Season 3 Episode 7: Change and Comparison
In this episode, Nancy reveals that she's *always* had a business nemesis.
In this episode Nancy reveals that she's *always* had a business nemesis. A person that she compares herself to when she feels like things aren't going great. And that really gets her Monger AND her BFF going at it! Nancy tells the story of how she confronted this comparison behavior head-on and speaks to Regan Walsh-- Chief Renegade Officer at Renegade Global-- about how tricky comparison can be when we're trying to make meaningful change.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Nancy's personal experiences with comparison and its negative effects on creating change.
A conversation about change and comparison with Regan Walsh.
Learn more about:
Learn more about Regan Walsh:
Go to reganwalsh.com
Learn about Renegade Global at renegade.global
Order Regan's book "Heart Boss" at https://reganwalsh.com/heartboss/
You can follow Regan on Twitter @reganwalsh
+ Read the Transcript
The Happier Approach S2 Episode 7: Change and Comparison May 23, 2022
Intro
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Nancy: Hey guys, it’s me! Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships.
All thought out this season as we’ve been tackling the topic of change, I kept thinking back on all the different habits and thoughts that have kept me from making meaningful change in my life. One that really stuck out? Comparison. You know, looking at what OTHER people are doing and telling yourself that you’ll never be as smart, good, funny, pretty, have as many likes on social media, as them?
The comparison game has kept me stuck more times than I’d like to admit. So many times, that I feel like I’ve actually turned the act of comparison into an artform. An unhelpful, stagnating artform, that is. I’ve had more than one so-called “nemesis” that I’ve compared myself to over the years. And it took me actually facing my “nemesis” head-on, to get to the root of my comparison problem, and actually figure out how to kick it to the curb.
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ACT I: The Thief of Joy
Nancy: For years I always had a business nemesis.
It was someone who was in a similar business who appeared to have more success than me. Back when I was on social media, I would follow my nemesis on-line and create a backstory about them and how awful they were. And I would change-up my nemesis. I would choose someone who I wanted to compare myself to, or “get ideas from” as my BFF, the voice of false self-compassion called it, and would spend time online spying on them.
The problem was I would follow them purely to torture myself. The unconscious cycle would go something like this…
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Sit down at my computer for my work day with great plans for the day but not quite feeling like I wanted to dive into work yet.
“Let’s get some ideas from other people!” My BFF would say, sounding innocent like she was trying to help.
I would immediately search online for my latest nemesis. At this time, Justine was my nemesis of choice. I’d pull up Justine’s social media presence (yep, this is one reason I got off social media!) and start scrolling through her feed, and the emotional cutting would begin. Each picture was like a slice into my self-esteem. My Monger, the inner critic, would start yelling, “Look at that! She is beautiful! And what she is saying is so WISE! And there it is– she has hundreds of likes on this one post! You NEVER get hundreds of likes. She is so much better at this than you are. WOW!”
By the time I was done my BFF and Monger were going at it. My BFF would jump in to protect me by criticizing everything Justine did, “Well that is ridiculous! I mean how do you expect to help people by telling them to change their thoughts—that doesn’t work?!”
Followed by my Monger, “Well what do YOU stand for?!! I couldn’t tell by looking at your social media presence—you are all over the board. At least Justine is clear on what she stands for!”
Round and round they would go until I was ready to throw in the towel. All my great plans for the day were out the window and I was swimming in self doubt and making a nest deep down in a Monger rabbit hole.
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There’s a common quote that says: “Comparison is the Thief of Joy” and often when I tell people that I engage in this behavior that is what they will say to me. Yep, comparison is the thief of joy. That is true. And saying that is about as helpful as telling me to Stop it. This behavior is deeper than being healed by a quote.
That’s why I decided to meet this comparison behavior head-on. I decided that I’d interview one of my real-life business nemesis and reveal to her the comparison game that I’d secretly been playing for years and years.
