Episode 019: The 4am Visitor
Tips for dealing with that nasty inner critic/Monger voice that shows up uninvited at 4am.
+ Read the Transcript
Today I wanted to talk about the 4:00 AM visitors. So let me set the scene for what I mean when I say the 4:00 AM visitor, which sounds much more fun than the actual 4:00 AM visitor I'm speaking of.
Slowly you roll over, and you look at the clock, and you think, Oh good, it's 4:00 AM. I have more time to sleep. That's like the best feeling in the world. And you realize you have to go to the bathroom, a risky proposition because sleep is a valuable commodity these days. And you know that if you go to the bathroom, you run the potential of running into your 4:00 AM visitor, also known as "the, what were you thinking, Monger?"
Now, a Monger is my term for that inner critic or inner bully. By definition, the Monger promotes a specific activity situation or feeling, especially one that is undesirable or discreditable. So your Monger is there to promote the fact of how much you suck.
You're afraid you're going to run into the, what were you thinking Monger? So you stumbled to the bathroom. Careful not to think about anything, run into anything, or wake up more than necessary. And as you lay back down thinking you have successfully dodged the enemy, you have a flashing thought of the party you went to the previous night, and the Monger starts, what were you thinking wearing that dress? You look like you were begging for attention. I can't believe you said "fill in the blank" to Mary. She's going to think you're a freak. You totally should have said more to the host. You're so rude. As you lay there, swimming in thought, your breath quickens, your skin gets clammy, and your chest tightens.
You pull yourself out of bed. Knowing sleep is futile. At this point, the 4:00 AM visitor is a particularly brutal one. It is one thing to deal with our Monger during the day when we were at full capacity, but at night, our defenses are down, and we're completely caught off guard. Not to mention how important the actual act of sleeping is to our systems and how well we feel when we're sleeping.
And when the 4:00 AM visitor comes, we can't get any sleep because we have a more difficult time separating the truth from reality at night. So the messages of the Monger seem even more powerful and even more accurate.
Earlier this week, my 4:00 AM visitor, showed up and I let her just hammer me. My heart was racing. I was freaking out about stuff I'd said and done earlier that day. And I was falling for her words, hook, line, and sinker. She was winning the game. She was beating me down. She told me how much I sucked and how I had totally messed up the situation and how I just had done it wrong.
I couldn't unhook from her. And I was just about ready to give up and head down to turn on the TV at 4:00 AM. When I thought, wait a minute, is this even true? That brief thought turned the, what were you thinking Monger on her toes? But she quickly replied, of course, this is true and spun the story one more time back to how terrible I had been and how I totally messed up and done everything wrong. But simply by asking myself, is that true? I created a gap between her and myself to recognize that she was no longer my voice. She was merely the voice of the 4:00 AM visitor. After creating that gap, I worked to change my thoughts.
She was persistent, but each time her voice filled my brain, I shifted to one of my go-to thoughts. And my go-to thoughts are the saving grace. Getting rid of your 4:00 AM. visitor is two-fold. One recognizing, and this is the hardest part, that voice in your head is not your voice. Instead, it's your inner Monger. Who's there to tell you how much you suck. I believe the Monger is here to protect us and keep us safe.
She is getting fired up by the fact that you might've looked stupid or you might've looked bad the way you handled the situation. Her anxieties are at her highest, and she can jump in there at 4:00 AM and go to town. And it's your job to recognize, "Wait a minute, this isn't even true. You are spreading crap. Here you are, spreading propaganda by filling your own need to be stressed and concerned instead of looking out for what I need right now, which is sleep."
So asking, is this true, is a great way to separate your voice from the Monger's voice. Now let's pretend and say, you're laying there, and you're like, you know what? I didn't mess up. I did make a mistake. I did handle this situation wrong or that situation wrong.
If the Monger's right, then figure out a way to make the situation better. So let's say you did say something inappropriate to your friend at a party, or you didn't bring a bottle of wine when you were supposed to. So make a mental note that you're going to apologize to the host for the fact you didn't bring wine, and you're going to apologize to your friend. But laying there at 4:00 AM letting your Monger hammer you is not okay. It doesn't help anyone.
If you have made a mistake, you can fix it. If you are just laying there and letting her beat you to a bloody pulp over something that you cannot fix or may not even be true, it's time just to let it go. It isn't helpful to anyone. So when you can recognize, is that true?
And let's say the answer comes back. Yes. The next question is, how can I fix it? How can I make this better? Who do I need to apologize to? What do I need to do to make it better? Because sometimes our Monger, even though she does spread propaganda, part of what she is saying is true. And so we can take that tiny kernel piece of truth and make it into something better for ourselves and make amends.
Now I talked about the go-to thoughts. So this is the second step of getting rid of your 4:00 AM visitor, the go-to thoughts, and these are the thoughts I use to help myself fall asleep. You can come up with your own go-to thoughts. It's whatever works best for you. But some of the ones that work for me, and you're going to laugh, but that's okay.
I go through, and I name the 50 States, or I name the presidents or walking through my high school, college dorm, or any other familiar place. I intentionally walk myself through a place that I feel fondly about. I replay a fun vacation and walk myself through the different places we went, or I relive a fun day.
So it allows me to fully activate my brain into a different place by walking through my college campus and walking around and trying to remember what my college schedule was or where I was on a specific day or particular year.
I can fill my brain with other thoughts, and it silences, the 4:00 AM Monger. She isn't there blaring on about how much I suck anymore because I'm putting myself in this completely different place. So eventually, and much quicker than you'll think possible, you can fall asleep. And this happened for me in the example that I'm sharing that I walked through my college campus.
I went through what my freshman year looked like and tried to piece that altogether because it was a while ago. And eventually, I fell asleep. And I woke up the next morning. I was thrilled that I had successfully turned off my 4:00 AM visitor. I wasn't up watching reruns of Three's Company or watching the news at 4:00 AM. I was actually asleep where I should be in my bed, relaxed.
So I encourage you to practice this the next time you have the 4:00 AM visitor.
A two-fold process one, putting some distance between you and your Monger and asking is it true, did I do something wrong? And if I did, then how do I make amends for it?
And then to changing your thought patterns so you can fall asleep. The best way I found to do that is to walk through and relive a part of my life physically, whether that be a high school or college dorm, a familiar place, a fun vacation, or we're living a fun day. So those are the ways I think of getting rid of your 4:00 AM visitor.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Be Kind
Be kind? How is that a weekly ritual? In an ideal world, we put kindness first. But in the reality of life, we are in a hurry, we are trying to get to the next thing, trying to get stuff checked off our list, and the idea of kindness temporarily goes out the window. So this week the challenge is to bring kindness to the front of our minds. Yes, we all think we are kind. We all want to be kind. But this week I want you to be intentional about being kind.
*Hold the door for someone.
*Let someone in your lane even though they SHOULD have planned ahead.
*Give someone the right away.
*Let someone go ahead of you at the grocery store.
*You can take it one step forward and do a Random Act of Kindness.
And don’t forget yourself in your be kind mission