Season 3 Episode 6: Change and the BFF
In this episode, Nancy shares a relatable tale: her struggle to stay off social media.
In this episode, Nancy shares a relatable tale: her struggle to stay off social media. She made that change a while ago, but her BFF is always gunning for her to get back on. Especially when a really special opportunity presents itself. In this episode, we hear an exclusive interview between Nancy's BFF and her Biggest Fan, hashing out the pros and cons of social media, and how hard it is to make a lasting change when confronted with a decision between false self-compassion or true self-loyalty.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Nancy's personal story about change and her BFF.
A fun and information conversation between Nancy's BFF and her Biggest Fan.
Learn more about:
Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com
Listen to Nancy’s interview with LeAnn Rimes
+ Read the Transcript
"Have you ever thought about getting leaving social media"? A friend and I had been debating the pros and cons of social media when she just came out and asked me—what I had been thinking about for the past 3 days. And for the first time, I didn't dismiss it out of hand. It was the end of May, and Instagram was filled with black squares, and I had grown increasingly annoyed with all areas of social media. I was active on social media, personally keeping in touch with family and friends and professionally sharing insight into high functioning anxiety and how to work with me. But In July 2020, I deactivated my Facebook account. I kept my Instagram account that I used for business and personal up, but I shared that I was not active anymore and encouraged people to subscribe to my newsletter. In episode 140, I share all my reasons why I got off. I remember listening to several stories of people who left social media but eventually rejoined. I never heard a story of someone who left and stayed off.
I love being off social media. It is better for my anxiety. Better for my relationships because I am more present, and better for my business because I am more focused on my business, not just on writing one viral post. I can honestly say being off social media is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
But then I was interviewed by Leann Rimes. In the interview, we talk about why I am off of social media. Leann was intrigued and jealous that I wasn't feeding the social media beast. After I hung up with Leann Rimes, my BFF started in, "See, Social media is good and FUN. You loved reading all the posts when you posted something and see all the likes—and now you have nowhere to receive such a connection with people." I spun on that for days.
So we decided to bring the BFF in for an interview to hear her side of the story. And to really shake things up, we are asked Nancy's Biggest Fan to step in as the interviewer.
Biggest Fan: Welcome to the show. I am so excited to have you here.
BFF: Well, thank you for having me—I am a HUGE fan of Nancy and happy to talk about—what is it, again, social media?? Is that the topic?
Biggest Fan: Yes, Nancy has been off social media for almost 2 years now, and I think it has been good for her—but you have other thoughts? I am curious about those. But first, introduce yourself and tell people who you are and what you do.
BFF: Hi there, I am Nancy's BFF.
Biggest Fan: A BFF; hmm, ok, what does that mean exactly.
BFF: Well, as her BFF, I am her biggest cheerleader—I LOVE Nancy. She is awesome, smart, and funny—she is so funny. But she needs to learn to RELAX, and that is where I come in. She drives herself so hard that nasty Monger comes in here and just pushes her and pushes her---I don't like it one bit. So my role is to come in and help Nancy to chill. You know your closet friends from high school your called them your BFF because they were up for anything and always defended you? That is me.
Biggest Fan: Wow-what, so your job is just to help Nancy fight off the Monger inner critic voice and help her relax—sounds amazing—what does that look like?
BFF: Well, basically, it looks like whatever Nancy wants. My sole goal is to encourage her to do whatever she wants. Cake for breakfast? Of course, you deserve it! Watch another episode when she hasn't moved off the couch all day—of course, you deserve it!! She deserves whatever she wants.
Biggest Fan: What if doing whatever she wants is a little hurtful to her? I mean, she needs to do other things rather than just hang out on the couch, watching TV, and playing on her phone while eating cake?
BFF: Well, I don't understand…how can that possibly be hurtful? If it brings her joy and peace, isn't that a positive? I mean, it is my job, and I take my job very seriously---you heard what I said about the nasty Monger. My job is to heal her from her.
Biggest Fan: Interesting. Ok, so the theme of this episode is all about social media? What are your thoughts on social media?
BFF: I LOVE social media—it makes Nancy happy—well, it did before she decided to go off of it. But there is hope; she was debating returning! And I am all about that! Social media provides an escape from reality. It allows Nancy to stay connected with friends from her past and see what they are doing. Social media is a great way to promote her business and she can see what other business owners are doing. Most of all, it is a way to turn off her brain and just let her numb out on mindless crap with family photos, catch up on where friends went on vacation, or just watch cute cats and dogs—I mean, who doesn't love adorable cats and dogs?
Biggest Fan: You mentioned that Nancy is off of social media—but recently, she has been debating getting back on. Can you tell us more?
BFF: Yes, much to my disappointment, she decided to delete her accounts in 2020—well, in truth, she just deactivated them—so there is hope she will go back on. I know she is debating returning, and I am 100% behind that decision! It is an excellent decision---social media helps her more than it hurts her.
Biggest Fan: So I have here a list of why Nancy wants to go off social media. Starting with the amount of anxiety it brings her. She says it brings her a lot of anxiety—so how do you argue with that?
