. Usually, it makes the anxiety increase because I have to keep trying to attain perfection. It causes me to have unrealistic expectations and therefore increases my anxiety.
Belief #3 All or Nothing Thinking Our Monger loves to tell us there is a right and wrong way of thinking. The problem is there are no absolutes. The higher my anxiety is, the more I want to find the right way and a wrong way to comfort myself. But when I live like this, I miss out on the many colors of life.
Belief #4 Controlling or I GOT THIS IF I handle everything, I will feel better. The more anxious we get, the more control we seek. It is like the perfect match. Our Monger winds us up so much that we become consumed with being in control. When you notice yourself saying," "I got this," and also thinking, I am so overwhelmed I don't know if I can do it all, take a step back.
Belief #5 people-pleasing: If others are happy, I won't be criticized, or others' needs are more important. Doing for others and being the person others can count on is intoxicating. People-pleasing is not only a distraction from our anxiety because it gives us something to do, but it is also an antidote. The more praise I get, the less anxious I feel. But it is a bottomless pit—we will never get enough praise to heal our anxiety.
Belief #6 over-performing a form of hustling: IF I push harder, I will not feel anxiety or
If I accomplish a lot, then I will feel better. Similar to people-pleasing, pushing harder is a distraction and a bottomless pit. At some point, it is just too exhausting to keep pushing and hustling because it is never enough.
Belief #7 Over there is another form of hustling—If I hustle harder and FINALLY achieve fill in the blank) I won't feel anxious. This belief keeps us stuck in comparison and chasing the impossible dream. Because inevitably, even after we achieve the thing we have been longing for, we don't feel better. We feel worse because now there is more to do and achieve.
There are many, many other misguided beliefs and thinking patterns. We will be exploring more in the coming spirals. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about Overthinking.
And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha's about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.
See you Tomorrow!