Power of Self Loyalty

Welcome. Today we are talking about self-loyalty and why it is so important when dealing with HFA. Let's start with a story:

A pair of Zen monks, a master, and his student, went out on a journey to visit another convent. As monks do, they walked much and spoke little. On the third day of their journey, the two came to a fast-flowing river and saw that a young woman was standing there in a beautiful dress. She stood there looking very cross and impatient.

The student noticed the woman said nothing and walked. "Please," she begged the Master, who was in charge. "Would you carry me across this river? I'm on my way to my loved one, and I don't want to ruin this dress. It's the best one I have." The student was shocked at her audacity; after all, his Master was a holy man, and her touch would be unclean, but before he could say anything and to his surprise, his Master agreed to carry the woman.

The Master quickly picked her up, put her on his back, and transported her across the water and down on the other side. She didn't thank the old monk, she just shoved him out of the way. And the two monks continued to walk in silence day after day until finally, on the third day, the student could no longer hold his tongue.

"Master," He said, "Why did you carry that woman across the river?" His Master looked at him with a slight smile and said, "You have learned much, but you still lack some wisdom. My student, that woman weighed on my back for three minutes, and then I was done. But she has weighed on your mind for three days."

When I first heard this story, I admit I was annoyed–yet ANOTHER story about staying out of other people's business, letting it go, and stopping worrying. As if it is that easy! But then I reread it, thinking how hard it would be to be the Master Monk, going against his vows and able to stay so sure, so grounded. I thought, wait a minute, this is a story about self-loyalty. How cool is that?!?!

Loyalty means devoted, constant, and committed. As I shared yesterday, something I share with all my client is that loyalty is a value. Loyal to a fault, one could say loyalty to our mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world.

You are the listener, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, fans, head down, get the job done, workers—the backbone of your families, relationships, and workplace. You ooze loyalty to everyone around you. You are strong, quiet kind. Get the job done. Individuals.

The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is called exhaustion.

The never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good, whole enough, satisfied enough—the Monger runs the show. Recently I finished a presentation on quieting your Monger. "The leader asked me to stay late to answer questions and sign my books. Even though I had done a good job presenting, received a lot of praise, and had people coming up to me to ask questions, my Monger still piped in, "YOU should have brought more books. What were you thinking? You were a little rambly in the middle. I don't think they were really following you. You are too disorganized in your presentation. You need to do a better job."

Finally, on the car ride home, I said to myself, Sweet pea, you did a great job. You were attentive to the audience. You answered their questions. You made them laugh. You were loyal to them, nicely done; now let's not turn your back on yourself."

This was an example of being loyal—to me.

I am sure you are starting to sense that we—you and I —are so busy devoting ourselves to making sure our family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for we bypass ourselves.

So going back to the story of the monks, who is more loyal, the Master or the student? On the one hand, you can say the young monk is more loyal. He's loyal to his oath; recognizing to touch a woman goes against his oath.

He's loyal to his teacher, loyal to a fault. One might say he's so loyal he's fighting the fight for his Master. He's spinning out and full of negativity out of a sense of right and wrong but also a sense of loyalty. It has been established that the student is overstepping, but it is not only because he is a silly, negative, busybody.

It is because his loyalty is out of bounds. He has too much loyalty to others. Now let's answer the question of who's more loyal and say it's the older monk. The older monk is loyal to the woman. He risks his vows to help her. And she is super unappreciative. He's loyal to others and gets nothing for it.

But you know what he does have loyalty to? Himself. And that is why he doesn't get caught up in the spinning and negativity. He trusts that he wanted to help the woman no matter what, not because it is the right thing to do. Not because she would fall all over him with adoration but because he saw a person who needed help, and he decided to help her. He was loyal to his values and principles.

So he didn't need the adoration and appreciation from the lady. He could let it go because he was making the decision from his own inner loyalty. The tagline for my business is to be as loyal to yourself as you are to others because building self-loyalty decreases anxiety. When I trust my values and principles and make decisions from that place, the self-doubt, rumination, and hustling step aside because I'm loyal to myself.

Throughout my lifetime, I have spent a lot of my time being the student monk, looking to others for answers and following the absolute rules:

We can't touch women. When helped, people should be appreciative. But what if we practice the gift of the older monk, his discernment to check in with himself and ask: What do I want here?

What is most important to me? What was most important to the older monk was helping a woman in distress. Period. So it didn't matter what her response was or that he was going against the rules. He could respond to this particular situation and make a decision for himself.

The good thing is we know how to be loyal. I know you are great at being loyal. Now it's about stretching that loyalty to include yourself and not just others. It is WAY easier said than done, but we are going to spend the rest of this time together looking at how to do just that. Tomorrow I will be back to talk about where HFA comes from and how we learned to value loyalty to others over ourselves.