ACT II: Interview with Regan Walsh
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Regan Walsh: Oh, I'm so excited. This is amazing. So fun. Nancy: This is Regan Walsh… one of my final business nemesis. The “boss” of the business nemesis level, if you will. Regan Walsh: My life's work is about helping Renegade, women and people in corporate America show up in really big ways. The work that I do is all around human innovation and disruption and. I recently pivoted and joined forces with a woman named Amy Jo Martin to build Renegade global, um, [00:01:00] which has been such a fun ride. I've been doing this work for about seven months now. And, um, it's a fast growing startup and it's so energizing and exciting, and I feel so lucky to do this work. MUS out Nancy: [sarcasm] Well she seems really scary, doesn’t she? Once Regan and I exchanged hellos and introductions, I got down to business. Nancy Jane Smith: okay. So here's the thing you, I wanted to do this. We're doing the whole season on change. And one of the things we came up with was how comparison. Prevents us from making change. And Nikki was like, Nancy: That’s Nicki, my podcast producer. Nancy Jane Smith: oh, do you have any, um, you know, anyone that you compare yourself to? And I always have a nemesis, like for years, I've had someone that I compare myself to, and that's a bad thing Like, it's not a good thing, but you, for a long time, I've let go of it. But for a long time. you were my person that I was constantly comparing myself to and, you know, beat myself up with like, I could never be as cool as.[00:02:00] Reagan. Nancy Jane Smith:I would do the deep dives into what's Reagan doing on social media. What are Reagan's programs where, whereas Reagan been podcasting, where is she? And, um, so I wanted to bring you on and confess that Nancy: I tensed up waiting for what Regan would say next. And wouldn’t you know… Regan Walsh: oh my gosh. Well, let's, let's just rip the bandaid off and go down this topic. I'm excited about it. Yeah. Nancy: Regan was super gracious and understanding! Regan Walsh: I think every human compares and then has that sense of feeling less than, or greed or, you know, jealous or why not me? Nancy: She’d even played the comparison game herself. Regan Walsh: certainly throughout my entire life, I've experienced that in a lot of different ways. And, um, it certainly is a skill set to be able to rewire your brain and understand why it is you're feeling that way. To have the [00:03:00] momentum to go, you know, after what it is you want and realize you can do all those things as well. So, yeah, I think that's a shared human experience. Nancy Jane Smith: Yes. And I think that was part of the prob part of why you mean you didn't last long as my nemesis Regan Walsh: oh, thank goodness. Nancy Jane Smith: is because you are so authentic. So you're quick, you know, I think the people that were in my nemesis in the past, Presented this, I have it all, you know, everything. I have all my shit together and everything's amazing. And you have been so authentic with, you know, trips and travels and how hard it is, et cetera, et cetera. So, um, that made it, I busted it Nancy: I was super surprised to learn, she’d even played the comparison game WITH ME. Regan Walsh: Oh, I'm so glad. Cause I, I could even say the same when I first met you. I was like, oh my gosh, Nancy Jane Smith has it all together. And she is because you, you started your business before I started mine. And so I look to you. As a guide of somebody who was doing really amazing work that was fulfilling and [00:04:00] inspiring and things that I wanted to emulate with the work that I was building. And so, you know, I look to you as somebody that was on the forefront of human development. Nancy Jane Smith: Oh, well, thank you. That's Regan Walsh: Yeah. I mean, it Nancy Jane Smith: but you were, and you are. It's just what it's always interesting. It's what, you know, whatever my monger tells me, I suck at and I suck at connections like that. I'm not great at networking and building connections. And you are a rockstar at that Regan Walsh: that is my superpower for whatever reason. I know. It's interesting. It's always been my ability to connect people with the right. Nancy Jane Smith: And the thing is right there. It's your superpower. It's not, it's not my superpower, but that doesn't mean I can't have all the superpowers, you know? Regan Walsh: no, I wouldn't it be fun if we did. Nancy Jane Smith: Oh my God. Yes. But I think part of admitting part of doing change is a admitting [00:05:00] what isn't your superpower Regan Walsh: For sure. Nancy Jane Smith: being able to reach out and get help in that. But that's hard to do. Regan Walsh: It is so hard to do. it's having the courage to say, I am horrible at this, or this is frustrating to me who do I need to align myself with? That can take this burden off my shoulders so I can move forward faster. It's such a great skill to be able to, to ask for help and recognize where you need, where you need it. Nancy: If we’re not SO focused on comparing ourselves to others, it actually gives us space to both acknowledge our own unique gifts, AND find ways to strengthen the skill sets