BFF: You know why it brings her anxiety? Because that damn Monger comes in and starts sharing how she isn't living up to her potential and could be doing more. But the truth is social media is mindless entertainment. It is meant to give you laughter and joy, not comparison—that is all the Monger's fault.
I DID convince her to start a fake social media account where she can follow dogs and cats---something that brings her joy. And , every now and then, I encourage her to branch out and check out other people's accounts---like Leann Rimes. Did you hear she was on the Leann Rimes podcast?
Biggest Fan: Yes, I did. I was so proud of her for that—very cool.
BFF: So I wanted her to maximize the love there—did you hear Leann share how she couldn't imagine being off of social media—that means Nancy should be on it. She can connect with people on social media and feel good about herself.
Biggest Fan: Well, I THINK the takeaway was that Leann thought it was a positive that Nancy could do her business without social media—not that Leann thought Nancy should get back on.
BFF: Well, potato/potato, whatever. That is just splitting hairs. But truly, the reason social media is fantastic ---is that Nancy can feel the love. After her episode went live, I encouraged her to keep checking Leann's account to read the comments to see the love for her. It was so amazing—that is the magical part of social media. You can post something and immediately feel the love of all these people liking it! It is the best! I mean, how could you NOT love that.
Biggest Fan: Yes, again, I remember that a little differently—it felt like she was obsessive about checking and went back to her old ways of hooking her self-worth to social media. I mean, yes, she enjoyed seeing the love but at what cost?
BFF: Exactly! That is why I wanted her to keep checking it—the comments were good, so she should have felt good—I was trying to help!
Biggest Fan: I know, but Nancy tends to get sucked into those comments; all that love is just performative, isn't it? The people don't even know her. How can they really LOVE her?
Remember two years ago when everyone turned their squares black? How did that help anyone? Pure performative.
BFF: I guess so—but it was something. A show of solidarity. People expressing their opinions is powerful.
Biggest Fan: Yes, but it wasn't going to change anything. It wasn't real change. It was performing, so you felt like you were doing something, but you really weren't. Isn't that what social media is one big performance?
BFF: Ok, ok, you are looking at this social media all wrong, Miss High and Mighty. YES, it might have increased her anxiety, but that is because her Monger convinced her it wouldn't last or that people didn't mean it. But where else can you just be showered with praise? It doesn't have to be about her business—on her personal page if she posts something celebratory on FB and all her family and friends rush to like it. I mean, look at Birthdays on FB; they are THE BEST.
Biggest Fan: Yes, I agree. Birthdays on FB are pretty fabulous. But let's be honest. Your job, as you said, is to be Nancy's Biggest Cheerleader—and you are doing that well? Do you see ANY downside to social media? What about negative comments? The ones that don't sing her praises. Even when Nancy says it isn't helpful?
BFF: Well, anyone who writes a negative comment is a jerk. They are wrong. And I make sure Nancy knows that. I have crafted some pretty excellent responses to those assholes in my head –but Nancy never lets me send them.
Honestly, The only downside is that Nancy thinks it isn't helpful—I will continue to keep convincing her otherwise.
I admit my BFF almost won.
Until the Leann Rimes interview, I hadn't had a reason to get back on social media—nothing major had happened to me. For birthdays which, yes, the BFF is right—Birthdays on Facebook are the best! But my husband is still on social media, and he would do a shout-out for my birthday, and I would receive the love through other means. But I noticed a twinge of that obsessiveness that day, as I repeatedly checked for birthday greetings.
But an interview with a famous singer who I had listened to since my 20s. Leann interviews big names in the mental health world and picked me—that is pretty huge. So yes, I wanted to see people's comments; I wanted to hear what my family and friends had to say.
After the interview went live, it started slowly. A couple of mornings, I decided to sign back on to Facebook and see what was happening. I did not post anything, but I could feel the familiar pull of social media. And, of course, my BFF was pretty loud, sharing all the benefits of social media---a way to find joy, be mindless, and talk with people I loved. But I also felt that familiar pull of anxiety.
I remember last year I was sharing with a friend all the reasons I loved being off social media. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted. She said, "You sound like I did after I quit drinking. I remember wondering why it took me so long?!"
Yes! I replied—exactly. Best decision I ever made. I don't think I will ever go back on.
Fast forward to last month when my BFF was running the show and encouraging me to sink into the instant praise I could receive from a social media post, and I was debating it. But you know what made me end the debate? My Biggest Fan, yes, the voice that conducted the interview. She just kept lovingly pointing out the drama on social media caused drama in my head. My Monger and BFF would go ten rounds on one post—deciphering what someone meant. My Monger would blame me for saying the wrong thing, and my BFF would jump in to criticize the idiot who commented, and round and round, they would go.
Just as our Monger can keep us stuck with her constant badgering and belittling—our BFF can keep us stuck with her constant seeking of fun and approval. Both are well-intentioned, but the messaging is a little off. Luckily, my Biggest Fan won out, and I stuck with the change I made two years ago—I am off social media, and I don't ever see myself going back.