that we may need a little extra help with. But the key is pulling ourselves out of that comparison trap. MUS Nancy Jane Smith: And do you have a story where a comparison kept you stuck? Regan Walsh: Oh my goodness. I mean, which, yeah. Do you want me to start alphabetically in which part of my life, you know, like there's comparison on relationship fronts? When I was younger comparison about, you know, jobs or the business I was building, when I, when I first decided to get certified in coaching and I [00:08:00] graduated from NYU, I remember being part of, um, a mastermind, just like it was a one day. Deep dive mastermind. And there were other coaches in the room. And so many of these other coaches were hosting retreats and bottles. You know, and doing stuff like that. And I remember thinking like, oh, these coaches, like I'm just starting off. These coaches are making multiple six figures and blah, blah, blah. And they're hosting their clients on these week-long retreats in Bali. And I was like, I should be doing that. Do I have desire to do that? Heck no, I had two infants or one infant. I was pregnant with my second child. The I anxiety. I was like, okay, well I can pull this off. Like, okay, where would I go? I'm not going to go to Bali. How will who's going to take care of the kids? And I allowed my brain to go down that rabbit hole, trying to keep up with these people. And I was like, actually, that's not even the lane. I want to swim. The work I'm doing, like the clients that I [00:09:00] want to work with, they don't want to go to Bali with me. They want to go with their friend or their spouse or their partner. And in fact, I don't want to go to Bali with clients. Like, what is that even about? But I did that, like I went, I was like, oh, it's that whole should like, they're doing it. So I should, because they're successful and I want to be successful, but my version of success was completely different right now. MUS out Nancy Jane Smith: Because even when you say, and this was one of the things that clicked in me when, before, when you said. And you graduated from NYU and then I'm like NYU. Oh my God, it's NYU. And so I have this whole story about NYU, but you have lived NYU. And so it doesn't have that same story, Regan Walsh: right, right. And well, and interestingly enough, but your background is different, right? So you're coming from that like therapy [00:10:00] background, which I don't have any. Right. So for me, I needed, well, there are a lot of coaches out in the world that just hang shingles. Right. And they say, oh, I'm a coach. I like to listen to people. So therefore I'm going to start this business for me because of my personality. Um, I needed a credential. Right. That was very important to me for my personality, because I wanted that to have, as my foundation, I needed to have that like piece of paper in order to make me feel valid enough, even though the skillset, you know, they didn't teach me the skillset. I already had that skillset because I was born with it, but they gave me. The confidence to say, you know what? I deserve to be paid for my skillset. Nancy Jane Smith: Yes. Regan Walsh: Yeah. Other people just have that confidence innately. Apparently Nancy Jane Smith: No. And I always say that about therapy. Yeah. Like I don't therapy didn't teach me how to do counseling school. Didn't teach me how to do therapy. It was just Regan Walsh: that's who you are. Nancy Jane Smith: who I am. Yeah. But it is an [00:11:00] interesting kind of like whatever we aren't, I think is in another, I think why you were my nemesis and another lifetime, I would have picked you. I mean, I would've picked your choices of being more corporate, being more, you know, NYU. Kind of having that business background, which is not where I went, but part of my value system is in that it took me a long time to find my. And it took me. And so I think growing up, I thought I should be a business person. I should be doing business coaching. My dad was always telling me like, go for business. That's where the money is. And when I changed my major to psychology, I think a part of his soul died. He was so upset that I wasn't going to be in business anymore. But in reality, I am more, I'm more, I'm not businessy. I am more woowee and a little. Therapy, Regan Walsh: Yeah. And you should own Nancy Jane Smith: [00:12:00] and it took me a long time to own that. And so I kept comparing to people who weren't in that lane. And then I think the reason as we're talking, I'm like, ah, the reason I stopped doing that, or I, I was like, go reg. And like, I can cheerlead you now instead of being like, oh, Regan Walsh: isn't it interesting, the energy that we can put into other people versus like the energy. To put into our own business. Right? Like, why do we do that? I know it's just wild and social media makes it, um, a lot easier to do Nancy Jane Smith: yes. Regan Walsh: To like, oh, what are they doing? Or, oh, there they post on social media five times a week. MUS I just had a conversation with one of the Renegade women who was like, oh, I really want to do this thing for the month of January and social media, but how does that tie back to my business? And I was like, well, do you get a lot of business from social media? And she's like, no, not at all. And I was like, well then who the heck cares? Do what brings you joy? Like if your social media is for you to spark joy, And [00:13:00] connected in this way and do it, you know, show yourself dancing every day for a month in funny places, then just do that. Like, it has nothing, it's not going to hurt your business either way. And in fact, you're showing up and being human and that's what attracts people to people is when you're just being yourself. MUS out Nancy: I realized as I was talking with Regan, that what she was describing– following your joy in business and in life– sounded a lot like self-loyalty. And it seemed like the way to get out of the comparison trap was to listen to that self-loyal voice. MUS Nancy Jane Smith: I feel like that's why I talk about self loyalty, which is what you're, we're saying. It's a, just the same thing. It's a word for what we're saying. Um, of keeping to re when I can reconnect with what's my lane, what is it I really want to be doing? Where is it I really want to be, what's the marriage that I want to build. That really doesn't look like anyone else's marriage. You know, that doesn't, that's where I can. That's the solution to this comparing. Regan Walsh: yes. How did you say, what was the phrase you use? Nancy Jane Smith: Self loyalty Regan Walsh: I love that self loyalty. Yeah. Nancy Jane Smith: realized all my clients have, they know loyalty. They will do loyalty to [00:14:00] others. They're very loyal to everyone, but themselves. Regan Walsh: isn't it funny? We show up for other people more than we show up for ourselves all the time. It's wild. Like what if we backed ourselves? Like we backed others. Think what could happen? Yeah. Nancy Jane Smith: And it doesn't matter what Reagan's doing or any of the other people that I've listed as nemeses. I just got to show up and be me. Regan Walsh: Yeah, for sure. Oh, Self loyalty. That's amazing. I'm here for it. MUS out ACT III: Nancy’s Conclusion
Nancy: I know now this behavior– comparing myself to Regan and other people in my field– has to do with fear. Fear of success. Fear of Failure. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of doing it right.
Basically, if I could find someone who was doing it better than I was, that meant I didn’t have to try. Or if I did try it was ok that I failed. Comparison gave me an out, I didn’t need to try because clearly I would never meet the very high expectations set up by My Monger.
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Regan was my final Nemesis, which is one reason I wanted to interview her—to once and for all put this practice of emotional cutting behind me. And in the end, as I found out through our conversation, leaving my comparison game behind was all about self loyalty.
But it wasn’t magical. It started with me building awareness of what I was doing. I gave myself full permission to spy on my nemesis, swim in the pool of self-doubt with one rule. I had to pay attention to how I was feeling. By acknowledging what I was feeling I built awareness of how crappy this practice was making me feel. At the same time, I started welcoming my fear—I knew I was doing this practice out of fear but I didn’t realize how much fear there was. So I started acknowledging that fear. Each time I spied on my nemesis I took some time to check in with my fear—where am I afraid, why am I afraid– and I would remind myself I am safe and I am worthy. I can do this. And then borrowing a practice from Brene Brown I would put on a theme song to pump myself up. My song of choice—Fight song by Rachel Platten. To remind myself it is ok to be scared and do it anyway.
Yes, comparison is the thief of joy AND it is a sign that we are avoiding change. Rather than beating ourselves up for comparison—let’s use this emotional cutting practice as a way to build self-loyalty.
And.. maybe reach out to your own nemesis for a chat or a coffee. You may find that you have more in common than you think.
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Outro
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That’s it for this week! Our next episode is the final episode of the season. Wowee! And we’re going to come full circle with the theme of change. I’ll talk to a very special guest about how we’ve approached change at different stages of our lives– how even the way we think about change… can change! That’s next time, on the Happier Approach.
Nancy: The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod5 and Epidemic Sound. For more episodes, to get in touch, or to learn more about Self Loyalty School, you can visit nancy jane smith dot com. And if you like the show, leave us a review! It actually helps us out a lot.
A huge thanks to Regan Walsh for speaking with us today. You can learn more about Regan and purchase her book “Heart Boss: Trust Your Gut, Shed Your Shoulds, and Create a Life You Love” at reganwalsh.com. You can also learn more about Regan’s new journey with Renegade by visiting renegade.global.
The Happier Approach will be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care, until then.
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